Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. Kirk isn't mine but we're working on that.
A/N: I based this format of humor fic on one found in the Pirates of the Caribbean section after I asked that author's permission. I thought it was only logical to apply it to Star Trek. Mission to Gamus update is coming tomorrow – PROMISE.
Oh and there's no blatant K/S slash in this one. All of the events of the movie occurred exactly like in the film. Kirk didn't get much of an insight into Spock Prime's thoughts during the meld. There's no reason Kirk and Spock should be interested in each other. Spock and Uhura are even going out. But, trust me when I say this story is enjoyable for non-slashers and slashers alike. That's all I'm going to say!
Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.
The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek XI
Poof! All of the sudden the entire cast from Star Trek XI (or 2009 or Reboot or Nutrek depending on your preference) found themselves stranded in a cave on a deserted ice planet that Spock marooned Kirk on for insubordination. They plunked down on a large sofa in front of a massive plasma screen TV.
"This is most illogical," Spock muttered, wishing he had his scientific instruments to conduct an analysis of this most unusual mode of transportation.
"This is wery strange," Chekov added. Sulu agreed with him.
"Ayel, sit by meeee!" Nero squealed, yanking his Romulan buddy over to sit next to him on the couch. The Romulan villain put his arm around his subordinate and lay his head on Ayel's shoulder.
"Dude - not in front of the humans." Ayel brushed Nero off of him. "So not cool, man."
"Is anybody injured?" Dr. McCoy ran around the room, waving his medical scanner in everyone's faces. "Maybe I should give you all hypos just in case you became infected with Andorian shingles during the trip here."
"No!" Cupcake the security guard growled. "We don't need you giving us shots every five minutes!" McCoy gave a squeak of fright at the rogue Romulan and went to hide behind Kirk, not because Kirk was a good bodyguard (let's face it, Kirk always got beat up in a fight) but because supposedly Cupcake had a thing for Kirk and he would be an effective shield. (Although it could be just a rumor, you never knew.)
"Hey, where did Gaila go?" Kirk whined, frantically searching the room for his Orion bedmate.
"Excuse me, Captain," Uhura sweetly interrupted, motioning towards the screen. "But I'd appreciate it if you would lower your voice. It's starting."
Everybody took the hint and turned their attentions to the movie. And when I mean everybody, I mean Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, Scotty, Keenser, Sulu, Chekov, Gaila, Admiral Pike, Admiral Barnett, Sarek, Amanda, George, Winona, Nero, Ayel, Olson, Cupcake, Nurse Chapel, and last but certainly not least, Spock Prime.
The Paramount logo flashed across the screen, followed by the Bad Robot logo. The movie opened with the Kelvin being attacked by the Narada. Everyone watched the events that led to Jim Kirk's birth, and George and Winona's tearful goodbye. (Nero sobbed all over Ayel, who did not look pleased. Even though it was Nero who killed George in the first place, this goes to show just how out of his mind Nero was.) Uhura cuddled up next to Spock, who put his arm around her. Because in this universe, PDA for half-Vulcans was A-OK!
"You guys make me sick," Kirk grumbled as he watched Uhura reach for Spock's hand.
"I think they're cute together," said Nurse Chapel, sighing dreamily. "But if Uhura ever broke up with Spock, I'd definitely go after him."
"DID I HEAR YOU SAY 'SICK'?" McCoy's ears perked up. "Jim, you might need a cure for this sickness of yours." Bones leaped up, hypo in hand. "Nurse Chapel, quit your mooning over the hobgoblin and give me a hand!"
"Chill, Bones," sighed Kirk. "Nevermind. I'm not really sick, and certainly don't need a cure. In fact, I'm going to sit over here next to him." He pointed to Spock Prime. "At least he thinks I'm awesome." Sure enough, Spock Prime slightly smiled when Jim moved to sit next to him. Bones decided now was not the time to point out that the elderly Vulcan had most likely reached the point of senility.
On the screen, the Kelvin collided with the Narada. Thanks to George Kirk's valiant efforts, Winona and baby Jim was safe.
"Woooo, I dodged a bullet!" Kirk yelled after the scene was over.
"You're welcome, kid," said George Kirk. "It was a worthy sacrifice."
"No, Dad, I mean, I didn't have to grow up with a first name like Tiberius," Kirk explained.
"I was never really going to name you that," Winona insisted.
"Riiiiiiight," said Jim.
They watched the scene change to Iowa. Lil Kirk drove a kick ass convertible off a cliff because that totally wasn't a metaphor for how he liked to live life. Then it cut to Vulcan where Lil Spock got in a fight with some Vulcan kids because one of them told a bad 'yo mama' joke. (Kirk giggled at that, but he stopped once he saw Spock glaring at him.)
Lil Kirk and Lil Spock quickly grew into BAMFs. Kirk became a misunderstood drunken genius slacker who liked to hit on Uhura in bars. Spock grew into a stoic rebel genius scientist who told the Vulcan council to eff off and die. (Or was it live long and prosper? They sounded the same to the audience.) Spock Prime actually smiled during that scene, which, for a Vulcan, is MAJOR LIKE WOAH SIGNIFICANT. He was amused, as he'd never been brave enough to say that to the VSA council in his lifetime. After all, it was an alternate universe they were watching.
Pike somehow convinced Kirk to join Starfleet, but he didn't have to study much cause Kirk's a friggin' genius like that. As the movie progressed, it was obvious to the audience that Kirk thought about having sex with girls all the time. In case you weren't sure if the guy was interested in women, Kirk solidified your belief by impolitely staring at anything with boobs that moved. And if perhaps you somehow missed that Kirk was attracted to women, they threw in a love scene between Gaila and Kirk.
This particular scene between the Orion girl and future captain caused some problems for the audience because half the crew of the Enterprise was secretly in love with Kirk and the other half in love with Gaila. Uhura was put out by all the guys in the room drooling over the sex scene. Especially when she saw the Spock looked just as fascinated as the rest of them. Actually he looked rather blank, but she knew exactly what that telltale furrowed brow meant. It helped to remind herself that Spock had never showed any outward interest in her Orion roommate before, so she had nothing to worry about. He was just having a normal physiological reaction to visual stimulation.
After the love scene was over, Scotty got up to fix himself a sandwich. Which was really a shame, because he had to miss the part where Kirk made out with an apple whilst becoming the first Starfleet cadet to ever beat the Kobayashi Maru test. Keenser trailed after Scotty because he was Scotty's little alien shadow. (Scotty hadn't really needed the sandwich, he just needed to hightail it out of there after those racy shots of Uhura in her plain cotton underwear and bra!)
Bones nodded off and started snoring during the epic trial of Kirk vs. Spock, which earned him a smack in the head from Kirk.
"Dammit, Jim, I was trying to sleep!" McCoy growled, much to Kirk's displeasure.
"Dude, this is a hell of an important scene!" The young captain insisted. The doctor snorted at that.
"Why? All you guys do is argue and stare at each other."
"Awww, Captain Kirk, I didn't know you cared!" Admiral Barnett blubbered, as he had featured prominently in the scene acting as judge. Kirk rolled his eyes.
"It's not because of you! This scene is important because it features the awesomeness of one James Tiberius Kirk! He's a really sexy guy who saved Earth, maybe you've heard of him?"
"If only you could hear yourself, Kirk," said Uhura, shaking her head. "Narcissus had less of an ego than you, and he died from staring at his reflection for too long! And you wonder why I don't want to jump into bed with you…"
"That's Captain Kirk, Lieutenant," Kirk reprimanded her, with mock-sternness. "Do try to remember my title next time."
"Spock! I shouldn't have to stand for this," Uhura complained to her boyfriend. But Spock thought it was illogical to get involved in matters that weren't immediately related to him. So everyone got to listen to Kirk and Uhura's bickering until it was time for the Enterprise to leave space dock.
"You know, we really don't have to watch this part," Sulu insisted.
"Nonsense. Do not be embarrassed that you forgot to release the external inertial dampener," said Spock. "It is a mistake that any young, inexperienced cadet could make." Spock Prime winced.
"Tell me I was not this harsh towards others when I was his age," the elder Spock mumbled under his breath. "No wonder Kirk was my first friend!"
"You weren't friends with Uhura first?" Kirk looked at the old Vulcan in surprise.
"No I was not. We did not meet at Starfleet, as we did in this timeline," Spock Prime clarified. Kirk got a knowing look in his eyes.
"Does this mean that you didn't date Uhura either?"
"I was not interested in a romantic entanglement with Miss Uhura."
"I see," Kirk mused. "Huh. So, does this mean that I-"
"Kirk, I wouldn't have gone out with you in any universe," Uhura interrupted. Kirk shot her a wounded look.
"How did you know that's what I was going to ask?" She rolled her eyes.
"Oh please. What else would you be asking about?"
"Well now you'll never know." Kirk stuck his tongue out at her.
A/N: I hope it was at least mildly funny. School has started, and this is how I deal with stress. Mission to Gamus will be updated tomorrow if I have to kill myself.