My crack-ish take on a 'Gin and Rangiku Have a Baby' scenario. Thank you for reading. Reviews are loved.

Fourth Division's Pregnancy and Child Rearing Guide for the Unwed Shinigami Mother

By eleven-thirty in the morning, Gin Ichimaru, Third Division Captain, had already completed his paperwork, sent Izuru scurrying on some amusing and completely unnecessary mission, given Shinsō a good rub down, taken a morning stroll, plotted the destruction of Soul Society over tea with Sōsuke Aizen, and carefully organized his ink brushes from fullest to finest.

There was still an hour to kill before lunch.

Gin eviscerated a few stray pigeons, took two more strolls, exchanged pleasantries and sake with the Captain of the Eighth Division, inspected security perimeters along the eastern Seireimon, and turned over a row of persimmons drying on the racks outside his office.

His mind wandering, and during the reorganization of his ink brushes according to date of acquisition, it occurred to Gin that it might be time to have a baby.

The thought surprised him, as Gin Ichimaru generally disliked children, especially babies. Babies were small, noisy, and spent most of their time being angry and unhappy.

In short, babies were exactly like Tōshirō Hitsugaya. (But smaller.)

Gin frowned and scratched his head thoughtfully.

On the other hand, if he could come up with five decent ("good" was a very high standard) reasons to do anything, Gin generally did it. He left a winded, just-returned Izuru in charge of the division and stepped out to mull the matter over during a fourth stroll. By the time he'd reached the Fifth Division training yards, Gin had come up with five very decent reasons why he should have a baby:

1. He was completely, utterly, bored this morning.

2. He and Rangiku Matsumoto had played house a few times as children, and that had been fun.

3. Making the baby would be quite fun.

4. He suspected the news that Gin Ichimaru was having a baby might secretly piss off Byakuya Kuchiki, who had so obviously wanted an heir and whose late, beloved, droopy wife had so obviously been incapable. (Really, the air of suffering and penitence that had enveloped Hisana Kuchiki was so exhausting Gin considered it a mercy and relief to everyone when the poor thing finally drooped for good.)

5. A mini Gin (the baby would be a boy, he decided firmly) would be nice for Rangiku to have around once the original version wasn't.

6. And finally (six decent reasons!), Aizen-taicho estimated that the plans for the betrayal and overthrow of Soul Society were at least ten months from fruition, so Gin would still have plenty of time to help Rangiku and be a positive influence in a child's life.

It was resolved: Gin Ichimaru would be having a baby.

Delighted with his new course of action, he turned toward the Tenth Division's barracks.

* * *

Rangiku Matsumoto was in an irritable and indolent mood, due either to her mild hangover, or the multiple teetering stacks of paperwork pushed precariously to the edge of her desk. A single, very complex and small printed official form was directly before her. Above it, she studiously inspected her hair for split ends.

"Rangiku-chan..." Gin lilted, slipping into Tenth Division's office with both hands hidden theatrically behind his back. "Break time!"

With a flourish, he presented a jug of sake, a bulging paper sack, and a discounted bouquet of daffodils.

"Bean paste buns!" Rangiku cried, seizing the sack and knocking several stacks of paper off the desk.

"That's right," Gin confirmed cheerfully. He produced a small cup from his sleeve and filled it.

"Mmm, delicious," she declared with a mouth full of sticky dough and paste. Gin smiled proudly.

"So," Rangiku said, licking the last of the powdered sugar from her fingers, "What exactly do you want, Gin?" She lifted the cup to her lips.

"What do you say we have a baby?"

Rangiku choked, spat her drink out, and began to cough. Gin thumped her urgently on the back. She waved him off with one arm, dropped her head into the crook of the other, and laughed until she wheezed.

"That was a good one," she finally managed, looking regretfully at the empty cup and reaching for the jug.

"I'm very serious, Rangiku."




Gin Ichimaru beamed his most wholesome, winsome, widest smile.


"Absolutely not."

"Why not?" he pressed.

"I'd get fat."

"But only for a little while! Then the baby comes out, and you get thin again," said Gin, demonstrating with his hands.

"You'd make a horrible father."

"How could you—"

"You disappear without warning."

"I promise I will never, ever disappear again," Gin vowed solemnly.

Rangiku's right eyebrow raised. Gin knew he was treading on thin ice.

"Do it for me?" he pleaded. The right eyebrow lowered. Very thin ice.

Rangiku flicked her strawberry blonde hair off her shoulder and reached for another bun. Gin sensed that his dismissal was imminent. Clearly, a different approach was needed. Gin Ichimaru was clever, quick-thinking, resourceful. One didn't become Number Two Man to Sōsuke Aizen simply by being a triple-cross backstabbing bastard willing to murder a few hundred innocent souls.

He slid around her desk, cautiously leaned behind her and whispered:

"Your boobs get bigger when you're pregnant."

Rangiku froze mid-bite.


"It's true. Two, three, maybe even four times bigger."

"Are you sure?" she asked, eying him suspiciously.

"You can trust me completely," said Gin, nibbling along her ear.

* * *

To be continued...