A Horse, Of Course

"What would you rather be: a unicorn, but with no horn, or a horse who's got a horn?"

"Well aren't they both just horses, really?"

"No. One's a unicorn."

"But if a unicorn hasn't got a horn, then it's just a horse."

"It's not a horse, it's a unicorn. They're different."


"Well a unicorn's all white and sparkly, isn't it? And a horse is just, you know. Sort of plain. Not sparkly. Not magical."

"And you've met a lot of unicorns, have you? Shared a pint with one down the pub last week, I reckon? Watched the football match together? Which was his team, then?"

"No. But everybody knows what unicorns are like, don't they?"

"All right. So I'm a unicorn, and I've got no horn, then. What happened to it?"

"What d'you mean, 'What happened to it?'?"

"What happened to my horn, I mean. Did I lose it in a great, violent go with another unicorn?"

"No. You just... don't have one."

"I've never had one?"


"So I was born without a horn."


"Then I'm a horse."

"You're not a horse! We've already just been through this! You're a unicorn!"

"Not really, if I haven't even got a horn! Some unicorn I am."


"All right, all right! Tell me about this horse, then--"

"--not a horse--"

"--the horse who has got a horn."

"Oh. Right, well... You're a horse, then, you're not a unicorn... But you have got a horn, like a unicorn. But you're a horse."

"So I'm a freak. All my horse mates are going to be galloping about going, 'Oh, look at him, he's got a bloody horn just like a unicorn! What a prat!"

"Well they wouldn't be saying that, because they'd already be your friends. They would have already seen your horn, you'd have had it your whole life, see."

"But I would get laughed at by anyone new I was just meeting, though, wouldn't I?"

"Well, yeah, maybe."

"But if I was a unicorn who had no horn I'd get it just as much."

"Maybe, yeah."

"Right, well... It seems to me like there's only one proper answer to this one."


"You don't know? I figured you'd have seen this coming when you thought of the question; in fact, I thought it was why you made it up. I've overestimated you."

"What, then? What have you overestimated? Which would you rather be?"

"...I think I'm going to get a cup of tea now, is what I think."

"Andy! You didn't even answer the question! Andy!"