Drunk By RandomNinjaMetal
A Note From The Author: I've decided to, on occasion, upload the various idiotic incomplete things I've written- thus, this. I wrote this last year, as part of my abandoned fic, 'The Vengence Of Idiots.' I stumbled across it while going through my hard drive and discovered that, while the plot is useless, I actually liked the writing. Besides, having just barely turned 21... well, it amused me. Thus, I decided to publish it, with a few minor edits. It's a dumb story about two dumb guys- enjoy. One more note; there are some minor issues here that I'm aware of but didn't feel like fixing, so please don't nag me on technical matters.
Alcohol, like many other things, is an Earth-only invention. As a result, Seppukumaru had never tried it until his objectives had led him to team up with Jurokubei.
Jurokubei, on the other hand, was an experienced drinker. While by no means an alcoholic, he did have a habit of drinking a bit more than he probably should. Between the fact that Seppukumaru wasn't used to metabolizing the stuff and Jurokubei's tendency to overindulge, when the two men drank, they drank. And so, late one evening, these two particular men were very drunk indeed.
"It's not that I hate Bismaru or anything, I really don't," Jurokubei, laying on his back on the floor of his room, said to the ceiling. "His devotion is quite flattering. I just can't handle ugly people."
Seppukumaru, who was sitting on the floor but had propped himself up against the wall, started laughing. He tried to take another drink of the way-too-expensive-to-be-abused-like-this wine that they had already killed a considerable amount of, but between the laughing and poor coordination he ended up with more on the floor than anywhere else.
"That's the problem with the world. Too many ugly people, and they all want to get a piece of the attractive people. It's quite disheartening," Jurokubei ranted, glaring up at the ceiling as though it was the source of his problems. "I need another drink."
Seppukumaru shook his head. "You can't do it laying down like that."
Sitting up slowly to prevent the room from spinning quite as much, Jurokubei then attempted to stand. When he was about halfway up he proceeded to fall over, half landing on Seppukumaru.
"You look like an idiot, Shishi," he said. This started him laughing again, and he set down the bottle so that his hands would be free to grab Jurokubei and lean him against the wall beside him. Jurokubei didn't appreciate being handled, but he was far too drunk to push Sepukumaru's hands away, so instead he just leaned back where he had been set and grabbed the wine.
After finishing off the bottle, he went back to his rant. "No one gets it. It's a burden, being both good looking and smart. Everyone, everyone wants something from me!"
"I get it, I get it," Seppukumaru said as he fumbled with a corkscrew, trying to keep a grip on it long enough to open the next bottle.
"No you don't, Harakiri," Jurokubei said, leaning in so that he could whisper, "You might be good-looking, but you're stupid. Really stupid. Do you think Shishi Jurokubei hasn't figured you out? I know what you're doing."
"And what's that, Shi?" Seppukumaru asked, his voice mocking as he pointed the corkscrew at the other man's neck, using it to push him away.
"You're hiding things from me. You brought me into this with false pretenses, and you haven't told me everything you know," he knocked the corkscrew out of Seppukumaru's hand and grabbed the bottle from him, and, after a few false tries, managed to get it open.
"You think you've figured it out? You have no idea. I know things you couldn't even begin to guess," Seppukumaru said, snatching the bottle back and taking a big drink. "I think you're the one that's stupid here."
Jurokubei paused for a moment, as if thinking, "nope… It's definitely you."
Seppukumaru smacked him in the arm and went back to his drinking.
Glaring, Jurokubei slowly stood up, using the wall as a support. "That's how you want to do it? Get up, Shishi Jurokubei will destroy you right now!"
He shook his head. "Can't fight. Drinking. I'd own you, anyway."
"Come on, get up!" Juurokubei demanded. Without looking away from the bottle, Seppukumaru's left arm shoved in the other man's general direction, managed to connect, and sent Jurokubei back to the floor.
"You're hilarious, Shishi. We should have been friends."
"Yeah," he agreed from his spot on the floor, "We should have."