A/N: Happy 70th, Ric Flair. I mean, story. I mean, what? It's kinda short.
"Whoever's idea it was to bring Randy to this barbecue," Kait leaned a little closer to Becky so she could get a better look at Randy across the yard, "is a fucking genius."
"You can thank my gay boyfriend for that," Becky said. "You guys make fun of him but they're attached at the hip."
"He can be gay for the rest of his life if it means Randy'll be within close proximities." Mack bit her straw. "Does he know how good he looks?"
"He probably revels in it."
"But he's just standing there! Chatting up Theodore like he actually has something constructive to say." Mack fanned herself. "I want to get lit with him later."
"Fuck you, you guys got lit on your birthday! It's our turn!"
Chris Jericho fell across the girls' laps, arms spread wide. "Ladies, everyone can get lit! No child gets left behind."
"Isn't that Batista's saying?"
Chris sat up, putting all of his weight onto Mack. He bounced a little. "So who are we ogling, ladies? The sexy beast himself?"
"The King of the World—"
"NOT YOU!" they all yelled.
Kait pointed. "Randy."
Chris turned, then lifted his nose. "Oh. He's not much to look at."
"Like you're an eyeful."
"I am." Chris lifted his arm, flexing. "Look at these guns!"
Mack grabbed a slab of his side. "Look at this muffin top!"
Jay stopped in front of them, plate full of food. "Muffins? Where?"
"Do you really have four cheeseburgers on your plate?"
Kait rolled her eyes, going for one.
He stepped back. "Uh, you can't have them."
"Because... I'm... um, hungry."
Kait's face turned to stone. "Jay."
He wouldn't look at her.
He cringed. "Ew, don't call me that—"
"Are those cheeseburgers for the cats?"
"Who are they for, then?"
"Me! I'm hungry!"
"That's bullshit, Jay, and you know it."
"Do you think I would disrupt their diets with this greasy food? I take care of my cats, Kaitlyn. I love them, nurture them—"
All eyes fell onto the man towering beside Jay. He was smirking.
"Care for them, hold them tightly at night, sing them to sleep, make sure they're tucked in—"
Randy held his big hand out. "Which one of you broads got the goods?"
"ME!" screamed four voices.
Randy looked at Chris. "What?"
Chris blinked. "Uh, nothing."
"Whatever. Who wants to go out back with me?"
Kait jumped to her feet. "So, since you guys are preoccupied and—"
Mack pushed Chris off her. "I'm free!"
Becky stood, too. "So am I!"
"Make sure they're not hungry, make sure they have enough toys, play with them, make sure they get their daily amounts of exercise—"
Randy put his arms around the girls, looking back at Jay. "What's he doing?"
"Oh, nothing. Just ignore him."
The world was distant, but they could definitely hear cheering. And clapping.
"What is that?" Mack mumbled.
Randy laughed, wrapping his arm tightly around her neck. His eyes were barely open, the blue bright against the red. "It sounds like fireworks."
"No, no," Kait said weakly, lifting her head from his lap. "I think it's... applause."
All four of them burst into laughter.
But they slowly stopped when the noise got louder.
Randy stood up. "Come on, ladies. Let's go investigate."
"Like Sherlock Holmes!"
"Watson," Kait barked.
They all roared with laughter again as they went back to the party. The cacophony was getting louder by the second, and before they knew it, they were back with everyone else.
But everyone else was a bit preoccupied.
Randy cocked his head. "What are they doing?"
Chris, with a plastic gun raised high over his head, stood beside a long table in torn Ref's shirt. He was holding a long note, eyes closed, teeth bared.
Adam, Cody and Jay were positioned over their massive watermelons, eyes on Jericho.
"THREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Jericho sang.
They grabbed their watermelons.
Lowered their heads.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jericho bellowed, and pulled the trigger. A tiny flag popped out of the gun, with the words BANG! on it.
And Mack, Kait, Becky and Randy watch the three grown men across from them smash their faces into the watermelon to commence the contest.
Mack tapped her bottom lip with her finger. "Adam's good at devouring things."
"WHOA, Christ." Randy covered his face.
"WHAT? Look at him!"
Kait shook her head. "Look at Jay."
Everyone turned to watch Jay eat all the way down the middle, then try to pull back, but his head was too big. He let go and started flailing his arms, whipping his neck around to get the watermelon off his face.
Cody looked up, teeth sunk into the rind, and made a muffled grunt. "Becky!"
Adam met Mack's gaze but then continued his ravenous attack against the fruit.
Becky waved at Cody. "You doin' great, babe!"
Jay was out of his seat by now, running around the yard, hitting things, tripping. Nothing could get that watermelon off his face.
And then he ran straight into Randy's back.
He staggered back, and the melon split in two, falling from his head. He gasped for breath and fell onto the ground.
Randy pursed his lips, bending down to pick up the half. "Who wants to watch me eat this?"
All three girls raised their hands.
And Jericho pretended that he didn't.
A/N: Um... what? HIGH TIMES. Review.