I do not own Torchwood, which is a tragedy. ;)

Attention: Since I am from Canada, i used the word "Butt." Thanx to my lovely UK reviewers, i know i made a mistake, and i should've used the word "Bum" So, i changed all the "butt"s in this story to "bum"s. If you want it the Canadian/US version, just mentally change all the bums into butts.

Nice Bum by the darkness revealed

Why me?" thought Ianto as he stood there, a gun pressed to his head. The day had started off so well: he'd woken up cuddled up to Jack, Owen had a sore throat so he couldn't talk and Gwen had finally finished some extremely overdue paperwork. But then things had taken a turn for the worst. First, they'd had to capture some very violent Weevils, then Myfwany got the flu. To top it all off, Captain John Hart had decided to visit, which then led to Ianto's current situation. He was standing with his back against John's chest, with John's gun at his head. Opposite them were Jack, Tosh, Gwen and Owen, all too scared to move in case John shot him.

Ianto sighed. It was ridiculous how many times he had had a gun pressed to his head.

Then suddenly, he felt something… Captain John was feeling up his bum!

Outraged, he said loudly, "Get your hands of my bum!"

Jack snarled at John, "That's right, hands off!" To Ianto, he said, "Remind me to stamp PROPERTY OF JACK on your bum later."

Owen snorted, or tried to.

"Well, you have to admit, it's a very nice arse," John said.

"Nice doesn't describe it!" jack said. "It's fabulous, gorgeous, flawless, yummy, perfect, wonderful…"

Owen silently groaned.

"Yes, Ianto's bum is very nice to look at," Gwen agreed.

"Gwen!" Tosh cried, scandalized. "You're married!"

"So? I can't help it! It's just so nice to look at!" Gwen explained.

"It is, actually," Tosh conceded.

"Excuse me!" Ianto cried. "I'm standing here, with a gun pressed to my head, and you're discussing my bum!"

Everyone (except Owen who had gone off to sulk) turned and looked at him.

"Well, you have to admit, it's a very nice arse" John said.

"Oh yes," everyone else agreed.

Ianto groaned. He was going to be stuck here forever.

Well, this little idea bit me, and it wouldn't let go. So i wrote it! Hope you liked it- please please review!