AN: is there such a thing as comparing a majestic blonde to a mutilating corpse? Is it wrong to want him, is it wrong to ask for something in return? This is not a feeling that he wants to fight, and he's never been right – but he wants to be.

He doesn't think about that night with Donovan very often. He figures it has something to do with killing him – as if killing him could return any purity Guts had left.

He figures that killing Donovan is the best thing he ever did.

It's a lie when he says he's forgotten.

He feels it every time someone Donovan-like is near to him. It scares him to be off the battlefield when he's confronted with someone bigger and broader, unfeeling eyes and chocolate skin.

It scares him when he thinks of that night and remembers all he lost than.

It's a lie when he says he doesn't care.

What scares Guts more than anything is the fact that Griffith was able to give so easily, what Donovan took with force.

What Donovan took, Griffith gave.

He knows they can never be the same.

Who can never be the same? Griffith/Guts, Donovan/Griffith?

Is that the main reason? Guts tries not to think of it. It bothers him more than it should. What bothers him most of all is that it bothers him that Griffith lay with another man.


What bothers him is that it bothers him that Griffith…

It bothers him that it bothers him that Griffith…

He doesn't know for sure.

that Griffith can exist without him.

Does he need Guts?

It's not a yes/no question, and it's more complicated than it ever should have been. Somewhere along the line Guts made it complicated.

Is it wrong to want him?

Donovan wanted him.

Is it wrong to want him?

He used brute force and made him his.

Is it wrong to want him?

Donovan took and took and took.

Guts doesn't know if it's wrong for sure. He's not good with these kind of things, and the fact that his virginal body had been sold when he was still so young made it hard to stay objective.

So is it wrong to want him?

Guts doesn't ever think Griffith is wrong. But Griffith uses men in every meaning of the word. He goes through them like they're nothing—they're but pawns in his game.

Guts refuses to ever be used by anyone again. Not even Griffith.

He figures that maybe, if Griffith knows, it will be okay. Maybe it will been fine, and they will be able to get through it—if only Guts tells him, he will help—Griffith is wise, he will tell Guts everything he wants to know about the subject.

Is it wrong to love him?

Donovan didn't love him.

So is it wrong to love him?

He figures that, since Griffith loves him back, it's quite alright anyway.

AN: obviously written at the beginning of the manga – first Berserk fic, any comments or tips (constructive critisism or praise)?