A year.

It's hard to believe it's been over a freaking year since I last updated.

Apologies and much groveling are definitely called for, and once again, I do have to plead writer's block. You see, back when I started doing this, I decided that I would write the story for the rule at the top of the list, no matter what. No playing around with the order of the rules to make things easier.

Just my luck I got one I really didn't have a back story for, and had no ideas for a back story.

FMA and all associated characters and situations still belong to Arakawa-san, and the guest stars belong to the people who created them. *Definitely pouting on this one.*


Janet Frasier was pissed.

No, scratch that. She was beyond pissed.

"Let me get this straight," she said. The subject of her scrutiny, one Sergeant Daniel Brosch, shrank back under the force of her glare. "You're saying that I have spent the last three hours turning my infirmary upside down, and gone so far as to put this entire section of the building under quarantine for the sake of a prank. Is that right?"

Danny whimpered.

"Are you sure this isn't because I was planning to take biopsy samples from your bladder and kidneys?" she asked.

Danny whimpered again, and nodded. He had a very bad feeling that anything Lt. Col. Hughes could do to him would pale in comparison to her.


You are not allowed to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.

Danny Brosch had gotten it into his head to prank Dr. Janet, as she had come to be called. After an extensive physical exam that involved a lot of bloodwork, many specimens, and the threat of at least one biopsy from parts of his body that were not readily accessible, he broke down and confessed.


Any food in the break room ice box is to be eaten or otherwise removed within three days. After that, it gets thrown out.

There was a meatloaf sandwich in the back of the fridge that Hawkeye was willing to swear had made a pass at her.


The Fullmetal Alchemist is not a harbinger of chaos.

"Oh, yes, he is," chorused Mustang, Havoc, Breda, and Fallman.


Just because Alphonse Elric did it, doesn't mean that you can.

"What is it with Breda and animals?" Havoc asked after the Xingese princess's cat tried to rip Breda's face off. "All he did was try to pick her up."

"Xiao Mei," the princess said with a dignity far beyond her years, "does not like to be touched by strangers."

"That's funny," Alphonse said as the cat in question gnawed contentedly on his gauntlet, "she seems to like me well enough."


Maes Hughes is not a shape-shifting fox spirit.

We think.

The day after Sciezka found the restaurant, she tried to go back, only to find it wasn't there. "I'm almost sure I wasn't hallucinating," she said later.


Lt. Hawkeye is always armed. Never assume she isn't.

Colonel Mustang gave her a wide berth for a week after he found out that she always had at least a dozen weapons on her at any given time.


Do not mention the Jump Rope Incident to Edward Elric.

"Tied up by a four year old," Edward moaned after he'd been let loose, "I'm never gonna live this down…"


You are not allowed to feed your colleagues to your carnivorous plants.

Nobody was willing to go near Lt. Hawkeye's new Venus Fly Trap after they found out it ate meat.

"I think it was watching me, Al," Edward said as they left the office.


The Eastern Headquarters grapevine is not necessarily accurate.

By the time the grapevine got through with the story of Mustang and Hawkeye's argument, she had dumped him, quit the army, and taken up with a piano player in a Cretan jazz band. Roy Mustang, meanwhile, had given up on women, taken a vow of celibacy, shaved his head, and become a monk.


Your commanding officer is not to be used as a wager, no matter how high the stakes are.

"Let me get this straight," Gracia said in a disturbingly level tone considering what had just come out of the captain's mouth, "what you're telling me is that you lost my husband in a poker game. Is that correct?"


You are not allowed to spike the water cooler.

The first anyone realized something was wrong was when Lt. Hawkeye started singing the song about the Xingese prince and the lady thief.


You are not one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

"With all due respect, Lt. Pierson," Mustang said, "Fullmetal is more likely to be the personification of Death than you are."


Any mention of tentacles has been banned.

The song about the girl sniper, the chauffer, and the thing with all the arms was both wildly popular and amazingly obscene.

Half the base now got the giggles at the very mention of the word.


You are not an angel, and you do not need a vessel. Stop saying you do.

Captain James Novak frowned and cocked his head as he read the rule. Then, according to witnesses, he took two steps and vanished into thin air.


You are not allowed to drink three quarts of water with red food coloring before a urine test, and scream while it's going on.

It was the first and only time Dr. Janet ever fainted on the job.

Gracia Hughes and Riza Hawkeye promised to take her out for drinks during her recovery.


The standard military sidearm is not a chainsaw.

Master Sergeant Williams had used one while helping to clean up after a particularly bad storm, and had taken to the thing so well it was starting to scare people.


Do not draw fire. It pisses off the people around you.

During routine maneuvers, Havoc decided to play hero. If they had actually been under enemy fire, he, Breda, and Mustang would all have ended up dead.


You are not allowed to burn the office furniture.

"It was part of an investigation," Hughes insisted. "And, besides, it was hideous."


The Fullmetal Alchemist is not ammunition.

A few of the enlisted men had built a catapult, and were having trouble finding something to fire out of it, so they grabbed the first handy thing to came along, which turned out to be Edward Elric.

To say Edward was not amused would be putting it gently.


Interference in a subordinate's love life is neither necessary or appreciated.

Colonel Mustang had started another "Find Havoc a girlfriend so he can get laid and stop bitching about it" campaign.

It took two hours to coax Havoc out from under his bed after it was all over.


A/N 1: For those of you who don't watch the show Supernatural, it is a show about two brothers who start out hunting for the demon that killed their mother. Later their focus turns to trying to stop the apocalypse. James Novak is the name of the poor sod that Castiel, the fallen angel who helps them out occasionally, is possessing. The disappearing trick is a thing Cas and the other angels on the show tend to do.

A/N 2: Master Sergeant Williams, a.k.a. Ash, is from the Evil Dead movies. The chainsaw and shotgun were his weapons of choice by the end of the trilogy.