Title: April Fool
Author: Candyland
Fandom: Torchwood: Led by an immortal captain, the crew of Torchwood seeks to protect the world from horrors like aliens and time travel and monsters and a lack of sex. Especially the last one. I DON'T OWN IT!
Wordcount: 772
Taunt: My fandom has me too busy ogling the cute boys kissing to come up with a proper taunt.


He knew it was coming soon. His eye for detail had given him great insight over the last couple of weeks, and today, now that he had sprung the trap, he was fairly certain he had it timed out. In fact, as he glanced at the clock and watched the second hand tick around towards the twelve, he allowed himself a small mental countdown.

Three, two, one…

"IANTO!"

Ah, yes. Right on time.

Ianto looked up from the paperwork he had been busily filing as Captain Jack Harkness stormed into the room. He was beyond irate; the Captain looked positively livid. Ianto, on the other hand, kept his usual cool demeanor about him as he said, "Yes, sir?"

"I want you to explain something to me," Jack said in a rush. He seemed to be talking awfully fast.

"What's that, sir?"

"A couple weeks ago, everyone in the Hub started getting bad headaches," Jack said. He appeared to be satisfied at Ianto's nod that the tea-boy remembered, and went on. "They passed eventually, but I was curious as to what caused them. So I went looking. And do you know what I found?"

"I haven't the faintest idea, sir."

"The coffee, Ianto," Jack snapped. "The coffee was decaf. You make the coffee. Explain!"

Ianto tapped his chin thoughtfully, the very picture of bewilderment and appropriate contrition. "I am deeply sorry. I had not noticed. Perhaps I made an error." He shrugged. "It will not happen again, sir."

"If that's all it was, I wouldn't be down here," Jack growled. Under other conditions, the sound might have been a bit of a turn-on, but at the moment it was just funny. "Today everyone started acting very, very strangely. So I went on the hunt for an explanation. Do you know what I found by the coffee supplies this time, Ianto?"

"I assume you will tell me, sir."

"…drop the sir."

"No thank you," was the easy reply. "What did you find?"

"Double espresso."

Ianto blinked, still the picture of innocence.

Jack Harkness was not fooled for an instant. "Do you know what the date is today, Ianto?"

"The first of April, sir," Ianto said smoothly. "Rabbit rabbit for good luck."

"Exactly. April Fool's Day. Now let's go," Jack said. He stomped out of the filing room with Ianto trailing obediently after him, still ranting. "This was one hell of a prank. Toshiko is entering data like a mad woman and talking at probably three times the speed of sound."

"Where's Owen, sir?"

"…actually, Owen's asleep on the table in the medical bay," Jack said. "Shaking in his sleep and everything. Haven't quite figured that one out yet. But more importantly, you are going to take care of the problem!" Out in the center of the Hub, Jack pointed towards the ceiling. "That problem!"

"…are you aware that your hand is shaking?"

"I KNOW MY HAND IS SHAKING!"

The tiniest of smirks. "Just checking, Jack. What's the problem that needs my help?"

Jack's next words were in that sexy growl again. "Get Gwen off the ceiling."

Ianto glanced up. Sure enough, Gwen Cooper was quite literally hanging from the ceiling. "How did she get up there, sir?" Ianto asked, quirking a brow. "And more importantly, how is she staying up there?"

"I don't know, but we're getting her down in one piece," Jack said. He tilted his head back. "Gwen!"

At that moment she seemed to lose her grip on the ceiling and dropped. Both men jumped beneath her and caught her, sending all three tumbling to the floor with a loud thud. It took a moment for them to untangle their limbs and get back to their feet, but in short order the two men were standing with Gwen supported between them. "Are you all right?" Jack asked.

Gwen looked around, her head snapping to and fro like a meerkat sentry. When she spoke, it was very, very fast. "I CAN SEE THROUGH WALLS." She glanced towards the door, then started running towards it with her arms outstretched. "Look! A thing!"

"…I suppose this is an improvement from ten minutes ago," Jack commented, shoving trembling hands into his pockets. "She was declaring that she could taste colors."

Ianto snorted.

"Jones, if you ever pull this again," Jack said. His teeth were starting to knock together loudly enough to be heard on the street above. "I don't have a clue what I'll do to you just yet, but it will not be pleasant. I might start by making you eat tie, and we'll go from there."

"Of course, sir."

"Drop the sir."

"Duly noted."


PS. …well, I think I hate myself now! Should probably go watch the rest of the series, huh? New to the fandom, no idea if this has been done before, apologies if it has, still hope it made you laugh. Thanks for reading! Much love!