Disclaimer: Star Trek belongs to Gene Roddenberry, and nutrek blongs to Abrams, Orci, and Kurtzman. Kirk isn't mine but we're working on that.
A/N: Finally, I finished this! Still almost done with the Mission to Gamus chapter, will post that tomorrow. I hope you think it's as funny as I do. : )
Warning: CRACK. Also, lame inside jokes for people who know Trek.
The Enterprise Gang Watches Star Trek XI
Chapter 5: Happy Ending/Sequel Speculation
Everyone watched as Spock and Uhura said their heartfelt goodbye on the transporter. Only this time the couple got to watch the scene from an objective point of view.
"Spock, we look so good together," Uhura sighed in the Vulcan's arms. Spock Prime suddenly became fascinated with his shoes, missing the scene altogether. Kirk, however, watched with rapt attention.
"Indeed we do," Spock agreed. "However, I do not understand why you had to inform me that you would be monitoring my frequency. Would you not continue to carry out the task that is part of your job?"
"I just meant that I was going to do everything I could to keep you safe," she elaborated. "I was afraid for your life, I just wanted to let you know that I was looking out for you."
"It was an illogical statement, as I am already aware of your feelings for me" Spock commented. "Becoming overly sentimental can interfere with your capabilities to perform at peak efficiency."
"Well, excuse me for caring," she snapped. "That's what humans do in situations like that. They reassure each other!"
"Guys, don't fight," Kirk protested. "You had a hot make out scene. I have to say, I was jealous. I really wanted a piece of that action." Uhura was insulted.
"How many times do I have to tell you, Kirk, I'm not going to go out with you!" she insisted. Jim rolled his eyes, turning to Spock to see what he had to say. As usual, Spock raised his trademark eyebrow.
"You were watching us kiss goodbye at the time, Jim?" Kirk scoffed.
"Uh, NO. I was just glancing in that general direction. SHEESH." Spock was not fooled by Kirk's BS.
"I would appreciate it if you would give us privacy should a similar situation occur in the future," said the Vulcan.
"Psh, privacy," Kirk mutted. "Anyone who was in the transporter room had a great view of your scene. Whatever happened to Vulcan privacy?" Spock glared at him.
"Our mission had only a 5% chance of success. We had approximately a minute left before departure and I wished to convey my gratitude to Nyota for-"
"No way," Kirk refuted. "Gratitude is what I wish to express to my grandmother for giving me the same old boring sweater every Christmas. You were expressing something to Uhura but gratitude was not it." While Kirk and Spock were arguing, it was Uhura's turn to round on Scotty, who had also been watching their goodbye with great interest.
Uhura frowned at the Chief Engineer.
"Mr. Scott, were you checking me out when I was in the middle of a heartfelt goodbye with my boyfriend?"
"I…uh…" Poor Mr. Scott turned beet red. Spock Prime chuckled to himself as Scotty tried to cover up his feelings for the beautiful communications officer. "I confess, I was watching ye. But I couldn't help it! Ye were right there in front of my station. What was I supposed to do, turn around?"
"Yes, that would have been more polite," she said in all seriousness. "Spock and I were having a special moment."
"Aye, lass," Scotty sighed rather dejectedly. "I do feel a bit guilty about that. Maybe I can do something to make up for my offense. Do ye like small furry animals?" Uhura shrugged.
"I guess so. Why?" Scotty immediately produced a tribble that was hanging out in his jacket pocket and handed it to Uhura.
"OMG, it's so cuuuuuute!" She sighed, and the tribble trilled in contentment. "Can I keep him?"
"Her," Scotty corrected. "Her name is Fluffy Bunny and aye, ye may keep her. Just don't feed her after midnight or expose her to bright lights and you'll be fine."
"Thanks, Scotty!" Uhura exclaimed, hugging the tribble to her cheek. It increased its soft cooing sound, almost like a purr. "I forgive you. I love Fluffy Bunny! I'm going to take good care of you, yes I am!" Uhura continued to talk baby talk to the tribble until Bones intervened.
"Can we get back to watching the movie now?" the doctor complained. "All of this cutesy stuff is giving me a headache."
"Sure, Bonesy," Kirk commented, slapping him on the back. He and Spock had tabled their argument, for now.
"Spock, look at Fluffy Bunny!" Uhura squealed, handing the tribble to the Vulcan. "Isn't she the most adorable thing ever?"
"Very nice," Spock commented. "However, I am immune to the effects the tribble produces on humans. I do not find her 'cute' or 'adorable'. Nevertheless, Spock kept petting the tribble anyway. Kirk chuckled at the rather adorable scene, watching as the Vulcan crooned nonsense words to the tribble under his breath, before returning his attention to the movie.
They all watched as Kirk and Spock were beamed aboard the Narada, materializing in the Romulan infested cargo bay. Immediately they pulled out their phasers and initiated a phaser fight with the Romulans.
"Look, Spock, that Romulan looks like he could be your brother," Kirk commented as the camera zoomed in on the first Romulan to discover them. (A/N: That Romulan is played by ZQ's brother, Joe. Tis funny, no?)
"Oh my Surak, what if it WAS my brother?" Spock cried. Kirk frowned.
"You actually have a brother?"
"Well, I have a half brother. His name is Sybok and he left Vulcan when I was three years of age," Spock sniffed. "He was a genius."
"So are you," Kirk reminded him. "You're plenty logical and shit. And you have cool telepathic powers."
"Not like Sybok," Spock shook his head. "He was full Vulcan. He had more telepathic powers than I did. It made him very powerful. I hardly measured up in comparison."
"That wasn't your brother, son," Sarek reassured Spock. "Even Sybok isn't crazy enough to join forces with future Romulans."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Spock Prime mumbled. "He did hijack the Enterprise in a quest to find God, once."
"And how did that work out?" Kirk wondered.
"That is not for your ears," Spock Prime gently chided. "I will say despite how interesting it sounds, it was probably our dullest adventure ever. Although, my captain and I had a memorable moment of our own in front of the Klingons." Kirk's curiosity was peaked.
"For the love of God and all that is holy, don't ask, Jim," Bones pleaded. Jim crossed his arms over his chest and glared defiantly at Bones.
Returning their attention to the movie, everyone watched as Spock and Kirk worked as a team to defeat the Romulans with their phasers. Then they discovered the Vulcan ship, the Jellyfish, that Spock Prime had flown on his journey to the past. They took refuge inside the Vulcan ship while they made last minute plans. Spock decided to fly the Vulcan ship into the Narada and Kirk decided to rescue Captain Pike before Spock damaged the Narada.
"Ooh look, I found the secret IDIC!" Kirk crowed, pointing toward the blue glass window. "See there's the big circle, and Spock's chair is the triangle and-"
"You know what an IDIC is?" Spock said, surprised. "I did not believe you knew anything about Vulcan culture! All you care about is yourself."
"Spock, you have got to stop underestimating me," Kirk insisted.
"He's right, you know," Spock Prime added. "In time you will discover many things about James T. Kirk, many of which will pleasantly surprise you."
"Forgive me for not jumping for joy," said Spock.
Onscreen, Spock was still speaking to Kirk.
"If I do not return, please tell Nyota…"
"Spock, it'll work," Kirk insisted. Uhura frowned and turned to Spock.
"What were you going to ask him to tell me?"
"I wanted to make sure you knew that if I did not make it back, you were free to finish off my leftover plomeek soup. I did not want it to go to waste," Spock explained.
"Oh," she said, sounding disappointed.
In the movie, Spock did his thing with the Vulcan ship while Kirk went after Pike. However, before he could find Pike, he ran across Nero. But instead of just shooting the man, Kirk warned him to surrender.
"Jim, I did not know you had the opportunity to shoot the man who killed your father and instead you showed him mercy," said Spock. "That is not logical. I thought you of all people would have-"
"You thought wrong," Kirk interrupted. "I may be many things, but I do not kill in cold blood." Spock stared at his captain with the utmost respect. After all, Spock certainly had no qualms about killing Nero after what he'd done to cause Vulcan's implosion and the death of his mother.
As Kirk got beat up and tossed around by Nero and Ayel, Spock Prime visibly winced. He did not enjoy watching the young version of his old friend be harmed in any way. Finally, Kirk was able to defeat the Romulans and rescue Pike, who had his own BAMF moment when he grabbed Kirk's phaser to gun down a stray Romulan about to shoot Kirk when his back was turned.
"That's right, I've still got it," Pike said smugly.
Then Kirk called the Enterprise to beam him and Pike the hell outta there. They soon materialized on the transporter next to Spock, who had crashed his ship into the Narada as promised. Even though they were exhausted, Kirk and Spock still were on duty so they headed for the bridge. Kirk offered assistance to Nero if he wanted it, but Nero wasn't down with that. So they tore his ship apart, causing it to get sucked into the black hole. Unfortunately, the Enterprise was slowly being sucked into the same black hole. Scotty had a genius moment when he detonated the warp cores to propel them away from the forces of the black hole, allowing the ship to break free.
"Look, I saved us all!" Scotty exclaimed. Keenser patted Scotty's knee cause that was about all he could reach.
"We were lucky we found you at the outpost on Delta Vega. What were the odds that I'd find you AND Spock Prime on the same planet?" Kirk deadpanned.
"Approximately six thousand five hundred-"
"Spock, it was a rhetorical question," Kirk groaned.
"Of course, I knew that, Captain."
A few days later, it was time for Kirk's promotion ceremony. Everyone cheered as their captain received his medal of honor. Spock, however, had not been present during Kirk's ceremony. Instead, he'd been meeting with his future self.
"What the HELL?" Kirk protested as they watched the scene between the two Spocks. He rounded on Spock Prime. "You told me that if I told Spock about you, the world would end or something bad like that." Spock Prime gave Kirk a small, impish grin.
"I did not. You inferred that on your own."
"I regret ever teaching you how to cheat," Kirk groaned.
Onscreen, Spock Prime finished telling his younger self about the friendship that he and Kirk were destined to have. It would define them both, in ways they could not yet realize.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Spock asked.
"You will discover that in time," said Spock Prime.
"Oh yes, we will," Kirk agreed, waggling his eyebrows at Spock, who looked away in annoyance.
The scene changed. Kirk was wearing command gold, and the Enterprise was about to depart for her first mission under command of Captain James T. Kirk. Everyone was at their usual stations – Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, and even Bones was present. The only one missing from the GQMF bunch was Spock. But he showed up just as soon as Kirk finished saying 'thrusters'. Go figure.
During the part where Spock asked for permission to come aboard the Enterprise and Kirk granted him permission, there was a sad sniffle from the end of the couch. It was Spock Prime!
"It is most illogical to display emotion," said Spock.
"Indeed," said Sarek. Both Vulcans turned their disapproving gazes on Spock Prime.
"Spock, I think you need to go easier on him," said Kirk, gesturing to the ambassador. "He's been through a lot. Also, I think I like him better than you right now. You're more fun when you're old." Spock tried not to take offense at this remark.
"Ambassador Spock, what's the matter?" Uhura wanted to know, feeling sorry for the old Vulcan. But the ambassador didn't give her any clues – his shoulders just kept shaking.
"I think he's missing the Kirk from his timeline," Jim inferred.
"You are correct." Spock Prime admitted. "We often said those exact words on numerous occasions over the years."
"How did you know that, Jim?" Bones wondered.
"It's the only time Old Spock ever gets emotional," said Kirk, pulling Spock Prime in for a hug. "They were BFFs after all."
"Like that will happen," said Spock.
The movie came to a close with one last look at the bridge crew of the Enterprise. Bones pressed 'stop' and the viewscreen went blank.
Except for a muttered "fascinating", no one said a word. They all just sat and stared.
"Well I had an epic death," Olson said finally.
"Dude, your death was stupid." Kirk said.
"Not to mention unnecessary," Spock added.
"I know." Olson hung his head. "But wasn't it cool how I burst into a flaming ball of death? It was almost as cool as the time when I got to say 'that's the best pirate I've ever seen' in a Johnny Depp movie…"
"No it wasn't cool, fool!" Sulu growled, sounding uncharacteristically ghetto. "You had the charges! We could've been killed thanks to your stupidity!"
"Wait a sec, Olson, how is it that are you here?" Kirk wanted to know. "You're supposed to be dead. In fact, who else here is really dead?" Meekly, George, Amanda, Gaila, Nero, and Ayel raised their hands.
"There's no way to put this nicely, but… GET THE HELL OUT!" Bones cried. "I'm a doctor, not an undertaker!"
"James, what about me? I'm your father!" George pleaded. Kirk shrugged.
"Rules are rules. Except Gaila can stay, on grounds that she's hot and we don't really know whether she died or not."
"Goodbye, Sarek, my love! Stay logical when I'm gone!" Amanda bid her husband a final farewell. (As if Sarek knew how to be anything but logical.)
"Miss you, babe," George Kirk said to his wife.
"George, don't leave me!" Winona cried. "I need you!"
"Psh, woman!" George held up his hand. "You've got FRANK now. You settled for a crappy replacement! I wanted you to be happy, but noooooooooo." George was done with mortals – in heaven he didn't have to deal with this shit. Shuffling their feet, the deceased left the cave and went toward the light. Kirk received massive death glares from Spock, Sarek, and Winona.
"Thanks, Jimmy, for letting me stay!!" Gaila gave Kirk a massive hug.
"Careful of the neck!" Kirk croaked. "I'm still a little sore because SOMEBODY decided it was a good idea to choke the life outta me." He glared right back at Spock.
"With all that glaring going on between you two, I'm beginning to see strange flares of light," Bones grumbled. "It's really annoying."
Out of nowhere, Chekov burst into tears.
"Pavel, what's the matter?" Sulu said, sounding concerned.
"I miss Russia and I'm the only sewenteen year old on the ship!" Chekov sobbed. "I just feel so inadequate compared to you guys. I barely have any experience in space." Sulu gave him a hug and he felt better. Chekov decided to always go to Sulu whenever he was feeling angsty because the guy was nice enough to listen. And he gave good hugs. And cuddles. Chekov liked to cuddle, especially with Sulu.
"So…" said Kirk, not really sure how to react to an emotional Chekov. He really wanted to change the subject. Luckily, Bones did that for him.
"Where do you think the Enterprise crew will go from here, Jim?" Bones wanted to know.
"Who cares?" Kirk answered, ever flippant. "All I know is, I'm the youngest captain in the fleet and I'm in command of the flagship. I've wanted the Enterprise ever since I laid eyes on her in that shipyard in Iowa. And nothing or no one is ever going to come between me and her."
No one noticed as Spock Prime visibly twitched.
"I just hope you don't try to steal Nyota away from Spock," Scotty ventured.
"Even I'm not that much of a bastard," said Kirk, shaking his head. "They're in a committed relationship. I can control my jealousy. But if Nyota and Spock do break up, well…" He shot them the famous Kirk smirk. "All's fair in love and war."
"I'll fight ye for her if I ha' to, Captain!" Scotty insisted. "Cause, really, if I was able to date Nyota, I'd give her all I've got. Would you really do the same?" Kirk just shook his head. Scotty was really missing the point.
"Uh, I'm right here?" Uhura pointed out, waving at them. "I'll make my own choices about who I'm going to date, thank you very much."
"You know, I'll bet there's going to be a lot of male bonding between Kirk and Spock in the sequel, since you guys are supposed to become BFFs and all," Pike interjected, not wanting Uhura to get too riled up.
"Pardon me?" Spock's eyebrows flew up to his forehead. "Please elaborate on the subject of male bonding."
"Like competitive stuff – seeing who has the better ratings from the crew, playing chess, drinking competitions, etc." Kirk cut in. "You know, buddy things."
"Ah. Yes, of course," said Spock, looking relieved. Kirk chuckled.
"What did you think I meant?" Spock didn't answer, although his older counterpart had been seized by yet another major coughing fit. Spock Prime, for one, really hoped he lived long enough to see the sequel. He couldn't wait to see this universe's take on his and Kirk's epic friendship. And the male bonding sounded interesting too.
A/N: This madness has come to an end! Tell me what you thought!!