Hello all. This is the first of my MadVampTV fanfiction skits. This was inspired by MadTV's skit, "Easy Bake Oven." If you haven't watched the video yet, head on over to Youtube and do yourself a favor. If you watch the video first, you're more likely to understand this and find it funny. Now...enjoy.
This is also a filler chapter for my fanfiction "Skilled Hands of A Surgeon." I kept everybody waiting so long...I decided to keep you entertained. And yes, part V is coming soon. :3
Disclaimer: I do not own this skit, or any characters used in this story. The skit is property of MadTV and all the characters are property of Stephenie Meyer.
(PS- When I use the word "oven" in this fanfiction, think of something along the lines of an easy bake oven. You know- one of the small square ones. )
The scene opens up in a normal every-day kitchen. In the center of said kitchen is a round wooden table and two chairs on either side of it. On top of the table is a small portable white oven.
Esme is sitting on the right, calmly smoking a cigarette while Bella is on the left, just sitting quietly. No one else is in the kitchen...yet.
Carlisle's voice comes out of nowhere into the kitchen. You can hear him, but he is nowhere to be seen.
"Does this happen to you?," Carlisle's voice asks.
The next thing you know, the fridge door swings open and Edward jumps out in a pirate outfit.
"Hahaha!," Edward laughs.
He then runs across the kitchen and dives into a cabinet and disappears.
As soon as Edward is inside the cabinet, the side door to the kitchen flies open.
Alice runs in dressed in an alien outfit, making weird alien noises. She was holding some sort of fake alien gun. She too runs across the kitchen and dives into the same cabinet that Edward did earlier.
It's silent...and the camera zooms in for a close-up of Esme.
She stops smoking for a second and swings her right arm on the chair back. Her eyes show her total confusion as she looks straight into the camera.
"What the fuck?!," she exclaims.
The camera beeps and flashes. It's take two.
Esme and Bella are sitting where they were before...in the empty kitchen. Esme is still smoking a cigarette.
Carlisle's disembodied voice speaks again...but you still can't see him.
"Okay. How many times has this happened to you?," Carlisle asks.
There is a close up on Bella's face. She is dressed like a little child with her hair in a ponytail. She turns to Esme.
"Mommy...I wanna bake a cake in my...," Bella trails off, apparently forgetting her lines.
She looks up at the ceiling, trying desperately to remember.
Esme has an annoyed look on her face at this point.
"Easy bake oven," Esme quietly whispers to Bella.
Bella looks at Esme, trying to figure it out.
"Easy...?," Bella begins.
"...bake oven...," Esme whispers again, the cigarette still smoking in her hand.
"Ov...what?," Bella asks loudly in confusion.
Esme just turns away and keeps on smoking, apparently annoyed at her child.
The camera flashes again. Take three.
This time, everything is the same, except that Bella was replaced with Alice, who was also dressed like a child. The whole scene began again.
"Mommy...I wanna bake a cake in my easy bake oven...but the light bulb is blown out," Alice says to Esme. Alice pretends to be sad and upset while she says this.
Esme takes another drag of her cigarette before answering in a rude voice.
"Dammit. I guess I just have to change the damn bulb," Esme says.
She takes another puff and the camera zooms in on her opening the small white oven on the table.
Esme reaches her left hand inside the oven to get the bulb. She immediately gets cut all over her hand- blood seeping all over her left palm.
"AHH! Oh, dammit!," Esme screams as she pulls her hand out of the oven.
Alice looks at Esme's hand and gasps at the sight.
Esme, in pain, grabs her cigarette again and begins to smoke violently, trying to get over the pain. Alice just stares in horror.
Esme takes a deep breath and wipes the grimace off her face and forces a smile in its place. She calmly looks towards the camera, her bleeding hand held out to one side.
"Isn't there a child's toy oven that doesn't utilize dangerous light bulbs as its method of confection?," Esme gasps out at the camera.
The camera snaps to the side door of the kitchen. Carlisle swings open the door and steps into the kitchen, in a black suit.
"Well now you can!," Carlisle announces as the door swings shut behind him.
Alice turns around in her chair to look at Carlisle.
"Who the hell are you?," Alice asks.
Carlisle looks down at her:
"I'm Carlisle Cullen," and he then looks into the camera and smiles. "And I've got a new toy so modern and fun...that you'll say 'goodbye' to that old-fashioned toy oven!" He waves at the camera.
He then smiles brightly, walks around to the back of the table and grabs the little white oven sitting on it. He takes the oven with both hands and starts to smash it on the floor and destroy it.
Alice is sitting in her chair, watching in horror. She looks like she's one second away from crying as she watches Carlisle destroy her toy oven.
Carlisle ignores her and keeps on smashing and wrecking the toy oven on the floor.
"Wahaha!," Alice starts crying loudly and covers her face.
Carlisle doesn't seem to hear and he just keeps on destroying the little white oven on the floor. At this point, the oven doesn't seem to be breaking so Carlisle throws it on the floor for one last time and he starts to kick it against the counters.
Alice is still crying loudly while Esme is still smoking and looking at her bleeding hand.
Carlisle finally gets the oven to break and he picks it up one final time and throws it down so hard that it is totally destroyed and is in pieces on the floor.
Alice, seeing it completely broken, starts to cry even louder.
Carlisle stands up straight, fixes his suit and flashes a brilliant smile as he walks over to Alice.
He leans down on the table in front of her:
"Now, little Alice, are you ready for your new toy oven of the future?," Carlisle asks kindly.
Alice takes one look at him and pushes her face back into her hands as she continues to cry and wail.
Esme, getting frustrated on the other side of the table, leans over the table slightly.
"Shut up!," Esme screams at Alice.
Carlisle smiles and tries again.
"Are you ready for your new toy oven of the future?," Carlisle asks for the second time.
Alice ignores him and just keeps on crying.
The camera flashes again. Take four.
There is a close up on the child sitting at the table. Except Alice wasn't there. Alice was replaced by Rosalie who was dressed like a child too.
"Sure mister!," she smiles up at Carlisle. She nods. "That sounds swell!"
The next thing you know, Carlisle pulls a giant cardboard box out of nowhere and sets it on the empty chair by the back of the table. He starts to open it.
Esme is still sitting where she is, smoking, hand bleeding and shaking her leg in pain. Rosalie on the other side of her is intently watching Carlisle open the mysterious box.
Apparently not being able to get the box open, Carlisle pulls a scalpel out of his suit pocket and slices open the tape on the top of the box. He puts the scalpel back into his pocket and opens the top of the box completely.
He pulls out another little white oven and packaging foam flies everywhere. He throws the open box into the corner and sets the little oven on the table.
Esme turns around in her chair to look at Carlisle and her foam-covered floor for a second. She's still smoking that cigarette.
"Who's cleaning that up?," she asks Carlisle in annoyance, seeing foam all over her kitchen.
"That's the spirit! It's 'Hey, It's Ovens for Kids'!," Carlisle announced as he patted the oven on the table. As he said this, text shows across the camera saying: 'Hey, It's Ovens for Kids!'
Esme smiles for a change, still holding her bleeding hand.
"No more light bulbs?," Esme asks enthusiastically.
"No more light bulbs!," Carlisle answers in a cheery voice.
Rosalie looks up at Carlisle.
"No more light bulbs?," Rose asks in a sweet little voice.
Carlisle looks at Rosalie, still smiling.
"No more light bulbs!," he repeats.
"No more light bu-," Esme begins to ask again.
"NO!," Carlisle cuts her off with a scream in frustration, his face getting angry.
In a split second, Carlisle went back to happy and cheery again. He smiled at the camera.
"And it's just like mommy's oven because it runs on clean burning gas!," Carlisle announces as he holds up a gas line coming from the side of the little white oven on the table.
Esme looks at Carlisle's demonstration and smiles and nods in approval. Meanwhile, Rose is just watching silently from the other side of the table.
Esme gestures towards the camera with the hand holding her cigarette...which is still burning.
"And look at that. Food cooked with natural gas doesn't have that strange electrical taste," Esme announces to the camera. Then she goes back to smoking again.
Rosalie smiles brightly at Esme.
"I wanna try! I wanna try!," Rose chants, jumping in her seat.
Carlisle smiles down at Rose. (It seems like he always has that smile on his face.)
"Now, hold on there little Rosalie. First we have to hook it up," Carlisle says.
Esme looks at the camera again.
"That sounds easy enough," Esme says.
"As easy as one, two, three!," Carlisle grins. "One: unhook your kitchen oven from the gas line."
The camera shows Rosalie dragging the little white toy oven across the floor to the real oven against the wall. Rosalie begins to tug on the real oven until it's about a foot away from the kitchen wall. She then walks behind the oven. She kneels on the floor and disconnects the gas line from the real oven.
The camera flashes to the table. Esme is still smoking, watching Rosalie. And Carlisle, now in Rosalie's seat, starts to light a cigarette between his lips...but this time, he's not smiling.
Carlisle takes the cigarette out of his mouth and smiles again at the camera.
"Two: Re-fasten the gas line to your 'Hey, It's Ovens for Kids' oven gas line," Carlisle explains in a cheery voice.
The camera shows Rosalie again. She now has a wrench in her hands, trying to pull off the gas line. She then pulls the little white oven closer to her and begins to attach the gas line to it. She has a bit of trouble doing so.
The camera switches to the table again.
Carlisle is holding a lit cigarette in his hand, leaning on the table, watching Rosalie with a bored and tired look on his face.
Esme is still sitting at the table, smoking, and she is grimacing at her still-bleeding hand.
The camera's back to Rose on the floor again.
She looks up towards Carlisle and Esme.
"I don't think it fits very well," Rose says truthfully, still kneeling on the floor.
Carlisle looks at her for a second with a serious face.
"You're insane," he says seriously.
Then another smile flies across his face and he turns back to the camera.
"And step three: light the pilot light with the 'My First Matches' included in the box!," Carlisle said.
He pulled out a box of matches the read 'My First Matches' and held it up to the camera. He gets up and walks around to Rosalie, who stands up and looks at him.
Carlisle bends down a little so his face is level with Rosalie's.
"See? Don't you wanna learn how to light a pilot light?," Carlisle asks her kindly.
Rosalie hesitates for a moment, then takes the box from him.
"Okay...," she says.
She takes a match and tries to light it by scraping it against the side of the box. She tries about five times and still doesn't get it lit.
"Here, let me help," Carlisle smiles.
He snatches the box from Rosalie's hands.
He takes a match from the box and strikes a flame in the first try.
The camera then flashes to show the outside of the house....as the house bursts into flames.
Some catchy music started playing as the house exploded. Then a picture of the little white oven appears on the screen.
"Hey, It's Ovens for Kids!.....," an announcer sings.
Then you see Edward in the pirate suit and Alice in her alien suit together on a black screen.
"Buy one today!," they smile and say together.
Then the commercial fades to black.
Lmfao. If you see the actual video for this, you'll realize just how funny it is!
I know, I changed the ending a bit, but hey, all of it still belongs to MadTV....and SM.
Well, I hope you enjoyed that little bit of humor. Thanks for reading and don't leave without reviewing! :D