Hey it's me! I had a really bad weekend because my Great Aunt died and she was like a second mom to my mom, so she was like my second grandma. And my friend suggested I write something humorous to cheer myself up. And it did; I had a lot of fun writing this so be nice!

Written on 8/31/09 for Renji's birthday! I love you Renji-kun, your my favorite Bleach character!

Warning: I don't own Bleach. And dammit stop reminding me!


"What do you want, Urahara?"

"Oh, Renji-kun why do you assume I need something? Couldn't it be that I'm just saying ''hi''?" The blond said from behind his fan.

"No. It's like almost ten at night and you're hiding that mischievous grin of yours with that fan." I replied matter-of-factly.

"My, my. Was I that obvious? By the way it's 10:07 to be exact. And I do need you to do me a small favor." He said humorously. That can't be good.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked suspiciously.

"I need you to tell Jinta and Ururu a bedtime story." He said in his sing-song voice. My answer was immediate.

"No."

"Ah, but Renji-kun-"

"No way in hell!" I cut off.

"Are you sure about that?" He asked.

"Of course. Why would I waste my time telling a story to your brats?"

"Because you're staying at my home and mooching off my food as well. And after all the hospitality I've shown you, you can't do me this one favor?" The crafty hat-wearing bastard argued.

I opened my mouth to protest....and then closed it. I couldn't think of one good reason why I shouldn't do this guy a favor. I mean I do owe Urahara for letting me stay here, even if he could be an as. Still, it would be the right thing to do. Of course I personally have always questioned the line between right and wrong...

"Well Renji-kun?"

Tic-toc, tic-toc. I ran out of time with my useless mind-rambling. So, what to do? I could tell the kids a story to get him off my back. Or I could tell him to shove it and walk away. Of course that might get me kicked out and make me look like an ass. Although, it wouldn't be the first time.

"Earth to Renji?" Urahara called waving a hand in front of my face. Times up. And there's only one choice left..

I sighed. "Which way to the brats' room?" I asked dryly.

"It's great to see that you're so enthusiastic about it!" Urahara commented before he chuckled.

"Oh, hehehehehe. Very funny. Now here's the deal I tell the kids one story and that's it!" I might've been forced into this by guilt, but I don't come without a price. I wonder if I could get paid...er...no. No, I'm not getting paid.

"That's all I ask. Now have fun! Oh and be careful, they bite!" And that was the only warning I got before I was politely shoved into the kids' room.

"Um...hey...how's it going?" I asked awkwardly.

"So, you're the dipshit that's gonna tell us a story?" The redhead demanded. I had to tip my head down just to glare at the midget.

"Here's a piece of advice kid. Make sure to take notice of the difference in size before insulting someone!" I yelled. The kid snorted and sat plopped down on the bed.

"Um...excuse me but...are you gonna tell us the story?" The other kid asked. She was timid and quiet. I already liked her better than the boy.

"Yeah, sure um....uh..."

"Are you retarded?" Jinta asked.

"NO!"

"Yeah you're only semi-retarded."

"Shut up pip-squeak! I'm gonna tell you a story and you're going to listen!" Silence. Sweet, sweet silence! I took a deep breath.

"There was this frog who fell in love with an Asian princess chic. Chic didn't like frogs, but got drunk, kissed the frog, and the frog turned into an Asian doctor! And they lived happily...in Russia. There ya' go! Goodnight!"

"Hey, that wasn't even a real story!!" The brat complained.

"Could you please tell us a better story Moocher-san?" Ururu asked.

Renji sighed. He wasn't very good at story telling. Well, let's think logically here. Girls usually like stories with princesses, cute guys, and unicorns. Boys normally liked stuff that blew up, had swords and squirrels. Okay, now all he had to do was make this work!

"Okay....You guys ready?" The two nodded. "Once upon a time..."

"Reeeennjiiiii-kun!~" A squeal came from the doorways. I turned to find an overly excited Rangiku charging towards me.

"Gah! What are you doing here?" She pouted.

"Taicho said he needed some quiet time and sent me here! He can be so mean!" She turned towards the pair of young blinking eyes now directed at her.

"What are you doing with the kids?" she asked curiously.

"Urahara's making me tell them a bedtime story so-" I was interrupted by a girlish squeal.

"Oh, that's so cute! I wanna listen too! Please!!~" Another sigh. "Fine." I muttered. She clapped her hands and sat on the floor.

Okay, one more giddy person and her two melons. I can handle this. I cleared my throat to begin again. "Once upon a time..."

"Oi! Renji! You in here?" Yelled the bald man poking his head in the door. I smacked my forehead. Not him too. Scratch that, I mean not them too!

"Ikkaku, Yumichika what are you doing here?" Rangiku asked.

"We came to see if Renji wanted to train a little. So...what's going on here?" Ikkaku asked, looking from the brats to the woman to me.

"Urahara, roped me into telling these to a story. And Rangiku dropped by and decided to listen too." I explained.

"Oh, we want to listen too!" Yumichika voiced. "We do?" Ikkaku asked. Yumi whacked him in the head. "Yes, we do. I'm bored so we're going to listen. Or else you won't be getting any tonight!"The beauty obsessed man threatened.

It seemed to work because the bald man paled and then retreated to the floor where his partner sat as well.

"What do you by he wont be getting any? Any what?" Jinta asked. All the older people in the room paled.

"Uh...He meant he won't be getting any..." Renji began. "Cookies!" Rangiku finished quickly. Everyone turned to stare at the blond. Her only response was a shrug. Ikkaku and I both slapped our foreheads simultaneously.

"Oh, you mean sex." Ururu said.

Everyone now stared at the quiet, well-behaved, young girl. After not moving for several minutes I mentally slapped myself to awaken my mind. I took a deep breath once again.

"Alright! Once upon a time..."

"Hey guys!"

GOD DAMMIT!!!!! What the $^$%&*%$$?! My mind screamed.

"Hey it's berry head!" Jinta shrieked.

"Iiiichiii-kun!~ What are you doing here?" Rangiku said.

"I came by to see Urahara. Why are you guys here?"

"Urahara-san is having Moocher-san tell us a story. And the others have joined us." Ururu said.

"Really? Hey can I-"

"SIT DOWN SO I CAN FINISH THE STORY STRAWBERRY!" Renji yelled. Startled by the redhead's outburst, Ichigo sat down without any retort.

Once again I took a deep breath. Silence. Sweat, heavenly silence! I glanced at the doorway to make sure no one was coming. "Okay...Once upon a freakin' time, there was a princess."

"Was she beautiful or hideous?"

"Uh...she was hot"

"Did she have a big rack?"

"Yah, she did. It was the same size as yours.''

"Can she be blond too?"

"Sure, why the hell not? While we're at it, I'll make her an alcoholic."

"Anyway...The princess wasn't allowed to spend any of her families money."

"Why?" Asked Jinta.

"Because life is a bitch. So, she needed a job if she wanted to buy stuff. By day she was a princess, but by night she was a..."

"Prostitute!" Ikkaku chimed.

"....Yes, a prostitulte. Anyway one day a guy came to to ask for her service. But, he didn't have enough money so she fed him to her pet. He was a vicious mutant ugly as sin."

"Wait before we go any further, can I get a cool part in this story?" Ichigo asked.

"...Sure, whatever." Renji muttered. "Thank you." Ichigo said.

"This ugly creature had bright, orange hair and was named Strawberry!"

"Hey! You asshole!" Ichigo fumed. I shrugged.

"As I was saying there was this really handsome merchant who sold squirrels and swords. He wanted the prostitute princess, but was poor and had barely any cash. So, ne used his sword to make squirrel sushi and gave it to the princess as a gift. And it was fed to Strawberry."

"Squirrel sushi?" Yumichika asked.

"Yah, it was really popular in China."

"Can this merchant be bald?" Just guess who asked me that. No really, just guess.

"Why not! Anyway....The princess was so pleasing that the bald merchant wanted to marry her. So, he asked the king and queen if he could marry their daughter. But they had major case of stick-up-my-ass syndrome, like Kuchiki-taicho, and said he couldn't 'cause he was poor."

"Does Kuchiki-taicho really have that?" Rangiku asked.

"Yah, be careful it's contagious. So, the bald merchant needed to get rich fast. So, he went to Prince Urahara for help. But the Prince said no, and laughed hysterically from behind his fan. So, what did the guy do? He blew up the prince and his castle, and stole all his money and valuables."

Renji looked at the all the gaping faces. "I know, revenge is a bitch. So, he got rich and married the big-breasted princess. But, then her parents found out that she was a prostitute and tried to disown her. So, Strawberry ate them. Now, the rich, bald merchant and the ex-prostitute princess ruled the kingdom.

They had two children. An annoying little redheaded boy, and a quiet black-haired girl. Oh, and strawberry had babies too."

"I thought he was a boy!" Ichigo yelled. "He is." Renji replied smuggly.

"And so they all lived as one screwed up family, in one messed up kingdom. The fucking end!"

Silence. Complete utter silence. It was all like a wonderful dream. It was like it was his birthday. Now the brats would go to bed, the others would leave, and he could get rid of this headache. It was so great! Until....

"You know Renji-kun, that sounded a lot like a bad fanfic." Yumichika said.

And with that I bashed my head against the wall praying for unconsciousness to come...

*OMAKE*

Exhausted, Renji was finally able to make it out of that hellish room. He was ready for a long night of rest. And for God's sake no more surprises!

"Abarai-san."

Speak of the devil, there was his taicho. Of all times, why NOW?!

"Hey Taicho, why are you here?" I asked.

"Urahara-san invited me over. But Renji I have a question for you." I gulped.

"What is it?" I asked nervously.

"Can you tell me more about this stick-up-the-ass syndrome, and how contagious it is?" If Renji hadn't been in hell before, he was seeing Hitler by now.

Oh shit...

"My, my Renji-kun. You should be careful who you blow up in bedtime stories. Karma is a bitch, ne?" A hat wearing, conniving blond said from the other room.


Poor Renji. He's probably gonna get tortured by his taicho...*fangirl fantasy*

Uh...anyway that was at least pretty funny and quite interesting. And writing it really put me in a good mood. Now I just have to wait for school to ruin it. Ugh.

Review, please! For Renji's b-day and for me! No flames! I apologize for mistakes and hope you enjoyed!