How to Not Make a Videogame Port

By: Light-Eco-Sage

Rated: Teen for stupidness and slight hints of romance… but very slight. You have to squint. Not to mention I break the Fourth Wall into oblivion!!! Plus major OOCness!

Summary: Inspired by playing the videogame of "Avatar: The Last Airbender". To be honest… it's not that good. But, somehow, in a funny way. These ideas would be funnier as a comic, but since I can't draw, you get fics instead.

Disclaimer: "Avatar: The Last Airbender" the (amazing) show was created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. "Avatar: The Last Airbender" the (not-so-amazing) videogame was created by THQ.

LES: There's a lot of things that I noticed wrong when I played through (I haven't gotten all the way through) "Avatar: The Last Airbender", which was really obvious to a fan of the show like me. Some of it is stomping on the canon, some of it is the random ability to turn invisible, and some of it is just the strangest things that you overhear random people saying. So far, I haven't talked to a single person that wasn't required to advance the plot, but I've eavesdropped on many of them, and some of them say the weirdest things, and I just can't imagine the Gang not reacting to it. But that will be covered later. Firstly, let's look at near the beginning of the videogame when Aang and Sokka are required to disguise themselves as Fire Nation soldiers to rescue Katara. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong! Anyway, on with the crap!

Chapter I: How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Disguise

It was at a random Fire Nation camp in the middle of freaking nowhere. Well, actually, it was near some nameless town, but seeing as you don't spend twenty minutes there, it wasn't very important.

Aang and Sokka carefully counted the number of stupid guards hanging around outside. See, Katara had been kidnapped by Zuko from the South/North pole… whichever it was… rather than Aang. So this screwed up the entire script of the show, and now the Gang was being forced to wing it. Aang and Sokka had followed Zuko's ship until he got captured by Fire Nation soldiers even though he was in the Earth Kingdom and they shouldn't be allowed to capture him unless he goes to the Fire Nation. Go figure.

Now Katara was in a Fire Nation prison, and the only way to get in was to steal some of the soldier's uniforms and sneak in.

"So, what do you think? About fifty… sixty guards?" Sokka asked. "I don't think we can take that many."

"Are you kidding? I'm the Avatar!" Aang said. "Just give me five minutes."

"Well, that may be, but even though it's been implied that you've been learning Waterbending, you can still only use Air for some unexplained reason. And you can't go into the Avatar State either." Sokka said, and then paused. "What the crap… an Avatar game without all the awesome Avatar bending powers and the Avatar State? Whose bright idea was this?!?"

"Well… I may only be able to use Air… for some strange reason… Air is still the best element, which is why the player won't control any of you for a second longer than it takes to perform Focus moves, or when the game forces the player to control someone other than me. I'll just go out there and kick the crap out of everyone with Airbending."

"But, didn't you get the memo? Bending powers are limited in this game by Chi. If you run out of Chi, you run out of Bending, which also makes no sense." Sokka said.

"You forgot cheats." Aang said. "I've got unlimited Chi. I've also got unlimited health, one-hit K.O., unlimited money, and all sorts of other helpful cheats."

"Oh… so that's how we defeated all those bosses so easily…" Sokka mused.

So, without further ado, Aang stepped boldly into the middle of the Fire Nation camp and laid waste to the guards. And although the bodies of the defeated disappeared into thin air, they didn't die. They were dishonored. Apparently, being dishonored makes you disappear. But, if that's true, Zuko should have gone bye-bye a long time ago. Not to mention after the Season Two finale.

Just as Aang predicted, he cleared out the guards within five minutes, and headed into the building, looking for the perfect people to steal their uniforms from. Thankfully, the Fire Nation had one twelve-year old retarded boy, and another fifteen-year old retarded boy in their employ… as soldiers. I blame Affirmative Action!

So Aang lays waste to the guards easily while Sokka stands around screaming, and basically doing nothing. They corner the retarded boys and beat the crap out of them, and stole their clothes.

Sokka quickly put on his new Fire Nation duds, which didn't look nearly as good as his Season Three design. "So, Aang, you ready to go…?" Sokka turned around and immediately trailed off. "Uh… Aang?"

"What is it, Sokka? Does it not fit me?" Aang asked, concerned. The clothes actually fit him just fine. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that these uniforms also happened to be the only frikken uniforms in the entire Fire Nation that didn't have head coverings. Aang's bald head and Airbender tattoos were still plain as day, and any Fire Nation officer that wasn't completely retarded could see it.

"Uh… Aang… the point of a disguise is to hide your identity." Sokka pointed out. "I think those Airbender tattoos and the giant Airbending staff is pretty obvious…"

"I… don't follow you, Sokka." Aang said.

Sokka stared at Aang in amazement. "Uh… never mind. I've read the script, and this plan is doomed to fail anyway."

Anyway, they left the camp and headed for the prison. But they soon ran into a group of Fire Nation soldiers along the way. One of the guards noticed Aang, or rather his disguise-destroying tattoos. "Halt! Who are you! You're not a Fire Nation soldier!"

"What? Of course I'm a Fire Nation soldier! Why wouldn't I be a Fire Nation soldier?" Aang said nervously.

"How about we start with… those pretty obvious Airbender tattoos." The guards said.

"Oh… the tattoos…" Aang began nervously. "They are… a… a chick magnet!"

"What?" The guard and Sokka asked.

"Yeah! You won't believe how these things work!" Aang began enthusiastically. "Have you listened to the people of this world recently? They are all practically in love with Airbenders! All you need are some tattoos, and viola, instant chicks!"

The Guard considered his words. "You know… that actually sounds crazy enough to work… I once ran into a chick who said if she saw an Air Nomad monk, she'd want to get with him at all freaking costs."

"Really?" Aang asked.

Sokka knocked Aang over the head.

The guard walked away, probably heading to the nearest tattoo parlor. "Thanks for the tip, buddy!"

Sokka glared at Aang for a second. "These people who are in love with Airbenders wouldn't happen to include my sister, would it?"

Aang laughed nervously.

LES: Next chapter, we'll get to meet the chick who wants to get with an Air Nomad monk at all freaking costs! Yes, this is based on a character I found in the game, exaggerated of course. But, enough of that, we'll get to her later. I mean, this part was just STUPID!!! Every single disguise Aang ever had in the show was at least smart enough to cover his Arrowhead. And none of the guards ever notice until the guys you stole the uniforms from rats you out. Just… stupid…