Title: The Convict Trio and the Wings of the Heir (1/?)

Name: Voldie For Prez

Email: hsfnww@yahoo.com

Category: Humor

Keywords: Lupin, Snape, Sirius, Merlin, Armani

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: All Four Books, FB

Summary: AU fic. Lupin and Snape get into a fight at lunch. Eventually hauled off to Azkaban, they escape (with Sirius Black in tow) and set off to clear their names. Includes a teacher named Nads, Voldie playing Quidditch, snazzy Armani suits, Merlin's sense of humor, stinkbomb potions, but only a tiny bit of snogging. We're so sorry.

Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Author's Note: We'd.. umm.. like to thank JKR, fer making the incredibly diverse world that we mold like putty and make fanfics out of. Lari would like to thank Kels for getting her started in Harry Potter RPing. BTW, we're two people, really. I'm Akane and that's Lari. *points to invisible people* Her AIM is eyeKEELyuu and mine is Scary BogMonster. Err.. that's pretty much it. XD Lari would like to say...'MWAAR! Yah, we're crazy.' Visit our equally crazy RPG at http://www.geocities.com/hsfnww/index2.html XD XD

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War of the Professors

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Lari's AN: Please keep in mind that this was done as a test roleplay in an RPG of ours. In truth, we wrote this while laughing our asses off in amusement. :D We'd like to note that we DO like these characters. We're not bashing at all. XD

Akane's AN: We know that Lupin wouldn't be DADA teacher during Harry's first year. But we dun really care. *slaps an AU label on the fic and makes everything alright* XD Please forgive the outrageous OoC. Revised now! :D

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As Lupin sat down in his cushy green chair riiiiiight next to Snape, the golden platters in front of him immediately filled with food. Chicken, beef, mutton, veal, there was no end to the meaty goodness. A sharp observer would notice that there were no veggies or any kind of non-meat products in Lupin's vicinity. Of course, everybody in the Great Hall was too busy eating and chatting to notice anything much at all.

The enchanted ceiling was showing a bright, sunny day. Quidditch season was approaching, and Lupin's sharp ears caught many rumbles of discontent from the green and silver-bannered table. Most of them were about Harry Potter, the young first year in Gryffindor and, incidentally, one of the most famous people in the Wizarding World (just had to capitalize that). Idly gnawing on a lamb's leg bone, Lupin rose from his spot at the teacher's table and sauntered over to the Slytherin table, where he stopped in front of a certain silver-haired youth, who had been complaining the loudest of all.

"If you had any complaints about Harry," Lupin said to Draco, smiling pleasantly. "you could have told a teacher about them, you know." Still twirling that lamb bone around. XD

Draco did something of a double take on hearing Lupin's voice, but relaxed a bit when he saw the DADA teacher. He fingered the *silver* clasps on the front of his robes as he took in the Professor's shabby and slightly singed robes.

"Oh... Professor. I just hope Potter is as good a flyer as he's made out to be." He looked around at his housemates and smirked. "We won't want to scrape him off the field after the match."

"Anything that involves scraping Potter off the field as a result sounds rather entertaining, actually." Azraelle said under her breath, followed by some sniggers from a few fellow Slytherins.

"And I assume that you'd be the one doing the scraping, Ms. Viliaris?" Lupin said sharply. He started balancing the bone on one finger; it teetered precariously back and forth. "Although I must admit, you don't look like one to enjoy physical labor," he commented, sliding smoothly around to stand behind Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle.

"Then again, perhaps we could employ Messrs. Crabbe and Goyle here. They look to have the strength of a dragon!" Lupin enthused. "And the brains to match," he added as an afterthought. Crabbe and Goyle, too stupid to understand that they were being insulted, puffed out their chests proudly with important looks spreading on their gormless faces. Patting them both on the backs, he passed on to the girls' side of the table.

"Or maybe we'd be better off with the.. err.. fairer sex," he said, although he was obviously pondering whether the term 'fair' could ever be applied to the likes of Millicent Bulstrode or Pansy Parkinson. Lupin stroked his chin briefly and suddenly an idea made its way into his head.

"You, you, and you," he snapped, pointing at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle. "Since you three are so concerned about Harry's safety, perhaps you can make a net to catch him in. During your free time." He paused to consider it for a moment. "Without magic. After all, I wouldn't want you to waste your eldritch energies like that."

Crabbe hesitantly raised his meaty hand. "Uhh... Professor? What're we gonna do with the net when we're done making it?"

Lupin's eyes lit up. "Why, you're going to run around the Quidditch stadium, ready to catch Harry should he fall. And you'll be doing it for the entire game." Lupin made a mental note to get Harry keeping the game going as long as possible.

The lamb bone perched on Lupin's finger finally teetered and fell, giving Malfoy a good clout and plunging into Goyle's pumpkin cider with a loud splash.

"Oops. Clumsy me. So sorry about that," Lupin said lazily, not sounding very sorry about it at all. With that, he turned back to the teacher's table, his eyes on a rather delectable looking meat pie. Nummy.

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...But DEAR Professor Remus Lupin was intercepted by Snape before he could make it to the teachers' table. A pity.

The Potions Master gave the werewolf a piercing glare. "Excuse me," he began coldly, eyeing Lupin as if he were an unwelcome smudge on his cloak, "but I do believe the Slytherin students are mine to handle. Care to explain why you so diligently decided they deserve some manual labor?" Severus did not, by far, appreciate his own game played against his house, after all...

Lupin smiled at DEAR Professor Severus Snape, a hint of something altogether feral twinkling in his eyes. "But Severus," he said softly. "They were so very concerned about Harry's safety. I'm sure they would sleep better, knowing that they could personally ensure his continued wellbeing."

With that, Lupin slipped past Snape, towards that most scrumpdiddlyumptious looking pheasant roast, sitting steaming right beside that nummy looking meat pie.

Snape narrowed his eyes and pressed his lips together into a tight, thin white line. He was not happy to hear this news. That, and the fact that the Potions professor knew that none in his house would want to expend manual labor without the use of magic on Potter...

Unfortunately, the Potions professor could not say a thing without complimenting the scarred boy. So, instead, he stormed back to his place at the table with an angry huff.

With a smile, Lupin sat down in his seat right beside the fuming Professor Snape. In addition to the pheasant roast and the meat pie, a large platter with smoked salmon and a plate piled high with crackers and a pink paste. Lupin took a cracker and applied a generous spreading of the rosy paste to it. He raised it to his mouth and popped it in, chewing slowly.

"Ahh.. Pate always does taste so good.." he said, an expression of contentment on his face. He then proceeded to sample the excellent poached jarvey eggs and a slice of diluted (but still quite deadly if cooked wrong) lethifold hide.

Severus Snape scowled but said nothing as Lupin sat down beside him once more. WHY had Dumbledore chosen these seating arrangements again? The Headmaster knew that Snape didn't trust the werewolf one bit...

Lupin paused in his systematic destruction of all red-and-not-red meat in the near vicinity to look at Snape, who hadn't touched a thing. "My, my, Severus. Aren't hungry? Are you feeling a bit down today? Perhaps you should retire a bit early today..." he said, with just a HINT of a sarcastic smirk on his face.

Snape's scowl deepened. As soon as the words left Lupin's mouth, he had begun shoveling food onto his golden plate. "I'd think you'd want me to save food for your weak body, Lupin," he proclaimed with heavy sarcasm. "You seem to have quite the healthy appetite for being...ill."

All of this was said loud enough to be heard by the closest Slytherin students, of course.

Lupin blinked, a half-eaten steak hanging from his mouth, before he flipped the thing up and into the air, caught it with his teeth and swallowed.

"Well, I have to admit that you look quite ill yourself," he said, loudly enough to be heard at the Gryffindor table. "You should have your teeth checked by Madam Pomfrey. And your hair.." Lupin paused for a moment, turning over the phrase in his head. "Has not retained the glossy shimmer it had in our school years. Your complexion is so ashen and pale, my dear friend SNAPY," he finished.

So said, he turned to finish the baby-back ribs that had appeared conveniently right beside his plate.

Chuckles rose like a gale from the Gryffindor table.

Snapy?

The Potions professor cringed at his childhood nickname. If a single student tried to call him by that name, they'd get an automatic detention.

Snape sneered viciously as he took a bite of some beef he helped himself to. "Comes with spending hours on that potion you so begged me for, Moony." He snorted derisively and took a sip of his blood colored wine. "I'm not weak in the slightest."

Lupin flinched as Snape's words struck true, and his facade of Pleasant Vacancy slid away to reveal a feral snarl. His hands slid under the table to hide his fingernails, which were starting to sharpen and elongate in a most alarming way. Gritting his teeth, he managed to say to the dining hooknosed Professor,

"Ah, yes. The potion, Severus. The potion that you insist I take. I wonder why you're so persistent in getting me to drink it? Perhaps you fear some... unfortunate accident would befall you if I didn't?" Lupin snatched a chicken leg from the table and bit into it savagely, not even noticing that his (slightly sharper than usual) canines sliced through the bone as well as the meat. The crunching sounds from the bone echoed through the now-silent Great Hall, as all the students and teachers turned to give their full attention to Snape and Lupin.

Professor Kettleburn nudged Professor Vector, giving her a quizzical look. She responded with an equally puzzled shrug, and they both turned to watch the ongoing War of the Professors. *cough*

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Snape gave Lupin's revealed bestial behavior a greasy, thin-lipped grin. "Allowing your true nature to slip, Remus?" Next to the werewolf, Severus had begun to look rather clean. He paid the silent Great Hall no mind, however, and continued the verbal war. "I always knew you were an untrustworthy professor."

A deep snarl rumbled in Lupin's throat as he swallowed, unmindful of the sharp bone shards sliding down into his belly.

"And I assume that you are completely trustworthy, Severus? You know what Alastor Moody has to say about people like you..." Lupin said this with a feral grin.

Snape's gaze flickered to his own tattooed arm (concealed by his cloaks, of course) as Lupin made the Mad-Eye Moody comment. His features darkened and a look of utter loathing was presented to the werewolf--one normally reserved only for Harry Potter.

"That is irrelevant now. I have pledged my loyalty to this school long ago. You were simply trash picked up along a roadside for a job few were willing to take."

Lupin's eyes darkened with a rising bloodlust, kept only in check by his own will. He returned Snape's loathful glare with a dark look of his own.

"Promises are sometimes broken, and loyalty pledged is not always kept, Professor Severus Snape," Lupin said bitingly. "Is that tattoo on your arm troubling you? I remember clearly that you wanted this job yourself. Perhaps Dumbledore didn't trust you enough to give you the job of teaching students about the Dark Arts? Afraid you'd give them a... close-up experience?" Lupin growled.

"If the Headmaster was willing to hire you for the job, Professor Remus J. Lupin," Snape began with hardly suppressed rage, "I don't see why he shouldn't trust me. There's always the chance you will bite off the heads of the more unfortunate students."

"At least with me, the danger is clear and defined, Severus. There's always the chance that you will convert them to serve your DARK MASTER," Lupin retorted, hate distorting his voice. "And that would truly be a fate worse than death. Of course, some choose that path willingly. Right, Severus?"

"You know perfectly well I serve no 'Dark Master,' Remus," Snape growled, the food upon his plate entirely forgotten amidst the war. The 'anymore,' despite not being said, could be heard loud and clear at the end of that statement. "Are you falling ill again, Lupin? Your voice is beginning to sound rather hoarse..."

"I'm very fine, thank you, Severus." Lupin matched Snape's growl with one that shook the Hall. "You, on the other hand, look downright jaundiced. Is your tattoo bothering you? Perhaps you should roll up your sleeves, let it have a bit of fresh air," he said.

A dangerous flame flickered in Snape's coal black eyes. This was beyond vicious; it was downright dangerous. "I suggest you take a shave, Lupin, with all that stubble you're beginning to grow. I can't stand to have you in my presence any longer," Snape snarled, a threat lingering in his words.

"It is I who wouldn't want to be in your presence..." Lupin snapped. His hair had grown thicker and it now had the consistency of a brush. "DEATH EATER!" Lupin finished, his right hand flashing out impossibly fast and slashing away Snape's left sleeve. The cloth fell away and a light line of blood sprang up and flowed down his arm, but far from enough to hide the faint tattoo of a snake coming out of a skull's mouth.

The Dark Mark.

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That had done it.

As soon as his Dark Mark was revealed to all, Snape leapt back from his seat and wrenched out his wand from beneath the ebony folds of his cloak. "You've gone too far, WEREWOLF!" Severus shouted as he leveled his wand at Lupin. "Crucio!!!" he incanted in his rage, far beyond rational thought...

Lupin dodged desperately to the side as the curse cracked off of his chair and rebounded straight into Professor Binns. Binns, being a ghost, didn't notice a thing as the Cruciatus Curse was absorbed harmlessly by his ethereal body. Lupin growled and drew his own wand, pointing it at the Potions Master.

"Reducto!" he shouted, hoping to blast the good professor into tiny little unrecognizable chunks. A red, sparking bolt of power burst out of his wand and streaked for Snape's face...

Good thing Snape ducked and rolled out of the way of the curse. The red bolt of power passed by the Potions Master harmlessly and was absorbed by the transparent 'body' of the Fat Friar. What a vicious duel this was...

"AVADA KEDAVRA!!!" Severus shouted in turn, hoping to finally put the Werewolf out for good...

Lupin rolled desperately to the side as the huge invisible ripple in the air that was the Killing Curse passed above his head and impacted yet again into Professor Binns, who, naturally, being already dead, did not die.

"Showing your true colors, Snape?" Lupin growled, raising his wand. "An eye for an eye! AVADA KEDAVRA!" he roared, and yet another blinding green flash filled the room.

"LIKEWISE, Lupin!" Snape shouted, referring to the remarkable amount of fur the DADA professor happened to be growing as he leapt out of the way. The poor Fat Friar absorbed this spell, too--ghosts CAN be useful, huh?

Ah, well. Perhaps Severus should try a different approach other than Instant Kill...

"EXPELLIARMUS!" he incanted in an attempt to disarm Remus...

And succeeded, sending Lupin's wand flying through the air towards Snape's waiting hand. Lupin himself bounced painfully off the wall, but soon got to his feet and followed his wand on a collision course with Snape, tackling him and sending them both to the floor.

So Snape had done the only thing he could do in his position: he lashed out and punched Lupin in the face in an attempt to throw him off. Severus was, of course, determined to get out of the werewolf's grasp--those claws are nastily sharp, after all.

Lupin's head lurched backwards as Snape's fist slammed into his face, but quickly snarled and snapped forwards, reducing the Slytherin head's knuckles to bloody ribbons. Lupin's claws rent deep gashes in Snape's side, and the two continued kicking and punching until...

Suddenly, another, less familiar voice roared through the Hall. "THAT'LL BE ENOUGH, LADDIES!"

The scrabbling pair of Lupin and Snape suddenly turned with a bang into a scrabbling pair of ferrets. One was an obsidian black, with greasy fur and a long nose. The other seemed... shaggier and more feral than the average ferret, with unusually sharp teeth and claws. But they didn't really do much good as Alastor Moody bounced the two up and down around the Great Hall, finally turning them back into humans and leaving them in a dazed heap on the floor. They both lunged at each other, snarling, but Moody sighed and raised his wand again.

"Petrificus Totalus!" he incanted, holding them in place. But amazingly, the two teachers managed to open their mouths, although they were only able to utter growls.

"ARGGGGHHHH!!!" said Lupin calmly.

"AAARGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" Snape replied.

".....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!" Lupin retorted.

"......GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!" said Snape.

"Aw, shut up and stop trying to outdo each other, ye pussies," Moody muttered as more Aurors flooded into the Great Hall and hauled away Moony and Snapy.

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Yes, we know we're crazy.

Chapter End