A/N: Welcome to my newest project. This one is… "special".
There are some things I don't write or read. They push my squick buttons, make me cringe, and keep me from precious hours of sleep. That's not to say that fics containing such material are bad; it's just a matter of personal preference.
Nevertheless, I have put up a notice in my profile stating that I accept prompts, requests, and challenges, and by golly, I'm going to do just that. I recently received a request for a fic which… is not something I would normally write. However, the reviewer who requested it has been an amazing fan and, in light of my discontinuing one fic, I'm willing to sacrifice our own preferences for her.
The problem, however, was that what I ended up writing turned out to be a far cry from serious…
Summary: The world has gone mad, and the only way to stop it is to confront the ones who have made it so… and destroy them. However, with only two people completely sane (at least, sane by their standards), this is going to be something of a challenge…
Warnings: Rated T for: sexual themes, no-forth-wall, some deliberate OOC, parody, reference to MPreg, making fun of Mary Sues, cross-dressing, moderate language, reference to rape, yaoi, mild violence, spoilers for Another Note.
…It sounds worse than it is. Trust us. ;)
Pairings: L/Light, one-sided Mello/Matt, reference to everyone/Near, possibly more
The Writers Must Be Crazy
Chapter One: And So It Begins
"The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless."
- Nicholas Chamfort
The Kira case continued as usual. It had fallen into a state of monotony, uncovering one tiny hint at a time but really getting nowhere. The investigation team had plenty of time to relax. L and Light had plenty of time to argue. All was well.
And then all Hell broke loose.
In retrospect, it started out innocently enough, with one Light Yagami singing in the shower. The singing, in and of itself, was no cause for alarm. Light was generally a happy person (when he wasn't plotting against L and muttering "Just as planned", at least), and he was prone to bursting into little bits of song now and then.
But what was odd about this was the song he had chosen to sing. It was not "Someday You'll Be Dead" or "They're Coming to Take Me Away", but rather, "Man! I Feel Like a Woman!".
"The best thing about being a woman; is the prerogative to have a little funnnn!"
His voice soared to all new heights, and Matsuda cringed and groaned, clapping his hands over his ears. He was already experiencing what was possibly the worst headache ever to descend upon mankind as a result of a hangover, and also due to the fact that his somewhat-limited mind power was already exerted from trying to remember the events of last night without much success. He knew only one thing: he had woken up alone, which meant that the entire affair had not been worth it.
"Morning, sunshine!" L chirped brightly as he skipped down the stairs.
Matsuda shot him a glare which could have vulcanized rubber, then muttered, "Hey." Had he been a more attentive individual, he would likely have noticed that it was very bizarre to see L skipping… but, being the way he was, he noticed nothing of the sort.
"Matsuda-san, are you, like, okay? I mean, you look all grody and like, yuck."
"I'm fi- why are your talking like that?"
"Like what, pumpkin?"
Matsuda raised an eyebrow. "…Pumpkin?"
L never got a chance to answer, as it was at that moment that Mogi walked into the room. "Good morning, Ryuuzaki… Matsuda." Pause. "How did everything turn out last night? I was otherwise occupied."
In response, L's eyes grew distant and a dreamy look came over his face. "It was the most wonderful evening of my life. Everything was perfect."
"What's wrong with your eyes?" Matsuda demanded. "They just got little hearts in them-"
"Well, I'm glad everything has worked out so well for you, Ryuuzaki. I'm sure that Light is equally thrilled over your… ah… interactions… last night."
Matsuda choked on the coffee he had been drinking. "What?" he managed the splutter in horror. "What happened-?"
"Oh, Matsuda-san, you know I'm not one to kiss and tell," L said with a wink.
It was at that moment that Matsuda became convinced that his colleagues were playing a very poor joke on him. "I have a headache, you two," he growled. "Save this for another day, alright?"
"I don't know what he's talking about, either," Mogi said in response to the unspoken question. "Matsuda, are you feeling alright?"
"No, I feel like sh-"
"Shmoopie!" The ear-shattering shriek from Light as he raced into the room cut off the rest of that sentence. Matsuda watched in silent horror as the teenager flung himself at L in a tackle hug, which, oddly enough, seemed to fall into slow motion for a moment.
The next minute they were on the floor - out of sight, but not necessarily out of mind.
"Well, doesn't this look familiar…"
"You make me wanna…"
"Lala… in the kitchen, on the floor-"
Matsuda couldn't suppress the involuntary gag reaction that this summoned up. "You're kidding me, right?"
Light reappeared from where he had vanished behind the table, his still damp hair slightly mussed. "You don't understand our love."
"…I feel like I just stumbled into a really bad fanfic."
This feeling only amplified as the day progressed. Not only had the horror which was yaoi been visited upon them, but the rest of the task force suddenly seemed entirely devoid of all personality. Aizawa, for example, spent the entire morning staring out the window and muttering, "I'm sure we'll catch him eventually."
"What does that even mean?" Matsuda finally snapped. "You're not even making any-"
The phone rang, and he abruptly fell silent. He'd learned long ago that if he spoke while L was on the phone, he would be subjected to the Icy-Glare-of-Doom for the rest of the day.
The phone rang again.
"Ryuuzaki, are you going to get- oh." He again broke off, blushing this time, as a glance over his shoulder confirmed that the detective was occupied with something else, namely pinning Light onto the sofa and kissing him passionately. Matsuda cringed (not for the first time that day) before answering the phone. "Hello?"
"Touta Matsuda. Ryuuzaki… er… he can't come to the phone right now."
There was a pause and what sounded like a violent curse in the background. "It's happening there, too, huh?"
"Everyone's… acting weird. Like they're starring in a yaoi fanfiction… written by someone who never actually watched the show."
Matsuda glanced over his shoulder and cringed. "Yeah, that's about it… Hey, how did you know? Who are you?"
"Call me Matt. I… work for L. And I know because the exact same thing is happening where I am."
"So… it's not just an tasteless prank?"
"Doesn't look like it."
Matsuda cringed. That was what he'd been worried about. "How do we stop it?"
"Well, most of the time, zombies can be taken out with a simple bullet to the head…"
"You never know."
"…I'm not going to shoot anyone in the head because of this."
"Well, that's worst case scenario only. Look, maybe we should meet to discuss this… it's… pretty bad over here. Where are you?"
Matsuda hesitated. Coincidences aside, he had no idea who this guy was. He claimed to work for L, but there wasn't any actual proof of that fact. "One second," he muttered, and once again looked over his shoulder. "Ryuuzaki, do you know someone named Matt?"
L paused in the process of unbuttoning Light's shirt and glanced up. "Why?"
Matsuda held up the phone. "He claims he works for you."
For a guy who usually moved slower than a yoga instructor on a hot day, L could pick up his pace considerably if so motivated. "Matt-kun?" he said into the phone he was suddenly holding. Matsuda blinked and sighed hugely. He'd given up on expecting anything remotely resembling manners from L. "Why are you calling me? Are you alright? …No; this is a very dangerous investigation, Matt-kun; I don't want you getting mixed up in it… What could possibly be thatimportant?" There was a long pause, then he blinked and held out the phone to Matsuda again. "He wants to talk to you, princess."
Well, there was a shock. Not being pushed into the background as usual… He took the phone.
"You convinced yet?" Matt sighed.
After another moment's hesitation, he began detailing their location, and was halfway through the a street address when Matt suddenly cut in, "Shh!"
"I think there's someone else on the line."
They both paused, waiting, hardly breathing. It seemed that it was merely paranoia for a long minute, until, suddenly-
"Kyahahaha!" And the sound of a phone being slammed down into its receiver.
"Well, that was faintly ominous," Matt sighed. "I'll be over there some time tonight. Just… lock the doors… and try to keep anyone from doing something they'll regret."
As was true for many things, this turned out to be easier said than done, complicated by the fact that he seemed to be the only sane one in the building, and thus, everyone else was suddenly looking at him as if he should be in butterfly nets for even suggesting that they try to get some work done.
The irony was not lost to him.
Despite the fact that it was a futile attempt, he kept with it for most of the day, and it was around seven o'clock when he finally gave up, allowed L and Light to wander off alone (he tried not to think about it), and permitted the rest of the group to fall into an almost catatonic silence.
It was, unfortunately, at about this time that the power abruptly went out.
In the few seconds of silence which followed, Aizawa's deadpan voice was more audible than ever: "Oh, don't worry, we'll catch him eventually."
Matsuda growled and rolled his eyes, then proceeded to wait for the backup generators to kick in.
No such luck.
Which meant that the power outage didn't have natural causes…
A bit of fumbling around in the dark and a few bruises later, he managed to locate a flashlight under L's usual desk (what did the guy do under there, anyway?), and flicked it on. The beam was strong and bright, which Matsuda was certain would have brought about a derogatory comment about how it was his exact opposite if the rest of the team had been in their normal state of mind.
If there was no power… then there were no security cameras or alarms. If there were no security cameras or alarms, that meant that Kira could be sneaking in here right now, fully intent on killing them off one by one in the darkness.
Before he panicked too much, Matsuda reminded himself that Kira would need a flashlight to see his way through the building… though, at this point, he would not have been surprised if it had suddenly been revealed that Kira could see in the dark.
Or it could turn out to be a crappy Silence of the Lambs plot twist anytime now. Once again, not too surprising.
Urgh… he'd better turn the power on again. But hell if he was going alone…
No reply. Mogi blinked as though he couldn't quite understand his own name. It was as if his already limited personality had been removed…
"This is really freaking me out."
Alright, take a deep breath. You've got this. Just… go turn on the power again. Nothing to be worried about… Although rule number nine on How to Survive a Horror Movie specifically states not to go down to the basement after the power has just gone out… And certainly not alone. And not if you're the annoying guy who no one likes.
"I'm going to die," he determined grimly, but took a deep breath and checked to ensure that the batteries in his flashlight were new and wouldn't go out at an inconvenient time. Then, still trying to calm his nerves, he ventured out into the hallway.
He was fully expecting to be attacked by a dark and mysterious figure, and he wasn't disappointed. Nor did he have to wait very long.
Said dark figure hurled out of nowhere, knocking the young officer to the ground in record time. He felt something cold and sharp pressed to his throat, and the wildly spinning beam of the flashlight revealed the culprit to be-
"Ryuuzaki? What the hell are you doing?"
"Currently… contemplating how best to torture and kill you." He broke into a grin. "Kyahahaha!"
He had a feeling this was not L.
Fortunately, he was saved from said torture and death when a Nintendo DS suddenly flew out of the darkness, striking the L look-alike squarely in the forehead. He looked confused for a moment before toppling over, unconscious.
"Epic pwnage," chuckled a voice. Matsuda found a flashlight beam directed at his face. "You okay?"
He blinked furiously and got to his feet. "Er… yeah… are you Matt?"
There was a dim red flare in the darkness, as if from a cigarette. "Yep. Hey, you wanna hand me my DS?"
"So you said that you work for L?" Matsuda asked, unable to keep the suspicion out of his voice. The guy just didn't look like the sort of person L would associate with. To top off the large, orange, goggle-like glasses and black leather gloves, he was wearing the most horrific red-and-black sweater imaginable. And he had game controllers protruding from his pockets.
Matt finished tying the still unconscious look-alike to a chair. "Well… sort of. More like I work… and L knows me."
"Oh?" He would have questioned him further, but didn't have a chance, as the sound of muffled conversation from the hall interrupted.
"Well, would you look at that! The lights are out! I never would have anticipated this plot twist! I bet we aren't in any danger at all!"
"Please don't rape me!"
"Both of you, shut the hell up!"
Matt sighed hugely and went to the door, drawing it open, and called out into the hall, "I told you three to stay in the ca- Mello, why the hell are you wearing that?"
"What do you think? The dress, dumbass!"
"I'm expressing myself."
"You look like a woman!"
"I feel like a woman."
Matt slammed the door shut, looking mildly panicked. "Its gotten worse," he muttered. "This morning it was just lipstick, and now…"
"Look," Matsuda said, "I've been forced to watch L and Light making out all day. Nothing could possibly scar me for life worse than that."
"Oh, you think so?" He flung the door open again and the three figures from the hall trailed inside. "Matsuda, this is Roger, Near - Near, you can walk? Why'd you let us carry you onto the plane…? Oh well… - and… Mello…"
And… Mello was wearing The Dress. Gothic Lolita styled. Black, with lace, frills, and crisscrossing ribbons, topped off with white stockings and a matching frilly headdress.
Matsuda realized he was staring and once again fell into violent blushing. "…I need to gouge out my eyes."
"Sorry, dude," Matt said. "You cannot unsee what has already been seen. It's a rule."
He hung his head.
"So why's L all tied up?" Mello put in, taking a loud bite of chocolate. The sound echoed in the quiet room.
"It's not L," Matt said. "Look at his arms - they're all burned. I think this is our old friend… Beyond Birthday."
"…That's his name?"
"Oh, an evil look-alike! I never world have foreseen this!" chirped Roger.
Matsuda had originally thought the guy was being sarcastic, but it was slowly becoming apparent that he was just dumb. "What's wrong with him?" he asked with a gesture in Roger's direction.
"I think he went Genre-blind. I mean, most fanfictions make him out to be a total fudging idiot, and now he actually is." Matt adjusted his glasses. "Which brings us beck to the root of the problem… what the hell is going on here."
"I don't think anything is going on here, Matty," Mello said, brushing off his skirt. "Everything seems normal enough to me."
"You see? They don't notice anything weird. And trust me, Mello does not cross-dress."
"I'm expressing myself."
Matt rolled his eyes and ignored him. "You see what I mean? I think that's what's going on here. We're in a really bad, generic fanfiction. They made Roger an idiot, Mello a cross-dresser, and Near… well, Near seems to think that everyone is going to rape him." Aforementioned genius twitched slightly and edged away from Mello as if in mortal fear. "Doesn't this sound a little strange to you?"
Glancing around the room, Matsuda nodded. "And the rest of the taskforce turned into mindless machines… and L and Light… well, we knew Light was a little off, but L…"
"Yeah… it's definitely a sucky fanfic."
"But… wait… this is weird…"
"No, I mean… our writers, those two girls… they're usually pretty sane. Yaoi fangirls, true, but… this is full-on weird."
"Maybe they had a change of heart," Matt proposed with a shrug.
"Or maybe they've been kidnapped by another writer. A fangirl even crazier than they are… who has now hijacked what started out as a normal story and begun twisting it in all variety of horrible ways."
There was a pause, then, "Dude… suxor."
Matsuda assumed that this was a confirmation that his theory could be correct, and allowed himself a small smile. Finally, someone in the world agreed with him…
His joy was short-lived, as it always was. Light chose that moment to burst into the room, shouting, "!111!"
"What's with all the ones?"
"Dude… slow down. And enough with the caps-rape."
At this, Near burst into tears, but was, predictably, ignored. "L," Light said again, a bit more slowly. "He was taken captive by an evil dragon!"
Matsuda could feel the beginnings of a nervous twitch. "Oh, please tell me you're kidding…"
"I'm not! And the dragon left a map for us to follow to the Magical Tower of Deathly Fire!"
"Why would a dragon go through all that trouble and then leave a m- there's no such thing as dragons!"
"Let me see this map," Matt interrupted, holding out his hand.
Upon inspection, it became apparent that the map looked like something which a four-year-old had drawn in black crayon, and proceeded to roll through a pile of ash.
"Well, it's authentic," assessed Matt, nodding his head gravely. "There's a definite indication of a Magical Tower of Deathly Fire right about… here."
"So… let me get this straight… the writers are being held captive while some even crazier fangirl takes over… And L has been kidnapped by an evil dragon…" Matsuda trailed off. It was just too ridiculous.
"We have to go rescue L," Light insisted, looking tearful.
Sigh. "Yeah… but there's also the problem of fixing the rest of the story by freeing the original writers… which to do first?"
"Dude," Matt put in, "we could split up. I mean… I could keep one group sane while you take care of the rest of them."
"Oh, splitting up!" said Roger, beaming. "That's always the best idea!"
"…I'm beginning to hate that guy."
A/N: Yes… and so it begins.
Speaking of requests/challenges/prompts, the offer still stands. I promise that no other requests will turn out as silly as this one… unless me want us to. ;D Just drop me a line. :)