A/N WARNING: This is crack. SHEER CRACK. But funny crack. Slight FrUK at the end, and human names used throughout.
Disclaimer: If I owned Hetalia, would that mean I owned the world? One can only wonder...
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Please, Sir, May I Have Some More?
Arthur came trotting back from the shower house, shirt tossed over his shoulder and towel over his head. He was greeted at the door by Alfred, who, at seven months, was quite skilled at navigating the house on his hands and knees. His bright-eyed ward made a plaintive noise and held up his empty bottle in one hand.
The Englishman blinked. "Wha-?"
Blue eyes regarded him expectantly, as though to say, Well, you see the problem. Fix it!
Sighing, Arthur swept up the young colony and headed into the kitchen. "Francis," he said wearily, "I thought you were going to feed the boys while I got cleaned up." He set Alfred on the kitchen table, tossing his towel and shirt aside.
"I am, Angleterre." His housemate turned from the stove, where he was warming more milk in a saucepan. "They've both had one helping already. Mathieu is on his second - " Upon hearing his name, Alfred's twin poked his head out of the sling slanted around Francis' torso - "and I'm working on that little devil's now."
The aforementioned little devil let it be known that he was hungry. Arthur scooped him back up, cooing softly, and was whacked over the head with a bottle for his efforts. Matthew giggled and leaned over to watch the proceedings with interest.
"That's quite enough of that," Arthur growled, removing the bottle from his reach. Alfred protested the loss but quieted when his fingers found Arthur's bare chest. He patted the smooth planes with some curiosity, apparently puzzled by the lack of chest hair, then abruptly turned and latched onto his caretaker's right nipple.
"Uh." Well, that was certainly unexpected. "Francis?"
"Hmm?" Francis saw, and grinned. "Ah, tres amusant. He did that to me the other day. I'm surprised he knows what it's for."
"He's seen livestock suckle their young," Arthur pointed out. "I'm more surprised that he made the connection."
Alfred sucked a little harder, brow furrowing when he was not rewarded. "Nothing's coming out of there, lad," Arthur chuckled. Little fingers curled against his chest, and he traced them and Alfred's round face lightly. It was weird, yeah, and awkward as hell, but also... oddly endearing. He understood, a little, why women found the experience so precious.
That is, until sharp baby teeth closed around the sensitive flesh in displeasure at the lack of sustenance.
"Ouch!" Arthur roared, yanking Alfred out to arm's length. "Why, you cheeky little - "
He whirled to glare at Francis, who was laughing so hard that Matthew was in danger of falling out of the sling. "Did he do that to you, too?" he snapped, placing Alfred back on the table and rescuing a flailing Matthew instead. The younger twin was more well-behaved once he settled, and ignored Arthur's torso in favor of his last bottle.
"Non," Francis admitted, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "But then, I had the good sense to pull him away before he could do any damage."
"Thanks a lot," Arthur sniped back. Matthew finished his bottle and burped quietly, squirming almost immediately to be put down. Sighing, the Englishman complied, gently massaging his chest. It still hurt, damn it all.
Francis offered a full bottle to Alfred, who tore into it greedily. "Ah, did he hurt you, Angleterre? Not nice, cher, not nice at all." He shook a finger at the feeding toddler and was roundly ignored. A mischievous smile crept onto his face, and he lightly brushed his fingers over Arthur's chest. "My apologies for not warning you, mon cour. Per'aps I could help it feel better as an apology...?"
Arthur responded by placing his hand over Francis' face and shoving him back. "Go away," he growled grumpily; yet he couldn't help a small smile when he heard Alfred giggle behind them.
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A/N: This was meant to be pure humor, nothing else. My beta, CJBlackwing, called me up after I sent it to her and did nothing but laugh her head off for the first three minutes. That's what I consider a job well done.
I don't really ship FrUK, but I know some people do. Consider those last few paragraphs a bonus for you guys~!
However, I do like the idea of these two raising little colonies together. In a totally dysfunctional family kind of way. I blame zulenha on DA and LJ for her fantastic fanart.
There is actually a RL story behind this... if enough people review, I might explain (hint, hint).
Thanks for reading!