Star Wars Episode 1: The Definitive MiSTing Part III.

Author: McCord

See Part I for Disclaimer

(Tom, Mike, and Crow enter)

TOM: I hope this is relatively painless.

CROW: I'm sorry you'll be disappointed.

MIKE: Now, what kind of attitude to have is that?

BOTS: Realistic.


CAPTAIN PANAKA cracks open a side door to the central hanger. QUI-GON looks in over his shoulder.

TOM (Qui-Gon): Bet everything.

OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, and the rest of the group are behind him. They see several Naboo spacecraft guarded by about FIFTY BATTLE DROIDS. ALARMS can be heard in the distance.


MIKE: Okay, so we broke our promise. Sue us.

CAPT. PANAKA : There are too many of them.

QUI-GON : That won't be a problem.

CROW (Qui-Gon): I took Calculus in college. After that, all problems seem trivial.

(To Amidala) Your Highness, under the circumstances, I suggest you come to Coruscant

MIKE: I prefer the Egg McMuffin.

TOM: He said Coruscant, not Croissant!

CROW: Putz.

with us.

AMIDALA : Thank you, Ambassador, but my place is here with my people.

TOM (Qui-Gon): Did you know you'll be put in a concentration camp?

CROW (Amidala): Where did you want me to go again?

QUI-GON : They will kill you if you stay.

BIBBLE : They wouldn't dare.

CAPT. PANAKA : They need her to sign a treaty to make this invasion of theirs legal. They can't afford to kill her.

QUI-GON : The situation here is not what it seems.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): For example, I'm not wearing any underpants.

There is something else behind all this, Your Highness. There is no logic in the Federation's move here.

CROW (Qui-Gon): They moved their Queen out way to early, exposing their King to attacks from their Bishops.

My feelings tell me they will destroy you.

BIBBLE : Please, Your Highness, reconsider.

TOM (Bibble): The blue really brings out the color in your eyes, while the strips just make you look frumpy.

Our only hope is for the Senate to side with us... Senator Palpatine will need your help.

CAPT. PANAKA : Getting past their blockade is impossible, Your Highness. Any attempt to escape will be dangerous.

MIKE (Z): 'Dangerous' is my middle name. Actually, it's really 'Marion,' but don't let that get around.

BIBBLE : Your Highness, I will stay here and do what I can...They will have to retain the Council of Governors in order to maintain control. But you must leave...

The QUEEN turns to PADME and EIRTAE.

AMIDALA : Either choice presents a great all of us...

TOM (Amidala): Bush isn't the brightest apple off the tree, but I'm convinced Gore had to be wrapped up in that whole 'Zipper Gate' thing Clinton had going on…

PADME : We are brave, Your Highness.

CROW (Obi-Wan): Hey! That's really the Queen!

QUI-GON : If you are to leave, Your Highness, it must be now.

AMIDALA : Then, I will plead our case before the Senate.

MIKE (Amidala): We'll need Johnny Cochran and his famous 'Chewbacca' defense.

CROW (Johnny Cochran): Now this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie. Wookies live on Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on Endor. Does that make any sense? Am I making any sense? If it doesn't make sense, you must acquit.

(to Bibble) Be careful, Governor.


The door opens to the main hanger. QUI-GON, OBI-WAN, JAR JAR, CAPTAIN PANAKA, TWO GUARDS, and THREE HANDMAIDENS (PADME, EIRTAE, RABE), followed by QUEEN AMIDALA, head for a sleek chrome spacecraft.

TOM: Oh, that isn't noticeable.

SIO BIBBLE, YANE and SACHE stay behind. The HANDMAIDENS begin to cry.

CROW: Pansies.

CAPT. PANAKA : We need to free those pilots.


OBI-WAN : I'll take care of that.

MIKE (Panaka): Smug bastard.

OBI-WAN heads toward the group of captured pilots.

QUI-GON and the QUEEN, CAPTAIN PANAKA, JAR JAR, and the rest of the GROUP approach the GUARDS at the ramp of the Naboo craft.

TOM (flight attendant): Thank you for flying Delta. We'll be boarding shortly. Please have your ticket and boarding pass ready.

GUARD DROID : Where are you going?

QUI-GON : I'm Ambassador for the Supreme Chancellor, and I'm taking these people to Coruscant.

DROID GUARD : You're under arrest!

CROW (Chris Rock): You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney, we'll give you the dumbest f**k we have! You get Johnny Cochran, I'll kill ya!

MIKE: Wow, two Lethal Weapon and two Johnny Cochran references and we're only in the third part of the story.

The DROID GUARD draws his weapon,

TOM (Bugs Bunny): (holds out notepad) There.

MIKE (Yosimite Sam): Say… that's a pretty nice drawing there. I'm not so bad with and pen and paper myself.

but before any of the DROIDS can fire, they are cut down. OTHER GUARDS run to their aid.

CROW (Droid Guard): MEDIC!

OBI-WAN attacks the GUARDS around the PILOTS. QUI-GON stands, fighting off DROIDS as the OTHERS rush

MIKE (Rushee): So, what benefits does the fraternity life have to offer?

CROW (Brother): Well, we have mixers with sororities, a pool table, parties once a month, and all the alcohol you can consume without puking upper your lower intestine.

on board the spacecraft. OBI-WAN, the FREED PILOTS

TOM (Slave): Thank you, President Lincoln! Thank you!

(including RIC OLIE), GUARDS and GROUND CREW MEMBERS rush on board the ship. The OTHER PILOTS and GUARDS race

CROW (announcer): Jeff Gordon is in the lead in the number 24 car, but coming up hard from the inside is Earnheart in the number 3.

to SIO BIBBLE. After everyone has made it onto the ship, QUI-GON jumps on board. ALARMS sound.


MORE DROIDS rush into the hanger and fire as the ship takes off.


The ship exits the hanger. BATTLE DROIDS standing in the hanger shoot at them.

TOM (Battle Droid): Hey! The droids shooting at it in the previous shot didn't do anything! So why the hell are we shooting at it also?


The sleek spacecraft speeds away from the planet of Naboo and heads for the deadly Federation blockade.

CROW: Well, at least they're not Star Destroyers.

MIKE: Just wait until Episode II.


The PILOT, RIC OLIE, navigates toward the massive battleship, QUI-GON and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch.

RIC OLIE : ....our communications are still jammed.

CROW: Mike, please….

MIKE: Okay, okay.

CROW (Dark Helmet): Raspberry! Only one person would dare use raspberry…Lonestar!!!


JAR JAR is led into a low, cramped doorway by OBI-WAN.

OBI-WAN : Now stay here,

TOM (Obi-Wan): And don't leave until I say so. Which, if it's up to me, won't be until Episode IV.

and keep out of trouble.

OBI-WAN closes the door. JAR JAR looks around and sees a long row of five short, dome-topped ASTRO DROIDS (R-2 units). The all look alike,

ALL (singing): One of these things is not like the other…

except for their paint color, and they all seem to be shut down.

JAR JAR : Ello, boyos. (No response) Disa wanna longo trip...hey?

JAR JAR taps a bright red R-2 UNIT on the head,

(All cover their eyes so they don't have to watch what they know is coming)

and its head pops up a bit. He lets out a gasp as he lifts the head.

JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Tis opens?...Oooops!

Many springs and things come flying out. JAR JAR quickly closes it again, very embarrassed.

CROW: Mike, is it really possible for someone to die of embarrassment?

MIKE: I hope so, Crow, I sincerely hope so.

JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Yoi! Just yoken!

RIC OLIE : Powers back! That little droid did it. He bypassed the main power drive. Deflector shield up, at maximum.

ALL: Huh?

MIKE: Hold on! Time out!

(Movie stops. Mike turns around)

MIKE: Hey, author-guy! Yeah, you with the keyboard!

AUTHOR: Uh, yeah?

MIKE: What the hell was that?!

AUTHOR: Sorry. Every copy of the script I found online had the same error, so you three can just kiss my ass.

MIKE: Oh. Um, okay. Carry on.

The lone BLUE DROID finishes his repairs and goes back into the ship. The Naboo spacecraft races away from the Federation battleship.

CROW: F-4.

TOM: You sank my battleship!

RIC OLIE: There won't be enough power to get us to Coruscant...The hyperdrive is leaking.

CROW: The EPA will hear of this!

QUI-GON: We'll have to land somewhere to fuel and repair the ship.

QUI-GON studies a star chart on a monitor.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): See, Obi-Wan? There's Orion, and the Big Dipper, and just below it is the Little Dipper…

OBI-WAN : Here, Master. Tatooine... It's small, out of the way, poor... The Trade Federation has no presence there.

TOM (Obi-Wan): And, conveniently, it was in two of the three previous Star Wars movies.

CAPT. PANAKA : How can you be sure?

QUI-GON : It's controlled by the Hutts...

CAPT. PANAKA : The Hutts??

CROW (Qui-Gon): Yes, the Hutts. Did I mumble, or do you just like repeating what I say?

OBI-WAN : It's risky...but there's no alternative.

ALL (singing): Well we don't sound… like Madonna… here we are… we're Nirvana…

CAPT. PANAKA : You can't take Her Royal Highness there! The Hutts are gangsters...

MIKE (Al Capone): I resent that.

If they discovered her...

QUI-GON : ...It would be no different than if we landed on a system controlled by the Federation...except the Hutts aren't looking for her, which gives us an advantage.

TOM (announcer): Advantage Mr. Jinn. Break point.

CAPT. PANAKA takes a deep breath in frustration.


The Naboo spacecraft races away.



NUTE and RUNE sit around a conference table

CROW (Nute): King me.

TOM (Rune): I hate checkers.

with a hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS.

NUTE : We control all the cities in the North

MIKE (Nute): I'm doing better than General Lee!

and are searching for any other settlements...

DARTH SIDIOUS : Destroy all high-ranking officials, Viceroy...slowly...quietly. And Queen Amidala, has she signed the treaty?

CROW (Sidious): I want peace in the Middle East before I die.

NUTE : She has disappeared, My Lord. One Naboo cruiser got past the blockade.

DARTH SIDIOUS : Viceroy, find her! I want that treaty signed.

NUTE : My Lord, it's impossible to locate the ship. It's out of our range.

TOM (Nute): I never was a very good three-point shooter.

DARTH SIDIOUS : ...not for a Sith...

A second SITH LORD appears behind DARTH SIDIOUS.

DARTH SIDIOUS : (Cont'd) ...Viceroy, this is my apprentice.

MIKE: Bozo the Clown?

Lord Maul.


He will find your lost ship.

NUTE : Yes, My Lord.

The hologram fades off.

NUTE : (Cont'd) This is getting out of there are two of them.

RUNE : We should not have made this bargain. What will happen when the Jedi become aware of these Sith Lords?

CROW (Mace Windu): Hand me my lightsaber. It's the one that says "bad mother f**ker" on it.


(Bad 70's disco music plays)


MIKE: Hey! Cut that out!


CAPT. PANAKA : ...An extremely well put together little droid. Without a doubt, it saved the ship, as well as our lives.

TOM (Panaka): And also set up this awkward and obviously forced scene.

AMIDALA : It is to be commended...what is its number?

The LITTLE BLUE DROID lets out a series of bleeps.

CROW (Artoo): Do I get a medal this time?

CAPTAIN PANAKA leans over and scrapes some dirt off of the side of the DROID and read the number:

CAPT. PANAKA : R2-D2, Your Highness.

AMIDALA : Thank you, Artoo Detoo. You have proven to be very loyal...

CROW (Amidala): Very, very loyal…

MIKE and TOM: Huh?


PADME bows before the QUEEN.

AMIDALA : (Cont'd) Clean this droid up the best you can. It deserves our gratitude...

MIKE (Amidala): Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink?

(To Panaka) Continue, Captain.

CAPTAIN PANAKA looks nervously to OBI-WAN and QUI-GON.

QUI-GON : Your Highness, we are heading for a remote planet called Tatooine.

TOM (Qui-Gon): If there was a bright center to the universe, you'd be on the planet it's farthest from.

It is a system far beyond the reach of the Trade Federation. There we will be able to make needed repairs, then travel on to Coruscant.

CAPTAIN PANAKA : Your Highness, Tatooine is very dangerous.

CROW (Panaka): Almost as dangerous as New York.

It's controlled by an alliance of gangs called the Hutts. I do not agree with the Jedi on this.

QUI-GON : You must trust my judgement, Your Highness.

AMIDALA and PADME exchange looks.

MIKE (Amidala): Padme, you know I have my father's eyes.

TOM (Padme): Oh, gross! Amidala, put those away!

PADME moves next to the DROID.


PADME sits in the Main Area, cleaning R2-D2, the brave little Astro Droid. JAR JAR pops out of an open door.


TOM: I'm going to have nightmares for weeks now!

JAR JAR : Hidoe!

Both PADME and ARTOO jump and let out a little SCREAM.

CROW (Padme): I thought they locked you in the hold!

The Gungan is embarrassed that he frightened them.

JAR JAR : (Cont'd) Sorry, nomeanen to scare yousa.

PADME : That's all right.

JAR JAR : I scovered oily back dare. Needen it?

MIKE (Artoo): Oil… can… Oil… can…

PADME : Thank you. This little guy is quite a mess.

JAR JAR hands PADME the oil can.

TOM (Jar-Jar): Could you put lotion on my back?

JAR JAR : Mesa Ja Ja Binksss...

PADME : I'm Padme, I attend Her Highness, You're a Gungan, aren't you? (Jar Jar nods) How did you end up here with us?

JAR JAR : Me no know...

CROW: Neither do we.

mesa day starten pitty okeyday witda brisky morning munchen. Den boom....getten berry skeered, un grabbed dat Jedi, and before mesa knowen it...pow! Mesa here. (he shrugs)...getten berry berry skeered.

(Mike whimpers in pain)

TOM: I feel your pain, man.

ARTOO BEEPS a sympathetic beep.

TOM: See? So does Artoo.


OBI-WAN, QUI-GON, and CAPTAIN PANAKA watch over RIC OLIE'S shoulder.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): I'm telling you, bet it all. There's no way he's got anything to beat that.

CROW (Ric Olie): Okay, okay. (pushes chips out)

TOM (Panaka): I'm out. Too rich for me.

A large yellow planet appears directly ahead. RIC OLIE searches his scopes.

CROW: Too bad what he's looking for is just out the window.

OBI-WAN : That's it. Tatooine.

MIKE: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

TOM: Not again…

RIC OLIE : There's a settlement...a spaceport, looks like.

QUI-GON : Land near the outskirts. We don't want to attract any attention.

CROW: Oh, so landing OUTSIDE of the spaceport instead of in a hanger makes you LESS suspicious… right…


The ship heads toward the planet of Tatooine.


The Naboo spacecraft lands in the desert in a swirl of dust.

(All cough)

The spaceport of Mos Espa is seen in the distance.


OBI-WAN is hoisting the hyperdrive out of a floor panel.

MIKE (Obi-Wan): AHHH! Hernia!

JAR JAR rushes up to him and falls to his knees.


JAR JAR : Obi-Wan, sire, pleeese, no mesa go!

OBI-WAN : Sorry, Qui-Gon's right. You'll make things less obvious.

CROW (Obi-Wan): Plus, you'll be out of my hair.

JAR JAR walks back to ARTOO in the hallway as QUI-GON (dressed as a farmer)

ALL (singing): Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Jed... poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed...

enters the main area.

OBI-WAN : (Cont'd) The Hyperdrive generator is gone.

TOM (Obi-Wan): I told you to lock the ship up, but no... "I'll only be gone for a few minutes," you said...

We will need a new one.

QUI-GON moves closer to OBI-WAN

(Mike clamps Crow's beak shut violently)

and speaks quietly to him.

QUI-GON : Don't let them send any transmissions.

MIKE (Qui-Gon): I have limited minutes on my cell phone plan.

Be wary...I sense a disturbance in the Force.

OBI-WAN : I fell it also, Master.

CROW (Obi-Wan): Or is that just gas?

QUI-GON goes into the hallway to meet up with ARTOO and JAR JAR. They head to the exit ramp.

TOM: I concur with that statement.

(All head for exit)