Author's Note: I apologize for the delay. School and work have literally been eating up my time. And Glee. I'm now terribly obsessed with Glee, so much it should and most likely will end up being Illegal soon. Ha. Sike! Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone of you for reading and reviewing so fucking faithfully. I could not ask for better people to read this! :D Unfortunately so, this is the last chapter due to the fact I forgot where I was taking this and have no time to re-route the story. Hahahah. But thank you, thank you, thank you and be sure to read/review my other stories.
Vanamo: The diary idea came to me from my English teacher. When I took her composition class this year, the first thing I heard was 'the only way to express yourself, the greatest way to express yourself is through writing. And that is what you're to do.' So I'm like hmm, why not try to tie that in with young Alex here? :) Glad you like it though. And thank you for reading/reviewing this and Waste away. I cannot thank you enough. You've been so faithful. I hope to hear from you in the future! :D
ShaNini86: Despite whether your reviews are short or long, they're still incredibly appreciated. I could write a book on how incredibly reliable and faithful you are, but I think I'll pass-my boss might kick my ass if I miss another day of work-ha! But THANK YOU! The conversations we've been having have been so hilarious/motivating. You're the muse to this story and I cannot appreciate that enough.
DegrassiRoxzMiSoxz88: Thank you for reading this, and Waste away-if you did read that-I really do appreciate it. :)
Little-butterfly-bee: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And that's merely all I can say. :D
Up until now, I never knew what the term 'recovery' meant. Not really, at least. I knew it in laments terms, but I didn't know what it meant to me. Did it just mean getting better and getting out? Did it mean getting my job back? Did it mean finding myself along the way?
Up until now, I had no idea.
Up until now, I was alone. Then Olivia came into the picture...
I listen to my heels click against the tiled floor as I head with Olivia back into the precinct. She says she has a surprise, and my heart is thumping so fucking loud it's literally singing in my ears. I'm terrified, yet excited. I'm so nervous I think I might fall over and pass out but Olivia's gripping my hand and whispering soothing words into my ear as we approach the doors.
She waits for me to collect myself and when I throw a nod her way, she opens the doors open and everyone I'd ever could've thought of and more, are there-a loud 'surprise/welcome back' in my direction.
A smile warms my face and suddenly I've come to the realization that I've never felt more at ease, more at home then I do in this exact moment.
When the party is over and everyone's dissipated for the night, I sit with Olivia at her desk, staring out into the city and rehashing old memories, old wounds. I want her to know everything, I don't want to lie or hide anymore.
And by the time daylight comes around, there is no more lying.
There are a lot of things in my life I wish I had done differently. For starters, not relapsing. But in some way, in some weird, bizarre way which I'm sure no one will understand, I find that maybe it was good I did.
Maybe it was good this happened one last time, because maybe I needed to get everything out of my system. For good, I mean. Maybe I needed to fall down hard so I could learn to get up on my own. So I could learn that not everything in this world will end happily, but when it does to cherish it.
Maybe I needed to fall down hard so I could learn how to love again.
How to feel again.
Olivia's sheets are a satin blue and they feel sweet and cool around my sweating, flaming body. She's kissing me in ways I've never imagined, loving me in more ways then one, teaching me just how to be whole again.
I lean against the door frame a week later, hovering in between the precinct and Cragen's office. Nothing's said, just a simple smile and he understands. He understands that just because I can't physically say it, emotionally-I'm grateful.
And that's good enough for him and me.
Casey and Donnelley are talking amongst themselves when I return to the building. They both stop talking however, when they notice me. I nod in their direction, a small, knowing nod, and they both smile.
And the ironic thing in it all is the fact that Liz Donnelley never smiles.
Until today that is.
Elliot and the rest of the gang slur over my progress and how proud they are of me at the bar that night. Olivia's holding me tightly around my waist, claiming me as hers and nothing more. I chuckle, shake my head and bury it into her neck-the night finally taking it's toll on me.
She whispers something into my ear about heading home, which I'm sure the boys took as it being something dirty and start chuckling, and I whisper back a reply about only leaving if she's ready too.
She says she is. We say goodbye and head into the cool city air.
I glance up at the sky when I feel something cold hit my nose.
I smile when I notice what it is.
I cannot promise that in the future things won't get messy again. I cannot promise that I won't return to my downfall like I had once before. I cannot promise that I won't want to run away, or that Olivia and I will stay forever and live in a world of rainbows and sunshine.
But for now, there is one thing I can promise.
For now, I am okay. I am Alexandra Cabot, and that is all I can be. All I want to be.