Summary: Alice asks a vampires most feared Question, with unexpected results.
A:n/ ok quickly before you start reading, I based this on a Kingdom Hearts Comic Called 'Demy's Question.' Spoonychan has done a dub of it which is hilarious, so check it out: D
Disclaimer: sadly, I do not own Twilight or the idea of 'demy's' question'.
A question had been playing on Alice Cullen's mind all night. A question so in depth, and mind boggling, she hadn't said a word to anyone all night.
And this worried them.
She decided that enough was enough; she was going to find an answer to her question and fast. Spying Jasper outside sitting under a tree, one leg bent and the other stretched out, his head leaning back onto the trunk, She almost skipped over to him and perched herself on his lap.
"Jasper can I ask you something?" his head almost lolled forward due to the pure laziness that Jasper was enjoying for today, and he smiled. "Of course. Fire away."
Alice wet her lips and scraped her teeth along the bottom lip, folding her hands on her lap. "I feel a bit stupid for asking." Jasper chuckled and moved a stray spike off of her forehead. "It's never stopped you asking me for anything before." This gave Alice the confidence she needed and she took a deep breath.
"Where do babies come from?"
Now Jaspers reaction would be considered funny if it were to a different question, but Alice was horrified as Jasper physically went blue and started to shudder violently. "Oh my god, Jasper are you okay?!" she said gripping his face and forcing him to calm down. She decided that asking him probably wasn't the best idea.
About an hour later she was still looking for an answer to her question, and Jasper had since recovered and was now in his room, visibly shaken from his pixies ludicrous question. Alice was almost uncertain about asking Edward, but he was one of the smartest in the family, maybe he would know. He was in the living room, watching TV with Emmett. Alice cleared her throat and motioned for Edward to come over.
"What is it Alice?"
"Its very important I can assure you. Edward…where do babies come from?"
Edwards's eyes went wide and Emmett's bark of hysterical laughter was the only noise in the room for a while. Edward then swallowed hard and took Alice's hands in his.
"Well, how do I put this? When two people fall in love…" he had to stop as Alice's eyes lit up at the word 'love'. God, this so wasn't his forte. Where was Jasper when he needed him?
"They….um…they…" Emmett was still laughing, but Edward would get the last laugh as he had an epiphany.
"A stork comes down and rewards them with a baby because of their love….and yeah." Alice's face made his drop. Who was he to think she would believe that?
Emmett didn't even believe Edwards response and for once was completely silent as he waited for Alice's reaction.
"Tsk...Eddie Eddie Eddie, do you honestly think I'm that dumb? Obviously a stork is not strong enough a bird to hold a baby. And babies might get airsick flying with it...Heh, thanks anyway." She said giving him a hug.
"Innocence is golden Alice, stick with it." Edward said and he returned the hug. Alice straightened and beamed. "You know what, I'll just ask James. Bye bye Eddie." She said running from the room.
Edward and Emmett looked at each other in horror. "JAMES?!"
Alice had looked everywhere for James. She turned over every rock, checked every book, hell even checked in bellas underwear draw. He was nowhere to be found.
She found Edward and Jasper 'casually' 'hanging out' in Jasper and Alice' room, Jasper leaning on her wardrobe, and Edward just almost pacing. She came over, a sad look on her face.
"Guys have you seen James?" she watched their faces and they both had nervous looks.
"Work." Edward said.
"With Victoria." Jasper said at the exact same time. They looked daggers at each other. Jasper comprised.
"At work with Victoria." Alice looked even sadder. "Aww ok." And she walked away to find Rosalie, another source she had.
Jasper groaned and put his head in his hands, whilst Edward smirked. "It could've been worse." Jasper was about to retort when the Wardrobe behind him shook. They both whirled and opened the doors to reveal James gagged and tied.
"We knew what you would tell Alice James. It had to be done. You dirty bastard! You're not coming out until this is over!" and the wardrobe doors promptly shut again.
Rosalie was brushing her hair when Alice knocked on the door. She found it a bit of an irritant, since she made sure her blonde locks had at least 100 brush strokes a day, and she was only on 56. "Come in." she huffed, and Alice opened the door a crack and weaved around it.
"What is it Alice? Can't you see I'm busy?" Alice nodded shyly but still continued. Instead her plan fell to dust and she literally lunged at Rosalie, clamping her arms around her waist like a vice. "Rosie, please, tell me where babies come from!"
Rosalie glared at her for not just the reason that Alice called her Rosie; she had just ruffled her hair. She would have to start all over again now. She pried Alice from her and plonked her down on her vanity stool.
"Fine whatever. Well Alice…" Rosalie started in her "birds and bees" discussion, but somewhere along the line she had lost Alices attention, and the little pixie had entertained herself by trying all the lotions and potions Rosalie had behind her back.
Rosalie finished and turned around, noticing her sister wasn't listening.
"Alice, have you payed ANY attention to me these past…" she glanced at the clock. "Half an hour?!" even Rosalie was surprised and how long she had taken. But when Alice turned around with one cheek covered in blush, one eye on the other side done with Eyeliner and a lipstick in her hand, Rosalie turned sour.
"Yeah, totally listening….just not really understanding…" Alice shuffled in her seat and Rosalie grinded her teeth. "GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" she screeched, and Alice promptly scurried out of her room.
She had no choice but to ask the doctor.
No, not doctor as in , doctor as in Carlisle! She skipped to his office and lightly tapped on the door. After a cheerful 'come in', Alice brightened and went inside, explaining her predicament.
Carlisle beamed at his youngest, liking the fact she was interested in such a subject. "Well Alice, even though I don't specialize in Babies and maternal affairs, I'll be happy to help. Now, when two people love each other…"
Alice was also beaming "I like love."
Carlisle chuckled. "So do I. now, where was I…oh yes! When two people fall in love, they have something called sexual intercourse, which of course you and jasper know all about." And Alice confirmed this by the way her tongue was petruding slightly through her grin.
Carlisle went on to explain what actually happened, and Alice was grinning no more, if anything, as Carlisle went on, her face dropped into a look of absolute horror. Carlisle had pulled one of his books from the shelf and opened it at a page.
"This Alice is a Penis." Alice looked like she was about to throw up. "Oh my gosh…"
"Jasper and Emmett are examples of people with penises." Alice's eyes went wide. "J…Jasper!" she couldn't believe her ears. She just thought that Jasper put a spell on her. Just shows how naïve she really was.
Carlisle eventually finished his talk, and closed the book. "Now that's everything I know Alice. Oh wait..One more thing." Alice didn't know what other torture he could inflict on her. She braced herself, preparing for the worst…
"Us CONDOMS, especially with Jasper being as sexually active as he is. And believe me, he is. Heaven knows who he's had sex with." Alice couldn't take anymore. She got up, tears streaking her little face.
"I HATE YOU CARLISLE!" she said running out and slamming the door to her bedroom shut, shoving the pillow over her head to erase everything she had just heard.
Later that day Jasper had stupidly challenged Edward to a game of chess, and was frustrated because he was losing big time. It didn't help that Alice had bent down beside the table, her eyes big and a pout on her lips, distracting him every five seconds.
Alice was also getting frustrated because Jasper wouldn't give in and ask her what was wrong. "Hello?! Am I invisible?! I SAID POUT DAMMIT!" And to make her point she grabbed the chess piece that was in Jaspers hand and put in down her bra, making him look. Jasper got up finally.
"Ali, what's wrong?" he said looking down directly into his loves eyes, that were filling with tears.
"Well today's been horrible. well, I wanted to know where babies come from, and after I asked you I asked Edward, but somehow we ended up talking bout birds. Then I went to ask James, but no-one knew where he was, so instead I asked rose, but I tried on her make up so she yelled at me, so I decided to go to Carlisle…"
Jasper didn't like where this was going.
"And he told me all this horrible stuff about what happens when we ….do it. And he said I should use a condom with you because apparently you're really sexually active and he doesn't know who you've had sex with. And he said…..PENIS!" Alice broke down in Jaspers arms while his lips turned into a thin line.
Alice never did find out where babies come from, but one thing was for sure….she loved finding out how to make one with Jasper.