AN: another Cam/Vala fic set early in season 10. this is just a little bit of fun so the characterisation isn't exactly spot on, the rating is for the next chapter. I'm trying my hand at 'funny' for a change, not somthing i do very often but i'm fed up with the doom and gloom i've been writting recently. For all of you looking for more DV stuff there will be somthing up next week.

My first shot at 'funny' and at somthing a little more adult than i've done before so let me know what you think.

Next chapter up in a few days.


"I brought you something." Vala stated as Cam opened the door to his apartment.

Cam looked slightly worried, for one thing, he didn't know how Vala had found out where he lived or how she had managed to escape the base to get here, and for another they hadn't exactly been talking to each other this past week. He could only hope that whatever she had brought wouldn't kill him.

His fears where alleviated, slightly, when he saw the brown paper bag containing a glass bottle that she held in one hand. She gave him a sheepish smile, "It's a peace offering."

"A peace offering?" he said, baffled, looking from the bottle to her as he let her into his apartment and guided her to the small dining table and they sat down.

"Well, not a peace offering, I suppose," she said as she placed the bottle on the table between them, "more of an apology for kicking you in the shin and calling you an infuriating bastard last week."

"I'd have thought if you were going to apologise for any of your," he cocked an eye brow at her, "colourful insults, the one about me being me a pathetic, evasive, self-serving, wanker is the more deserving."

"All right, " she said, but before she could get any further, he interrupted.

"Of course, you shouting that I'm more mouse than man was my particular favourite," he said with the beginning of a crass grin.

She let out an exasperated sigh, and he met her eye and grinned self-consciously, only too aware that in doing so he was letting her know that she was off the hook entirely. She smiled back and straightened up, adopting a look of entirely mock seriousness.

"I apologise for calling you a pathetic, self – "

"Evasive," he corrected. She glowered briefly at his correction, but he could tell she was desperately trying not to laugh.

"I apologise for calling you a pathetic, evasive, self-serving wanker, and an infuriating bastard, and shouting that you're more mouse than man."

"There's really no need," he said.

"Why not?"

He leant back further into his chair, surveying her and smiling slightly at the confused look on her face. "Well, for one thing, it's all true," he said. "I was being a pathetic, evasive, self-serving wanker, and probably an infuriating bastard to boot. I'm not sure it's fair to hold a grudge about things that are as obviously true as the fact that my eyes are blue."

"All right, then," she said, rolling her eyes at him, and then fixing him with a completely unnecessary look of contrition, "it's mostly an apology for kicking you in the shin."

She smiled brilliantly at him and, oddly, he found it more unnerving than if she'd glared. He looked away, his eyes flickering to the bottle of clear golden liquid and three limes now unveiled on the table. "What is it, anyway?" he asked, with not a little trepidation.


"Ah," he said. "How appropriate." An evil though forming in his mind.

"Is it? Why?"

"Well, it's the traditional apology gift of the Mexican people." He told her trying very hard to keep the grin from his face.

"Really?" she said, face lighting up.


Her face slackened into a disappointed pout and he couldn't resist letting out a chuckle, wondering why he never became tired of his newest game. He let out another chuckle as he realised she had been completely correct in calling him an 'infuriating bastard'. He had been playing this game since she had came back from the Ori galaxy, giving her some piece of Earth trivia, waiting for her face to light up and ask him if it was true and then tell her it wasn't.

Definitely an infuriating bastard.

"Are we going to have a drink then, or what?" she said, smiling at him to let him know that he was, as always, forgiven for his teasing. He considered it for a minute before leaning forward and clearing the reports from the table, although if someone had put a gun to his head and demanded to know what he was reading on pain of death, he wasn't certain he'd have been able to remember.

"I'm not sure that's a very good idea," he said.

"Why not?"

"Because, as you've so kindly pointed out on many occasions, I'm boring. Boring people don't drink tequila."

"They do if they want to convince other people that they were wrong."

"What?" he said, looking up, interest piqued. Vala's face was sporting a rather teasing smile.

"Think of this as an opportunity to convince me once and for all that you're not as boring as I think you are," she said.

He felt his lips twitch and give him away. He knew he should probably say no, but he knew just as certainly that he wasn't going to.

"Well, when you put it like that…" He went to the kitchen to get them a couple of shot glasses, if they were going to do this then they were going to do it right.


First shot.

Cam hadn't drunk tequila since his college days and even then it had been a rare occurrence. Although he, Sam, and Teal'c had taken Daniel out just after they had lost her to the Ori galaxy and the night had ended in shots. Well, what he could remember of it had.

Vala refilled their glasses. "Erm..." he said, not sure if he was putting up a token protest or a real one. She raised her glass to her lips.

"If you don't drink it, you have to do a forfeit and do what I say." she said.


"Drink or forfeit, those are your choices. I thought you understood the rules of the game," she said, lowering her glass again.

"To even have a chance of understanding the rules of the game princess I need to know that we're playing one," he said, raising an eyebrow at her.

She tutted at him. "All these years as a solider and you can't recognise a little drinking game when you see one?" she said. She studied him for a moment, eyes narrowed slightly. "Well, when one of us drinks, the other one drinks," she said adopting the same tone as someone would when talking to a five year old, "or you have to do a forfeit. First one under the table loses."

"Ah," he said.

She raised an eyebrow at him. " 'Ah' what?"

"I see."

"You see what?"

"This is how you ended up in Daniel's bed with no clothes on." He said, smirking as he reminded her of the rather embarrassing incident from a few months ago when she and Sam had gone out together and, on returning to the base, she had decided that Daniel's room, and bed, where far more appealing than her own and clothes weren't necessary. The following prank that Daniel had pulled on her in revenge had the whole base falling over in hysterics.

"No," she said tersely, and drank her shot. "That was vodka."

She looked from him to the small, golden liquid-filled glass on the table in front of him, not a small hint of challenge on her face. He eyed the glass too, knowing that if he drank this one he would have effectively accepted her challenge, and probably committed himself to half a bottle of tequila and a night with his head in the toilet.

All in the name of proving that he wasn't just a boring commanding officer, to someone whose opinion on his boringness really shouldn't matter to him in the slightest.

"What kind of forfeits are we talking about?" he said, leaning on his hand and rubbing his chin as he weighed up the situation he'd managed to get himself in.


"Well," he said, waving his hand over the glass in question, "if I'm going to make an informed decision about whether I want to drink this or not, I'd like to know what the alternative is."

"All right," she said. She thought about it for a moment, biting her lip a little as she did so. "Either you drink that or you answer a question truthfully, once and for all."

"And what question would that be?" he asked, even though he suspected he already knew the answer.

"Do you fancy me or not?" she said, a cheeky grin forming on her face. She had been teasing him about it for almost two months and what had started off as lighthearted banter had turned into a quest on her part since he resolutely refused to answer her one way or the other.

He gave her half a smile, and swallowed his drink.


Two shots

"Don't you think we should slow down?" he said, wiping his fingers on the knee of his trousers after Vala refilled their glasses and dribbled some on them.

"Do you?" she said.


"Well that's because you're the sensible one," she said.

"I suppose," he said, noting how weary his voice sounded, wondering why he minded the word 'sensible' so much when she said it.

"Don't you ever get tired of it?" she said.

"Of what?"

"Of always being so damned sensible, of always being in control and being right?"

"I'm not always right," he said, leaning forward in his chair. "Far from it."

"Give me an example," she said, "of when you've been wrong recently?"

"I've a feeling agreeing to this was very, very wrong," Cam muttered, and Vala grinned at him rather inexplicably.

"Actually," she said, "I think this is the most right thing you've done since we met."

He smiled back, wondering if she was right.


Three shots

"I daresay I'll regret this in the morning," Cam said, fingering the freshly re-filled glass in his hand accusingly.

"Sometimes, Cam," Vala said, leaning forward on the table and peering directly at him, "It's fun to do things you think you might regret in the morning."


Four shots

Cam was beginning to feel the effects. A kind of warm glow had settled in his stomach, and a fuzziness of thought ebbed through him.

"About these forfeits," he said, desperate for a distraction from the teasing look in her eyes. "Just for future reference, do they all have to be questions?"

"No," she said. "Dares would be perfectly acceptable."

"What kind of things are we talking about?"

"Well that would be up to the deviousness and discretion of the setter," she said, twitching her eyebrows at him, "which means that things don't look good for you."


Five shots

Part of Cam's brain knew that no good would come of this. Unfortunately, a rather different part appeared to be in charge and it enjoyed Vala' company, liked teasing her, and enjoyed the way she teased him back in a way he often thought was tinged with flirtation. Even though the rest of his brain told that part that it had an overactive imagination, it didn't want to listen and was providing increasingly vociferous opposition the more he drank.

"Will you be disappointed when I out-drink you and you don't get to have your fun with me?" he said.

"What?" Vala said, looking up from the fingernail she'd been picking at with an expression of surprise.

"Well you've obviously got a major forfeit already planned," he said, slouching a little further down in his seat, "I'm a little intrigued to see what you've come up with. You've had awhile to plot, after all."

"Yes," she said looking rather pleased with herself. "I have."

"So what is it?"

"Oh it's good," she said, grinning and then chuckling quietly to herself.

"Aren't you worried," he said, raising an eyebrow at her, "that I could come up with something fairly devious myself?"

She scoffed. "As if," she said.

"I'm offended," he said, leaning forward to rest his elbow on the table and his chin on the heel of his hand. "I assumed my reputation had preceded me. Apparently not."

"Reputation?" she said. "What reputation?"

"Never mind," he said, and then on impulse, added "maybe I'll show you later."

She looked vaguely intrigued for a minute, but then shook her head and the expression disappeared. "I think I'll take my chances," she said, rather too dismissively for his liking. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"You know, the more you scoff the more devious I'll be."

"I'm pretty confident in my hollow-legged abilities," she said.

Cam took a long breath in, trying to quash his amusement as he remembered her behaviour the last time she had been drinking. "I'm no lightweight myself, I can handle my alcohol" he said. He delivered the line matter-of-factly, even though he could feel the effects seeping into his brain and wasn't sure he'd said the word 'alcohol' correctly.

"But there are exceptions," she said, grinning.

"Yeah," he said, staring ruefully at the table. "I've found that."

"And tequila," she said, "being a Earth contraption,"

"Concoction," he corrected, laughing. Vala peered at him from beneath a puzzled frown.

"What did I say?"


She frowned a little deeper, swaying slightly in her seat and pouting in consternation with herself. "You're adorable when you're drunk," he said, and then joined in with a frown of his own when he realised he'd said it out loud. Vala grinned.

"I'm adorable all the time, you just haven't noticed," she said. Cam opened his mouth to protest, but she cut him off. "Anyway," she said. "Where was I?"

"No idea," he said, shaking his head and chuckling to himself.


Six shots

"So what happened the last time you had Tequila?" she said.

"I'd rather not talk about it," he said.

"Oh come on," she said. "Don't be such a stick-in-the-mud."


Cam Seven - Vala Six

"The last time, there may have been dancing," he said. "And some slight stripping."

"You?" she said, eyes wide.



"Slight stripping."

"Slight?" she said. "How do you strip slightly?"

He pointed at her untouched drink on the table, and she lifted it to her lips and drank it down. "Someone stopped me before I got too far," he said. "If you want the full story you'll have to ask Teal'c," he said, wincing at the images that danced through his mind. "My memory of the details is a little vague."

"Don't think I won't," she said, with a mischievous glint in her eye. "You don't suppose he thought to take any photos?"

Cam distracted himself by pouring them both another drink.


Eight shots

Vala leaned forward, resting her head on both of her hands and drumming her fingers on her cheeks. She grinned at him, biting her lip at whatever thought she was having. "How much do I have to make you drink to get you to take your clothes off?" she said, twitching her eyebrows at him suggestively. Cam shot her a warning glare that he was pretty certain had no effect whatsoever. "Twice what you've had now?" she said, eying the bottle with consideration.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Just asking," she said, a slow smile of rather false innocence drawing its way across her mouth.

"You want me to take my clothes off?" he asked cautiously.

"Not necessarily," she said. "I might just have been asking for a general gauge of how much fun you're going to be."


She leant back and stretched, wiggling her shoulders around in their sockets before settling. "I'm going to take your 'oh', which I felt was ever so slightly tinged with disappointment, as a sign that you want me to want you to take your clothes off, though," she said, leaning forward and grinning at him impishly. "Just so you know."


Nine shots: for Cam, one for medicinal, shock-relieving, purposes.

"Daniel didn't even think about taking advantage of me when I came back to base sloshed." Vala said.

Cam grinned, "Are you going to extend me the same courtesy princess?"

"Probably not."


Ten shots: for Cam, two for medicinal, shock-relieving, purposes.

"I know what we need." Vala grabbed the bag the bottle had been in and disappeared into the kitchen. A few moments later, after much banging of cupboards, Vala returned to the table with a salt shaker and several limes cut into wedges.

"Oh no," He told her, knowing exactly what she was suggesting.

"Just do it," she said, voice equal parts irritation and encouragement. He stared at her. "If you don't then I'll do it for you."

"Promises, promises," he said, without really thinking.

Vala gave him a wicked grin. She leaned over the table, exposing enough cleavage that Cam blushed, reached for his hand and raised it to her lips, her eyes never wavering from his. She lowered the tip of her tongue onto the back of his hand, licking it once, lightly. She shook the salt shaker over his hand, and then set it back on the table before sitting back in her chair. She considered him for a moment; one eyebrow raised in triumph and the barest hint of a smirk on her lips, before she grabbed one of the lime slices and threw it over to him.


Eleven shots: one with lime and salt addition

"I take it this isn't a game you learned to play on Earth" he said, when he'd recovered from the shock of biting into the lime.

"Oh no," she said. "Learned to do this in a bar with my... third husband, although he wasn't my husband until the morning after. Except we used play another version where we'd put the salt – " Vala paused, sniggered at either the rather horrified expression he was pulling or the memory, and then shrugged. " – well, other places And it obviously wasn't with Tequila."

"If I beg, do you promise not to go into more detail?" he said. Vala gazed at him, her lips pursed and switching from side to side as she took him in.

"Hmm," she said.

"Hmm what?"

"Well, either you're jealous," Cam shifted in his seat a little as the weight of her stare seemed to increase his body temperature. "Or you really don't like me talking about that kind of thing."

"It's definitely the second option," he said.

Then he completely undid his words by laughing.


Twelve shots: for Cam, one more pleasant than the other owing to a slight confusion with the sequencing.

Cam screwed his eyes shut in a tight grimace. It wasn't nearly as pleasant with the salt last and the lemon first as the other way round.

He rested his elbow on the table again and leaned on it heavily, propping his head up with his hand. He spent a few moments contemplating how close his face seemed to be to the table, and then another couple contemplating saying something very, very stupid. "All right," he said. "I'm drunk enough."

Vala looked at him with glassy incomprehension and he realised that he'd had most of the significant part of this conversation in his own head. "To make up for being a wanker last week," he said, "I thought you could ask me something. Anything."

Vala narrowed her eyes at him slightly, considering him, scrutinising, he thought. "And you won't be an evasive infuriating bastard?"

He chuckled, tracing a pattern on the carpet with his bare foot. "I shall try my very best."

Vala sought his eyes and held his gaze as he looked up. "You know what I'm going to ask," she said.

"Oh, you're not going to ask that," he said, looking away again.

"I'm not?"

"No," he said. "Because the more you persist in wanting to know the answer, the more I think I was right all along about why you want to know, and we both know that you don't want me to think that."


Thirteen shots: three with lime and salt additions.

"You know what I hate about you?" Vala said, into her lemon as she bit it, shaking her head a little at the taste.

"Aren't there a great many things?" he asked.

She let out a frustrated huff, tossing the remains of her slightly chewed lemon wedge at him. He ducked, laughing, even though her aim was off and it wouldn't have hit him anyway. It landed with a vague splat on the floor behind him. "Talking to you is like playing chess," she said, letting out a long exasperated, yet resigned, sigh.

Cam let out a confused chuckle, unable to decide whether that was the thing she hated about him or just an aside. "How so?"

"Well, it's like you're always thinking six moves ahead."

"Am I?"

"I don't see how else you can be doing it," she said.

"Doing what?"

"Doing what you just did," she said, gesturing at him with a wave of irritation. Cam propped his head up with his hand and gazed at her, unable to fully process any particularly cohesive thoughts. Vala narrowed her eyes at him. "But you know what I've noticed?" she said. He shook his head. "You only do it to me," she said, poking the table for emphasis, and then shaking her hand as if she'd poked a little bit harder than anticipated.

Cam's elbow slipped and his face was suddenly closer than before to the table. "Do I?" he said, sitting up, attempting to regain his poise.

"Yes," she said. "And I want to know why."

"Maybe I'm just an ass?"

"You're not," she said fervently, shaking her head to accentuate the point.

He considered his options for a moment. "Maybe I just don't like you very much," he said. He expected her to fly into some kind of rage, but she didn't. She just met his eye, smiling a little.

"We both know that's not true," she said.

He knew she'd rather effectively backed him into a corner and for a second he tried to come up with some lie, some witty retort, to get out of it, but he found he couldn't really be bothered.

Cam peered at her through unfocused eyes. "Maybe," he said, "the only reason I do it to you is because I know that the only reason you're even a little bit interested is that you can't quite figure me out."

A proverb about loose lips and ships sailed through his mind, and he wondered if he hadn't just said far, far too much.


Minutes passed in uncomfortable silence: six and a bit.

"Do you really think that?"

"Well," he said, "I've looked at it from a number of angles, and can't think of anything else."


More minutes passed in uncomfortable silence: two and three quarters.

"You think too much," Vala said.

"Did you ever consider," he said, "it's not me who thinks too much, but you who thinks too little?"

"No," she said, the word distinctly slurred. She swayed a little in her seat, pointing at him with her empty shot glass. "It's definitely you."

He laughed.

Vala slumped so far down in her chair that only her shoulders and head were visible above the table, and he wondered if she might slide off it entirely. "Do you ever have fun?" she asked, head lolling slightly to one side. He wasn't surprised by her sudden change of topic but he was too relieved that they weren't talking about what they had been talking about to comment.

"Of course I do."

"Fun not involving going through the gate?"

He glared at her playfully, even though he was desperately battling a grin. "I'm having fun now, actually," he said.

"Really?" she said, her face lighting up. Then she drew her forehead slowly into a frown, held up her hand to stop him replying and shook her head. "No, wait, don't answer that."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want you to do the thing you do – which is dead annoying, by the way – where you say something, and I say 'Really?' and then you say 'No'."

Cam fixed his eyes on the table, tracing the pattern of the grain with his eyes. "I wasn't going to say no," he said quietly.



Further minutes passed in uncomfortable silence: four and a half.

"You know it's all bollocks, don't you?" Vala said.

"What?" he said, looking up a little startled. "What is?"

"That the only reason I'm interested is because I can't figure you out."

Cam made a noise of disbelief somewhere in the back of his throat, raising his eyebrows at her as best he could with his drunken facial muscles.

"Because, Colonel," she continued, "I know you think you're some big mysterious enigma, but I can figure you out, and I have."

"Really?" he said, rubbing his forehead and slumping down onto his hand.

"Yes. You're not nearly half as complicated as you think you are."

"You think not?"


"No you don't think so or no you do?"

Her eyebrows darted together and lowered, and she looked at him open-mouthed for a moment. "What?" she said, tilting her head to one side in confusion.

"Nothing," he said, laughing slightly to himself at the look of utter befuddlement on her face. "Never mind. What have you figured out, then?" he said.

"Lots of things," she said, waving his question away. "I've figured out that if I got up and came round to your side of the table you'd completely freak out because you'd think I was going to try and kiss you. That's why I'm sitting over here. And I've figured out that the reason you won't say whether you fancy me or not is that you do, you just think you're not supposed to or that I wouldn't want you to, or something."

Cam covered his mouth with his hand, smiling into his fingers and breathing heavily against his knuckles. "Very perceptive," he said. "But no."

Vala' face fell, her forehead creased. "No what?" she said in a voice that was little more than a whisper.

"No I didn't know it was all crap."

Vala' lips curved into a rather enchanting smile that slowly spread up her face until it reached her eyes and then she laughed softly. "Well now you do," she said.

"Yes," he said, quietly, closing his eyes briefly and offering her a small nod. "Now I do."

She was quiet for a minute, and then she leaned back in her chair and looked right at him. "Can I ask you another question?" she said.

"Go on," he said, resisting the pedantic impulse to point out that she just had.

"And do you promise not to be all evasive and infuriating about it?"

"I'll try," he said, "although old habits die hard."

She let out a soft breath of laughter. "What are you going to do about it?" she said.

Cam paused, wondering what indeed he was going to do with the new information he had acquired. His eyes drifted over the remaining lime and salt on the table.

He fixed his gaze on hers, and said "Lets play the other game."