MST3K: Star Wars: The Phantom Menace

By: McCord

Disclaimer: In no way am I claiming that the Episode I script is mine. It is Lucas', through and through. I'm just borrowing it for entertainment value. Also, the characters therein are also Lucas', and the characters of Mike, Tom, and Crow are the property of whoever owns MST3K. Please don't sue.




Setting: SOL Theater

(Crow, Mike, and Tom enter and sit)

TOM: So, Mike, why exactly are we here?

MIKE: I'm not really sure. Must be punishment for destroying Dr. F's Slave Leia cardboard standup.

SERVO: But why Episode I? It's a decent movie.

MIKE: Two words: Jar-Jar

BOTS (together): Ahhhh….

(Movie begins to roll)


EXT. SPACE (FX)

TITLE CARD: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....

TOM: …an annoying creature named Jar-Jar Binks was born. And…

MIKE: Um, Tom, it's a little early for the Jar-Jar jokes. You'll have plenty of time later.

TOM: Oh, okay.


A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the main title, followed by a roll-up, which crawls

CROW (as baby): Goo-goo?

into infinity.

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACE

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.

MIKE: Oh, so the movie's about the Democratic national convention.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy

MIKE: Oh, never mind. It's the Republican national convention.

Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo. While the congress of the Republic endlessly depates this alarming

ALL: WHOOP! WHOOP!

chain of events, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict....

PAN DOWN to reveal a small space cruiser heading TOWARD CAMERA at great speed.

ALL: Ahhh! It's coming right for us!

PAN with the cruiser as it heads toward the beautiful green planet of Naboo, which is surrounded by hundreds of Trade Federation battleships.

TOM: Which all attack it one at a time, allowing the planet to fend every one of them off, like Jackie Chan.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT

In the cockpit of the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT maneuver closer to one of the battleships.

QUI-GON: (off-screen voice) Captain

CROW (Kirk): …log, star date 1.543.69.A. These are the voyages…

(Mike clamps his hand over Crow's beak)

MIKE: It's also way too early for the Star Trek jokes.


The CAPTAIN turns to an unseen figure sitting behind her.

CAPTAIN: Yes, sir?

QUI-GON: (V.O.) Tell them we wish

ALL (singing): When you wish upon a star…

to board at once.

CAPTAIN: Yes, sir.

The CAPTAIN looks to her view screen, where NUTE GUNRAY, a Neimoidian trade viceroy, waits for a reply.

CAPTAIN: (Cont'd) With all due respect for the Trade Federation,

CROW (Captain): Yeah, right.

the Ambassadors for the Supreme Chancellor wish to board immediately.

NUTE: Yes, yes, of course...ahhh...as you know, our blockade is perfectly legal, and we'd be happy

TOM (Nute): If you'd just piss off.

to receive the Ambassador...Happy to.

The screen goes black. Out the cockpit window, the sinister battleship looms even closer.

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY-SPACE (FX)

The small space cruiser docks in the enormous main bay of the Federation battleship.

MIKE (Space cruiser to Federation battleship): Are you my mother?

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-DOCKING BAY-SPACE

A PROTOCOL DROID, TC-14, waits at the door to the docking bay.

CROW (TC-14): Wow, I actually got as much screen time as C-3PO!

The door opens, and the Republic cruiser can be seen in the docking bay. Two darkly robed figures are greeted by TC-14.

MIKE (dark robed figured): I claim sanctuary.

TC-14: I'm TC-14 at your service. This way, please.

TOM (Igor): Walk this way, Master.

They move off down the hallway.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

A door slides open, and the two cloaked shapes are led PAST CAMERA into the formal conference room by TC-14.

TC-14:I hope your honored sirs will be most comfortable here. My master will be with you shortly.

CROW (Qui-Gon): Yes, well, we have a TALL order of business to discuss with your master.

MIKE and TOM groan.

MIKE: That was horrible.


The droid bows before OBI-WAN KENOBI and QUI-GON JINN. He backs out the door and it closes. The JEDI lower their hoods

MIKE (Jedi): Hmmm… everything looks fine with your engine. You sure you had enough gas?

CROW: Oh, that was MUCH better than mine.


and look out a large window at the lush green planet of Naboo. QUI-GON, sixty years old, has very long dark hair. He is tall and striking,

TOM (Peter Gammons): And I must say the striking veteran righty from Coruscant, Qui-Gon Jinn, is the favorite for the Cy Young this year. 'Striking,' get it? Huh? Hey, where'd everyone go?

with blue eyes. OBI-WAN is twenty-five, with very short brown hair, bale skin, and blue eyes. Several exotic, bird-like creatures SING in a cage near the door.

OBI-WAN: I have a bad feeling about this.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): Oh, that starts this mission off on a postive note.

QUI-GON: I don't sense anything.

OBI-WAN: It's not about the mission, Master, it's something...elsewhere...elusive...

TOM: Then why the hell are you worrying about it?!

QUI-GON: Don't center on your anxiety, Obi-Wan. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.

OBI-WAN: Master Yoda says I should be mindful of the future...

CROW (Obi-Wan): Of course, Yoda also says that he's Humphrey Bogart, but that's besides the point.

QUI-GON: ...but not at the expense of the moment. Be mindful of the living Force, my young Padawan.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): What'd you call me? Where I'm from, them's fightin' words, mister.

OBI-WAN: Yes, Master... How do you think this trade viceroy will deal with the Chancellor's demands

TOM (Obi-Wan): …that he participate in the annual BBQ cook off to settle this whole trade dispute thingy?

QUI-GON: These Federation types are cowards. The negotiations will be short.

(Mike clamps down on Crow's beak before another short/tall joke can be uttered.)

TOM: Thank you.


INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NUTE GUNRAY and DAULTRY DOFINE stand, stunned,

MIKE: after smoking the biggest joint they'd ever seen in their life.

TOM: Mike, it said 'stunned,' not 'stoned.'

MIKE: Oh. Oops.


before TC-14.

CROW (Alotta Fagina): How dare you break wind before me!

NUTE:(shaken)

TOM: ...not stirred.

What?!? What did you say?

TOM (TC-14): Are you deaf or something?

TC-14: The Ambassadors are Jedi Knights, I believe.

MIKE (TC-14): Of course, that's what I believe. You could believe they are giant cockroaches from Zarquon VI and I couldn't dispute it, for that is what they are to you.

DOFINE: I knew it! They were sent to force a settlement, eh. Blind me,

Crow pokes Dofine in the eyes.

we're done for!

NUTE: Stay calm! I'll wager

MIKE (Nute): …the droid army and my class ring that you don't have anything to beat my full house.

the Senate isn't aware of the Supreme Chancellor's moves here. Go. Distract them until I can contact Lord Sidious.

DOFINE:Are you brain dead?

ALL: Obviously.

I'm not going in there with two Jedi! Send the droid.

CROW (Marvin): Of course, send the droid. Who cares about a droid?

DOFINE turns to TC-14, who lets out a squeaky sigh.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN sit at the large conference table.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): Check. Your move.

OBI-WAN: Is it their nature to make us wait this long?

The door to the conference room slides open, and TC-14 enters with a tray of drinks and food.

QUI-GON: No...I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as

CROW: Trivial Pursuit?

TOM: Win Ben Stein's Money?

MIKE: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?


this trade dispute.

ALL: Oh.

OBI-WAN takes a drink.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): Hmm… this coffee tastes like crap.

CROW (Qui-Gon): That's because it is crap.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): Oh, good, it's not just me then. (sips again) Kind of nutty.


(Mike, Crow, and Tom stand to leave)

MIKE: This isn't so bad so far.

TOM: That's just because we haven't gotten to Jar-Jar.

MIKE: Unfortunately, you've hit the nail on the head with that one.





(Mike, Tom, and Crow reenter)

MIKE: Well, here we go again.

TOM: Oh, lucky us.

CROW: We're going to have to see Jar-Jar this time 'round, right?


INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NUTE, DOFINE, and RUNE HAAKO are before the hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS, a robed figure whose face is obscured by a hood.

MIKE: It's the Phantom of the Opera!

DOFINE: ...This scheme of yours has failed, Lord Sidious.

TOM (Dofine): As will your friends…

CROW (Sidious): Hey! That's a good line! I'll have to remember that for 'Return of the Jedi'!


The blockade is finished! We dare not go against these Jedi.

DARTH SIDIOUS: You seem more worried about the Jedi than you are of me, Dofine. I am amused... Viceroy!

MIKE (Sidious): But not amused enough! Dance for me… and one, and two…

NUTE, looking very nervous, steps

CROW: … on his shoe lace and falls flat on his face.

forward.

NUTE: Yes, My Lord.

DARTH SIDIOUS: I don't want that stunted slime

ALL: Ouch

in my sight again...do you understand?

NUTE Yes, My Lord.

Nute gives DOFINE a fierce look, and DOFINE, terrified, rushes off the bridge.

DARTH SIDIOUS: This turn of events is unfortunate.

CROW (Sidious): With John dead, the Beatles will never get back together.

We must accelerate our plans, Viceroy. Begin landing your troops.

NUTE:Ahhh, My Lord, is that...legal?

TOM (Nute): I mean, I want to be big and muscular like Mark McGuire as much as the next person, but steroids? I don't know…

DARTH SIDIOUS: I will make it legal.

MIKE (Sidious): Soon, a deep romantic love between a man and his donkey will be… um, did I say that outloud?

NUTE: And the...Jedi??

DARTH SIDIOUS: The Chancellor should never have brought them into this. Kill them, immediately.

NUTE: Ye...yes, My Lord. As you wish.

CROW (Lando): This deal's getting worse all the time.

INT. REPUBLIC CRUISER-COCKPIT-DOCKING BAY

In the cockpit of the cruiser, the CAPTAIN and PILOT look up and see a gun turret swing

TOM (gun turret): Push me! I want to go higher! Higher!

around and point directly at them

PILOT: Captain!? Look!!

MIKE (Pilot): It's Alicia Silverstone! Can I get her autograph?

CAPTAIN: No! Warn...

EXT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HANGAR BAY-SPACE (FX)

The battleship gun fires. The Republic cruiser EXPLODES.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-CONFERENCE ROOM

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN leap to a standing position

BOTS: (snickering)

MIKE: Huh? Hey, behave…


with their lightsabers drawn. TC-14 jumps back, startled, spilling the drinks on its tray.

TC-14: Ahhh...Sorry, sir. The Viceroy...

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN turn off their swords and listen intently. A faint hissing sound

CROW (Crocodile Hunter): That there is the mating call of the dangerous pink rattle snake, one of the three most dangerous snakes in the world.

can be heard.

OBI-WAN: Gas!

TOM (Qui-Gon): Sorry, my fault.

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN each take a sudden deep breath and hold it. The exotic bird-like creatures in the cage drop dead.

MIKE (John Cleese): This is an ex-parrot!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY

A hologram of NUTE, surrounded by BATTLE DROIDS,

TOM: Man, this guy has a kick-ass entourage.

appears in the conference room hallway.

NUTE: They must be dead by now. Blast what's left of them.

The hologram fades off, as a BATTLE DROID, OWO-1, cautiously opens the door. A deadly green cloud billows from the room.

TOM (Qui-Gon): I said I was sorry!

BATTLE DROIDS cock their weapons as a figure stumbles out of the smoke.

MIKE (drunk): Whoa, that's one killer party.

It is TC-14, carrying the tray of drinks.

TC-14: Oh, excuse me, so sorry.

The PROTOCOL DROID passes the armed camp just as two flashing lightsabers fly out of the deadly fog,

TOM (Qui-Gon): Okay, okay! I had Taco Bell for lunch! I said I was sorry twice now!

cutting down several BATTLE DROIDS before they can fire.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

The bridge is a cacophony of alarms.

ALL: WHOOP! WHOOP!

NUTE and RUNE watch OWO-1 on the view screen.

OWO-1:...Not sure exactly what...

OWO-1 is suddenly cut in half in mid-sentence. RUNE gives NUTE a worried look.

NUTE: What in blazes

CROW (Smokey): Only you can prevent forest fires.

is going on down there?

RUNE: Have you ever encountered a Jedi Knight before, sir?

TOM (Nute): Well, once, but I was really drunk, and I woke up the next morning… um, no, never.

NUTE: Well, not exactly, but I don't...(panicked) Seal off the bridge...

RUNE: That won't be enough, sir.

CROW (Nute): Well, thank you Captain Obvious.

The doors to the bridge SLAM shut.

NUTE: I want destroyer droids up here at once!!!

RUNE: We will not survive this.

MIKE (Hitler): Here, try this cyanide capsule. It got me out of a similar situation.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY-OUTSIDE BRIDGE

QUI-GON cuts several BATTLE DROIDS in half, creating a shower

TOM (Qui-Gon): I use Herbal Essences. Hmmm…

CROW (Obi-Wan): I want the shampoo he's using.


of sparks and metal parts. OBI-WAN raises his hand, sending several BATTLE DROIDS crashing into the wall.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): Obi-Wan, did you forget your deodorant again?

QUI-GON makes his way to the bridge door and begins to cut

TOM: …a rug.

(Mike and Crow start dancing)


through it.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

The CREW is very nervous as sparks start flying

CROW: It's spring, and love is in the air…

around the bridge door. QUI-GON and OBI-WAN are on the view screen.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): Hi Mom! Hi Master Yoda!

NUTE: Close the blast doors!!

TOM (Stormtrooper): Open the blast doors! Open the blast doors!

The huge, very thick blast door slams shut, followed by a second door, then a third. There is a hissing sound

CROW (Crocodile Hunter): All right, mate, hear that? We're getting closer to it… careful…

as the huge doors seal shut. QUI-GON stabs the door with his lightsaber. The screens go black

TOM: Why does it always have to be a black thing?!

as a red spot appears in the center of the blast door.

RUNE:...They're still coming through!

On the door, chunks of molten metal begin to drop away.

NUTE: Impossible!! This is impossible!!

MIKE (Nute): Inconceivable!

TOM (Rune): You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.


RUNE: Where are those destroyer droids?!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-HALLWAY-OUTSIDE BRIDGE

Ten ugly destroyer WHEEL DROIDS roll down the hallway at full speed. Just before they get to the bridge area, they stop and transform

CROW (Barf): It's not a wheel, it's a Transformer!

into their battle configuration. QUI-GON can't see them but senses their presence.

QUI-GON: Destroyer droids!

OBI-WAN: Offhand, I'd say this mission is past the negotiation stage.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): Smart ass.

The WHEEL DROIDS, led by P-59, rush the entry area from three hallways, blasting away with their laster guns. They stop firing and stand in a semi-circle as the smoke clears. OBI-WAN and QUI-GON are nowhere to be seen.

TOM (David Copperfield): Ta-da!

P-59: Switch to bio...There they are!

The Jedi materialize at the far end of the hallway and dash through a doorway that slams shut. The WHEEL DROIDS blast away at the two Jedi with their lightsabers.

OBI-WAN: They have shield generators!

MIKE (Qui-Gon): Thank you, Captain Obvious.

TOM: Uh, Mike, we've used that one.

MIKE: I know.

TOM: Just checking.


QUI-GON: It's a standoff! Let's go!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

NUTE and RUNE stand on the bridge, watching the view screen as the WHEEL DROIDS' POV speeds to the doorway.

RUNE: We have them on the run, sir...they're no match for destroyer droids.

TEY HOW:

CROW (sarcastically): Now that's not obviously Japanese!

Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-MAIN BAY

QUI-GON and OBI-WAN appear at a large vent in a giant hangar bay. They are careful not to be seen.

TOM (battle droid): There they are!

MIKE (Qui-Gon): Crap.


Thousands of BATTLE DROIDS are loading onto landing craft.

QUI-GON: Battle droids.

OBI-WAN: It's an invasion army.

QUI-GON: It's an odd play for the Trade Federation.

CROW (Qui-Gon): They should have intentionally walked Castillo to get to the pitcher.

We've got to warn the Naboo and contact Chancellor Valorum. Let's split up. Stow aboard seperate ships and meet down on the planet.

TOM (Qui-Gon): (leaving) Where are you going?

MIKE (Obi-Wan): I'm going with you.

TOM (Qui-Gon): No, no. Stow aboard separate ships and meet down on the planet.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): Ah.


OBI-WAN: You were right about one thing, Master. The negotiations were short.

CROW (Qui-Gon): I hate it when your in this type of mood.

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP-BRIDGE

TEY HOW receives a transmission.

MIKE (teenage girl): Hello? Oh, hi Joanie. I know, isn't he just so cute?!

TEY HOW: Sir, a transmission from the planet.

RUNE: It's Queen Amidala herself.

TOM (Rune): And not the decoy.

NUTE: At last we're getting results.

On the view screen, QUEEN AMIDALA appears in her throne room. Wearing her elaborate headdress and robes, she sits,

CROW (President Skroob): I told you never to call me on this wall. This is a non-listed wall!

surrounded by the GOVERNING COUNCIL and FOUR HANDMAIDENS,

MIKE: Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, and Doc.

EIRTAÉ, YANÉ, RABÉ, and SACHÉ

NUTE: (Cont'd) Again you come before me,

MIKE: Don't think about it, Crow.

CROW: What?


Your Highness. The Federation is pleased.

AMIDALA: You will not be so pleased when you hear what I have to say, Viceroy...Your trade

TOM: ..for Barry Larkin was rejected.

boycott of our planet has ended.

NUTE smirks at RUNE.

MIKE (Rune): Don't look at me that way! It's disturbing.

NUTE: I was not aware of such a failure.

CROW (Nute): I swear I passed "Trade Boycotts 101."

AMIDALA: I have word that the Senate is finally voting on this blockade of yours.

NUTE: I take it you know the outcome. I wonder why they bother to vote.

AMIDALA: Enough of this pretense, Viceroy! I'm aware the Chancellor's Ambassadors are with you now, and that you have been commanded to reach

TOM: …out and touch someone.

a settlement.

NUTE: I know nothing about any Ambassadors...you must be mistaken.

AMIDALA, surprised

ALL: Suprise! Happy Birthday Amidala!

at his reaction, studies him carefully.

CROW (Amidala): I sure hope the material about Nute won't be on the test.

AMIDALA: Beware, Viceroy...the Federation is going too far this time.

NUTE: Your Highness, we would never do anything without the approval of the Senate.

MIKE (Nute): Aside from invading your planet, of course.

You assume too much.

AMIDALA: We will see.

The QUEEN fades off, and the view screen goes black.

TOM (Dark Helmet): What did you do?

CROW (Colonel Sandurez): I turned the screen off.

TOM (Dark Helmet): No you didn't! You turned off the movie!


RUNE: She's right, the Senate will never...

NUTE: It's too late now.

RUNE: Do you think she suspects an attack?

NUTE: I don't know, but we must move quickly to disrupt all communications down there.

MIKE (Rune): (mutters) Oh, that won't tip them off.

INT. NABOO PALACE-THRONE ROOM

The QUEEN, EIRTAÉ, SACHÉ and her Governor, SIO BIBBLE, stand before a hologram of SENATOR PALPATINE, a thin, kindly man.

ALL: EVIL, HE'S EVIL!!!

PALPATINE: ...How could that be true? I have assurances from the Chancellor...his Ambassadors did arrive. It must be the...get...negotiate...

TOM (Palpatine): Damn this speech impediment.

The hologram of PALPATINE sputters and fades away.

AMIDALA: Senator Palpatine?!? (turns to Panaka) What's happening?

MIKE (Panaka): For a Queen, you're not very smart, are you?

CAPTAIN PANAKA turns to the SERGEANT.

CAPT. PANAKA: Check the transmission generators....

BIBBLE: A malfunction?

CAPT. PANAKA: It could be the Federation is jamming us, Your Highness.

BIBBLE: A communications disruption can only mean one thing. Invasion!

MIKE (Amidala): Thank you, Captain Obvious.

(Tom and Crow glare at Mike)


AMIDALA: Don't jump

CROW (Riggs): You're not the only one who's thought of this. Want a smoke? I just want to talk to you.

to conclusions, Governor. The Federation would not dare go that far.

CAPT. PANAKA: The Senate would revoke their trade franchise, and they'd be finished.

AMIDALA: We must continue to rely on negotiation.

MIKE: Like that's helped so far.

BIBBLE: Negotiation? We've lost

CROW: Now that's a defeatist attitude if I've ever seen one.

all communications!

CROW: Oh.

...and where are the Chancellor's Ambassadors? How can we negotiate? We must prepare to defend ourselves.

CAPT. PANAKA: This is a dangerous situation, Your Highness. Our security volunteers will be no match against a battle-hardened Federation army.

TOM: Look out for Charlie! He's in the trees!

AMIDALA: I will not condone a course of action that will lead us to war.

EXT. SPACE LANDING CRAFT-TWILIGHT (FX)

Six landing craft fly in formation toward the surface of the planet Naboo.

MIKE: Bomber One to Mother Hen, come in Mother Hen, do you copy?

EXT. NABOO SWAMP-SHALLOW LAKE-TWILIGHT

Three landing craft slowly descend through the cloud cover of the perpetually gray twilight side of the planet. One by one, the Federation warships land in the eerie swamp.

CROW (Luke): Artoo, I'm going to start the landing cycle.

OBI-WAN's head emerges from the mud of a shallow lake.

TOM: And the legend of the Swamp Thing is reborn.

For in the background, the activities of the invasion force can be seen in the mist. OBI-WAN takes several deep breaths,

MIKE (Yoga instructor): That's right. In and out… now, concentrate on your happy place. Obi-Wan, where are you?

TOM (Obi-Wan): I'm trading stocks on AmeriTrade for only 8 bucks a trade.


then disappears again under the muddy swamp. Troop Transports (MTT's) emerge from the landing craft.

EXT. NABOO EDGE OF SWAMP/GRASS PLAINS-TWILIGHT (FX)

The droid invasion force moves out of the swamp and onto a grassy plain. OOM

ALL (chanting): Oooom…. Oooom….

-9, in his tank, looks out over the vast ARMY

CROW (football announcer): I don't know, Oom, I have to go with Navy in this game. They just have the better overall football team.

marching across the rolling hills. A small hologram of RUNE and NUTE stands on the tank.

RUNE: ...and there is no trace of the Jedi.

MIKE (Rune): I never was a very good artist anyway.

They may have gotten onto one of your landing craft.

OOM-9: If they are down here, sir, we'll find them. We are moving out of the swamp and are marching on the cities. We are meeting no resistance.

ALL: We are the Borg. Resistance is futile.

NUTE: Excellent.

CROW (Garth): Party on Wayne.

TOM (Wayne): Party on Garth.


EXT. NABOO SWAMP-TWILIGHT

QUI-GON runs through the strange landscape,

MIKE (Azeem): A strange place this… England.

glancing back to see the monstrous troop transports emerging from the mist. Animals begin to run past him in a panic.

CROW (Cow): Eat mor chickun.

An odd, frog-like Gungan, JAR JAR BINKS,

ALL: NOOOO!

MIKE: For the love of humanity!


squats holding a clam he has retrieved from the murky swamp. The shell pops open. JAR JAR's great tongue snaps out and grabs the clam, swallowing it in one gulp.

CROW: Kill me now…

JAR JAR looks up and sees QUI-GON and the other creatures running like the wind toward him. One of the huge MTT's bears down on the JEDI like a charging locomotive.

TOM: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

JAR JAR stands transfixed, still holding the clam shell in one hand.

JAR JAR: Oh, nooooooooo!

ALL: Run him over! Run him over!

JAR JAR drops the shell and grabs onto QUI-GON as he passes. The JEDI is caught by surprise.

TOM (Qui-Gon): What the hell?!

JAR JAR:(Cont'd) Hey, hep me! Hep me!!

QUI-GON: Let go!

MIKE (Qui-Gon): You're ruining the movie!

The machine is about to crush them as QUI-GON drags JAR JAR behind him. Just as the transport is about to it them, QUI-GON drops, and JAR JAR goes splat into the mud with him. The transport races overhead. QUI-GON and JAR JAR pull themselves out of the mud. They stand watching the war machine disappear into the mist.

TOM: And the war machine lived happily ever after.

JAR JAR grabs QUI-GON and hugs him.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): Need… air…

JAR JAR: Oyi, mooie-mooie! I luv yous!

TOM (Qui-Gon): Um, I'm not that kind of guy.

The frog-like creature kisses the JEDI.

CROW (Qui-Gon): No tongue please.

QUI-GON: Are you brainless? You almost got us killed!

TOM: Yes, he is.

JAR JAR: I spake.

QUI-GON: The ability to speak does not make you intelligent. Now get outta here!

(All three cheer)

TOM: That's telling him!


QUI-GON starts to move off, and JAR JAR follows.

JAR JAR: No...no! Mesa stay..Mesa yous humbule sercaunt.

CROW: Is Jar-Jar French?

QUI-GON: That won't be necessary.

JAR JAR: Oh boot tis! Tis demunded byda guds. Tis a live debett, tis. Mesa culled Jar Jar Binkss.

In the distance, two STAPS burst out of the mist at high speed, chasing OBI-WAN.

TOM: What exactly does STAP stand for?

CROW: I don't know, but it sounds like a nasty STD.


QUI-GON: I have no time for this now...

JAR JAR: Say what?

The two STAPS barrel down on OBI-WAN.

JAR JAR: (Cont'd) Oh, nooooo! Weesa ganna...

QUI-GON throws JAR JAR into the mud.

QUI-GON: Stay down!

TOM (Qui-Gon): And shut up! For the rest of the movie, please!

His head pops up.

CROW: … and Qui-Gon slices it off with his saber.

MIKE: That's a little harsh… well deserved, but a little harsh.


JAR JAR: ...dieeee!

ALL: Yes, please!

The two troops fire laser bolts at OBI-WAN. QUI-GON deflects the bolts back, and the STAPS blow up. One-two.

TOM: …buckle my shoe. Three-four…shut the door.

OBI-WAN is exhausted and tries to catch his breath.

CROW (Obi-Wan): Hey, breath! Come here!

OBI-WAN: Sorry, Master, the water fried my weapon.

OBI-WAN pulls out his burnt lightsaber handle.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): I left it in the oven too long.

QUI-GON inspects it, as JAR JAR pulls himself out of the mud.

QUI-GON: You forgot to turn your power off again, didn't you?

OBI-WAN nods sheepishly.

TOM: Baaaahhh!

QUI-GON: (Cont'd) It won't take long to recharge, but this is a lesson I hope you've learned, my young Padawan.

CROW (Obi-Wan): Don't call me that! In my native language it means "One who induces another to vomit."

OBI-WAN: Yes, Master.

JAR JAR: Yousa sav-ed my again, hey?

MIKE: Unfortunately.

OBI-WAN: What's this?

TOM: An expensive special effect that is annoying beyond annoying.

QUI-GON: A local. Let's go, before more of these droids show up.

JAR JAR: Mure?! Mure did you spake??!?

CROW (Qui-Gon): No, I said more.

OBI-WAN and QUI-GON start to run. JAR JAR tries to keep up.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): Master, go faster! He's gaining!

JAR JAR: (Cont'd) Ex-squeezee-me, but da moto grande safe place would be Otoh Gunga. Tis where I grew up... Tis safe city.

TOM: If you consider a city where one needle puncture could cause the whole thing to flood to be safe.

They all stop

CROW (singing): …in the name of love!

QUI-GON: A city!

TOM (Qui-Gon): Maybe we can lose this thing in the crowd.

(Jar Jar nods his head) Can you take us there?

JAR JAR: Ahhh, will...on second taut...no, not willy.

QUI-GON: No??!

JAR JAR: Iss emparrassing, boot...

CROW (Jar-Jar): I'm a sexual offender. The neighbors don't want me living there.

My afraid my've bean banished. My forgoten der Bosses would do terrible tings to my. Terrible tings if my goen back dare.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): What are we waiting for?

A PULSATING SOUND

TOM: It's the THX theme.

is heard in the distance.

QUI-GON: You hear that?

JAR JAR shakes his head yes.

QUI-GON: (Cont'd) That's the sound of a thousand terrible things heading this way...

OBI-WAN: When they find us, they will crush us, grind us into little pieces, then blast us into oblivion!

CROW (Obi-Wan): So, you stay here and we'll go this way.

JAR JAR: Oh! Yousa point is well seen. Dis way! Hurry!

JAR JAR turns and runs into the swamp.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): Quick, let's go the other way while we have the chance.

(All get up to leave)

TOM: Oh, the agony.

CROW: I feel dirty.

MIKE: Suddenly I have a craving desire for frog legs.