We Can't Go Back, We Can Only Go Forward

Main Characters: Derek Shepherd and Addison Montgomery.

Disclaimer: I do not own nor make any claim to the television shows Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice. These rights belong to Shonda Rhimes and the ABC Television Network.

Synopsis: Some times there isn't a road back, we can only knock down what we have, create a new foundation and rebuild. We can only go forward. This is a story for a way for Addison and Derek to get back together._____________________________________________________________________________


He grasped her hand tightly, pushing back his tears, trying to remain stoic and unfeeling. A weak hand grasped back, a small smile on her bruised, battered and broken face, but causing the rest of her head to hurt her more. Owen and Mark both tired to repair the damage, but unfortunately the two confident surgeons had reached the wall that all surgeons inevitably reached: they were only human and not God or a god. They were only human. They all were. She knew that most of all.

He looked up at the heart monitor for what seemed like the billionth time. He could see that the beats of her heart were becoming weaker, slower and slower. She turned slightly, a tired and weak smile slowly made its way onto her face as she turned to look at him, her eyes glazed with tears, but all she felt was happiness.

"Looks like this is the end, huh?" She said weakly.

"No it's not, you're going to be fine." He replied.

"Liar. You were always bad at telling little lies. I know what's happening, I'm a doctor after all." He tried to laugh, but grief swept over him. She squeezed his hand back with what little strength she had left. "Listen…to me. This is…is not your fault…it's no one's. This is just the luck of the draw."

"Don't talk this way, please." He said, almost begging.

"It's …the reality. You knew that about me as soon as we got married. I…deal with too much reality. Promise me…somet…thing." She asked becoming weaker and weaker.

"Yes, anything." He said.

She took in a deep breath and weakly released it. For a moment he thought she was gone, but then he saw her lips stir.

"Try to be happy, I know…how unhappy you will be. I'm sorry. But please, for your…self and me, try to be…h-happy. If you find…..some…one."

"I don't think I could find anyone who has made me as happy as you. I love you." He said interjecting. She was silent for a moment, released a tear and with what will power and strength she had left, she reached down deep into her core to will herself to speak.

She spoke at a whisper, "If…if …you do…be happy…make each other …happy."

"Meredith?" Derek begged as he looked at the heart monitor and listened as it counted off her last few heart beats.

"Meredith!" Derek yelled. He listened to her breathing and heard it become shallower as her eyes closed, but her mouth was still moving.

"What did you say?" He asked, as he moved his ears closer.

"Mommy." She whispered as the heart monitor suddenly flat lined, the machine making the awful alarm that her heart had stopped. Her doctor and nurses rushed in to try and revive and save her, but he was too distraught, in shock. He did not even feel the strong but assertive hands of Cristina Yang push him away so that they could do their work. But he knew they could do nothing for her. Knowing Meredith, she probably had made up her mind and nothing anyone did would change it.

Derek slowly walked from the room, totally unnoticed by the cavalcade of nurses surrounding Meredith's hospital bed, like ancient religious worshippers surrounding a human sacrifice. He could hear the lead doctor charging the paddles and yelling "Clear!" and ordered the voltage be turned up. He crossed the threshold, but looked back, watching the body of Meredith Grey rise under the shock of the voltage from the paddles, trying to shock her heart back to life.

"Meredith." He whispered as the doctor stopped and listened to the heart monitor. "Goodbye." He whispered as Cristina Yang called the time of death and then watched as she slumped down on the bed in tears and buried her face in Meredith's stomach, grief and anguish washing over her body.

"Derek." He turned to see Izzie Stevens rushing toward him from down the hall, but everything looked like it was moving in slow motion to him.

"She's gone." He said near above a whisper. Izzie collided with him, throwing her arms around him and hugging him.

"She's gone." He said again as he began to cry and Izzie held him tighter. Alex was coming from the other direction, catching up with her. Mark was making his way down as well, followed closely by Lexi.

"It will be okay." Izzie tried to reassure him as she began to cry. Alex appeared, placing his hand on Derek's back and one on Izzie's, unsure of what to do. Mark came to his best friend's side and immediately threw his arm around his shoulders, but Izzie would not release him, holding him all the more tighter.

"You're going to be okay, Derek, we're here." Izzie reassured him, her own tears flowing from her eyes as the sound of the heart monitor was finally turned off in Meredith Grey's room.


Three Months Later: Los Angeles, California

Oceanside Wellness Group: The Office of Violet Turner

She could suddenly sense the air and mood change in her office. Some instinct, a feeling more, was telling her to get out and away, to save herself. But, the rational side of her brain, her conscience and her training kept her glued in her seat. She uncrossed her legs and sat back as deep as she could in her chair. She controlled her breathing, allowing the air to quietly pass through her nose. She was nervous and she was repressing the urge to vomit all over her rug due to her sudden fear. A fear she did not know was suddenly causing the hair on her arms to stand up.

Violet watched her patient, Richard Osborne, a returned Iraq War veteran; hold himself in a tight embrace as he leaned forward on her couch, crying his eyes out. Richard had been struggling with post traumatic stress disorder due to five consecutive tours in Iraq. Added on top of his troubles, Richard's wife had died giving birth to their first child, who also died due to complications from her mother giving birth. The man had just returned home after his fifth tour and had to watch his wife die in front of him.

Since then, the man, now rocking himself back and forth on her couch, had been suffering from night terrors compounded with his grief. With a bit of courage, Violet moved up in her seat after giving this poor man some space. He had just shouted at her, causing his voice to be heard in the hallway, getting the attention of most of the people outside.

"Richard, why don't we…"

"I SAID DON'T TALK!!!!!" The man yelled again, causing Violet to sit back again, holding up her arms in a non confrontational way.

"Okay, okay." Violet said soothingly, "We'll play it by ear. You talk when you're ready." Violet said reassuringly. The man suddenly seemed to calm, and he immediately sat still, but still held himself in a tight embrace. His breathing started to slow and become more and more soft and normal. Violet took it as a good sign that the tension in the room could be broken and returned to a more normal pace.

"I still see them." The man suddenly said.

"Who, Richard?" Violet asked calmly.

"My Jenny…I see her doing just fine and then…a bullet comes and then THERE IS JUST FIRE AND PAIN and…"

"Richard, what you are experiencing is not uncommon. But you can come through this, but one of the things you have to do first is-"

"It's too much." Richard said, cutting Violet off. His interruption suddenly accompanied by an ungodly clicking sound that broke and echoed through her office. Violet felt her heart fall down to her ankles as her eyes widened. The familiar clicking sound of a gun being cocked caused all the blood to leave her face and her body unable to move. The man slowly rose before her and then to sit back down. Violet never took her eyes off her patient's H & K USP compact hand gun, in his hands.

"Richard, what are you doing with that gun?" Violet asked near above a whisper.

"It's too much, just too much." Richard stood, walked a few feet and sat back down so that he was sitting closer to Violet. "I don't want to hurt you, Dr. Turner." Richard said, tears falling from his eyes.

"That's…that's good, Richard. I don't," Violet took a moment to swallow the lump in her throat, "don't want you to hurt yourself either. So, why don't you…"

"You're very sweet." Richard said cutting her off. The man seemed too calm down and breathed more calmly and he wiped the tears from his eyes. He turned his head slowly, a look of lucidity on his face that momentarily convinced Violet that maybe what ever was bothering him had subsided enough. Violet suddenly realized she was holding on to a breath that she had not released yet.

"I know you're a good person, Dr. Turner. I know you care." He said looking her in the eye. "But the truth of the matter is, Doctor, you can't fix me. No one can." Richard held the gun up to his temple.

"NO!" Violet yelled as her patient pulled the trigger, releasing a round into the right side of his temple. Blood spattered onto Violet's clothes and face and the man slumped forward and fell onto to the floor, pushing her coffee table out of the way as he did. Violet had not realized that both of her hands rested firmly on the chair arms and that she had brought her feet up to her chin, staring directly at the spot where her patient had just been sitting.

"Did I hear a gun…" Naomi said, trailing off as she entered Violet's office, coming onto the scene of Violet scared stiff and her patient's body on the floor.

"Oh my God, Violet, are you alright?" Naomi said as she rushed to her and pulled her into an embrace. Violet didn't respond, she was still staring at where her patient had been sitting just seconds ago.

"What? Oh My God! Violet!" Addison called as she, Pete, Sam and Dell suddenly appeared, running into her office. Addison made her way over to the other side of her chair, taking her other hand. Sam immediately ran to the body lying on the floor.

"Violet!" Cooper yelled in concern and fear as he came in, only to see Violet sitting in fear. Her office was soon full of noise from patients and other people wanting to see what happened.

"Dell, call 911!" Naomi yelled.

"Is that…" Pete began.

"It's his blood." Violet shot out, still unable to move a muscle. Sam was already down at the man's side, turning him over and examining him.

"Is he dead?" Addison asked in shock.

"No, I still have a pulse." Sam replied as he grabbed dozens of tissue from a near by tissue box to stop the bleeding from the man's head. "Pete, I'm going to need a scrub towel, now. And someone tell Dell to hurry up with that ambulance. We might be able to help this guy!"


"Well if this guy isn't the luckiest guy in the world, I don't know who is?" Charlotte King said, walking out of the X-ray room with the patient's x-rays.

"What do you mean by that?" Addison asked.

"Take a look for yourself." Charlotte replied as she put the prints up on the light so that they could all see."

"That is lucky." Sam said, moving in for a closer look along with Addison. The bullet which Richard, the patient, had been trying to kill himself with, had lodged itself into the temporal bone, but it had not penetrated the brain.

"This guy is still alive." Addison said in disbelief.

"But in pain." Charlotte interjected, "If he could feel any right now. He's in a coma."

"He still should be operated on, that bullet shouldn't stay in there. It could affect his speech, his motor functions, his memory-" Sam began to list.

"Not to mention keeping him in pain." Addison adjured.

"Well, you're going to need someone who is world class. I don't have a surgeon here, that I trust enough, to do the job well." Charlotte informed them.

"World class you say?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, a neurosurgeon. They're the only one's I would trust with something like this."

"I see. Well, I think we know where we can find one." Sam said looking at Addison with a small grin. A look of anguish and melancholy immediately took over Addison's face as she realized who Sam was referring to. A man she thought she would never ask of anything ever again. But now, she knew if this guy stood any kind of chance to live, she would have to make this one important phone call.

"Derek, I know. I'll call him." Addison said slowly as she walked quickly from the examining room. In her mind she was battling herself, telling herself to get Naomi to call Derek, but she realized that she had to be the one to call. Oh God, she said to herself; please let him pick up, I need him to. This in not like when Archer was sick.

Would Derek even consent to come this time? She had not really been in contact with him that much since the time of Archer's sickness. For all she knew he had babies with Meredith. Yes, Addison, thought to herself; this was going to be a phone call that she was just going to dread. He was quite clear after the divorce that he never wanted to see her again. The time with Archer trumped that. But, this time, it was something different.

End of Part I.