Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of the characters.

Warning: This contains material that some may deem inappropriate. First, any graphic content is pure fantasy and masturbatory fodder on the part of the characters, in the context of the story they would never act on their desires. Second, Alice is most definitely 18 and of legal age, and I think I've made Charlie younger than he was in Twilight. But, if the thought of an 18-year-old girl with a man old enough to be her father makes you uncomfortable, then stop reading now!


I grunted as the sticky white mess spilled over my hand and onto the shower tiles.

I stood under the spray, hoping the hot water would wash away the inevitable guilt and shame.

She's only 18, my inner voice said. She's my daughter's best friend. She shouldn't be fodder for my morning jerk off sessions.

But once the thoughts started, I couldn't always make them stop. As I pulled on my police uniform I couldn't help thinking about her. About her smile, about the way she always laughed at my jokes. About the way she would tease me about the low crime rate in Forks and the laughable amount of police activity I actually got to do.

I wasn't a pervert. If I were a pervert I could have just used Penthouse, or YouPorn. I could buy videos of barely legal girls going wild. If it was just her body I was attracted to, I could search through all the pornography in the world and pick out the petite brunettes, with short spiky hair and unearthly graceful gaits.

But it was more than that. It was her I was attracted to.


I would never act on any of these impulses. I was absolutely confident of that. The rational, protective, parental side of me was actually kind of horrified that I harbored this much desire for a young woman my daughter's age. It wasn't uncommon in other cultures, for older men to be with much younger women, but it was certainly taboo in Forks, Washington. Besides, I could never do that to Bella. And I was kidding myself to think that Alice would ever be remotely interested in a middle-aged fool like me.

I remembered the first time I met Alice. Bella had been living with me for a few months and I was starting to get a little worried because she didn't seem to be making many friends. She didn't go out much, kept to herself. Until one Friday in April, near the end of the school year, that petite firecracker of a pixie came barreling into my house for a sleepover. From then on she and Bells were nearly inseparable.

Summer had been torture.

Though I was glad my daughter wasn't off doing god knows what with some teenage hoodlum, sunbathing in my backyard with her best friend who left me sporting almost as much wood as I had back when I was a teenager, well, it was a different kind of torture.

Just thinking about Alice in her pink polka dot bikini left me in a predicament as I had to exit my car and walk into the police station.

Unfortunately it was a typical slow day in Forks, giving my mind too much time to wander. I tried not to think of her physical appeal. It was only the idea of some 38-year-old man fantasizing about my daughter that could ever hinder me from going down that route. But Alice wasn't like my daughter. Even as a child of divorce, Bella had a charmed life by comparison to Alice. From what I knew of her life, Alice had to grow up fast; and she radiated a maturity that even most women my age did not carry. She never seemed to have those head-in-the-clouds moments that, as daughter of Renee, occasionally took Bella over.

Alice never knew her parents; her earliest memory was waking up in an orphanage. I only knew wisps of what had happened to her at that ungodly place and subsequent group homes; Carlisle did not know many of the details himself, and would not betray his foster daughter's confidence with some of the more gory details.

She had the music and movie tastes of my grandmother, favoring anything starring Audrey Hepburn, but she also knew an uncanny amount of trivia from my favorite 80s movies. One Saturday morning months ago I came downstairs at 5 o'clock to head out for my usual weekend fishing excursion and found her curled up on the couch, watching Weird Science. She claimed that she couldn't sleep, but I could see in her eyes that something had haunted her sleep that night and she was reluctant to return to it. I asked if she wanted company and she simply nodded. We watched Gary and Wyatt together until I could hear the soft sounds of her slumbered breathing.

She looked so peaceful while she slept. It made me realize how much pain actually lurked behind her perky exterior when she was awake.

Eventually the day ended, proudly without the need for an excursion to the bathroom to take care of business. I called Bella as I left, to see if she wanted me to pick up dinner. She told me that Alice was going to spend the night, and asked if I could get Chinese take-out. I asked her what I should order, but truthfully I already knew. Alice's favorites were garlic chicken and hot and sour soup. I would always get a quart of soup for her and me to split. It was my favorite too.

As I pulled into the driveway, Chinese food in tow, I prepared myself for the onslaught of Alice that was about to occur. Her eyes would light up when I came in, she would flash me a huge smile and thank me for dinner as profusely as if I had bought her a glittering piece of jewelry.

We had just sat down to eat when a smirk appeared on Alice's face. She teased me and Bella for a minute about Bella's poor exposure to 1980s pop culture. I played along; and frankly I was a little horrified that my daughter had never seen Ghostbusters. So we relocated to the living room.

She and Bella sat together on opposite ends of the couch, and I took my usual spot in my recliner. I was closer to Bella, but from this distance I could sneak glances at Alice from the corner of my eye without getting caught. I was pathetic. A lonely, middle-aged man, who was probably trying to work through his midlife crisis. At least I had enough self-control to keep it in my head, well, and my hand.

So I sat back and enjoyed myself, getting lost in the movie I had already seen at least 50 times. Alice's laughter was infectious as we laughed at all the same spots. Bella seemed to be enjoying it, but I caught on to a lot of her eye-rolling. Sure it looked a little outdated 25 years later, but it was still a classic.

As soon as it was over, Alice jumped up to put in another movie. She suggested American Beauty, and I couldn't help but blush. I choked on the words that would veto the selection that hit a bit too close to home, but by some miracle Alice tossed the suggestion aside and put in Say Anything instead.

"What is with your 80s kick lately Alice?" my daughter asked as the credits started to roll. "Not that I'm complaining about this particular choice."

Alice shrugged, and then looked at me and smiled. "The selection at the orphanage was about as outdated as the Chief's collection here. I grew up with these."

I chuckled and offered to go make popcorn, if only to escape the rather sexy smirk that played at her lips.

Watching a love story about two people who weren't supposed to be together, combined with Alice's sighs in response to the infamous Peter Gabriel moment was more than I could handle.

I begged off before it was over, using early fishing as an excuse for needing a good night's sleep. Finally able to make my escape I hurried upstairs and into the bathroom, double-checking to make sure I locked the door behind me. I stripped off my uniform and turned on the water. I didn't need the shower for this, but the noise from the running water would hopefully help muffle any involuntary moans that could possibly escape my lips.

As I let the hot water roll down my body, I thought about her plump lips, and how lovely they looked as she threw her head back in laughter in the living room just now. I thought about some alternate universe wherein I could have asked her to join me in the shower. I thought about her stripping off her clothes, and feeling her petite curves as she slipped into shower in front of me.

And then she was on her knees and I imagined those sweet lips wrapped around my cock. She began gently, licking up and down my shaft, around the head. She was teasing me, taunting me, before eventually she took as much of me into her mouth as she could.

The speed of my right hand increased, and I reached my left hand down to cup my balls, imagining her delicate hand gently massaging them instead of my own.

I would refrain from thrusting into her mouth so as not to hurt her. But she would just take me deeper, looking up at me with her deep blue eyes, letting me know that she wanted this. Wanted me. Wanted me in her mouth. Wanted to swallow every drop of my cum.

And that was all it took. It shot over my hand and against the tiled wall.

I exhaled slowly, trying to force my pounding heartbeat to pace itself.

I let myself feel the hot water hitting my tense body. Not that it would do any good. No matter how long I stood under the shower head, I could not wash away the pull I felt toward Alice.

She would graduate in May, go off to college, meet a man her age, fall in love, get married, have children... and I would be happy for her.

But nothing could keep her away from my dreams.



I turned on the hot water and put the stopper in place. I grabbed some lavender bubble bath and added it to the water. Once I had the water going I snuck back into my bedroom, even though I knew it was too early for anyone else to be up and around. I pulled open the bottom drawer of my nightstand, reached into the back and pulled it out. The source of my pleasure.

My rabbit.

My waterproof rabbit.

For my 18th birthday this November I demanded that Bella go with me on a day trip to the Lion's Den off the interstate. She, of course, was more than hesitant and it took an exhausting combination of flattery, guilt and bribery to get her to go with me. But even she thanked me now, after introducing her to the wonder that is masturbation. Granted, I wasn't the most sexually experienced girl in the world. I wasn't physically a virgin, but technically the only things that had ever passed through those lips were fingers – mine and Jasper's, tampons, and 5 insertable inches of poly vinyl chloride. But Bella, poor, repressed Bella, had never even explored the possibility of self-love.

I convinced her to make a purchase, a small vibrating rubber ducky. Discreet, but enough to send her into a frenzy. I answered as many of her questions as I could. Eventually the questions stopped, and a few days later there seemed to be a spring in Miss Bella Swan's step that never was there before. We'd have to make another trip to the Lion's Den soon, I'm sure she had fantasies to live out that required more than a rubber ducky.

If only she knew who starred in my fantasies. She'd never speak to me again. I know that she pined for my foster brother Edward, but that was different. Sure, Edward was closer to me than anyone other than Bella and it would be really weird if they did get together, but at least it would be socially acceptable. And anyway, I didn't have to worry about that. Edward was the object of desire for nearly every girl (and some of the boys) in school, if Bella had any idea of his escapades, it would scar her for life. If only I didn't need Jasper to cover for my unhealthy obsession, I would try to push the two of them together. I felt like such a horrible friend.

I turned off the water and dipped my toe into the bathtub. Perfect. It was almost scalding hot, but that was just the way I liked it. I eased myself in, under the bubbles, savoring the warmth as it wrapped around my body.

I just lay there for a few minutes, relaxing, until my thoughts drifted to the inevitable.

It was his moustache that really drove me crazy. I could imagine those thick, dark, bristly hairs tickling my clit as Charlie stuck his tongue between my folds. Then I imagined the way his moustache would feel as he left a trail of kisses up my body. Licking my breasts, tickling and teasing my nipples. Stopping to leave a slow, sucking kiss at the spot on my neck that Jasper could never seem to find. Finally he would stop at my lips, his deep brown lust-filled eyes looking into mine, and then he would pull me into a passionate kiss.

I flipped the switch on my rabbit and pulled it under the water.

Even without the bath water I was wet enough to proceed without needing to first tease my clit.

I thought of standing in front of Police Chief Charlie in his bedroom, undoing the buttons of his uniform shirt and removing the offending article that kept me from his manly chest. My next step would be to unbuckle that ugly black belt he always wore, and then I would slowly, slowly, undo the top button of his well-fitting pants. I would get on my knees then, and finish off his zipper with my teeth. His pants would drop and I would impatiently pull his briefs down with them.

Then I would stand up, the tease that I am, and shove him playful down so that he was sitting on the edge of his bed, fully erect, ready, and waiting. And then I would be unable to tease any more and I would crawl onto his lap, wet with desire, and lower myself onto his length.

I groaned as the rabbit filled me.

I'd sit in his lap, riding him up and down, his hands at my hips helping set the rhythm. Eventually Charlie would feel my need start to build and would bring his thumb to my lips. I would suck on his thumb until it was nice and wet, and then Charlie would lower it to my clit.

I shuddered as the rabbit ears vibrated furiously against my clitoris.

And so it would go. I would ride him up and down, while he rubbed delicious circles against that sweet button of pleasure. Until we couldn't take it anymore. And he would gaze lovingly, longingly into my eyes and tell me to release around him, as he was buried deep inside me, his thumb circling faster and faster and faster. And then I hit my limit.

"Oh!" I moaned. "Oh Charlie," I added softly, as another shock of pleasure rippled through my body.

I lay panting in the tub. Trying to recover not only from the orgasm, but from the fantasy that I knew would never take place.

The only thing that got me out of the tub was Edward's insistent knock on the bathroom door.

"Jesus, pixie! You've been in there for over half an hour! I need to shower before school!"

I quickly got out of the tub, grabbed everything I would need to finish getting ready sans bathroom, made sure my rabbit wouldn't be visible and hurried out of the bathroom.

School went by slowly, the only highlight of the long day being lunch. Bella and I sat with Edward and Jasper, as well as our friends Ben and Angela. I wasn't sure how I got away with it without getting detention for inappropriate touching, but I spent most of the 45 minutes carefully perched on Jasper's lap, curling my fingers through his hair.

Thank god for Jasper. He was like my beard. Most people probably thought we were dating, but we weren't. He was Edward's best friend and so he was over at the house a lot. But Edward's lifestyle often left him too occupied to entertain his best friend, so I spent a lot of time keeping Jasper company. We became close friends, but it really never went beyond ridiculous flirting and a little bit of fooling around, especially when we were engaging in some unsupervised, underage drinking. We just kind of got each other; it was easy.

I think he knew about my crush on Chief Swan, but he never said anything. Just like I never said anything about the crush I knew he had on Bella. I felt bad for the way I teased him, but he teased me right back, the fear of Bella's rejection always too great for him to actually make a move. It was all so silly, the games we played to protect our hearts.

I was spending the night at Bella's again. She and I usually spent weekends alternating between her house and mine. But my oldest foster brother, Emmett, was home from college this weekend. I loved the guy, I did, but he would inevitably get a whole bunch of his old buddies together and they'd take the house over.

My heart skipped a beat as I heard the police cruiser pull up. I tried not to let my eyes betray me as he entered kitchen. So I tried to make it seem like the food bags he was holding were the object of my smile. He smiled back at me as I grabbed the bags from his hand, my hand brushed his and I swear I felt a shock of electricity pulse through me. I deluded myself into thinking that he felt it too, because he seemed slightly flustered as he asked Bella to hand him a plate. God, I was delusional.

I suggested that we watch a movie as we ate and Bella and Charlie both agreed. Neither she nor her father was very talkative, which normally I enjoyed. Both were very stoic and observant, not needing to fill every gap with idle chatter but meanwhile being very poignant when they did break the silence. Plus, I usually did enough talking for two. But tonight I just did not feel like performing my usual running monologue. It was too likely that I would slip. It was all I could do to stop my hand from wiping away a drop of hot and sour soup – mine and Charlie's favorite – that had settled on his moustache. I could see my finger tracing his moustache, collecting the drop, and then his lips parting to taste the soup from it.

I needed a distraction.

"Charlie," I said in a serious tone. "Did you know that your daughter, your flesh and blood, carrier of your DNA, has never seen Ghostbusters?" I smirked at Bella.

"What?" Charlie grinned at me. "Bells are you serious? What was Renee teaching you down in Phoenix? My god, if I had known you were being so poorly educated, I would have asked you to move up here a long time ago!"

Bella laughed, "Oh, you know Renee. She always tried to keep up with the kids. I bet you've never seen Shrek."

"Bella, you are NOT comparing that silly green ogre to Slimer, are you? Because that shit won't fly. Come on," I got up from my seat at the table, carrying my soup and garlic chicken into their cozy living room.

"She's right Bells." I could hear Charlie's deep voice behind me. "New house rule: No entering unless you know what to say when someone asks if you're a god."

I giggled as Bella begrudgingly followed Charlie into the room, taking her place opposite me on the couch. With Bella as a buffer I was able to steal glances at Charlie, unnoticed in the room that was quickly darkening with the setting sun. We watched the movie in companionable silence, Charlie and I laughing a lot more than Bella. It really wasn't her kind of movie, but she humored both of us and by the end I think she was starting to come around.

When the credits started rolling, I hopped up and immediately went in search of another movie to slip in. I know it was pathetic, but I figured that if I could get it started before Charlie got up then he would want to stay and watch. And I would get more time to bask in his presence and think about all the things I wanted him to do to me. They didn't have a lot of movies, although Bella had contributed substantially to the collection since she and I began our weekend sleepover routine. I was just in a hurry, willing to watch anything to keep Charlie in the room. Unfortunately the first thing I grabbed was American Beauty.

As soon as the title slipped from my lips, I cringed. Thank god the dark room could hide my blush. The story about the friend who tries to come on to her friend's father? Geez Alice, could you be more obvious? The only difference was that I was no sexy cheerleader; to Charlie, I was just his daughter's sidekick.

To his credit though, Charlie never treated me like a kid. That, of course, was part of the reason for the sustained attraction. He really didn't treat Bella like a child either, though he certainly had an instinctual, protective-parent sense. He never pitied me or felt sorry for me or talked down to me the way most adults did, especially adults who knew about my less than happy childhood. No, Charlie spoke to me as if I were an equal, and we quickly became partners in crime at teasing Bella, as if we reached some unconscious agreement that we needed to toughen her up a little. When I met Bella she was overly self-conscious, even for a teenage girl, and I liked to think that Charlie and I were partly responsible for her coming out of her shell and standing up for herself a little more. She really had a lovely snarky side to her, when she could overcome her nerves, that is.

Thinking about Bella made me feel so guilty for lusting after her father. For the rest of the evening I tried to put him out of my mind, only wishing him a polite "good night" as he went upstairs to bed. After we finished the movie, Bella and I spent the rest of the evening gossiping about the drama at Forks High. Eventually we drifted off to sleep, me taking over the couch and Bella stretched out in the recliner.

I was a lucid dreamer. That was the only thing keeping back the horrific nightmares that sometimes managed to seep into my subconscious while I slept. When I felt them happening, Dream Alice was able to take control of the situation and take me away from the pain. This time Dream Alice must have been feeling extremely generous, because the white walls of the orphanage vanished suddenly. They were immediately replaced with the cornflower blue that I knew coated Charlie's bedroom walls.

And there he was. Sitting propped up against his pillows, his wrists ironically bound by handcuffs that were linked to the slats of his headboard.

Dream Alice sighed.

My eyes drifted down to him lap. He was ready for me. I crawled across the bed toward him, smirking at his bound hands. Even though he was at full attention, I caressed his body in teasing kisses and warm breaths. He groaned and shook his wrists in frustration as my tongue trailed lightly up his penis, stopping to let my mouth hover above the head in a taunting gesture. But it wasn't my mouth that I wanted him to be buried inside, so I appeased his agony by quickly sitting up, replacing my mouth with my wet pussy.

I wasn't sure why all my fantasies occurred with me straddling Charlie's lap, riding him with reckless abandon, but who was I to argue with my kinky subconscious?

And then I was rubbing my clit in circles faster and faster as my hips began to come down harder and harder on Charlie's rock solid erection. I couldn't keep it in any longer and so I ordered Charlie's release. I didn't feel it though, because at that moment I came, hard, all around my dream man's glorious dick.

At that moment I awoke, my hand shoved into my panties as I slept, fingers gently stroking my throbbing clitoris. My legs felt like jelly and I felt an undeniable dampness at my crotch. I groaned silently. Even while asleep, Charlie was giving me mind-numbing orgasms. I shifted on the couch, looking over at Bella who was still sacked out on Charlie's recliner. I hoped that I never talked in my sleep the way she did, my secret could be revealed. I sighed, even though I knew it was a dream, I could feel Charlie's affection envelope me.

It was wrong and I knew it. But I couldn't help it.

Police Chief Charlie Swan would forever be the star of my dreams.

A/N: The title has nothing to do with the Weezer song of the same name. I do love that song though. And I must confess, Billy Burke (well, and Johnny Depp) inspired my unwholesome thoughts about moustaches. Thanks for reading!