I sat at my desk in the inferior hyuman skool, wondering why I still came here. I could gather more information from teevee or the interwebs than the Bitters. But my Tallest had instructed us to "blend in with the hideous native inhabitants," and going to skool was the best way to do it. But why did the stink-beasts have to make it so wretchedly boring?
"This is the US Constitution," said Ms. Bitters, handing out packets. "Take it home and memorize the Preamble. You will be quizzed first thing tomorrow."
It was the first time I heard her say something without "doom" or "horrible." I cocked my head at her.
"So don't be late," she added with a glare at the Dib-stink.
"I haven't been late since Thursday," said Dib, trying for an innocent look - and failing.
"Today is Thursday," she growled.
"I meant last Thursday."
I love it whenever someone puts the Dib-worm in his place. Smirking, I glanced down at the US Constitution Ms. Bitters placed on my desk. If the dirt children were required to memorize some of it, it must be important to them. Maybe it would give me a clue on how to conquer the hyuman race.
The Preamble was only one sentence. I read it quickly; then I slowly read it again, trying to compute the exact meaning without any context.
We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union,
It had a lot of words that began with upper case letters. They must think they're important.
establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility,
Feh, who needed that?
provide for the common defense,
That part jumped at me. I had to weaken their defenses. I read on.
promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,
This puny hyuman nation did value liberty, I'd noticed. It was one of the things that made them weak and ridiculously easy to infiltrate.
do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
It sounded like the hyumans thought this Constitution thingy would give them all the things they wanted. But it was just words on paper, wasn't it?
Article I: The Legislative Branch
All legislative Powers herein granted shall be vested in a Congress of the United States
Congress had the power to make laws? But that was where the clowns were, or so I'd heard. Still I read on. It was incredibly dry, and there were a few words I had never heard before. But it was clear that the Constitution described how the United States government was set up and organized. It was far too complicated. All you needed were a few Control Brains and an almighty Tallest to make all the decisions. Why couldn't the hyumans see this? Why did they want over 200 clowns, one Presidentman, one Veep, and nine Justices? It was a wonder they accomplished anything.
I raised my arm and spoke without waiting to be called on. "Ms. Bitters, why do you have so many leaders?"
She gave me a long look. "We're talking about malaria now, Zim."
I didn't know what malaria was, but I figured the government was more important. "Will you not answer Zim's question?"
I could almost see her roll her eyes behind her solid white glasses. "The United States is a representative democracy."
I thought for a moment, remembering the election for class president.
"As I was saying, malaria is caused by a horrible parasite…"
My arm shot up again. "Ms. Bitters, wouldn't it be easier to vote just for the Presidentman?"
"It would make elections simpler," she admitted. "But we don't want to give one person that much power."
"But it would be more efficient."
"Not necessarily. Many dictatorships are third world countries."
"Third world? Where is this third world?"
"Oh yes, I forgot you call them developing countries now." She snorted. "Developing, my foot."
I wrinkled my forehead, thinking I might get more sensible answers from my Computer. I went back to reading the packet and came to a section that listed "rights" of "the people." It almost seemed like the United States hyumans were protecting themselves from their own government - one that was already weak!
"Ms. Bitters, how can your government be efficient if it doesn't do the things on this list? It can't even search your houses without 'probable cause.'"
The Bitters raised her eyebrow. "We have individual rights, Zim."
"But the nation is more important than the individual."
"The Founding Fathers didn't think so. They fought against their country so they could have individual liberty."
"That's selfish," I said.
Dib shot me a glare that would have withered an inferior Earth creature. I glared back.
"Not really," Ms. Bitters replied, her face expressionless. "They were willing to die for their families' freedoms."
I leaned back a little, surprised that hyumans would rebel against their own government if they thought it was too controlling. Almost all of the hyumans I'd seen were like cows or sheep or some other farm-like Earth beasts. It didn't add up. I started to wonder if Ms. Bitters was lying. The hyumans may have been individualistic, but they were also lazy slugs. That would change when I became lord of all hyumans. Oh yes, I would put them to work and show them what a superior government could do.