To my dearest, dearest readers,
Okay, yeah! It's done! DONE! DONE! YES! Can you believe this?! NINE YEARS! Oh my Buda….
So, now that we've had our wonderful (hopefully) ending to this adventure, it's time for me to lay down some of my thought process when going into, and developing this story. There are a few details, sort of Easter eggs that I want to lay on ya, if you have the time and patience to sit and read this. If you discover more Easter eggs and leave them in the review section, you get a cybernetic bottle of vodka, courtesy of Dmitri!
If you're wondering just what the hell you're reading right now and why, then, THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR BEING A PART OF THIS, HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE READ, AND HAVE A GREAT DAY! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You Are Awesome! YEAAAAAAAAAH!
Now. Warning! Lots of rambling, and lots of cursing coming your way!
I do have special shout outs: First and foremost, obviously to each and every one of you who has favored, followed and read this. I mean, holy fuck it's a loooooooooooooong fucking story, ya know?! I do tend to write word walls, 'cause I'm a rambler. If you're reading this, you know this by now anyway. SO. THANK. YOU.
You are wonderful, whoever you are behind that computer screen, and I dare to hope that this bunch of rambles with plenty of grammatical errors, misspelling, continued uses of the same words and all that has entertained you in some way or the other. I hope you've taken, in some form, comfort in the message of Scar Tissue: No matter how deep down the rabbit hole you've gone, you can always climb back up. You can always be better than yourself; you can always strive for inner peace, and happiness. You can always be kind to the person next to you, even at personal cost. So do that, live fully and enjoy this limited time we've been given. And again, thank you so much for your support.
Now, to the specifics: If you liked this story, then thank Starfire99. That person… seriously kept this alive for ten fucking years. Thank you, my dear friend! THANKS SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING!Keyblade-03, thank you!Dennisud, thanks so much for the support!The Inmortal Firo, you are awesome!SithKnight, what consistency! Thanks!JDH1080, thank you thank you! marduk-report, you are a beautiful soul! Be yourself! chaplain4 hey! Thanks bud!LSS" Gohan, how was that fight? Sperance! Your writing power was recieved and well used! canuck101, thanks so much for the continued support!EVA 02, how was that?! Thanks! Hopeless Romanticist, much love! SpiritCrusher! Did you know that was the first Death song I heard?! The Wise Duck, gimme a hug!
Timeskipper, you mad person! Thank you! RedDestroyer, keep writing, and thank you so much! Dratkins! Yo, great foresight and analysis, and thanks soo much! I hope you find the answers to your lasts concerns here in this letter. ZayneLvLz, your constructive criticism gives me LIFE! Thank you so much! Panther… if you're reading this… damn, thanks for reading my stuff! Really! Cibolm, come here! Gimme a nice cyber hug! Riset36! I just can't not laugh when I see your profile pic and read your review! Holy shit that inspired me, really, thanks! And thanks for the laughs! AnonReviewer! HEY! THANK YOU! All of you who signed up as guests and gave me encouragement, thank you so much! Seeking PH, duuuude, thanks! Jtdarkman, heeeeeeey you! Thanks, you amazing person! The Cruel! Thank you!
if i could name you all I would, but everyone who ever dropped a reviev... Thank you. Really, thanks. Hope you enjoyed it.
This will be my final ramble for Scar Tissue, so feel free to jump to the review section! Love to all of you, ALL of you! YEEEAAAAAAAAAH!
Okay, so. Stuff, and Easter Eggs.
Why Unit 02?: For ironic reasons, the best reasons, I devoted a lot of this story to Asuka. However, Shinji's wish for Asuka to be happy is what moved most of the development; Shinji knows better than anyone how much of Asuka's identity was in piloting. He unconsciously wished for her to receive said recognition fully, purely, and for her to go over that stage of her life, even if it meant that she'd choose the EVA over him. So, Shinji basically gave Unit 02 ungodly power and helped it return. As for Unit 01, in my humble opinion it's had its screen shining time and I cannot compete with that, it takes the whole scenery, the whole story; Unit 01. So I cut it off, 'cause this was above all, an Asu-Shin tale that manifested in my brain.
Also, we need some character development. I need it, you guys deserve it, Asuka deserves it. In order for her to truly become her own person, one whos not hanging by the frail thread of a status as a certain type of soldier, we had to let her have a proper environment in which to separate herself from this persona. She thought, and we see this quite clearly on the series, that she had no worth whatsoever as a human being without her being a pilot. So she needed to accept herself, ugliness and domination desire and rage included, in order to develop a proper personality and part with a massive ego which was only holdng her back.
The whole 'Dmitri the good guy' thing: Yeah, I'd figure that with one active Evangelion left, SEELE would spare no expense in trying to retrieve it; there was talk of economical embargo, for example, blockage and civil war to make the Japanese government surrender Unit 02. With or without Dmitri, they would have invaded, with our without him. Regardless of S's backup plan or not, SEELE would have invaded Tokyo and tried to level it with N2 Mines, they did so before! Asuka and Shinji would have had to protect the city one way or the other, even go as far as killing poeple, something would undoubtly drive our Shin-chan to a maddened depression.
Another thing, with our without Unit 02, SEELE would have hunted the children. These are all-powerful men, mind you, the 0.00001%, the absolute rulers of the world, they even set up Japanese to kill Japanese before Third Impact, shifting all the blame on NERV! They would have wanted Shinji, Asuka, Misato, everyone dead on the spot! Remember, Dmitri is insane, he dreamt for years of fighting Shinji, he loves to kill people, powerful people. Ritsuko has power, so has Misato; one little misdirection in this assassin targeting system and the whole crew dies horribly, this, mind you, in a scenario where Unit 02 doesn't even exist!
Dmitri just… does things… kinda like me when writing this. S offered him a chance to kill his makers, a chance of revenge, and he took it; that and the ambition to fight Shinji are what drive all his actions in this story. He wants everything to burn, he wants to kill and fight and die, and get his revenge, which he does get. With our without this mary (t) Sue, SEELE, or what remained of it, or a terrorist organization, or some random fucker with a gun... there's always a sourpuss out there. So in order to...ahem... take care of these sourpusses with extreme prejudice, we have Dmitri, and Misato, and S.
Anyway, why Sohryu? I'd figure ten years trapped in a machine-like demi god that works on super computers would give Kyoko plenty of time to dig up every little dirty detail about every little dirty politician, military official or higher up of any sort. She has had years and years to plan her vengeance in silence, and what better way to kill your enemy and enact your revenge than to lure him into a false sense of security, and kill him with the very weapon he sought to kill you with? Poetic! Is she a major bitch who sat around in front of a computer while her daughter went insane? Yup. Did she do nothing when Dmitri thought it a good idea to put a bullet in her liver? Yes. Did she hire Dmitri to kill SEELE for her in horrible, unspeakable ways? Oh, yeah. Is she insane?! Pretty much, let's see anyone try to have their sou ripped out their bodies, be trapped for ages in a tin can and then be pushed back into a brand new body. Fucked up. All because of what? The scenario! Kinda like Gendou, you know, everything for the scenario; ensure the survival of the children... to whatever end.
Hopefully this makes sense, who knows. You know. Let me know if this makes absolutely no sense.
Shinji and wolves. Many times, too many one might say, I compare Shinji's behavior to that of a wild wolf. Why a wolf? After a deep analysis of the character's pshyche, and what might have occurred to him after Third Impact, I set on the wolf, 'cause Shinji doesn't strike me as the reptilian type. You know, we all have a little reptilian in us if you listen to Freud, Shinji though… kind of a mammal, a social one. A pack animal, a social animal, deprived of its social experience. Dangerous shite. An asocial social animal is definitely not something you want to mess with.
After a terrible event such as war, the mind recoils in horror, quite literally, and basic instincts such as to seek for shelter, food, and the defense of those two come highly into play. After what Shinji went through in the series and movie, and after that nefarious last scene, I couldn't help but notice Shinji's detached gaze. Like, he wasn't there, he was disconnected.
The shock of everything that had happened was still sinking in, he was utterly an completely broken. To add insult to injury, in my story he wandered through the rubbles of the city for days, daaaaays, completely alone, without the slightest sound of life around him, not even a fucking bird chirping! That, alone, will drive you insane. Trust me, TRUST ME.
But then, Asuka comes back, and the broken pieces of his mind start to notice other things beside the need for food or shelter, the constant screaming in his head, and the visions. He breaks out of the shock and realizes the impossible; this person who he had wronged sooooo much, this person who in the end was the only one he could identify with in ANY level, this person who was DEAD, who he both hated and felt drawn to, was ALIVE. She was back. That meant Third Impact happened, that meant he let her die, that meant he masturbated over her comatose body, and STILL, somehow, the universe grants him a chance to see this person again.
Anyone who has lost anything or anyone of value can attest to this. It fucking hurts, it hurts like hell and it burns and it is indescribable, this feeling that comes when someone close to you dies. That person whose hand you shook days before, that person who you wronged, that person who was breathing, suddenly, poof! Gone! Death is terrifying like that, and it leaves an emptiness that is seldom filled again. You can NEVER talk to this person again, you can't right your wrongs against this person. But then for Shinji, those people come back. He is granted this chance. On a subconscious level, after having lost everything, he will cling to this new circle with all his might, and defend it to the death. A loyalty so pure, so strong it is almost biological. The bond with his pack.
Then there is the savagery of wolves. I've always read this in both books and the internet; you don't see wolves in the circus. That means, these wild canines are basically untamable. Sure, there's lots of projects and documentaries on people raising entire wolf packs, but they do so from the cradle, and are never really safe, at any moment their beloved pack may decide to change Alpha and eat them. You take a wild wolf and try to break him, and he'll just sit tight and wait for the chance to eat your face. I like this idea of an untamable side to humanity, I've always fiddled with the concept of a dark side to every person, no matter how "good".
How does this apply to Shinji? Let's go back to his fight with the Fourth. Just… just watch the guy's eyes as he plunges that prog knife in the Angel's core. It's perfect animation on one hand, amaaazing manga drawing, masterfully done, and on the other, a terrifying implication that our (until that point of the series) otherwise harmless, spineless Baka Shinji has a very nasty dark side to him. I mean, wouldn't you be angry at your father for putting you through something like that? Wouldn't you be enraged at your mother for dying, for leaving you? Wouldn't you be desperate for human affection, but so alienated to it all that you could just not express, nor process your anger? This one scene to me is the obvious evidence that yes, Shinji is incredibly unstable and broken, he does harbor unfathomable anger in his heart and is thoroughly unable to process, channel, or express it. Remember that scene in EoE? Yeah, there ya go.
Wolves are always related to loyalty in some way. Dogs, too, of course, but where did this pack mentality come from? Wolves. I own dogs, always have, and I understand pack mentality, how works, who's the Alpha, the Beta, and so on. A primal bond like this one is what you could expect builds up after a traumatizing event like Third Impact. In my opinion, anyway. I also happen to really like wolves, so there ya go. The primal side of Shinji sees Asuka and screams "mate." He sees Misato, or Rei, and his mind screams "Pack. Protect." He sees threats to his pack, and his mind growls. "Rip out. Devour. Kill."
Anyway, I close this particular detail with one of my absolute favorite stories and lines in existence:
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.
"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Never not listen to your emotions, children. Easter Egg number two, the BEAST! The result of all of this, all of Shinji's trauma, is the Beast. Clearly and obviously inspired in Guts' Beast of Darkness (Berserk, best manga EVER), and later developed into a messed up Kurama-Naruto type of relationship, the Beast is Shinji's self-hatred, anger, fear, lust… all in all, all the negative emotions he's unfamiliar with and thus buries deep inside. A hungry wolf, waiting to be unchained. Still unconvinced of Shinji's Berserker mode? I just don't buy the whole "Yui was handling everything". Really, Yui? Really? Yui, a scientist with zero training combat that we know of?
Yeah, l don't see Yui crawling in all fours and devouring an angel from head to toe. Look at the Third Angel's attack, for example. You'd expect Yui to have some sort of basic knowledge about Angels, so when Unit 01 charges and crashes against the AT-Field, shouldn't the AT-Field already have been destroyed, or maybe… I don't know couldn't she have thrown an AT-Blast at the thing? Nope, Unit 01 literally opens up a doorway and starts wailing on the Angel like a mad beast. No control, no technique whatsoever in the assault, just bestial violence. Human-like bestial violence. A child's tantrum. Now you're getting it! So yeah, fuck Yui. And don't make Shinji angry, he will fuck you up.
But, this also applies to Asuka, to Rei, and Misato of course. The press conference; we see that Rei just relentlessly wants to make Asuka angry. She wants to, knowing Shinji's right there, feeling horrible and shitty, she wants to attack her enemy and defend her family, she wants justice. Rei just doesn't know how to convey those emotions, never had to, never had them. So, things just bubble out without her control because she has NO control. She has no filter, so the emotions just bolt out and force her to do things her logical mind would never agree to. Jealousy, anger and hate, do not ignore these emotions, not once in your life. Analyze them, channel them, use them, and burn them.
Then Asuka; If you look carefully, there was always that little voice in Asuka's head telling her to STOP. She didn't listen, she was angry, and why was she angry? Well, let's try to summarize this: Her mom's soul, whose body she found dangling from a rope was in Unit 02, which was torn to pieces. She finally shone as the top, number one pilot in NERV, and was torn to pieces. Her pride was broken waaaay back in the series, beginning with Shinji beating her sych rate. She knew Shinji had been the one to un-alive humanity, and there he is, looking at you from across a fire with a deranged look in his eyes, offering you noodles. Yickes. So, she let her anger take the wheel, why not? Anger had helped her survive until that point; why not listen to it, right? Wrong. If you just keep getting more and more violent, sooner or later you lose control.
So, no control. Asuka had no coach, no Misato, no nobody to pry her off Shinji. You ever seen how bullies work? If you don't halt them, they'll just keep escalating their actions trying to get a rise out of you. That's the bully mentality; if you react, you lose. So Asuka got incredibly, unreasonably frustrated with Shinji's mental instability and overall wimpy behavior. A traumatized person is not some brave badass who'll just shrug off Third Impact of all things and ride off into the sunset with his love interest, what the fuck?! No, he'll be broken, shattered really, torn between endless guilt, insomnia, exhaustion, more guilt, self-disgust, and helplessness. It takes roughly two weeks to overcome the shock of any traumatizing event. Two weeks people, to just go over the shock. What if Shinji was alone those two weeks? Scary shit, right? Yeah.
So Asuka never heard her common sense. Why would she, what in the fuck?! She's fourteen, damn it! Fifteen… you get the point. No matter how much of a genius she is, she's a child! A broken, angry child who suddenly got what she thought to be the reason of all her pain handed to her in the form of Ikari Shinji. Never not listen, children. Always listen, 'cause if you don't, you'll go so deep into the rabbit hole that you'll even give yourselves excuses to rape someone. You think I'm shitting you? Try. Me.
Beastie Beastie. Berserker much? And of course! The Beast state of Shinji is roughly drawn up from the Berserker Armor. This gadget engulfs you and destroys your limiter. What's your limiter? Well the human body's capable of some incredible stuff, one of them is the so called 'hysterical strength', you know when a woman lifts a car to save her child. We're able to break our limiter in situations of extreme stress, and it always has a backlash on our body, hence said limiter.
The Berserker Armor unleashes your inner most intense feelings of wrath, materializes it into a shape and engulfs you, you feel no pain, you can use your hysterical strength to your leisure because the armor literally pierces through your skin to keep your body from collapsing from its many wounds. This is what happens when Shinji fights Dmitri, Shinji uses this hysterical strength, consistently, to endure the damage and like the Berserk Armor, the power he draws from Unit 02's core keeps his body together. Of course, in the EVA's case this actually a power boost and your tissue is actually being regenerated instead of just being pierced by metal.
Similarly to Guts from Berserk (the BEST character fucking EVER), Shinji used the pain to not fall into the abyss of Unit 02's power and trigger Fourth Impact, he actively, and consciously, chooses to not let 2.0 numb out his body, just so he can keep barely enough control of his emotions to stay conscious. In the end, we see Shinji go completely bestial, with little to no strength left in him, and that is the complete Beast Mode, basically. Shinji is in no way saved from the pain of every injury, but strives despite it, and used this 'hysterical strength state' as long as he can, until it almost consumes him completely.
Zero Man Points for Shinji: I've read hundreds, well maybe not so many, but a few dozen stories that start with "Shinji finds his balls, "Shinji grows a spine" and so on and so forth. I DON'T like OCC, don't like it, DON'T LIKE IT. A fanfiction story should be a tribute to the original, if your characters feel out of place, acting beyond their current maturity level in whichever storyline they came from, then, well, boom. You fucked it up for my reading experience. OOC is serious, serious business for me. Sure, my characters curse a lot… that's kinda OOC, but man, not nearly as bad enough as changing the guy's entire canon behavioral pattern!
SO! Take a nice, long look at the image I have as screensaver for ST. That, that, is what we're dealing with in this story, that Shinji. How'd you feel if you never had anything? No close contacts or bonds with any human being? Nothing. Then, you gain some friends! You gain companions! You find purpose! And all of that gets take away from you. All of it. Then the last person you have left dies horribly, in front of you. Then you kill mankind. And then, you come back to Earth.
Watch the end of EoE, that look on Shinji's face when he turns to stare at Asuka. Those are not healthy eyes, man. That kid is broken beyond repair, totally and completely broken. I don't know if you've ever met anyone with a deep, powerful neurosis and very, very scary trauma. They look at nothing, they appear to just not be there, almost as though they're brain dead. It's not that they don't think, quite the opposite really, they're thinking too much! Their minds just do not stop, there's no limiter, no off-button. Their thoughts, and sometimes even visions, torment them constantly.
It's a horrible thing, to be trapped in your own mind. Well, back to the topic at hand. Of course, god damn it, of course Shinji would have NO spine at all after Third Impact! What the fuck?! The kid just un-alived the entirety of the human race, it all went through him like he was a fucking doorway, and he made a conscious decision to kill everybody! Imagine the guilt as those people start to show up, the pain when you look into someone's eyes and their inner, most private thoughts are there in your brain to browse. Most of them hate you, they spit at your feet, in your face, they insult you, demean you. They tell you you're a murderer, and why shouldn't they, really?
You killed them, you fucked up their lives, you gave up! (This is all Shinji's mindset, mind you). The only person who you can remotely relate to… she says the same things to you on a daily basis. Would you get angry? Well fucking of course I would, but… Shinji doesn't know how to process anger. So he just fumes, he steams, he swallows it, he keeps going, keeps feeding the beast more and more, feeding this schizophrenic side of him he doesn't fully grasp exists. He has a mission; Asuka must stay alive. She wants to hit him? Let her. She wants to fuck him? Let her. She wants to break his ribs? Let her. She wants to demean him on a daily basis? Fuck it, let her. 'Cause! If you don't, she'll leave. She'll die, again. And you know this; you have to keep her safe, even when she doesn't realize it. So, back to the picture, the one on the screensaver. Look at it. Tell me if that Shinji would honestly go and act all Alpha Male and be like "Asuka, I will heal you, my dearest! Hold my beer while the manliest chest hairs grow on me and my white stallions carries us both to the sunset! Allow me to professionally help you with your issues!"
Nope, just…no. NO! What the fuck?! No, he won't, he'll be an ever poorer version of his former self! Remember those brief, but funny moments in both the series and manga in which Asuka and Shinji bicker? Notice how as time progresses, these events slowly disappear until they just vanish completely after the famous 'kiss'' That's Shinji's mind breaking, that's his non-existent self-esteem being corroded, that's him completely and totally fucking lost in a sea of people he doesn't know, and in the middle of a situation predesigned to fuck with his head and soul.
So yeah. No Man Points for Shinji. That's why he had to go through about ten chapters before he started to come off it. I thought roughly nine or ten months would be the appropriate time for his mind to digest the events of Third Impact. And hey, he does grow a spine, just not an OOC one. Hopefully, fuck it, you be the judge. Much love.
Left hand, Right hand. You've notices how I always specify this. To me, it's important! All throughout the series, we see Shinji clench and unclench his left hand. Trying to choke someone, Shinji, dear? Hell yeah, he's thinking about it at least, subconsciously. I don't know, to me as a fighter it is super important when fighting my opponent, whether he's right or left handed. I like the specification, because I find it essential to the understanding of any one person. Asuka's right handed, Shinji's a leftie. The fact that these elements play suuuper well with the story is a happy coincidence.
Rape as Drama?! Just so we're crystal fucking clear on this, I do NOT condone rape. I do NOT condone abuse. It's not an "appealing plot point" for me, fuck, it just came at me when I was eighteen! NO. It is the most unspeakable, inhuman act on this fucking planet and I believe rapists should be disemboweled alive. Publicly, very, very publicly. Same goes for pedophiles. Okay? OKAY?! Okay. Cool. Had to clear that out.
Why Is Asuka not in jail? Aggravated assault, lots and lots and lots of aggravated assault, psychological warfare, and probably rape too. Sexual abuse, at least. Yeah, just how many aggressors, rapists, and overall abusive love partners do you think are running around free right now? What happens behind closed doors… stays in Vegas. What? No, stays in the closed doors. STDs stay in Vegas, hopefully. Anyway. She's not in jail. There is… uh… no jail for something so petty at that point in time. Why?
Imagine how hard it was for Misato to hunt down the actual inmates that were in Tokyo's prisons and dissolved to nothing, only to turn up like dandelions in summer, free. Satellites are fried. You don't carry a device like Rocket's from Guardians of the Galaxy that lets you know if a motherfucker is a criminal or not. Can you imagine the issuing fucking chaos?! Like, the amount of crimes? Crazy! Fucking crazy! That's why Misato was never home! Come on! Former members of the army, rapists, murderers, gang members, all of them on the loose, all of them with enough experience to go and slice the throat of a particular young fifteen year old boy.
Alright, now that we're clear on that detail….
Who in the FUCK, in such a scenario, will even remotely consider a fifteen-year-old boy who is being beaten by a fourteen-year-old girl a serious business? WHAT?! No, man! NO! Just… no. Society's in shambles! You know what the cops will think? "Well, this kid's a fucking wimp. He probably deserved that beating for being such a pussy." Not that Japanese society is misogynistic or anything of the sort, it's just the context.
In the story's context, nobody would pay attention to such a small thing; they're preoccupied with rebuilding human society from zero! Asuka and Shinji aren't pilots at this point, who gives a fuck so long as the girl doesn't kill him? Fuck it, let's go get some real criminals who area actually out there killing, raping, stealing and shaking down other people just because they can! Right? Right.
In the context of a chaotic society, most of which survives in shacks because their houses were quite literally fucking vaporized and it'll take more than one or two months to rebuild them, in a context where food is scarce for months, also water, there's no agriculture in the vicinity, and people just suddenly pop back into existence, naked, I mean… you get my drift. Do you? I hope you do, anyway.
Now, let's, for the fuck of it, gender flip the hell out of this scenario. Yeah… turns out quite, quite differently, right? This story would have never seen a second chapter, most likely. And still, that's my point. What this theoretical Shinji was doing to this theoretical Asuka, this shit exists. It occurs, on a daily fucking basis, in our society, under our noses! Trust me, it does, and it goes unpunished for long, long periods of time.
Did Asuka rape Shinji? Ehhhhh, kinda…? I mean, he's attracted to her, his penis will stand out attention in her presence! Come on people, we've been through this! He's totally fucking broken! He's functioning on instinct and basic motor functions at this point! So yeah, his body responds when an attractive young lady of his age throws herself on top of him naked, grinds against him and clearly, clearly implies that she wants him. Shinji knows this, in a deep, subconscious level, but come on, he's fucked up. If she says don't move, he won't move. Now, picture this.
You can't sleep, and I do mean for days.
If you ever had serious insomnia you know what I mean, if not, allow me to illustrate: You lay in bed, tired, exhausted beyond description, your scalp itches, your mind is in overdrive, never stops with the most menial, irrelevant thoughts. The back of your head hurts, it throbs. Your body's stiff, every muscle curled into itself and loaded with stress. If you suffer from PTSD, you don't want to go to sleep. You know you'll see horrible things, and they will feel like they're happening again. It is terrifying, to not know what you'll see when you close your eyes, makes the manliest man think twice.
I've read documents about the middle ages, how the beloved knights would scream out in horror at night, how they would cry, literally bawl like a mewling whelp for days on end. I've seen this. I've lived this. I come from a country that was devastated by war many times over: Nicaragua. Google it. My uncle would scream at the top of his lungs some nights… "I TOLD YOU! DON'T GO IN THERE! AHHHH! (kinda like that scene in The Last Samurai)" Children no older than nineteen with empty, vacant, dead look in their eyes while they hold a rifle; they lived a couple blocks from my home, these former child soldiers. You just know that motherfucker will kill you on the spot and not feel a damn thing, at all, because whoever they were, it's dead, it's been dead since they were seven or eight. Stuff like that. Scaaaaaary shit, son.
That's kinda what our characters are going through, dialed up to eleven. At fifteen. Yeah, fucked up, right? Why did Asuka not just take sleeping pills?! Why fuck Shinji without letting him touch her? OOC is SERIOUS fucking business, people. Aside from the cursing. Okay, they curse, they do so because I fucking loooove to fucking curse. I don't know, feels good, gives whatever sentiment you're trying to get across that well-needed push of sincerity, when you curse properly!
Anyway, I digress once more. Sohryu Asuka Langley, at fourteen years of age, would scorn at the idea of needing anything, anything at all, call it meds, sex, other people, a penguin, a gun, she just wouldn't admit it out loud, wouldn't trust anyone, anyone in her vicinity. She wouldn't look too hard for drugs, I think, not only to sleep, just the thought of needing something would probably fuck with her after dying alone and coming back to life to be strangled by the dude who let her die.
Then, she deluded herself into thinking she's just using Shinji because he's conveniently there, but… couldn't she just have gotten out he apartment building and yelled "Somebody fuck my brains out for ten hours straight, pleaaaaaaase!" ? Nope. This is Asuka. Again, on a subconscious level, she knows Shinji's the only person she can relate to, even after well, he let her die, masturbated to her comatose body, tried to kill her… yeah. She feels attracted to him despite eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveerything that's happened, that including both instances in which he tried to KILL her. And she can't admit to herself. Fucked up!
You ever like, convinced yourself that a really, really bad idea was a good idea? At the time, it probably sounded awesome in your brain! Then, consequences hit and you're like…. "Shit. That wasn't such a good idea after all." That's what happens, BUT! Orgasms and sex are a powerful thing, children. As addictive as drugs, really. Just that bliss… everything disappears, everything! For a brief couple of seconds, your restless mind shuts down, your strained muscles unwind, everything you thought was stifling you comes bursting out and your brain is blank. You get to sleep, just a dreamless slumber. Oh, it's a blessing after insomnia. Both Shinji and Asuka feel this, so… was it rape?
Fucking hell yeah it was, the first time at least. Then, Asuka tried to be nicer, because if she was nicer, she'd enjoy the sensation a lot more. So she wasn't being nice or tender on a conscious level, or to accommodate the guy she accused of being a monster and admitted to hate. Sex does that sort of thing to you, shuts down your operating system and you're left with the back-up data to function, so she'd stroke Shinji, try to bite his earlobe, hiss him and all that shite to make it more enjoyable, for selfish reasons.
In conclusion, this was a form of… consensual sex abuse. Even to me that sounds fucked up, but that was the idea. Another mystery solved! I hope… I really do. I'm not justifying anything, just trying to clear it out while cursing a whole lot. Yeah.
Chekrov's Gun: The cello. This cello exists, Baudiot, and it belongs to a renowned Russian performer and professional musician. Costs a literal fucking fortune. Dmitri admires Shinji, from the very depths of his twisted heart, he does. To him, Shinji is the ultimate adversary, the ultimate artist, a fighter beyond his own capabilities, a monster like him, but also, a human. Shinji is human where Dmitri is not, Shinji is a good person in his essence, and Dmitri is not.
Our Mary Sue doesn't see himself as human, has not since childhood. Remember that part about child soldiers near my house? Yeah.
That bothers him, it bothers him that they're both so similar and so far apart at the same time, it bothers him that Shinji is the top pilot, while he was forced to an entry plug his entire childhood, just to build better gadgets for the little boy who had no training. He was tortured, repeatedly, to better the function and performance of others. It bothers him he never got to stretch his legs in battle, he's basically Rei with an attitude, in the sense that he's a human weapon, and just like Rei, they pulled the trigger at the very end. And to Dmitri, it was worth it; he got to fight to his heart's content, he felt fear, a very human fear for another human being. It was, all in all, a fulfilling experience.
So, the cello; it's a token of honest respect from a rival, or a contender. That's why even after everything, Shinji keeps it. There. Cool.
Music! Yeah, I'm a big music fan, I love it. Who doesn't really? To quote Nietzsche "life without music would be a mistake!" And it would be, it would be. Every chapter is named after the song which to me better describes its content. I added a little of it a bit more directly in the last few chapter, 'cause I felt like sharing music, Asuka and Shinji would come closer together like when fighting the Seventh Angel. Music is a crucial part of my life and my writing, so I did base almost every title of this story in a song. Why the name Scar Tissue? THAT song was playing in my head when I envisioned the beginning, and the ending of this tale.
The Dark Knight: Dmitri's not inspired in the Joker, but that doesn't mean Dmitri's hasn't seen the movie! Let's just assume he did for the hell of it. Anyways, one of my absolute favorite movies of all times because… it makes you feel like this Joker is real, that he can exist, in our world and not in comic books. Spectacular beyond words, Lethger's performance. Incredible, his delivery was always on point. Also, I like the trilogy a lot, and I looooove Batman's comics. Childhood heroes, people! So, yeah, there's plenty of the Dark Knight all over the story, obviously.
Choice: Well, all of Evangelion is based on this element, at least partially. Shinji makes No choices, he lets others determine his existence for him, leaving others to determine his existence as they see fit. In EoE, he finally makes a choice. Of Course, the paradox of EVA and its plot is presented with Asuka, who chooses to be a pilot, chooses to be a warrior and a Tsundere, she leads her life (in the girl's mind at least) how she desires. In the end, she chooses to stand until the last minute. Let's be honest! She could've ejected the Plug, could've set the self-destruct mode to take the EVA-Series with her, cold have chosen to back down, she did not.
This story begins with Asuka breaking Shinji's bones in a feat of blind rage, and choosing to change, choosing to change, and not even for her personal benefit, but fot the safety of the person she was hurting. Shinji, for his part chooses to stand by her no matter what, just like the decision he made during Third Impact, only this time he intends to see it through to the end. He chooses the path, so there's a little character development for ya; Asuka choosing to do something for someone else, and Shinji choosing to do something period. Of course, Asuka chose not to listen to her common sense, to her compassion and shame and guilt etc... and Shinji chose to be a doormat and a toy and not a full functioning human, but then again... trauma. Anyways, I'm a fan, okay?
I'm a fan of anime and a fan of EVA, I fucking love it and I hate it, that's why I've spent so much time trying to understand it and maybe even... give myself and all those who arrived at the end and just yelled "WTF is this shit?!" some form of closure. Hope it was worth the read, and listen, if anythings sucks, just let me know! I mean, i am open to change, to developing even more and so on, so no problem with being honest. I'm not the stupid brat I was when I first started writing, shit... almost a fucking decade. Damn. And trust me, once I'm done with this season's work, there will be strong revising being done, so as to better the reading experience of any one person who finds this story in the future, and of course, for you my dearest readers.
That'd be it for Easter Eggs!
How was Scar Tissue born? Ever wonder that? Probably not, so again, THANK YOU! But, in case you're wondering, I've rambled that out as well.
Rape? Really?! Torment for nine months?! How, just how in the FUCK did that first chapter come out? What the hell… that birthday scene, holy shit.
Yeah. I know. What was I thinking at the moment I wrote that shite? Well, I can literally take you back to the day Scar Tissue was born. Let's rewind back to December the 24th, 2008. It's my birthday, I had just finished a great lunch with my mom, and was calmly smoking a joint in my room while watching EoE for like the 45th time. God, I fucking hated Shinji. Needless to say I started watching Evangelion when I was like twelve, just about the same time I opened my first Berserk manga.
I said to myself; why does this fucking brat have NO balls? I mean, at fourteen I was already a local boxing champ in my neighborhood. Never good with words, I solved problems with my fists, and I was damn well good at it. But I digress, so, Shinji. Hated the guy; compare him to Guts, or Vegeta? He's a fucking wimp! I mustn't run away, really?! Bitch, when I was your age I was being cornered by punks three years older than me just for coming from a certain family with certain political affiliations, and I was beating the shit out of them! Running away was never a fucking option!
Then, Asuka. Oh, Asuka; when I was young… she was like the perfect female character for me, a super strong damsel in distress who didn't want to admit she was in distress. So strong, so bright, so… Tsundere! I wanted to like be a part of Evangelion, kick Shinji's ass and steal Asuka for myself. Come on, I was a kid with a big imagination. So going back to my birthday, I was high as fuck and kept thinking to myself; "If Asuka and Shinji came back to the world and like, the world started to rebuild itself and all, what would happen? Shinji just abandoned her, tried to kill her twice, and abused her sexually, or at the very least, took advantage of her coma to pleasure himself, which to me honestly is just like rape, you're taking advantage of someone who can't defend him-herself. That's domination, that's rape, bitch."
I kept thinking… "What would have to happen for them to be ever able to have some form of relationship? Shit… something drastic has to happen, the roles have to be reversed! The scale has to be balanced! I gotta do something about this. There has to be some level of… equivalent exchange of bad karma, or something like that."
And the image of Asuka cracking Shinji's ribs came to mind. They were naked in my head for whatever reason. So, I rolled up another joint, ignored my mom's complains about the smell and how I was too young to be getting so baked and all the noise outside my house, dialed up Red Hot Chili Peppers until the windows of my room were vibrating, and… first chapter of Scar Tissue.
To this day, every last scene in this story has been written that way. I'm away at work, I'm home resting and smoking, I'm off drinking and cooking meat with my friends, and boom. Something just… pops up. I sit down, I start writing. Before I notice, it's night, I haven't eaten anything more than a banana or an apple, I'm so fucking high I can barely see straight, and there's 50k words in front of me.
I did this with my thesis, people.
I know, right? What the fuck.
Anyway…. I guess that's it!
Thank you sooooo much for the support. This is officially the end of Scar Tissue, it has been a pleasure to write this, and your support has been a true gift. For the very last time in this frame, my friends,