Author's Note: So I went to the crossover stories, hoping to find one between 'Criminal Minds' and 'Dharma and Greg'. I found one. It inspired me to try to write my own. So, cup-o'-sweet-T.E.A, if you ever happen to read this, thank you.
Hotch was sitting in his office, a small stack of files on his desk. His eyes wandered to a picture of Jack, and he smiled. But that smile immediately settled into a frown as he thought of everything he's lost. His son, Haley, and everything he's never told her about... his friends, his parents, the true love of his life, his own life...
"Gregory Clifford Montgomery, get your skinny white butt down here now!" he heard a familiar woman's voice yelling from the bullpen. No, it couldn't be, he thought. I'm just low on sleep, he decided. But he had to check it out for himself.
"I'm sorry, miss," said Emily, who had approached the thin, blond woman who had been the source of the commotion. The mysterious woman was standing on a desk, which happened to be Reid's. "I don't know how you got in here, but you're going to have to leave. And I've worked here for a while now, and I don't know anybody by that name."
"Dharma?" Hotch had finally managed to use his legs to stand up and walk out of his office. He saw the woman and instantly knew her, not that he was expecting anyone else.
"Greg!" smiled the woman, waving her hand.
"Hotch?" said Emily, turning to her boss in confusion.
"What are you doing here?" asked Hotch.
"I came to find you, silly. You don't know how long it took me to track you down." She slumped down on the desk, opting to sit cross-legged.
"Well, you're slipping," said Hotch. "The first time we met, it only took you an hour to find out my name, where I worked, and how to break into my office."
"Yeah, speaking of which," said Dharma. "What's up with this whole 'Aaron Hotchner' thing? And how'd you end up here?"
"I just had to get out of there," explained Hotch. "And Pete knew a guy."
"Pete?" asked Dharma, quizzically.
"Well, he knew a guy, who knew a guy... who knew a guy."
The rest of the team approached, hearing the commotion from the other rooms. Reid frowned as he saw the woman occupying his desk.
"What's going on in here?" asked Rossi.
"Apparently," said Emily. "Hotch is keeping secrets from us. He's not even using his real name!"
"I know," said Rossi, bluntly.
"You know?" asked Emily, amazed. Did she wake up in the Twilight Zone this morning?
"Do you think the FBI would hire someone without checking up on him first?" explained Rossi.
"Aren't you gonna introduce us?" asked Dharma.
"No," said Hotch.
"Fine," she said, rolling her eyes. "I'm Dharma Finkelstein. I used to be married to Greg."
"Greg?" asked Morgan, a smile forming at the corners of his mouth.
"Morgan..." he warned.
"You two used to be married?" offered J.J.
"Yeah," said Dharma. "But we got into this huge fight. And then we found out that we weren't really married, which was weird since we had two separate ceremonies. But it turned out that both ministers had been frauds; small world, huh? And then an old friend offered me a job helping out starving children in Zimbabwe. I couldn't turn down that offer. And Greg didn't want to come with, seeings how we were still in the middle of the fight. But I'm back now, and I've been looking for him for a while. It's a lot harder when the person changes their name."
"Well," said Hotch. "Just because you're here doesn't mean you should expect us to get back together."
"What about our wedding vows?" asked Dharma. "Even if the minister wasn't real, they were."
"What about them?" said Hotch. "As I recall, I said, 'I can't believe we're doing this.' You said, 'I know. Isn't it totally rad?' So I said, 'Totally rad.' And then you said, 'Aww, that's so sweet.'"
The team tried to hide their smiles. Hearing Hotch use the word 'rad' was pretty hilarious, you had to admit.
"No," said Dharma. "Not our real wedding. The totally disastrous one Kitty threw to impress her rich friends. Remember? We snuck out during the reception. And I said: 'I, Dharma Freedom Finkelstein, promise never ever to become my mother.'"
"'Or my mother,'" said Hotch.
"'Like that's possible,'" she said, smiling. "See, you do remember. Now it's your turn. Come on. Exactly like you said it the first time."
"Fine," said Hotch, quickly glancing over at his awestruck team before returning his gaze to Dharma. "'I, Gregory Not-saying-the-middle-name Montgomery, promise that I will not bottle up my feelings for thirty years and spew them like a volcano at our children's wedding.'"
"'I always promise to let you be you, and let me be me... As long as every now and then we get to get naked and switch.'"
"Dharma!" His team wasn't holding back their laughter now.
"What?" she said, defensively. "I'm not the one who systemized a chart!"
"You can't just come waltzing in here and think everything's going to go back to the way it was. We split up ages ago."
"Actually," said Reid. "Though uncommon, it's not unheard of. Statistics show that 37% of separated couples get back together. In fact-"
"Reid!" said Morgan, elbowing him in the stomach. "Not now."
"Aw," said Dharma, looking at Reid. "He is so adorable. Can we keep him?"
"Dharma," said Hotch. "It's over."
"But I love you," said Dharma, reaching out to wrap her arms around Hotch's neck, drawing him in closer.
"But I love you."
"You can't just-"
"But I love you."
"That's really not fair," said Hotch. "You can't do that every time we have a disagreement."
"Why not?" asked Dharma.
"Because you're always gonna win," he said. He then leaned in to kiss her.
Hotch grabbed Dharma by the legs and flung her over his shoulder. He turned around towards the door and announced, "I'm feeling a little under the weather. I'm gonna take the rest of the day off.... And don't be surprised if I come in tomorrow with a wedding ring."
"Yahoo!" shouted Dharma. "I'm gonna get me some!"
They left the team staring blankly as the two disappeared through the door.
"Huh," said Emily.
"What?" asked Reid.
"I just realized, I don't know what's worse: witnessing what just happened or Garcia killing us for not calling her over," she said.
"Crap!" cried Morgan, running in the direction of Garcia's office.
"By the way, you lied," said Hotch, suddenly stopping.
"When did I lie?" asked Dharma.
"After we escaped that horrible excuse of a wedding, and you said, 'Don't take this the wrong way, but this is absolutely the last time I'm going to marry you.'"
"Whoops," said Dharma, smiling. "So I lied... Sue me."
Hotch started to to move again, but Dharma suddenly hit him lightly but meaningfully on his back. "Ooh, Honeyhoneyhoneyhoneyhoney!"
"What?" asked Hotch.
"We can never tell Larry where you work."
"Agreed. Now let's go get us a duck!"
"Alright... but Jane did it with some guy on a roller coaster last summer."
"Oh, we can beat that easy."
Author's Note: Well, there it is. I was originally going to end it with the word 'Agreed,' but then I watched the episode with the duck statue and decided to add it in. In case you don't know, Dharma and Jane had this competition of the weirdest places to have sex; whoever won, got the duck statue. I was debating with myself whether to include the last few lines, so I'd like your opinion of it.
Also, I made up Reid's statistic, in case you were wondering. But did you know that 74% of all statistics are made up.
And the guy who played Pete made had a small role in the CM episode 'Minimal Loss'. See if you can spot him!