Whew, boy, after regular updates on the first three chapters did I slip up on this one. This is a bit of a filler chapter before the next proper 'job' for the Guns, and it's markedly shorter than the others, but I hope to make up for it the next time. Can't promise a quick update on that one either, but I'll try to get my ass in gear.
Thank you for the reviews, and particularly for the suggestions – Thanks, Gibbly, I've been planning a Beer Money chapter for a while, and now I think I've got it. Keep them coming! In the meantime, let's cut the babbling from the crazy author chick and get to the chapter! Hope you enjoy.
Date Uploaded: 12 January 2010
Chapter 4: Sham-What?
Following the very unnatural experience the Motor City Machine Guns had with the Beautiful People at a health spa, they had just under two hours to prepare themselves for an iMPACT taping.
"We need to introduce our new line of MCMG merchandise tonight," Alex told Chris as he pulled on his t-shirt.
"Dude, none of the stuff is ready," Chris replied. "Everything is in really horrible prototype-mode – case in point, the spoon and fork set with our images on the handles."
Alex fished the said product out of his bag and admired it. "I think it would sell, don't you?" he said, holding the two items up.
"Answer me one thing," Chris said, "Why am I the spoon?"
Alex looked at the utensils. "Oh. Well, face it, Chris, between the two of us, everybody thinks you're the spoon."
"What does that even mean?"
Before Alex could reply to that the pyro at the ring area hit and the crowd roared, indicating the start of iMPACT. From there the Guns took part in a backstage segment with Lauren where Alex hijacked a camera and Chris showed off one of their few passable merchandise items, a Motor City Machine Guns tissue box. Dr Stevie went on to interrupt their segment and hire them to take out Abyss in a handicap match later on, which they subsequently lost and were only happy to have the Monster take out his annoying psychiatrist.
"I think the tissue boxes were a hit, dude," Alex said to his partner later on when they were out of the showers.
Chris tentatively touched his jaw and said, "Well if they were, they weren't the only ones to get hit tonight. Parks totally nailed me with that closed fist, man."
Alex made and impatient noise and motioned for Chris to focus on him. "Hey, listen, I don't care if most of the stuff we have are prototypes, our merchandise line is go, man. So, seeing as our next 'job' is in three days, I say we debut the entire range to the public."
"Okay, let's assume I'm buying this," Chris said. "How do you propose we do that?"
"Where else would you peddle dodgy, potentially unreliable and very much untested products?"
Chris thought about it and then grinned. "The Home Shopping Network."
"Right on," Alex said, cocking a finger at him.
"… Hey folks, the name's Vince Offer, the guy who brought you two great products in the ShamWow! and the Slap Chop," Offer "Vince" Shlomi said with a side smile, presumably greeting millions of sleep deprived, very gullible and/or very bored people in TV Land. "And now I'm here today to tell you about a new, amazing product called ¡Buzz-Bang! Originally developed by underpaid, underage coal miners in…"
That was about as far as he got before '1967' by Gearz with Dale Oliver hit and both Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin appeared on either side of Vince, startling him. "What the fu—?"
"Hi, my name is Alex Shelley, and this is Chris Sabin," Alex said, introducing the two of them, "And we're known as the Motor City Machine Guns, the sexiest tag team since Shawn Michaels blasted Marty Jannetty through that glass window."
"We've come here today to showcase our new line of Guns merchandise, every single one of which is ten times the value for money than this new product that this guy is offering," Chris said. "Well, except maybe the spoon and fork set – I would say that's just roughly nine or eight times the value for money."
"What is with you and those utensils?" Alex commented.
"Hey, what do you two clowns think you're doing??" Vince Offer suddenly snapped, causing both of them to look at him. "This is my show, you can't just crash it! Who let you in anyway?? Security!"
"Yeah, I think that's enough out of this guy," Chris said.
"I concur," Alex agreed.
And with that the two of them grabbed Vince by the scruff of his neck and tossed him straight over the table and right out of sight of the camera. There was a crash and a groan, the Guns glanced down briefly and then turned charming smiles back to the camera.
"All right, to start things off, the exclusive Motor City Machine Guns line of drinking cups," Alex said, motioning for someone off screen to bring in the merchandise. A somewhat confused stagehand came up with a box and set up the cups on the counter in front of them. "It currently features five designs – the Guns in dynamic pose, Alex Shelley solo looking sexy, Chris Sabin solo looking cool, the two of us doing an awesome aerial double team move, and finally the two of us sitting down with books and tea with a backdrop of the Eiffel Tower, for the more introspective fans."
"We've been informed that we have less than seven minutes, so we're going to move this along quickly," Chris said, sweeping the cups off and back into the box that the stagehand was holding, causing the poor guy to scramble to catch them all. "Next up are the handy Guns-themed everyday signs," he said, and pulled up a box from behind the counter.
Alex took one and said, "Featuring a 'No Smoking' sign," and he showed a plate with the traditional no smoking sign, but with a picture of the Guns putting out the cigarette of a surprised and very irritable Don West.
"A 'Children Crossing' sign," Chris continued, and he showed a plate with the two of them actually helping kids cross the street, all of the children wearing Guns t-shirts.
"And finally a 'Beware of Dog' sign," Alex said, showing a plate with a picture they had sneakily caught of Velvet Sky three weeks ago the first thing in the morning, looking completely heinous.
"And since we're running really low on time, here's a quick rundown of the rest of our exclusive merchandise," Chris said. With that the two of them started to toss various items out in front of the camera, including but not limited to bed spreads, pencil sharpeners, the ever persistent bobbleheads, sticker books, toilet plungers, watering cans, posters, hastily ghostwritten books, magnets, fishing lines, cookie dough, paper bags, coin purses and hair scrunchies – for men. "Call now and we will take 1.2648% off the regular retail price," Chris finished.
"Tune in next week, when we debut our red light, adults only line," Alex said, winking at the camera as their, or technically Vince Offer's, on air segment came to an end.
"I thought we eighty-sixed the adult line," Chris said to him as the cameras went off air.
"Nah, I resurrected it when you decided to call it a night on our brainstorming session," Alex said, the two of them beginning to walk off the set while staff members finally decided to pick up the groaning Vince Offer off the floor, shoving all of the Guns' hastily showcased merchandise line off him.
"You mean the Monday we played Halo drunk until six in the morning while throwing stupid ideas into the air, wherein I finally conked out after kicking your ass five consecutive times?"
"It was not five times."
"Oh it was. At least."
"I plead brain cell deterioration due to thirteen bottles of beer."
"Excuses. But you were saying?"
"It didn't take much," Alex said, exiting the building into the night air. "For one thing, I just took the kids' bed sheets we already had and added some of those naughty pictures of me and that hot blonde I met in the Caribbean six months ago."
"That is so fucking wrong on so many levels," Chris said to him.
"Aw, come on, don't bitch just because I couldn't find any pictures of you that were sexy enough to add. In the very least you're coming with me tomorrow to Mr Chan's Happy Stuff for Adults to get penis molds."
"Penis—what??" Chris exclaimed.
"It's for our exclusive Motor City Machine Gun Adults dildo range to please the ladies; will you keep up here, man?" Alex told him impatiently.
"Listen, douchebag, my mother is a strict Roman Catholic," Chris snapped at him. "I am NOT making a fucking dildo crafted from the shape of my penis to market to the public! If she found out, and she will, she will bean me over the head with a heavy figurine of Michael the Archangel and then drown me in a basin of holy water!"
Alex snickered. Chris lost his patience and yelled, "It's NOT FUCKING FUNNY, MAN!" causing a pair of lovers on a bench to get startled out of their make out session.
"Fine, fine," Alex soothed, holding up his hands in an effort to calm his tag team partner. After a beat, he asked, "Can I at least put your face on the package of edible underwear?"
Chris snarled something incoherent but no doubt very filthy and tackled him. The trip home was, as usual, filled with intermittent bursts of anger and fistfights, despite Chris being behind the wheel. They would sleep it off and start the same cycle again tomorrow when they headed for their next job.