I had a lot of crap uploading this chapter, but it;s done now. Enjoy. If you want to.
Let me tell you something. There is a nothing like a woman scorned. Rumour has it Hells' fury is white bread to it's multi-grain. By which I'm not saying women's fury is more nutritious, although it might be. But it's definitely more hard core. Bella Swan-Cullen-Swan certainly knew this. Or realized it. After she got over the feeling-sorry-for-herself-isn't-Edward-missing-me-why-hasn't-he-come-back-WHERE-THE-FUCK-IS-HE? Stage. Which, characteristically, took five decades. Now, being set in the future, there are some things you need to know.
1) Hover cars have been invented. No one uses them. They're kind of crap. Really hard to turn corners and such.
2) Mexico is now a cool state. Also, a plot by New Zealand to take over the world failed. They have to make do with ruling their sheep.
3) We get our power from the core of the earth, somehow, and it is mandatory for every house in the twenty biggest nations to have solar paneled roves. People use less power. Because they felt guilty when the last polar bear died.
Apart from that, none of which is relevant to this story, the future is pretty much like now. So basically, it might as well be set in the present. But it's not.
So, Bella has been moping for half a century. She's been living in a run down barn in South-East England. The farmer who owns the land on which the barn is situated believes he has a fox problem. He actually has a Meyerpire problem, if you can't work that out. So one day, Bella decides that she doesn't want to mope anymore. She wants revenge. She decides to swim to America, but three years later arrives by boat. She realized you have to know the way to a place to get there by yourself after she wound up in Darwin, Australia. The animals there all had skin-pockets. Awesome for keeping trinkets in.
Off Bella goes to Forks. It looks exactly the same as when she left. Those rednecks don't like no change. Nu-uh. No, sir-rey.
She walks into the family home, not realizing that fifty years passing probably means Charlie's dead. Or in his nineties. Turns out he's in his nineties.
'I used to 'ave a daughter, looked like yoo.' He says, with his new teeth.
Because in the future you don't get dentures. You get new teeth. Not grown in rats, but, because their mouths are bigger, cats. They're called Cheshires.
'Yeah, that would be me.' Bella says to Charlie, who is sitting in the living room, watching a television that is rather unplugged. 'I haven't really aged.'
'Aw, yeah, I remember now. Youse one of them fucking vampires.' Charlie says, and smooths the wrinkles on his arms like sleeves.
'No,' Bella says, 'I'm one of those blood-sucking vampires. Where are the Cullens?'
'Cullens? Aw, yep. They come back not six months ago. Got a new two wiv 'em. A girl and a boy. Weird looking kids. They don't know what they are. Vamolfman, I'd say they is. Or retards. Retards, they is. Well, not in the mind. But sure weird lookin'. They is always room temperature, them. Told me that, they did. I'd never touch them weird looking ones. Not on my life. Like me new teeth? While they being made I had to eat out of a tube. God, I miss that tube. Who the fuck are you? In my house, huh?'
'Ah,' Bella says, and backs away, towards the door. 'Bye.'
'I had a kid looked like you. Bit thick she was…'
Bella, well, off she goes to the Cullen house. Almost. But in the streets she notices people crossing to the other footpath when she approaches, and attempting to discreetly hold their noses and breathe out of their mouths. She returns to Charlie's chouse.
Charlie has moved into the kitchen. He's trying to eat a banana through a straw. It actually has the peel on. He looks up when Bella enters, or should I say, re-enters.
'Some children,' he sighs, the way that ninety year olds do, as though they are trying to force their every disagreement with the world into the act of exhaling. 'They don't never leave home.'
'Dad, I haven't lived here in fifty years,' Bella says as Charlie rolls his eye, and stabs his banana with the straw.
'Eiy, what you doing back, 'en?'
'I haven't bathed for a few decades. People think I smell.'
Charlie narrows his eyes and sniffs in her direction.
'Bloody Hell, that's you. I changed my underpants for nothin'.'
Charlie attempts to suck up his banana (that sounds like innuendo, but it's not) with the straw.
'Why don't you just bite it, Dad?'
'Oh, God. I miss me feeding tube so damn much.' Old Charlie starts crying, so Bella goes to have a shower. An hour later she reappears, wearing some clothes she found in her room. Her hair comes down to her waist, and her attire is completely out of fashion for the late 2050's, but I won't tell you what is in fashion then. Wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.
'I'm going to the Cullen's now, Dad.' Bells says to Charlie, who's still crying about his feeding tube.
Charlie sniffs. 'Awright, but get me some beer from the store, right? Just use the rhyme "Michael Jackson's nose will never, ever decompose".'
Anything with alcohol levels of more than two percent had been banned in Washington, Mississippi, Arizona and Los Angeles in 2038. The underground business was lucrative.
'Is beer okay for someone your age?' Bella asks.
'If I can't have a feeding tube, it's my right as an American to drown my sorrows.'
'And your brain cells.'
'Auch, I ain't pretending I got none o' them left. Get thee to a nunnery, woman.' Old Charlie says dismissively.
'Don't quote Hamlet at me, you old fart.'
'Don't go being a whore, then.'
Charlie squints at Bella. 'Who the hell are you?'
Bella sighs. 'I'm going.'
And off she goes to the Cullen home. It has been greatly renovated since Bella lived there. High walls surround it and its bit of forest. The place is huge, and the glass walls have been done away with. It's turned into a large mansion with a distinct 'fuck off' vibe. In fact, until Esme cleaned it off, those very words were spray painted across the gates at the front of the property.
Spray paintings very complicated in the late 2050's, what with the ban of aerosol cans. People have to use air-spray-guns. Except they're not called air-spray-guns, as the word 'gun' is taboo. They're called air-spray-HPM's. High pressure movers.
So Bella turns up at fuck off mansion, as it's affectionately known to the town, and climbs their wall. She doesn't actually have a plan, just the words revenge revenge revenge beating in her brain in time with her non-existent pulse. It is extremely Bella not to have a plan, just an insanely irrational feeling.
She skirts the house until she gets to the washing line, where she finds Jacob Black hanging up clothes by it. I mean on it. By it would be a bit stupid.
'Hi, Bella.' He says into the trees.
And Bella swears quite colourfully.
'Purpleshit pinkshit blueshit,' she says, and then runs to Jacob and hugs him.
'I've missed you so much Jakey.' She stands back to study him. He looks twenty five at most, but he's wearing his hair in the then fashionable 'grid' design. Bits of hair are strategically shaved off in a grid pattern, so the remaining short-hair is separated into lonely squares.
Bella suddenly realizes that she once kinda-sorta-not-much-enough-for-oh-you're-a-tease-not-enough-for-dating-loved Jacob. So she grabs his hand in an act of spontaneity.
'Jacob, I love you, let's run away together.'
Jacob stares at her, open mouthed, and he quite clearly has not brushed his teeth after his last meal, before frowning.
'Ah, Bella, look at my ring finger,' he says, which is not quite what Bella was expecting. Bella looks down to find a wedding ring.
Whoa, dudes, did not see that coming.
'It's dirt encased in glass,' Jacob says, fondling, I mean handling the ring. 'It symbolizes forever. Cause dirt if forever.'
'Yes, I got that.' Bella snaps. I mean, literally snaps, as in she breaks Jacob finger. Snaps it. Right here, right now. Aww yeah. Actually, his pain is excruciating.
'What the hell was that for?'
'Who did you marry? Huh, punk? Who was it? TELL ME OR I'LL EAT YOU!'
'YOU KNOW WHO! RENESME! I, I married Renesme.'
Bella widens her eyes, shocked. Whereas we all worked out who he married when he first presented the ring, didn't we? I KNOW YOU'RE RAISING YOUR HANDS!
'But Renesme's just a baby.'
'No, you're right. I'm a complete paedophile. Bella, you're an idiot. It's been ages. She grew up. We've had two kids, actually. Blane and Shona. No stupid names like Renesme. Not that I think my wife's name is stu- actually, I do. Everyone does. She does. People call her Blaise now. Cause of her personality. She's like fire, baby!'
'I hate you,' Bella says.
'It's kind of a good thing I didn't agree to run away with you then.' Bella glares.
'Ah, god, don't look at me like that. It's like meeting the in laws all over again. Ah, I have to go inside, wanna come with?'
'Yes, I do,' Bella says. 'But I hate you.'
Jacob shrugs. 'Alright, just don't take it out on the gran-kids.'
'You have gran-kids?'
'No… you do. Blane and Shona. I mean, I would've called them Billward and…'
Jacob holds his hands in the air like he just don't care. No, actually, he does it apologetically and walks towards fuck-off mansion. Bella follows.
'So… my daughter is now Renesme Black?'
'No, I told you. She changed her name to Blaise. She's Blaise Black. She ain't Cullen no one no more.'
Bella frowns in confusion, a feeling she often experiences.
'As in Culling? Culling, Cullen? Never mind. After you, mother-in-law.'
Bella proceeds Jacob into fuck off mansion and into the living room, where Emmett Jasper, and who must be Blane and Shona are sitting.
Bella realizes that when Charlie said his great-gran-kids were weird looking, he didn't mean they had wolf claws, vampire teeth and were green. He was actually just being racist. They look like perfectly normal Native-American We-Invaded-American crosses of about twenty five.
In fact, Bella thinks, Blane's a bit hot.
For a relative.
'Hi, Bella.' Emmett says, extremely nonchalantly.
At that moment Edward enters the room.
'Bella?' he says, hearing Emmett. He looks at Bella before down at himself.
'Strange,' he says mockingly, 'I'm in a nightmare, yet I'm not naked.'
'Oh, ha ha,' Bella replies. 'So, have you got any living girlfriends, Edward?'
'At the moment I'm between girlfriends. Sandwiched, as it were. Kidding, kidding. Three-somes were so 2040's. No girlfriends at the moment, and no more love children, either. Made myself watch a video on contraception after that.'
Blane speaks up from the couch, looking at Bella.
'So, you're my grandma.'
'Depends who's asking,' Bella says.
'Ah… your grandson…'
'Then, yes, I suppose I am. Blane.' Bella says his name in an eerily perverted way, Because he really is handsome. For a relative.
Thankyou for reading. Just for the record, it's dedicated to Shona. and was written in purple pen, much like its co-chapter.
To be continued...