Disclaimer - I do not own D Gray Man nor any of the wonderful characters.
Doubt and Trust
"This can't be happening."
As he was pulled from the office where he and Cross had met he stumbled somewhat, burden by the sheer weight of what his master had told him. Allen Walker was completely and utterly miserable, that was simply the only way to describe it. His meeting with General Cross had left him reeling, unable to grasp anything that had seemed solid before that. He had been implanted with the memories of the 14th Noah and over time these memories would take over, leaving nothing of Allen and replacing him completely with the 14th.
How the hell had Cross managed to deliver that news so stoically?
The man, whom he'd spent several years training under, had pretty much just told him that he would eventually cease to be himself as the 14th took control and yet his facial expression hand't changed. He could have just as easily been casually discussing the weather and not his former student's impending doom. Allen had to admit that he was somewhat irritated by that. But then, as though to undermine the casual tone, the man had pulled him into an embrace.
Which had shocked him and gave some creedence to the severity of the situation. Cross, his foul tempered master, had embraced him. It seemed likely to Allen that the world was going to end soon but he kept this thought to himself.
Of course Cross had been unable to tell him when the 14th had implanted his memories and, judging by the expression on on his Master's face, there was absolutely nothing that could be done about it. The 14th had sworn to return and kill the Millennium Earl with his own hand and return to his brother. Mana. The man who had taken Allen in as a child and treated him like his own son.
Had he known? Was the fact that he possessed the memories of the 14th the reason why Mana had adopted him in the first place? When Mana had said that he loved him, whom had he been referring to, him or the 14th? The bond that Allen had always felt towards his foster father was shaken. Now he was doubting everything that he had ever believed in.
Up until this point he had known what his goals were and had been determined to move forward and achieve them no matter how many obstacles were placed in his path by the Earl and the Noah. And whenever things became too much for him to deal with all he had to do was think about Mana and it would help. He would once again remember why it was that he had chosen to walk this path.
Remember what it was all for.
And then, as though all of this hadn't been enough of a blow, Cross had informed him that he would kill someone that he loved when he became the 14th. Pictures of his friends appeared unbidden in his mind and he found himself unable to keep himself from thinking, who? Who would it be that died by his hand when he was taken over by the 14th?
This was all too much for him to bear. He found himself wondering what he ever could have done to deserve such a fate. Having been born with Innocence was bad enough, causing him to be shunned by his parents and everyone else, yet the knowledge that he would be a threat to his friends. To the people that he had grown to look upon as his family.
That was simply too much.
And yet despite this feeling of hopelessness, Allen found that he possessed a small shred of rebellion. He had made a vow, HE had promised Mana that he would continue to walk the path that he had chosen until the day that he died. And even though he had doubts about Mana's feelings for him the fact remained that he still loved the man that had taken him in.
HE still cared.
He didn't care about the 14th, HE was the one who had made that promise. And HE was going to keep it. He wasn't going to give in and lose himself to the 14th. He was going to keep his promise and continue to walk his chosen path, continue to be an Exorcist and fight against the Millennium Earl. And he vowed that he would do all of this without losing himself to the memories of the 14th.
This was HIS life damn it!
There was just no way that he was going to succomb and turn into the 14th. He had his own life to live and his own promises to keep. If nothing else than by sheer willpower he would fight against the implanted memories, fight for the body that belonged to him.
Damn if he would merely be the host necessary for the 14th's revival.
An image of his foster father appeared in his mind. Allen felt his heart skip a beat as he realized that this memory was from the day that Mana had taught him the Score for the 14th's Song. He had mixed feelings about this memory and yet despite himself he felt a small smile form on his lips.
He had doubts about the way that things had been between them, doubts about the reasons why Mana had taken him in, but none of that mattered. The fact remained that Mana had cared for him as thought Allen had been his child and nothing could ever erase the love that Allen felt for him.
The doubts would linger for awhile, of that he was certain, but Allen could already tell that they were being covered by a feeling of trust. He would not give in to the 14th and he would fight hard to make sure that Cross' dire warning never came to pass.
"Don't worry Mana," he whispered, clenching his hands into fists. A fierce light grew to light up his gray eyes as he thought back to recent events. "I promise that I will continue to move forward until the day I die."
A/N - short little one-shot about Allen's feelings after his infamous 'chat' with General Cross. Hope you enjoyed.