This is inspired by the army's Skippy List and the variations I've seen on this site, most notably Gothfeary's Stargate: SG-1 version and A Rhea King's CSI: Vegas version. I know I'm following a trend here, but considering that I was giggling while I wrote a lot of this, I can understand why these are so popular.
As always, I'm just borrowing the characters, and will return them to Arakawa-san when I'm done.
Please review. I crave the feedback.
It began as a joke, really, after the story about how Lieutenant Hawkeye acquired her dog, Black Hayate, started to get around.
The first rule appeard on the bulletin board in the third floor break room, the one used by Colonel Mustang and his men. It was neatly typewritten on the letterhead from the colonel's office, so the general assumption was that it originated with him, not that he ever said one way or the other.
Nobody expected it to take on a life of its own.
ADDITIONAL RULES AND REGULATIONS TO BE OBEYED BY ALL BASE PERSONNEL, AS PER THE ORDERS OF COLONEL ROY MUSTANG (among others...)
Do not cross Lt. Hawkeye.
a. Just don't.
Upon learning that her dog-training methods involved the use of firearms, this one was unanimously agreed upon.
Wild goose chases are to be postponed until your off-duty hours.
a. This includes the ones instigated by your commanding officer.
Lt. Hawkeye had absolutely no intention letting Colonel Mustang or her fellow officers live down the Warehouse 13 incident.
The game "I Never" is not to be used to garner blackmail material.
a. Neither is "Truth or Dare."
"Well, there goes fifty percent of my income," Vato Fallman sighed.
You are not allowed to sell your soul on government time.
a. Or use it as collateral.
The last bet Furey had made cost him nearly all of his money for the month. Havoc offered him the money back in exchange for his soul, and he accepted. Havoc held it over his head for the next week.
Do not pervert your native language. It's the only one we have, people.
By the time the Edward and Alphonse Elric got through with the word apple, Maes Hughes had fainted, and it took two hours for Riza Hawkeye to stop giggling.
When dealing with a fellow alchemist who is shorter than yourself, please refrain from mentioning the disparity of height.
Oddly enough, it was Colonel Mustang who posted this.
Funeral services are not to be held for dead chimeras.
The only exception to the rule was for the chimera who had once been Nina Tucker and her dog, Alexander, although there wasn't enough left of either to bury. Edward never said anything, but he was grateful, nonetheless.
When a fellow officer has made it known he is trying to quit smoking, do not taunt them with cigarettes.
Lt. Havoc had done this while then-Major Hughes had just quit. He and Hughes both spent time first in the infirmary, then in the stockade for the resulting brawl. Colonel Mustang, for his part, was reported to have laughed until his sides hurt.
Alchemy is not a toy. Treat it with the respect it's due.
Edward and Alphonse had been playing KIng of the Mountain on an alchemized hill they'd named Mt. Elric. It started out silly, and became even moreso when Major Armstrong got involved.
Using a child that is not your own in order to pick up members of the opposite sex is strictly prohibited. Violators will be skinned.
Colonel Mustang and Lt. Havoc had each gotten it in their heads that women liked men that were good with children. Each one had on separate occasions, made off with Elysia Hughes with the intention of showing off their more nurturing qualities...such as they were. Elysia limped away from the second experience with a skinned knee, dirty playclothes, and a sugar buzz that would have had an adult in orbit.
When Maes and Gracia found out, they were not happy.
The colonel and lieutenant were in hiding for three days.
The Roy Mustang lookalike contests are to cease immediately.
"Don't I even get my prize?" Alphonse Elric complained.
Any money from official funds that have been used on an unauthorized wild goose chase will be reimbursed by the personnel involved.
Colonel Mustang never would see that 10,000 sens again.
Crank calls. No.
After spending a day fielding phone calls from people variously claiming to be Father Cornello of Liore, Lady Dante, the ghost of the Iron Blood Alchemist, Fuhrer Bradley, Scar, Paracelsus, and "the people who have your mother," Caine Furey burst into tears and fled the radio room.
Base personnel under the age of sixteen are not to be given coffee under any circumstances. (By order of Gracia Hughes.)
Elysia Hughes, gas molecule. Her father and honorary uncle went into hiding until Gracia and Elysia both had calmed down.
If you encounter the creature known as Lust, do NOT ask her if her pimp knows where she is.
a. Especially if you value your spleen.
One of the rank and file had tried to purchase her services at a bar one night. The doctors said he'd make a full recovery in about a year.
If a superior officer is sleeping at his desk, let him lie. Do not wake him for anything short of the end of the world.
"Nice try, sir."
Eastern Headquarters is not an animal adoption center. Stray animals are to be taken to the proper authorities.
a. This means you, Alphonse.
b. And you, Furey.
The marmelade tabby in the litter of feral kittens Alphonse had brought in one day bit Colonel Mustang twice before he got the message not to pick it up. By the end of the week, they were crawling all over him.
If Alphonse had known that the colonel was allergic, he might have reconsidered his actions.
For the second time, stop perverting the language, people. I mean it.
Edward and Sciezka had been discussing alternate uses of the word area. Warrant Officer Fallman is now unable to look at either of them without blushing.
All female personnel will report to the quartermaster to be measured for miniskirts.
"What part of Rule One do you not get, Mustang?" Edward Elric was heard to ask.
All male personnel will report to the quartermaster for refitting of their uniforms.
When Colonel Mustang heard just what the alterations were, he went pale. "Do they have to be that tight?" he asked.
"Turnabout is fair play, sir," Lt. Hawkeye said.
To be continued...