September 24th, 2009
I have allot to tell you and I know it's been a while. It's just so much has happened over the last few months that I've barely had time to write or think about anything except this on going case.
Anyway, um... that night in the bar. Our toast to Angell ended up in a drive by shooting. Leaving another of our team members in a wheelchair. Danny Messer was shot by the suspects who decided to open fire in the bar we were toasting at. God so much anger and hurtful pain filled us all that night. So many mistakes and painful regrets not only I made, but Mac and Danny too.
You see... shortly after the shooting I... um... went looking for comfort. Problem was, it wasn't with Mac. Let me tell you about it.
The nights that followed the shooting left us all with a feeling of emptiness. Knowing everyone had their own way of dealing with the pain, it left me to seek out warmth from another that should have never crossed my mind in that way, Adam Ross.
Now don't judge me on my mistake. Give me a chance to explain how I needed... no... how I... Oh God...
Um... I can honestly say...
I will never feel shame for having sex with Adam. He was there, I was there. I needed to know in that moment that I was still alive and able to still feel human contact. Even if that contact wasn't love, it was proof that I could still feel warmth and passion above so much violence and death. That comfort and hope from another living human was still possible.
**I know I could have gone to Mac, but he would not have given me what I needed in that moment. He would have analyzed or tried to explain how this kind of contact wasn't necessary too know that we could still feel. But I didn't need that. I didn't need a lesson from Mac. What I needed was to feel a sense that human contact was still welcomed in my mind and soul.**
All I knew in that moment was my soul felt like everything and everyone around me had been unable to feel anything but pain. I needed to know that pain wasn't the only thing that now existed in my everyday life. and I'm sorry if no one can understand that.
Everything I did that night is something I now have to face. Especially if this one time comes back to haunt Adam and I? At times I'm honestly not sure it will. Though deep down in my mind I just know it will have its repercussions on us. I guess at this point and time the most we can do is try and move past it.
I'm sure dear diary you are wondering if I will ever discuss this one night with Mac, and the answer would be yes. I'm sure Mac and I will need each others understanding again and that's when I'll have need to tell him of the evening I spent with Adam. I mean it's not something I can keep inside for long. Not with the feelings I fight each night of loving him as more then a friend.
Just as Mac and Danny will have their own haunts and demons with handling a call alone. Leading to a young girls death. Leaving me to once again bring Mac's judgment into question.
Let me explain...
Danny received a phone call from a young girl who had information about the drive by shooting and instead of calling in the whole team, Mac decided to handle it with Danny himself. So I had to call him on it. Whether Mac felt he had to do something about it or not, he needs to realize that he's not alone in this and he needs to stop making this case all about him, Dunbrook, or any other suspects he has plastered around his office.
After all he wasn't alone in the bar that night. "We." The whole team were there with him. I mean they could have been killed, and as if Danny hasn't been through enough, he's shot at again and the young girl is killed in cold blood. God sometimes Mac just doesn't think about the consequences his actions have on others.
Nearing the end of my shift I explain to Adam that while what we shared was wonderful, it cannot happen again. It just can't and as I walk down the hall into Mac's office we warmly smile at each other as we put the files away. We both realize no words are needed between us, for our eyes and hearts say all the other needs to know.
So now I sit alone in my apartment as I write to you dear diary with tears falling from my eyes. For I've now come to realize that the arms I accepted comfort from were not Mac's. That the aura, strength and scent of the shoulder my head came to rest on wasn't the shoulder of the man my heart and soul truly loves and needs to feel complete.
And that dear diary is something I'm not sure I'll ever feel again. I guess the following weeks will tell, and I'll be back to share each of those moments with you dear diary.
Thank for listening. I'll talk to you again soon,