"Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty?
Let the judges frown.
'Cause I saw the end, before we'd began.
Yes, I saw you were blind,
And I knew why I'd won."
It was a Sunday morning, one of the very first of our third year at Hogwarts. It was cold and I buried myself smaller into the corner of the shrieking shack whimpering because my arms stung from the gashes embedded in them. It was still difficult on the full moon; I was no more used to it than I was 8 years ago.
I hated hiding such secrets from my friends and it was hard to cope with this burden by myself. Madam Pomfrey was a big help, she would leave potions and healing salves on the kitchen table in the shack for me. I was grateful for what she did for me, but I was ungrateful about my life. I didn't want this. I wanted so much more, would people still like me if they knew I was a monster? It was her job to help after all, not her choice.
"Thanks a lot Moony..." I grumbled to myself hissing in pain, my eyes screwed shut trying to forget.
"Awww, it's not really Moony's fault, Moony, he just wants to be freeeeeeeee!" My eyes snapped open in shock. Stood in front of me with a winter cloak in his hand and holding a huge grin on his face was my best friend of two years, Sirius Black. I stared in horror and for some strange reason the first thought that came to my mind was that I was naked. I shook my head and pushed such insignificant thoughts away. Sirius was here in the Shrieking Shack; he had found out and wouldn't be my friend anymore. I gulped feeling bile raise into my mouth.
"What are you doing here?" My voice came out a few octaves too high, a thousand thoughts rushing through my head.
He walked over cautiously and then sat in front of me his grin was replaced with a kind smile. Without a word he wrapped the cloak around me and reached into a bag he had on his back, he pulled out a flask and a bar of Honeydukes Finest and handed them to me. I just stared blankly in shock. He coughed, he looked like he was starting to feel a bit awkward, it snapped me out of my daze and I reached for the gifts thankfully. I took a sip from the flask and I couldn't help but feel warmed as a hot creamy chocolate drink filled my stomach but now I was embarrassed and I tried to avoid his eye contact, I was waiting for the flood of questions.
I waited a long time and I dared not to speak, finally he broke the silence.
"Now I understand why your Mum calls you Moony." I looked up and nodded slowly as there was no point denying it. "I heard you last night, I went for a walk and I could hear you crying." He said slowly. "I mean, I didn't know it was you at the time but... you sounded so alone and I couldn't just leave you."
My head shot up confused.
"What do you mean? You didn't stay here did you? With me?" I panicked, after all how could I not?
"I didn't stay, Padfoot did." He smiled at me again and chuckled at my confused look. "You know I said I had a surprise, I spent my summer mastering how to become an animagus because let's face it, it's cool. Lucky for you, I turned into a dog Remus and your a were-"
"Don't say it, please, please, don't say it." I gasped out.
"Well, your... you. " He finished kindly. "Let us just say we have a canine bond. Please, call me Padfoot."
Full moons got much better after that. For countless night's he was there with me, him and Moony dancing together under the stars, fighting and playing and he made Moony feel so free. But there were good nights and bad nights but he was always there after that first morning.
James and Peter found out about my 'furry little problem' as they liked to call it and so Sirius taught them how to become animagi. They didn't take to it as fast as he did, it wasn't until the end of the year they mastered it. And by then, things between the other boy and I had changed.
We would meet late at night sharing each other's breath as feelings we didn't yet understand overtook us. Teenage fumbling and sweet words we thought we understood were shared in secret and I grew so close to Sirius that my happiness depended on him.
Now, when the moon came he would always be there, holding me and nursing me back to health with those promises he whispered into my ear. Promises of a better life, somewhere it would be just the two of us and life would be simple. We were young and naive and it was the best type of love. We had no boundaries to our feelings and no worries or concerns; we had both never suffered a broken heart, we didn't know of such things.
He was Sirius Black, heir to a powerful family and I could tell although he kept up appearances he didn't want all of that. On the outside he was rich, sarcastic and completely hilarious but on the inside he was timid, this was a side to Sirius no-one knew about but me.
Back then I was a broken soul, body aching and mind scarred from the wolf. But no matter what I did, how badly I hurt myself or him he was always there in the morning watching the sun rise as Padfoot, licking Moony's wounds as he whimpered. Then when the moon had gone to sleep I would be myself once again and he would be Sirius; all soft eyes and softer hair tickling my skin. He would wrap his arms so gently around me and for that moment we would forget everything. In those moments we ran away from reality and into our own little world where it would be just the two of us, clinging to each other as we cried. I never knew why he cried with me, I never asked. But to me it was so comforting. He would whimper softly into my shoulder rocking me back of forth in his arms. The sound to me was a lullaby like he was singing into my soul and slowly healing me.
When he cried it was as if he could feel my pain, the thought only made me sob harder. He would kiss soft trails down my neck and kiss my tears away.
He never mentioned those hours down in the Shack to me but it was obvious to everyone that we shared a bond. We would exchange glances across the common room and our hands would linger that little bit longer when they touched. I lived for those moments, I thought he did too.
As the years passed and we started growing into men Sirius grew handsome; more handsome than myself, Peter and even James. He was the heartthrob of Hogwarts in those years, he waved it off with a smile and denied it whispering to me, "Don't worry Remus, it will always be you," but for me that wasn't the reality. There was always someone more handsome than me.
But all was forgotten at night as he would crawl into my bed and hold me so close and we just fit.
James and Peter were fast asleep and I could hear Peter snoring softly from the other side of the room. I smiled as my canopy drapes were opened moonlight flooding into my bed, I felt it dip and familiar arms circled me. The drapes were closed and I turned around to face him our lips instantly met in the dark desperate and I could feel him smile into me. All my jealously ebbed away and he pressed against me and our kiss became more heated. I could feel his arousal press on my leg and I gasped into his mouth.
He was so warm and I just wanted to feel him everywhere, I pulled his shirt open by his buttons and ran my hands down his muscled chest, I moaned into his kiss and I let my arousal take over. For the first time I ground my hips against his and his eyes opened in shock.
"What are you doing?" He whispered into my mouth but moaned none the less as I pushed my hardness against his own creating friction. Then we were lost, neither of us had done anything sexual before. We had wanted to but it would cause risks for us. Sirius knew werewolves mate for life and once you started the process it would be difficult for the wolf inside me to let go.
And after that night there were many nights of grinding and kissing and sexual frustration and I could see that Sirius wanted more. He wanted to have sex with me, be inside me and make love to me. That thought turned on me more than anything but that was the one thing we couldn't do and it caused many fights in those months. Sirius could not understand why I wouldn't do it, I wasn't ready to make that commitment, I was only in fourth year and even though I was so in love I couldn't make such a silly mistake. In the end I think this is what started to ruin us.
As the years passed further we started to grow apart, I believed Sirius was starting to forget about me, about what we had shared. I would lie awake at night holding my breath as he sneaked back into the dormitory. He never mentioned why he was out or where he had been but to me it was obvious and the truth was so painful.
Then one day in fifth year he just never came when the moon was out leaving me with Wormtail and Prongs but that wasn't what Moony wanted and he chased them away, wanted to be by himself. After that I gave up on Sirius Black, I felt betrayed.
Moony was as restless as ever he would bite and scratch at me as if he was punishing me for what we had lost. He would pine trying to get out of the Shrieking Shack; my skin was torn to pieces by half way through the night and then as he finally gave up to his broken heart Moony would curl up in the corner of the destroyed room watching the dust settle back to the floor. He would cover his eyes with his big paws and cry, howling softly not understanding his pain or what he had done to scare his mate Padfoot away.
This is what I hadn't wanted but it was too late now and the mating had started. I was stuck in love with Sirius and I was scared.
It was a Friday night two days after the last moon, James and Peter were staying out and I didn't know where Sirius had disappeared to, he was doing this more often now. I was lying in bed a candle lit on my bedside table as I had been reading earlier, but I just couldn't get into the book. It was sprawled on the floor now the spine bent the wrong way but I wasn't bothered. I lay leaning on my hands just staring at his made bed. It was warm as the fire was lit and so my canopy drapes were open I wished I had the strength to close them and convince myself I wasn't waiting for him.
I don't know how long I had waited but I had drifted off to sleep and was awoken by Sirius changed his clothes rather noisily; he was looking for his pyjamas, silently cursing under his breath. My eyes were heavy with sleep but for some reason my mind was screaming at me to say something to him. I wanted to yell at him and curse him, make him feel my pain but it wasn't in my nature so I pushed those feelings down.
"They're under your pillow." I whispered before I could help myself. He turned around shocked and looked at me a little strangely, he looked awkward, he hadn't even noticed I was here.
"Erm, thanks." He whispered back, it was then I noticed the candle had blown out and it was just the soft light from the crackling fire that illuminated us now. I didn't want to admit that he looked so handsome in this light, I gulped thickly.
A strange smell was coming from Sirius, he didn't smell like himself, I could almost feel Moony growl inside me. He had been with someone else I could smell it and it made me feel sick but I didn't want to admit that. Was I being selfish? After all me and Sirius had never confirmed a relationship it was just assumed, but we so close for so long, why had he betrayed me? When all I had done was love him.
"Where have you been?" The words just burst out my mouth and they sounded desperate and I was ashamed for sounding so. I blushed and pulled my duvet up higher trying to hide my embarrassment and anger that was creeping into my chest.
The guilt on his face was clearly etched into his features and I felt my chest constrict tightly. It was then I found out and I thought I would die from the pain.
"I was, just, I mean..."
"Why did you do it? Was it because I can't give you that? Do you not find me attractive anymore? Are you scared of me? Or disgusted because of what I am?" I hadn't even realised that I had jumped out of bed and now was standing in front of him looking into his eyes desperately trying to see a sign that I was wrong.
I didn't find anything.
And it was breaking me from the core.
"So I took what's mine,
My eternal right,
Took your soul out into the night,
It may be over,
But I won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care."
"No! Remus, wait!" I grabbed his hand but he just looked at me disgusted. I had completely blown it with him and it was too late to stop it. Remus snatched his hand away from me forcefully and gritting his teeth he hissed in a deathly tone at me, "Don't you dare touch me." My reserve crumbled and I couldn't pretend any longer.
"Give me a chance to explain!" I begged.
"Why Sirius? Why?" He demanded angry tears filling his eyes but I couldn't answer and he knew I wasn't going to. I was too ashamed and he went to walk away, "Remus, please!" I pleaded with my lover falling to my knees pathetically sobbing into his shirt. He just cringed and anger flashing across his features he did something that I didn't think he was capable of. He growled loudly and my eyes widened as I looked up at him hearing Moony for the first time in Remus. With a rage I didn't know that he possessed Remus kicked me square in the chest and I went sprawling backwards hitting my back harshly against my bed, the werewolf in him breaking through.
"I said, DON'T touch me." And with that Remus stormed out.
I tried to avoid Remus after that night.
Life without him was hard but I knew that I had bought it upon myself. The past year had been difficult and it shouldn't have been. I was so happy with Remus just content in our own little world. And I missed everything about him and in that moment I realised how much I had not shown Remus that I appreciated him.
Emotions welled up inside me and I tried to push them down.
Why does my heart feel so bad? These thoughts had been rushing through my head for hours at a time. Why does my soul feel broken? Deep down I knew. Why was nothing ever simple? I shook my head sadly, biting my lip trying to hold back the tears.
I missed his smile. When he smiled it lit up his whole face, his amber eyes would sparkle and he would tip his head backwards slightly spraying his blonde hair back out of his eyes his cheeks would glow and he would look so happy.
I had loved to run my hands through his hair, his hair was thin, baby fine but very smooth and my fingers slipped through it effortlessly as I would kiss him pouring my love into him through my breath. I would have one hand planted in his hair and the other cupping his cheek. Remus was always cool to the touch and it was refreshing.
I missed how he clung to me, when we would kiss he would make my head spin and my mind refused to think of anything but him, just the two of us. He used to hold onto me so tightly like he needed me. Funny, I guess he did.
When I had confronted him that morning many years ago in the Shrieking Shack I had already been close to him and I had always thought he had been a beautiful creature. If there was one thing Sirius Black could appreciate it was beauty. Back then his face was round and he looked sweet, a childish innocence making him so appealing to me. He was cute and he was the first person I liked.
The first time we kissed it was so sure. We had been curled up in the dirty shack and we were sobbing into each other, desperate for the pain to go away. Remus crying from his physical pain and myself for what my friend went through, every full moon it scared me badly to see my friend ripping his own flesh off and to hear his bones break as the wolf overtook him. We were sobbing and I was rocking him back and forth, he was wrapped in the cloak I always bought to him to keep his dignity and the next thing I knew we were kissing. And I mean, really kissing.
Inexperienced lips were pushing together enthusiastically and then his cold hand shot up to my face and held it in place as he took dominance of the kiss. I didn't know what was happening, my head was spinning and a feeling was passing through me that I didn't understand but I knew I liked it. He pushed his tongue into my mouth and I gasped at the silky feel of it, I pushed my tongue back against his messaging them together and I started to get warm, feeling flushed as Remus started to moan into my mouth. My stomach swirled sending a bolt of pleasure down to my groin and I felt myself growing hard. This made me blush and slow the kiss down to a reasonable pace until I found it comfortable enough to slowly break it off without scaring him. I wasn't sure what to expect as we pulled away but we just stared into each other's eyes breathing heavily and then leaned our heads together, still cupping each other's cheeks.
Thinking back now made me sob. I missed it all.
Even simple tasks were hard for me now, eating breakfast, sleeping, going to class. It was all so painful without him by my side. He had opted to change seats in all classes, at the Gryffindor table and he had even swapped beds with James so when I lay awake at night I wasn't staring at him anymore but my dark haired friend instead. That hurt a lot.
I cursed myself for destroying what we had. Those last few months haunted me.
It was a Monday morning when the family owl had swooped down to breakfast dropping a tiny black envelope into my lap. None of my friends noticed and I slipped it into my robe pocket, letters from home were never good. I played with my food worrying about what the letter was going to say. I felt a cool hand slip up my thigh and I smirked discreetly as he sent me a lustful glance and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from moaning in need. After all it was only a few nights ago that we had bought each other to a release for the very first time and our lust for each other was so fresh, we had been together for over a year now and I believed I loved him dearly. I forgot about the letter for many days.
It wasn't until I found it on my bed on top of my clean laundry that I remembered. Remus was at the library with Peter and James was at Quidditch practise so I flopped my bed tearing it open. I was speechless at what I read and I didn't want to believe it. I was getting married.
I ripped the letter up angrily then burned it with my wand. I frantically tried to figure out how to get out of this situation but I could see no way.
It was then that Remus walked through the door a pile of books in his arms looking very tired. He was paler than usual and a new scar donned his face where Padfoot had scratched Moony when they were playing together a few moons ago.
He placed his books on his bed carefully. He turned and looked at me thoughtfully; he could tell something was wrong.
"Hey, Sirius!" He said smiling sitting down next to me. "What's up, eh?" He leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips gently his soft, soft hair tickling my face. My eyes fluttered closed and I clung to him. I couldn't get married I wanted to stay with Remus, this was so unfair.
I kissed him passionately almost whimpering into the kiss I wanted it so badly. I sat up getting a better angle; I kissed him deeper and pulled him on top of my lap so he was straddling me. He moaned and thrust himself into me, I gasped at his bold action. I could feel his arousal growing against my stomach. I moaned into his kiss and laid down pulling him on top of me our crotches aligning and he started to thrust against me, the tears welled in my eyes.
I was getting married...
I felt like my heart was starting to break and I clung to Remus desperately trying to forget. I slid my hands over his toned chest and pulled his cloak off in a hurry. Trying to feel all of him, cherish every moment.
Remus sighed into me and pulled my school shirt open pressing our bare skin together, I arched into him. I pushed him on his back and kissed my way down his rapidly warming skin feeling his muscles twitch beneath me. I gently bit into his neck and he growled softly. I wanted so much more. I needed him to feel how I felt. I needed him to know what I wanted and that it was only him before I was forced to do anything I didn't want to. I kissed and sucked my way down his stomach and made it to his trousers where I could see his painfully hard erection tenting his trousers.
I had never seen Remus naked before, at the full moon I had always politely adjusted my eyes. Now to see him like this left me speechless. I unbuttoned his trousers and pulled down his boxers exposing his arousal to the air. I ran my hand over it and it twitched. I moaned drinking in the sight. Remus was a lot bigger than me and he was thick and hot to touch. He had fine hair trailing from his stomach downwards and I wondered if it was as soft as his hair. I resisted the urge to find out. It was twitching in front of my face and I could smell how aroused he was, precum was gathered at his slit and I felt my own cock pushing painfully against my trouser. I leaned forward bravely and licked the tip.
Remus moaned loudly and bucked his hips, then as if he realised what he was doing suddenly he backed away and in a firm voice told me to stop. I sank to the floor. He did his trousers back up and folded his legs up to his chin sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I can't." He stammered, looking afraid.
"Why not?" I pressed on, standing up and leaning over starting to kiss him passionately trying to reheat his cold skin.
"Sirius, stop." He pushed me away avoiding my eye contact.
"I want you." I whispered, breathing heavy, tears welling up in my eyes once more.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled before pushing past me and walking out the dorm. I collapsed face first into the bed. I was desperate to sleep with Remus, maybe, just maybe if I lost my virginity it would void this contract and there was no better person to give it to.
"Sirius, stop." The words echoed through my mind. Sometimes I forgot that Remus was a werewolf and what came with that, a curse of celibacy or the gift of mating for life. I cried into my pillow. There was no way we could stay together if Remus wouldn't sleep with me, my soul ached. If I didn't figure this out I was going to have to get married.
"I'm fucked." I cursed.
And so the courting began, she was a sweet girl who was in Slytherin like the rest of my family. It's not that I didn't like her it was just that she wasn't Remus. I hated going behind my lovers back but I was so ashamed to admit what had happened. I hid it from everyone.
She was always trying to kiss me or grope me and we got into many fights. I never let her touch me, I never even let her kiss my cheek. I was disgusted by the thought of touching anyone but Remus. I loved him. She thought I didn't find her attractive and she was right.
The school year ended far too quickly and I was even more ashamed to admit that I had been neglecting Remus and I had even missed full moons with him. It made me feel sick to let him down like that but of course I had to keep up appearance and make Jaden believe that I wanted to marry her after graduation otherwise there would be trouble if my family found out.
It was a lot to cope with and it was tearing me apart the way Remus would glance longingly at me.
Over the summer I didn't see anyone I just wanted to be by myself and try figure out what I was going to do. I didn't want to get married, I spoke to my dad about it but it just ended up with me getting cursed and yelled out about how much of a disgrace I was to the Black name and how I had disgraced my ancestors. I didn't care about that, I cared about him.
Fifth year came and I was greeted by my 'girlfriend' kindly but she just made me cringe. I tried to avoid her as I could see the betrayed looks that Remus was giving me. It had been six months since we had last kissed. He wasn't stupid he knew something was going on, but all I could do was nod and smile and say truthfully, "Don't worry Remus, it will always be you."
Then one night as I went to meet her at our scheduled times that our parents set, Jaden surprised me at the end of our date and he pushed herself against me thrusting her tongue into my mouth and rubbing herself all over me. I pushed her away roughly and shot her a dirty look before storming off without a word.
I felt sick and I panicked as I walked back to the dorm praying silently Remus wouldn't be there. I had to live this lie for now and I didn't want to hurt him anymore than I already had. I would never touch anyone else, or especially sleep with someone else. I had a bad feeling about going back to the dorm. When I arrived I tried to get into bed as fast as possible so I could pretend to be asleep. Hopefully Remus would not smell her on me.
I was right to worry.
That night I watched him crumble.
"You touched my heart,
You touched my soul,
You changed my life and all my goals,
And love is blind,
But I knew it,
My heart was blinded by you."
It had been a week since Sirius had broken down in front of me and I was still so angry; to see him crying like that, begging, it had snapped something inside me. I had once believed that his cries were like a lullaby but he had destroyed that for me; I didn't feel anything but anger towards him as he cried into my shirt. I was disgusted, I had loved him and he betrayed me.
Where was the Sirius I knew? The one that fell in love with me. That I had learned to love? It certainly wasn't the boy on his knees sobbing. I stared down at him, he looked so desperate.
Part of me wanted to scoop him into my arms and just hold him and tell him it was okay. But... It wasn't okay. His eyes said it all, he looked so guilty.
"Give me a chance to explain!"
His words felt like razors in my mind, I didn't want to hear his lies. I just wanted him to shut up, to take his dirty hands off me. I could smell her all over him and it made me gag. I wanted to vomit and it felt as if Moony was trying to claw out of me from the inside. I was overwhelmed and my blood started to boil. I felt like I couldn't breathe. His hands were touching me and images of him touching someone else flashed through my mind.
Did he kiss her the way he did me? Did he hold her tightly? Did he arch into her when she touched him? I didn't want to think about that anymore. I started to feel violated like I had been used, my inner werewolf instincts and feelings starting to come into play. I should never have let him touch me, I mate for life and now I would be stuck half way through my mating ritual for the rest of my sorry life. The worst part of it being that I would always love him, it was the first time I saw my curse for what it really was.
"Don't worry Remus, it will always be you." My whole body shuddered and I held back a sob of my own.
Why did he do this? He had promised. He had said to me one day we would run away and it would just be the two of us and life would be simple. He had said he loved me and I had believed him. I was just a stupid kid; I was too young and had let my hormones ruin everything. It hadn't been worth it.
I had destroyed my life. I just wished I would die of a broken heart and this feeling would go away. I should have known I would be a passing fancy. After all everybody fancied Sirius and I was stupid enough to believe he was mine.
A low growl erupted from my chest as I saw red. The next thing I knew he was being kicked. It was so satisfying to watch him tumble backwards and hit the bed. His expression was shocked; his eyes wide and I could see he was afraid. Good, let him fear me and let him feel my pain. The madness within had taken over.
"I said, DON'T touch me." I ran from the room, I ran and ran and I found myself stumbling through the dark corridors and into the rain outside. I slipped down the stone steps almost falling onto my bottom but my arm lashed out and caught the rail, I hoisted myself back up.
My night clothes were soaked through and my feet stung as I wasn't wearing shoes and the stones bruised them. I tripped from the speed I was running directly into the grass I fell; my knees collided painfully into the wet earth as I landed at an awkward angle.
I couldn't hold it in any longer.
A screamed echoed into the night, tears were pouring from my eyes. It was as if a hand was reaching inside me and ripping it all out messily, I had never felt such pain.
The moon was shining innocently into the sky. I cursed it for what it did to me and I ripped up the grass angrily. My hand wondered over a stone and I clenched my fist around it and threw it as I howled at the bright orb in the sky but it just hit the ground with a thud meters away from me. I collapsed to the floor my legs caving in underneath me, my whole body weak. I covered my face with my hands.
I tried to pretend the moon had bought me such grief but there was no point trying to fool myself as a single word spilled from my lips, "Sirius."
The next day I asked James to swap beds with me when we were in potions. He asked why but I didn't answer but I guess my silence said it all. He nodded placing a comforting hand onto my shoulder, respecting that I didn't want to talk about it. Sirius pretended not to listen but I saw the raw emotion in his face, I looked away frowning. I had to be strong.
James and Peter didn't know of what Sirius and I had shared but it was obvious to everyone that something had shifted for the worst between us. I made a few decisions that day which I thought would be for the better, moving beds being one of them.
I could tell I was hurting him as I went to sit in a different seat in lessons where it was just normally me and him; which there was a quite a few as he had copied my lesson choices in third year. As it happened the only free seat was by a Slytherin boy called Severus Snape who didn't have many friends and was a bit strange but I'd prefer to sit by that slimy git instead of sit by Sirius.
I noticed that Sirius started to get rather spiteful to Snape over the next few weeks.
Sometimes he would smile weakly at me just to keep up appearances for James and Peter but we were fooling nobody.
"James, can you pass the gravy?" I asked politely at lunch. I was sat by James, Sirius and Peter opposite us. The gravy bowl was just to the left of Sirius's plate, before Sirius would have passed it even if I had asked someone else but he just looked stung.
James who was starting to get sick of us ignoring each other snapped, "Make Sirius get it."
Our eyes met across the table and I swallowed thickly. He reached for the jug with trembling hands and passed it across to me, our hands brushed lightly and I pulled away as if I had been burned. The gravy went everywhere. Sirius slammed his cutlery down angrily and stormed from the hall.
"What the hell are you playing at?" James cursed standing up before the gravy dripped onto his lap.
"I, it was hot, it burned me." I lied, trying to ignore the instinct to run out the hall after Sirius. James shot me a look as if he knew better and tutted. I vanished the mess I had made and tucked back into my dinner defying how I really felt. I could not let myself get any more attached to Sirius again, it was wrong...
I missed everything about him. His laugh most of all, Sirius hadn't laughed since we had went our separate ways. Sirius was always so, well... Serious. When he laughed he almost barked and I had always found it so funny because of Padfoot. His face would light up and a large smile would crack across his gorgeous face and he would flash his white teeth; they were quite pointy but straight and I had been on the receiving end of them teeth many times, I shivered trying to push down my desires.
The longer we didn't speak, the more beautiful Sirius seemed to grow but I would forget this as girls would flirt with him and he would glance at me as if he was going to say it.
"Don't worry Remus. It will always be you."
The words never fell from his lips; I hoped they never would again.
As it was getting nearer to the moon and my senses became more sensitive I could smell that girls scent all over Sirius, even from across the dorm. I heaved, scrunching my face up and the tears welled up in my eyes, I refused to cry. How could he look so guilty and yet still be seeing her? Something inside me told me that it didn't make sense and it was something more but I knew it was too dangerous to risk it. The wolf couldn't take much more.
I felt alone now as if a part of me was missing. I would lay awake at night and sometimes if the room was too silent I could hear him crying. It was hard not to be drawn to such a sad lullaby. I felt guilty, the boy I loved cried himself to sleep for many nights. I pretended not to hear him; I wouldn't fall for that song again.
Yet the yearning inside me disagreed.
I prayed I was wrong and I pulled my pillow over my head trying to block out the sound and the smell and hoped I would survive the night.
"I've kissed your lips and held your hand,
Shared your dreams and shared your bed,
I know you well,
I know your smell,
I've been addicted to you."
Thinking back on it now I wandered why I had gone along with everything. I had never loved my family or even respected them or their wishes. I was a black sheep among them and I didn't understand their logic or their ways. They didn't love me; they used me as a tool to carry on the Black family name. Well, I didn't want that and what I wanted was more important as it was my life and I could love who ever I wanted and think whatever I wanted. Just being myself was okay because I could make my own decisions and as long as I was happy that's all that mattered.
What would I be gaining living a rich, pure blood life if it made me miserable? I would have money and a beautiful wife, but I didn't want that. I was never one for status, blood didn't matter to me and money had NEVER mattered to me because it can't buy your happiness. I had grown up around riches and never once had I been happy. The only time I had ever been happy was when I was with the Marauders and even that wasn't the same without Remus being part of my life.
My relatives were never my family and my house was never a home. All I wanted was to feel at home, to feel loved and wanted. Just to be content and happy with life would be a blessing. I didn't want the same things as the people I called my parents, I wanted more; I wanted just to live and not have to lie. I hated lying. I had built myself a new home in my first few years at Hogwarts, with James and Peter, and my dear sweet Remus. Then it had all been torn down and had left a big hole in my life. Now I knew that what I was longing for all along was a real family and a home.
Unfortunately, it had taken me until the holiday just before seventh year to figure this out. Me and Moony had not spoke in a long time. We had fought a lot in fifth year when he had found out about Jaden and in sixth year we hadn't really spoken to each other but I knew his feelings were still there. It was the way he still looked at me; I could feel him staring at me when he thought I wasn't looking. And in sixth year Remus experienced his first mating season: it happened in spring as it does with every animal. He had warned me about this, two years ago in fourth year. He shrugged it off never thinking it would happen to him that the wolf inside him would never be so strong but he was so, so wrong.
"So, fancy coming to mine this summer guys?" James offered. He was sat with his legs on the back of the couch sat upside down reading his potions textbook. I was sat across of him on a chair pretending to do my homework, Peter too. Remus was the only one was actually doing anything I supposed.
"I dunno. I've got a lot on at home." I mumbled not wanting them to know the real reason. Jaden's family would be staying at our house this summer; I hated the thought of it.
"Oh come on, Padfoot!" James moaned, flipping the right way around in his seat. "You never come over in the holidays anymore!" He frowned. "I thought you hated it at home, the past few summers we haven't heard anything from you!"
"I've just been busy guys, sorry." I felt guilty so I avoided there gaze pulling my book up to shield my face. Remus looked straight at me as if he knew and I could feel it and he made my cheeks flush in embarrassment.
"I can come!" Peter said enthusiastically. I tuned out of Peter and James talking about what they would do all summer. I tried to concentrate on my book, whatever it was.
I could feel Remus staring at me again; I frowned biting my lip willing myself not to look up. I couldn't help it; I glanced up and looked at him. He looked flushed and shifted in his seat looking a little uncomfortable; a smile was tugging at the corner of his lips. I gulped thickly; did Remus just smile at me? I felt butterflies rise in my stomach. I shoved my book back in front of my face bewildered. He hadn't spoken to me in so long, he was smiling and his eyes were dancing and he looked so happy. His cheeks were flushed and actually thinking about it he looked at little bit warm. He looked...
I dared to peak over my book to see him shifting in his seat and biting his lip. He was breathing a bit deeper than usual, I could tell from the speed his chest was rising and falling. His soft pink tongue darted out to lick his lips and he looked right at me. He lowered his book to his lap. His soft blonde hair was falling in front of his eyes and I could see the pure lust in them as he looked at me.
My breath caught in my throat and I gulped again. It was easy to see, Remus was turned on... I couldn't believe it and he was looking right at me, he tilted his head to the side and smirked licking his lips again and I felt my trousers tighten.
Remus cleared his throat and stood up holding his book in front of his crotch discreetly. "I'm going to pop up to the dorm for a bit, could you come and help me with something, Sirius?" It was the first time he had spoke to me in so long and I just stared dumbly as he walked away up to the dormitory. I felt like I couldn't move I was so shocked.
"Go, idiot!" James fumed dragging me up out my chair and practically throwing me towards the stairs and dragging me back to reality.
"What do I say?" I panicked turning to James.
"Don't think, just do." With that he pushed me again and I walked up the stairs thinking of what had bought this sudden change of heart.
I opened the dorm door and as soon as I had pushed it closed Remus was striding across the room to me and he was holding me so closely I couldn't move, he had me pinned between the door and his body. Remus didn't feel like how I remembered him. He was much taller than me now, at least 3 inches taller and he was broader. It was a little intimidating but it felt great to be in his arms again. He smelt the same and I almost wept in joy as I clung further into him.
His skin was so hot and I could feel the heat seeping through his clothes and into me. This I couldn't understand, it was not like him to be so warm. It was then that I noticed something very hard was pushing against my hip bone. I blushed suddenly starting to feel uncomfortable. Remus nuzzled into my hair as if he were smelling me.
Why was he acting so strange? This wasn't Remus.
My thoughts were confirmed when I felt something warm and wet trail over my neck. It bought shivers to my skin but I knew it was wrong. Remus had licked me; he had never done that before. I tried to push him away but he was too strong and he held me firmly in place.
"What are you doing?" I gasped, this wasn't right; it was so unlike Remus that it was painful. I held back a sob and he thrust his groin against me but it gave me no pleasure it just hurt me.
"I want you." He whispered, lust pouring from his voice.
"No. Get off me, Remus." I said firmly, trying to get away. "This isn't you." He felt too warm and it was over powering and it was then our conversation years ago came back to me.
A deep growl erupted from him and I held my breath. Slowly, he untangled himself from me looking guilty.
"What the fuck, Remus?" I cursed under my breath, I tried to stop my hands from trembling.
He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry." He breathed deeply, sitting down on his bed. "I just, I don't know what came over me."
I nervously straightened my clothing rubbing the sweat from my hands onto my uniform and I tried to relax. My heart was beating so fast, he had scared me. I thought he was going to, well, I wasn't even sure what he would have done to me... I couldn't think that way. This was Remus, he would never hurt someone deliberately he would have snapped out of it by himself.
He looked so desperate, wringing his hands together nervously, like he was going to cry and I didn't want that. "I'm sorry too." I pushed myself away from the wall to sit on the end of his bed.
There was silence for a long time.
"Remus, I know you didn't want to do that." I whispered, he whimpered and I watched a tear drop from his downturned face and splatter onto his trousers. He nodded his head slowly, "How did you know?" I barely heard it and I wasn't sure how to respond to that.
"I'm the last person you want to touch after what I've done to you and you're a nice guy Remus, I know you're not like that." I confessed, ashamed and embarrassed of those memories.
"I guess it has finally happened. The wolf has taken control." His shoulders shook as he tried to hold back his sobs.
"You're..." I hesitated. "You're in mating season... Aren't you?" Remus looked up at me pained etched into his features and nodded slowly.
"I think I might be... I don't want this. It keeps coming and going in flashes of lust and all I can think about is you." He sobbed, tears falling freely. My eyes were starting to burn too and I didn't understand why.
"It's so hard. I hate you for what you did to me, yet all I want to do is shag you!" He yelled anger directed at me, he grabbed a book off his night stand and threw it forcefully at me. I ducked, whimpering at his words not at his actions.
"If I was to ever to do that with anyone especially you, it wouldn't be shagging, it would be more than that." The words had tumbled out my mouth, I couldn't help what my heart believed.
He looked up at me, disbelieving and shocked. "You... You're a virgin aren't you, Sirius." He was staring at me now, I was suddenly uncomfortable under his honest stare and in that moment when he looked so hopeful I realised that I didn't want to lie anymore. It was breaking me, I couldn't be whole without him, I couldn't be happy and my life was a lie. I didn't want to live in this make believe world anymore.
"Yeah, I am." I said honestly, I had taken the first step and after that it flooded from me. "Everything's a lie Moony. I miss you more than anything in the world and I'm sorry I never admitted that. Everything we had was real and I never wanted it to end but my stupid family got in the way. And I, I betrayed you Moony. I have lied and I have broken your heart, can you ever forgive me?" I sat down next to him looking at the floor, I didn't know where else to look.
There was a silence again for a long time then I felt a cold hand lay on top of my own and finally it felt like I was home.
We sat by the lake, hands entwined under our favourite tree as we comfortably watched the rain fall around us, we were protected by the bubble charm Remus had cast. If I was by myself I would be soaked.
I had poured my heart out, I sobbed ashamed as I told him about Jaden. My eyes were itching and burning from crying and my throat raw. But for the first time in months that horrible feeling in my chest and gut had disappeared and I was left feeling contented.
I was leaned against Remus, so glad for the warmth, for the feel of his chest so solid, like a support for my aching heart. Something had shifted between us again. I wasn't sure if he felt it or if it was me just being silly. Or was this simply the way it was supposed to be? I didn't question it as I looked up at him, into those amber eyes.
He kissed me, his lips lingering on my forehead and I held back another sob.
This time it was different. I didn't care who could see us.
"So, are we okay now?" Remus whispered, unsure.
"I sure hope so, do you think we'll be okay?" I answered, snuggling further into him.
"After everything that we've been through, I think that we can just about survive anything." Remus smiled at me and my breath caught.
"I love you, Remus, Moony." My voice was sincere; I had never been so sure of anything in my life.
"I want to be with you."
"It's always been you." We both smiled again, staring out at that lake.
"So where do we go from here? I guess I need to tell my family where to shove it."
"You'll have no-where to go. You'll be disowned, Sirius."
"It'll be better than having to live a lie. It's been killing me, being away from you."
Remus flushed and gripped my hand tighter. Somehow, we knew one day everything would be okay.
He spent the next summer at James' house, the exchange between the Black family had not went very well but Sirius was proud to have made page 10 of the daily prophet from his disgrace to the family. He had saved a newspaper clipping and James had told me he had framed it and it was currently on James window sill. He had been blown off their tapestry and cut off from his inheritance. He said he didn't mind, he had an Uncle Alphard who loved him dearly and had been saving some money for him, for when he turned seventeen.
I went on holiday with my family to Peru that summer, we wrote every day. He counted down the days until we returned for school, till we would see each other again and it warmed my heart. I let feelings take over that I had not let possess me willingly since my younger teenage years. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the forbidden as my hand was wrapped around my length stroking furiously, thinking of times where our bodies were flushed together and we were so close and I just felt so intimate with him. When I came, sometimes I cried. I know it was foolish. It just upset me because I didn't know if we would ever be that intimate again, if it was a good idea or if it was just teenage hormones. I had to be sure before I did anything I would regret.
I was back to where I was before.
I hated being a werewolf again, unlike those times I chased Padfoot around the forest having the time of my life.
When it happened, it was so unexpected and it was perfect. We were eighteen; we had left Hogwarts and went on a holiday touring around various places with James and Peter for a few months after we had left. Sadly while we were gone, Sirius' Uncle had passed away and had left him everything. When we returned from the holiday I helped him sort though his uncle's things, a lot of it he kept, some of it we scrapped. Once it was sorted Sirius sold the house and got a small fortune for it.
It was that month he asked me to move in with him. I cried as I said yes and pulled him close. James had looked at us weird. We had forgotten to mention our relationship to our friends, it had not gone unnoticed, James was just too polite to say anything. Peter was oblivious.
It was there it happened, in our flat above the bookshops on Diagon Alley. The floors were bare wood and cardboard boxes surrounded us. It was dusty and cold as the heating charms were off and we hadn't figured out how to activate them.
In was on a mattress on the floor of our living room, we had stumbled in wrapped in our happiness as we moved the last box inside. We fell together, smiling into each other's kisses, our hands linked together as we touched each other for the first time in two years.
Sirius was no typical teenage boy and had been so patient with me. I couldn't thank him enough. If anyone were to ask me if I would have changed it, any of it, even the heartbreak, I would say no. Our past we had worked through together, even with the extra issues. I think we had proved our love time and time again.
Something had shifted all those years ago and I hadn't realised it until Sirius was pressed under me, gasping my name, our foreheads rested together, our hands clasped and skin sticky. One elegant leg of his wrapped on my left hip and I pressed inside him and let instinct take over. He was never more beautiful than in that moment, his hair spread under him. And my breath caught as I stared into those dark eyes.
Our bodies were just as littered with scars as our hearts and minds were. But it didn't matter. We had each other and I realised that we were finally there. After all those years of waiting. He flipped me over, sitting down on me, making me gasp. He laughed and I laughed too and I wasn't sure why but we had got through it, everything was going to be okay now. Our hands grabbed each other tighter, our moans louder as I thrust up into him. He was whining and pushing back down against me and it was the best feeling in the world and had been worth every second I had waited for it.
We had not been beaten.
We were finally together and we were happy.
Fanfiction is by Faith Valconbridge . This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
The featured song is 'Goodbye my Love' by James Blunt.