"Mom?" I heard the crackling over the line, the connection not nearly as good as I wished it would be. I shut my eyes, "Mom are you there?"
"Honey?" her voice was surprised, "Its good to hear from you. Your dad and I were just talking about you. You would love it here baby, there is so much to capture, I'm scared I wont have enough time to get it all even if I'm here forever" She chuckled, the sound piercing my heart leaving me silent.
"Honey?" her voice a thousand times heavier then it had been moments before. "Is everything okay?"
A took a deep breath, but when I opened my mouth no words came out just a small cry.
"Oh baby, what is it?"
"I need to come home." I whispered, my eyes shut and my hand, white knuckled, holding the phone as if it was a life line. "Just for a little bit, some time off…" I can't see him, not right now. I feel broken, shattered.
"Of course baby, you'll father and I we'll take the next flight-"
"No!" I cut her off, "I don't want you guys to worry" eyes tight, tears falling down my face I took a hard breath, "I just wanted to make sure it was okay."
"Of course it is baby, it's your home." God, I hope so. I thought. At what age does your childhood home not become your home. When you're bedroom no longer reeks of time spent but of memories from a far away past.
There was a pause before she spoke again, "Honey, I'm going to get daddy and we'll be on the next-"
"Mom please," I said, "I just-" I swallowed hard hating that I was going to lie to her "School is just very overwhelming right now, I just want a little break. You don't need to cut your trip short."
"Are you sure?" I could her it in her voice, the sacrifice of leaving her world behind "I'm sure mom."
"Well, okay," another pause "When were you thinking about leaving?" I looked at the bags on the floor next to my bed already packed.
I felt strong arms pull me gently further inside the room, while another groaned "Ah, my boots"
I was led to a chair, where I hunched over, elbows on my knees, trying to regain my composure, my stomach still turning over.
I glanced Alex; the man I had used to forget Sam one drunken night that was years ago, yet had a reminder every day since then. He isn't Alex I reminded myself. There is no Alex in front of me. Only Sam's older brother Dean.
Sam who was soothingly rubbing my back, trying to give me a comfort I didn't deserve. I watched as Dean reached for a towel that had be laying aimlessly around, and began wiping my mess of him. Without looking at me or his brother, he asked, his voice gruff and annoyed "Friend of yours Sammy?"
I put my head in my hands wishing I could turn back the proverbial clock and not be here right now. The soothing motions on my back stopped, "No," I could feel his presences as he walked away from me "Not anymore." I looked up and was shocked by the changes I saw in him. Not just his physical appearance, which always had a very illuminating presences but now more so; only now it seemed darker. "What are you doing here Aureila?"
Dean, not Alex; had immediately went into the bathroom to change. Leaving me with a angry pacing Sam. I finally looked up after what seemed like an hour. Still pacing, I sighed, "I shouldn't have come here." mumbled, not thinking he could hear me.
"You're right. You shouldn't have." I was wrong. "How did you find me Rae" I cringed at his voice, at the sound of him saying my name. It brought me to close to memories I didn't want to have, of different times he said my name.
"I didn't find you," I finally settled on saying, looking up at him frowning. "You found me." at his blank 'what is she talking about' expression I continued, "I saw you at the bar tonight."
"So you followed me here?"
"What?" I stood up, shaking off the dizziness I was feeling, "No I didn't follow you here Sam."
"Well you want to explain to me how you ended up at the doorstep throwing up on my brother"
Brother. His brother. I had sex with his brother. Sam's brother. His brother is now- I tried not to cringe. "Look, I was pissed. I was drunk- I-I-" I spurted out nothing, not sure if I was talking about tonight or the night that changed everything. His brother, his brother. till finally I said, "I wanted some answers."
"You want answers?" He asked, throwing his arms up in the air his face annoyed, " after all these years you want answers?" he shook his head, "I wake up one morning and you're just gone. You just left school without a goodbye and without anyway for me to get a hold of you."
"Well I didn't think you'd care!" I shouted back.
"Do I have to separate you too?" another voice, his voice said walking out of the bathroom newly changed causing me to look away. Coming here was a mistake. A very big mistake. I wondered how I didn't recognize him from the bar.
Sam Ignored him, his eyes still on me. "You were my best friend and you just left. Without an explanation." he ran his fingers through his still shaggy hair, "I know you were mad at me. But to just run off like that?"
"It wasn't just about you…" I said quietly, trying my damniest not to look at his brother.
"Then what was is about Rae? We fight, then a month later you're just gone?"
"Well at lest I didn't blow up and suddenly end up at the bar near you." I shouted, shaking my head trying not to cry but failing miserably "You died Sam." I saw the emotions cross his face, then just as soon close off.
"I didn't think you'd care," he said using my early words against him.
"Who are you?" I whispered, shaking my head. "Cause it sure as hell isn't the man I used to know."
He glared at me, "You never knew me to start with." And if that wasn't just a slap to my face. I nodded my head, nervously playing my ring and biting my lip. "I should go then," I started to walk, feeling myself stumble over the first few steps.
"You can't drive." I didn't meet his eyes, "I'll walk."
"You can barely walk a straight-line." My gaze snapped to his, "I sure as hell can't stay here." frowning he shook his head, "Dean will drive you."
"What? No." I gaped at him.
"Hey, if you want to go and get yourself killed so be it,"
He was right. Of course he was right. There have been very few times that Sam Winchester had been wrong. "Whatever," I mumbled, not looking at Dean. Walking to the door, I ignored Sam eyes but felt them like a knife in the back as I walked.
"Just better not puke in my baby," I heard a gruff voice mutter as the door shut behind me.
Breathe. Breathe. I kept telling myself I just needed to breath.
"Rae?" I heard the tearful sound of Brady over the phone, "A bunch of us are getting together. I'd like it if you could come back for the service."
"It wont be to big, just a few of us from our old gang."
"He would want you there." I shut my eyes listening to the sound of his voice.
There were so many things I had to say to Sam, so many words I hadn't spoken. Did he know that after he 'died' I went back to Stanford? To the weeping angel and spent an hour there regretting not telling him goodbye? That I wanted nothing more to let the blackness swallow me hole. That I would have if it wasn't' for-
"Don't mind my brother," Dean said, eyes still on the road. The only indication he knew I was in the car with him was his calm voice.
"I'm-" I sighed, looking at his profile "About that night-"
"Look lady," his eyes finally going off the road and onto me "I don't know who you are," My brows furrowed together, but he continued "But when some strange chick shows up at the motels yelling about an asshole Winchester," he grinned wickedly, "Normally its about me and not Sammy." He shrugged, eyes going back to the road. "So whoever you were in his past, is just that" he gave me another look "the past."
I studied his eyes, there honestly seemed to be no recollection of that night together. Could it have been someone else? I eyed the dashboard. Even drunk I remember the car he used to drive me home; the car we almost ended up naked in. "You don't know who I am?" I asked cautiously.
He eyed me, brow raised questioning, "Should I?"
No. no he shouldn't. And I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding. It stung a bit that he didn't remember, but that sting was quickly replaced with a breath of fresh air. "No." I said, feeling better "I guess not."
"Hey Sammy," I looked at the statue, "Its been awhile." I whispered. Clearing my throat, I put a gentle hand out to touch the cold granite of the statue. "Its almost fitting that this is were I say my goodbye to you." I took my hand back, as if it was a house of cards ready to fall.
I shut eyes, "All I have are questions. Questions that I'll never get answered."
"They went out to drink a beer in your honor." sighing, I sat down on the cold ground. My eyes back on the angel of grief. "It feels wrong to me. Drinking to your death." death. That word sounded so cold, so final on my tongue.
I sat there for a long time, feeling numb and alone in the world. Feeling as though there had been a grand mix up in the universe and he wasn't dead, and the cirucumstances surrounding his death hadn't been so out of the ordinary and packed full with lies.
"What could cause an angel to weep?" I mumbled half to myself, half to the statue, "losing what it loved."
I was making dinner and pretending that the world around me wasn't is a state of chaos. I couldn't help but think how all these one word emotions had so much behind them, and could coexists in a bitter battle inside myself.
For one I felt betrayal. A deep betrayal that ran deep in my veins. It was raw and angry and it wanted to tear at my seams until nothing was left but screaming and hate. Instead, I was putting chicken in the oven and peeling potatoes.
A light of hope of something that had always clouded my mind with what if' had be replaced with a knowledge that what I frequently feared had no bearing in my life anymore. I was off the hook.
There was knowledge that you could no longer look to books to find, but in secret. In the past and also in the present. Knowledge in a living thing, that is inconsistent and takes pleasure in always being right, even at the cost at what it holds dear.
Time is a lie. Time does not heal wounds, and the hands of time are not measured by that of a clock or calendar. There is no time; there is only waiting.
"I'll get it!" a voice yelled from the living room the soft sound of feet hitting the wooden floors made me smile. "No you wont," I yelled back, putting the potatoes I had been peeling down.
Love had no ending, no limitation. When you love someone, there is no risks, no mistakes. Only chances to do better.
I walked out to the living in time to see the door open, getting ready to chide her the words got stuck in my throat. "Hi!" The girl said, staring up. "Who are you?"
"Honey," I finally managed to say, walking up behind putting my hands on her shoulders never making eye contact with the two men standing in front of her, "Why don't you go to your room and finish your picture before dinner is ready." Big hazel eyes stared up at me, frowning "But mommm." she said, her hands going to her hips.
"No buts, just go." I said, gently moving her out of the way. I heard her exasperated sigh, before looking curiously at the two men then back at me before stomping into her bedroom down the hall.
"What do you want?" I hissed, finally getting enough courage to lash out at their unexpected visit. My heart fearing what will come if the truth gets out.
"Who was that?" Sam asked, his whole body screaming shock.
"My daughter," I said defiantly. "Now what do you want?"
"How old is she?" Sam asked, looking confused. I bite the inside of my cheek, making damn sure I didn't look him or his brother in the eye "Five. Now if you're done with twenty one questions."
I could see the calculation in his eyes. "Rae," he said softly "Is that why you left. You were pregnant?" I had no answer for him.
They sat on the couch, each nursing a beer. "Now, if you'd tell me what you're doing here I'd like you to leave. Dinner will be done soon and-"
"Honey I'm home!" Came another voice from the door, this time it opened by itself and I wasn't nearly as surprised to see Cory walk in, stopping suddenly when he saw our guest. "Oh." was all he said.
The door opened in the hallway, the sound of tiny feet running "Uncle Cory!" throwing her tiny body at him "I'm drawling a new picture." I watched as he picked her up, a smile on his face.
"Of what?" he asked, her smiling getting bigger "Of a tiger!"
"A tiger?" she nodded her head "And a lion and a bear and a tin man an a scarecrow"
Sam and Dean shot me a curious look, I planned on ignoring it but sighed answering there unspoken question "She watched the Wizard of Oz at the babysitters last night."
"Well how about you show me it," Cory asked, then giving me a look at she squirmed out of his arms taking his hand and leading him to her room "I'll be in there with Samantha, call if you need me"
"Samantha?" Two men said simultaneously.
"Keep your voices down." I chide, my eyes darting to where my daughter would be.
I gave up hope of not having to explain "I was doped up on pain killers and feeling very sentimental." I looked at my hands, "So I named her after you." I all but was knocked over with a rush of memories, "Its what we planned on anyways."
I watched Dean get a very confused look on his face, Sam must have noticed it also. With a slight smile he explained what I didn't want too. "We agreed one night that when one of us would have a kid, we'd name it after the other one."
"I wasn't planning on it." I told them, "I just. I was there in the hospital and I didn't have any idea what to name her and when she opened her big eyes," big hazel eyes that looked so much like Sam, big hazel eyes that should have been a clue to start with "It just happened."
"I'm not mad." Sam said, but he looked mad and when I snuck a glance a Dean he looked- very calm.
He really doesn't remember, I told myself.
"As much as I'm enjoying this…" Dean trailed, his eyes on his brother, "We have business to do."
Sam sighed, running his fingers through his shaggy hair not meeting my eyes when he began to talk. "You said you wouldn't do it again. I believed you."
"What?" I asked, completely baffled by his question. "I have no idea what your talking about."
"The night after the cemetery. You told me you'd stop trying to chase ghost around with your camera. That it was a waste of time."
"You're here because I take picture of haunted house?" I asked, confused.
"I'm here because you stepped into something you shouldn't have." He countered, looking deadly.
"Sorry to interrupt," Cory said, Sami at his side, "the little one is hungry."
"Oh crap!" I jumped up and rushed into the kitchen, knowing I was going to find burnt chicken. Dinner, was no longer a simple as sticking it in the oven. Not when the Winchester's stopped by. Not when you have a secret hungry, and the beginning of that secret watching.
I giggled hearing my mom say a bad word. I looked at the two strange men sitting on the couch, tilting my head a gave them a curious look before saying "you must make mom nervous" I told them. "she says swearing is bad and only does it when she's nervous or upset." whispering I added "or really really mad. Like when she stubs her toe in the morning getting coffee" I smiled at them. They stared back at me, strange expression on both their faces. Probably cos' I didn't tell them who I was. "I'm Samantha Beth Turner." I stuck my hand out to them to shake. Mom told me to always be polite to guest.
The giant one gave me a smile, shaking my hand. Which looked super tiny in his, "I'm Sam"
"Sam?" I said, surprised, "That's my name! I told mom it was a boys name but she didn't believe me! Did you tell her it was a boys name?" I asked.
"I thought your name was Samantha," the other one said. He was big too, but not a giant an looked tiny near the gaint. "It is." I shrugged, "Cos' sometimes people call me Sam" I shook my head sadly, "and then' I tell them. Look, that's a boys name and I'm not some icky boy." He cracked a smile at me. "No short stuff, you aren't"
"I'm not short" I complained, "I'm just young!" then trying to copy the face my mom uses when she's mad at someone, "What's your excuse?" I asked staring at the other one.
He laughed, "I have a giant for a brother that just makes me look short" he told with a light in his eyes.
I nodded my head, understanding "that'd do it."
Its been forever since I updated this. *sigh* sorry about that. its been almost a year. :l
I have to leave for work in about twenty mins. BLAAAAAAAAH. So, review so when I get home from a bad day, I have something to make me feel better & give my muse a little push in working some more :) ohh & also a giant sam size thanks to Elm treigh, for helping me with a part in this. :)