Carlisle walked slowly into his room under his wife's watchful gaze. He looked like an old man- far, far older than a 23-year-old- in fact; it looked as if he had actually lived for 362 years. Esme gasped when she realized his face was aged by sorrow and- could she bear it?- shame.
"Esme" He whispered. She rushed over to hug him, hurt by the pain in his voice, but he shook his head and pushed her gently apart.
"Carlisle" She stuttered, shocked. He had never before pushed her away. She quickly recovered "Come, sit with me. You can tell me about it"
"Esme, I-" He hesitated, and she could see how much it cost him, how much it pained him to get the words out. But he would try, that much she knew about him, that much she could be sure of.
"I'm pregnant with Felix's son" He said quickly, as if it was a medicine he had to drink and just wanted to get over the chore.
"What the fuck?" Esme shrieked, forgetting her manners. "How can you be pregnant? You're a man! And a vampire, for Christ's sake! And why in the name of God did you sleep with him?"
"Well, I thought the answer was obvious, dear" Carlisle answered "I'm gay"
"Don't you dare call me dear! And of course I know you're gay, you goof, do you not think I know about what happened with Aro that night? Do you doubt my intelligence?" Esme scoffed "What I meant to ask, was, how can you possibly be pregnant? And I thought you had better taste in men than that, Felix is disgusting!"
"He is not disgusting, he is my soul mate!" Carlisle yelled while his wife rolled her eyes "And why aren't you mad? I just cheated on you!"
"I'm not mad because I cheated on you too" She answered defiantly.
"What? With who?"
"Emmett. Jasper. Edward. All of them" Esme looked quite proud of herself "I am irresistible. Bella tried to seduce me, once, but I simply can't bear the child"
"What about Alice and Rose? Are they in love with their husbands, at least?" The clueless doctor inquired cluelessly. Esme scoffed again – it was apparently becoming a habit now that she didn't have to fake anymore.
"Oh, they're in love, alright" Carlisle breathed a sigh of relief "With each other. And Edward cheated on me with Emmett, but that's fine. Jazz is still loyal to his queen"
Apparently, many things had been occurring at the Cullen mansion for some time "Does Bella know?"
"Good Heavens, no! And you can't tell her" Esme looked alarmed "No one must know. I am the only one who knows everything – you too, of course, but with your attention span…"
"Well, darling, a gnat has a larger IQ" She said patronizingly. Apparently her Motherly instincts got the best of her once again. "Now, about that pregnancy thing…"
"Felix! Why did you just break the window?" For, indeed, Felix had. He took Carlisle into his arms.
"You will never keep us apart!" He yelled, shattering every glass for a mile. The two men burst out of the room, leaving Esme alone once more. She shrugged.
"Whoever tells me that my family is normal from now on will see me get my death by laughing"