MARIAN CROSS: the User's Guide and Owner's Manual
Disclaimer: we own the computers on which this was typed, our intellectual property amounts to zero. Actually if you look at the amount of stuff we own you would think we owned a MARIAN CROSS. The format for the user's guide and owner's manual belongs to Theresa Green, an amazing woman called Hoshino- sensei owns -man and the characters we love to borrow. Saya-sama has some similar stories, they are very well written and very funny.
A/N: oh yeah, I am so hyper, I love the ideas for this story, doing him was my idea and he was so much fun. I'm Ducky, co-author of the User's Guide series; I belong to a mandarin site so you won't find me here. Exams are over!!!!!!!!!!! I am free (WH: not quite, holidays are over too) sigh I know, we have 2 and a half months of school left and then we are done, FOREVER! Unfortunately a month and a half of those are exams (on the bright side we get nearly whole weeks free because of how long we write over, finals aren't that bad) I want to hear your thoughts on this otherwise I will come and find you to pick your brain!!!!!! Mwahahahahahahahahaha
A/N: okay~~~ I'm going to butt in here and translate, she wants you to review. She hasn't had sugar or booze or anything like that so I don't know what's gotten into her. (D: I don't go on sugar highs, WH, you on the other hand go nuts if you smell sugar! Freedom, oh yeah, freedom, ah ah) . I resent the sugar comment, sugar is nice, sugar is good for me (D: she drinks hot chocolate with 4 SUGARS, that's not hot chocolate, that's syrup). Oh hush, back to the topic at hand, we hope you like this, he was certainly fun to write even if info was a little sparse. Guys just one thing, we're actually not going to continue with these things if people don't review(D: I don't like flames even if WH can live with them so from my side if you don't like it don't review, ok. I'm looking at number of reviews not content). It's really sweet of you guys to favourite, it means a lot but you can review and favourite and all we're asking for is a single word (Nice/Good/Bad/Awesome etc.).
You are now the proud owner of a MARIAN CROSS unit. Welcome to bankruptcy for life. To try and keep your finances relatively positive (D: fat chance) we advise you read this manual carefully and strap some money to your chest (D: although that won't really help seeing as he will still be able to get to it) that you make very sure he doesn't know about. Any misuse of this unit could result in the repossession people visiting you, and no, it will not be to take him back, they know better. It'll be for your house, your car, and any other valuables. Management accepts no responsibility for any money loss or debt incurred.
Name: MARIAN CROSS
AKA: General, GENERAL CROSS, that bastard, master
Age: late twenties, early thirties
Place of Manufacture: this unit is nomadic; he has been seen in India, Japan, China, assumed to be European
Blood Type: AB
Your MARIAN CROSS comes with the following accessories:
2 half face masks
1 loose fitting exorcist cloak with gold trimmings
2 pairs of boots
1 white dress shirts
1 white loose fitting, ruffled shirt
1 equipment type innocence JUDGEMENT™
1 parasitic type innocence GRAVE OF MARIA™
1 wine glass
1 wide brimmed hat
2 pairs black pants
Please note that because MARIAN CROSS units come with 2 innocences they are far more expensive than your average unit. (WH: in short, you need this unit like you need an aperture in the cranial capacity D: I'm sorry but, BIG WORDS why? WH: well this unit is more expensive, right? D: that'd better be a rhetorical question WH: so you require more space and ink to print 'aperture in the cranial capacity' than you do to print 'hole in the head' D: I am going to start filtering your comments)
Removing your MARIAN CROSS unit from the box:
Once your unit has been activated, he will probably be very willing to remove himself from the box. He is fond of beautiful, expensive things, the box is neither. In fact, it is quite boring inside. On the off chance that he doesn't want to get out the box, use one of the following methods:
Tell him that there are beautiful women just round the corner, he'll drag you off to find them and will probably hit you over the head with the hammer if he doesn't, but he'll be out the box
Ostentatiously open a bottle of your best wine, comment on the bouquet, the brand name and the price. Then prepare to lose your wine to him
Scream AKUMA, he'll come out to fight them (WH: hopefully)
Once you have successfully removed your MARIAN CROSS from the box, you will encounter his programming. You may find that he is a smoker, womanizer, will spend all your money and is rude to those who are not beautiful females, this is not an error, it is how he is programmed. As such, MARIAN CROSS is not suitable for those who are poor, ugly, dirty or sensitive. It is written in big, red letters on the box, you were warned.
Exorcist: is there a plague of AKUMA in your area? do you need to get rid of them? Does someone close to you have a NOAH or a MILLENNIUM EARL unit? You can count on MARIAN CROSS, he is among the best, no AKUMA stands a chance against him. he'll finish them in a jiffy, no matter how strong and he'll still look as perfect as when he went into the battle.
Body Guard: Are you looking for safety and security in your life. Trying to stop yourself turning into dust from an AKUMA's blood or from becoming the human pincushion? In theory, MARIAN CROSS will keep you safe, if you're a pretty female (D: or if you're rich, money helps)
Escort: Need to go somewhere with someone? Arrive stylishly and definitely not alone? MARIAN CROSS will be happy to help, he will escort one or many women to a dance or any social event. He does dates, dances, parties, provided you are easy on the eye.
Debt Avoider: do you have money problems? Has you cash flow dried up? Are you looking for a way to get out, or at least, get away from those loan sharks intent on breaking your knee caps and the people who are repossessing all your possessions (WH: let's stop and think for a moment, whose fault is it that these people are after you? I'm sure the fact that you bought a MARIAN CROSS unit has nothing to do with it). Your CROSS unit is an expert at getting away from these people, if you're lucky he'll take you with him, or at least teach you how to get away too. (D: words of wisdom, you don't need to be the fastest runner, you just need to run faster than your MARIAN CROSS unit)
Children's Entertainer: Do you ever wonder what to do with little children? Do you hate throwing kiddies parties? You will find that your MARIAN CROSS is very fond of a children's game called hide and seek. Your children will spend hours searching for him, and probably never finding him. In fact if he has the debt men after him it will probably be the last you see of him. (WH: Yeah as a thing we weren't under the impression that he actually liked children, leaving them to him might result in them needing trauma counselling)
Your MARIAN CROSS comes with the following modes:
The modes on this unit are not mutually exclusive, this means that he can be in many different modes at once, i.e. he can be in Narcissist and Womanizer simultaneously. (D: don't you mean he is always in Narcissist and Womanizer mode simultaneously?)
In Narcissist mode your unit will worry about his hair, clothes, company and what he gets fed. He will only accept the best and is liable to become involved in murder of the first degree should someone mess up his hair or clothes. He will insist on the company of beautiful women and eat only the finest and most expensive food. If you take him to a restaurant, he will not look at the menu for the food, merely the prices. He is very fond of himself, which is why he insists on only the best.
Womanizer mode is quite common and he will enter it when he is around a pretty female. In this mode, he will do almost anything to keep the pretty woman in question happy, except for staying with her, that's just not his thing. He also has what we like to call a magnetic quality that will draw most any woman to him, even though he is utterly and completely unreliable (D: unless of course you are WH who nearly destroyed her computer screen in an attempt to get to him when he started hurting TYKI MIKK. WH: I never touched the computer screen. D: You came close).
He will enter satisfied mode when he has expensive wine, is surrounded by lovely ladies, is eating the best food and is in a rich, clean environment. He will exit this mode quite quickly. As in the second there is a lack of expensive things and pretty girls or a dirty person is present.
He is permanently in Debt mode as he likes to be in Satisfied mode and has Narcissist mode as his default. The solution to debt mode is you. Or an ALLEN WALKER unit, or a JASDEBI unit. So far as your CROSS unit is concerned you exist to pay off his debts and make his life comfortable. More often than not, Hiding mode and Debt mode go hand in hand. Hiding mode is what he will shift into should a debt collector come anywhere near him.
Your unit is very dangerous in Angry mode. The fastest way to get him into this mode is to mess up his clothing. Angry mode leads to attack mode. Attack mode can also be activated by a NOAH or AKUMA unit. In this mode, he will attack and destroy the units in question or the person who messed up his clothes (WH: got to make you wonder what happens when he is in a bar with loads of drunken people spilling alcohol everywhere. D: I assume he avoids them)
Feeding Your Unit:
Your unit is a fussy eater and he will only consume the best, most expensive, food and wine. He likes the company of a beautiful woman while he eats and if there is one in the vicinity he will find her. He tends to drink through out the day which can get a bit expensive.
Your unit is very image conscious and hates anything dirty; as such, he will keep himself squeaky clean, with or without help. We advise that you check what he is doing when he says he is 'washing' he might be making a break for it.
Interaction with other Black Order units:
ALLEN WALKER: he will generally abuse this unit. He may take young ALLEN WALKER units to be his apprentice but will use them to pay off his debts. He will keep and train them for a few years, usually two or three but this can vary, before hitting them over the head with a hammer before disappearing. He will then lead ALLEN WALKER units round the world in an attempt to catch him. If he has received the EDO: NOAH'S ARK UPGRADE he will eventually let this unit find him after he shows up at the last minute to save ALLEN WALKER, LENALEE LEE, LAVI and CHOAJI units from a TYKI MIKK unit in Heart of Noah mode. He will then fight against a MILLENNIUM EARL unit. He will often not allow ALLEN WALKER units near him because he only allows beautiful, clean people near him. He will reveal that ALLEN WALKER units are the host for the FOURTEENTH's memories.
FROI TIEDOLL: a GENERAL unit who MARIAN CROSS units will send a CONVERTED AKUMA unit to help, if he has received the EDO: NOAH'S ARK UPGRADE. FROI TIEDOLL units will try to avoid being indebted to MARIAN CROSS UNITS. They will fight together to deal with AKUMA units.
CLOUD NINE: he will try to drink wine with this unit and will flirt shamelessly with her. He will shift to womanizer mode round this unit and, should there be an AKUMA unit present he will enter attack mode. He'll attack the akuma not her.
WINTERS SOKARO: he will fight alongside this unit if he needs to because they are both GENERAL UNITS. They do not get along as WINTERS SOKARO units are male and do not approve of MARIAN CROSS units' lifestyle.
KANDA YUU: your MARIAN CROSS unit will annoy this unit, merely by existing but will receive a certain amount of respect from this unit because he is an EXORCIST GENERAL (D: are we allowed to use a microscope to find the respect in question?). MARIAN CROSS units are uninterested by KANDA YUU units as they are foul tempered males who are often dirty from being in a fight, or training.
LAVI: your MARIAN CROSS unit will run from this unit to avoid being caught and returned to headquarters. He will however, if he has received the EDO; NOAH'S ARK UPGRADE, hide this unit using GRAVE OF MARIA ™. This unit is male and as such, is uninteresting so far as your MARIAN CROSS unit is concerned. LAVI units will try to be present when your MARIAN CROSS unit tells an ALLEN WALKER unit that he is the host of the FOURTEENTH'S memories.
BOOKMAN: will be chased across multiple continents and countries by this unit in an attempt to catch your MARIAN CROSS unless he has received the EDO: NOAH'S ARK UPGRADE.
LENALEE LEE: if he has received the EDO: NOAH'S ARK UPGRADE this unit can keep him in one place. He will also give ALLEN WALKER, KANDA YUU and LAVI units minor heart attacks if they realise that he has been left alone with this unit. He will protect this unit because she is a pretty female.
KOMUI LEE: this unit will keep an eye on your MARIAN CROSS unit to try and make sure he gets to where the KOMUI unit needs him to be, after receiving the upgrade, he will, however, lose mail sent to him by your MARIAN CROSS unit which will result in problems when an ALLEN WALKER attempts to join the BLACK ORDER.
LEVERRIER: dislikes this unit but will do as he is told if there is no other alternative.
LOU FA: he will check if this unit is an ALLEN WALKER unit's woman
Interaction with other units:
JASDEBI: this unit wil attempt to kill your MARIAN CROSS unit but will end up paying his debts. You may want to keep away from these units if they find out that you are CROSS's owner, they will probably come after you to cover his debts if they can't get their hands on an ALLEN WALKER unit.
TYKI MIKK: On meeting this unit in Heart of Noah mode, he will shift into attack mode. He will guard any other EXORCIST units with GRAVE OF MARIA™ while he shoots at TYKI MIKK. He doesn't miss, ever. The only thing that will halt his attack is the appearance of a MILLENNIUM EARL unit.
MILLENNIUM EARL: he will attack this unit. He will also hide from this units assassins. He will also not mind referring to this unit as fatso, to his face. MILLENNIUM EARL units will inevitably send assassins after a MARIAN CROSS unit, no it is not because MARIAN CROSS units frequently insult him It's because MARIAN CROSS units have had a connection with FOURTEENTH units and have this annoying habit of messing up MILLENNIUM EARL units' AKUMAs and plans.
AKUMA: he can, and will, destroy these units on sight. He will shoot them with JUDGEMENT™ and will protect younger, less experienced people with GRAVE OF MARIA™. He will also convert these units into his servants sometimes
SKULLS: your MARIAN CROSS unit is a proficient magic user. If he has received the EDO:NOAH'S ARK UPGRADE he will disguise himself as a SKULL unit so that he can destroy them and find the EGG.
CONVERTED AKUMA: these units are AKUMA units that have been converted by CROSS units and will do whatever he tells them to. They will also self-destruct if they try to kill someone.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ):
Question: I asked my MARIAN CROSS to organize a date for me with a girl I really liked AND HE STOLE HER! I am heartbroken what can I do?
Answer: you could start by reading the manual and thinking things through. He is a womanizer, what on earth made you think he would get you a date?
Question: I went to the bank to get a loan and when they reviewed my assets and saw that I had a MARIAN CROSS unit, they refused point blank! Why? I thought these units were valuable. Do you know what he's cost me?
Answer: oh we can guess, and the thing is the amount he will cost you will carry on increasing exponentially. You could buy an ALLEN WALKER unit with that spare money. That should ease the bank's concern. You could try auctioning off your MARIAN CROSS unit and hope there is another sucker out there. Alternatively, you could get the upgrade, he won't hang around long after that. Banks are smart, they know a black hole for money when they see one.
Question: I am in so much debt it isn't even funny. He drank all my booze, stole my girlfriend, spent all my money and now he's gone, leaving me to clean up after him. what can I do?
Answer: you remember that money we told you to strap to you and make sure he didn't know about? Use that to buy an ALLEN WALKER unit and tell him that he needs to work off his Master's debt. The ALLEN WALKER unit won't love you for it but you'll be out of debt. By the way, read his box before purchase and his manual before you activate him, that's half your problem here, we warned you that CROSS was a womanizer and bad at managing money.
Question: he found that money and/or I didn't put any money aside. What do I do now?
Answer: praying sounds good. Other than that try to find a JASDEBI unit and tell them, you know where CROSS is. He will leave a note to tell his creditors that they will pay the debt off and they will do it. After that hide to stop them killing you.
Question: I got the EDO: NOAH'S ARK upgrade and my MARIAN CROSS unit disappeared, all that was left was his gun, his mask which was badly damaged, some blood and a broken window (D: the cheek, he costs you enough to maintain and now he destroys your home when he leaves). What happened?
Answer: we're not quite sure. After he gets the EDO: NOAH'S ARK upgrade he will find an ALLEN WALKER unit with the same upgrade, tell him he is the host for the FOURTEENTH's memories, get attacked by some mysterious assassin and vanish. He's not hiding this time he is gone, as in permanently. We don't know where to, he just stops being there.
Question: You mean he's gone, as in permanently? I'm getting my life and my money back?
Answer:er yes, yes, no. you're still broke.
Problem: he's hitting random ALLEN WALKER units over the head with a hammer! What should I do, I'm already broke I don't need a lawsuit on top of it.
Solution: on the bright side, the owners can't sue you, they are warned in the ALLEN WALKER user's guide and owner manual that MARIAN CROSS units have a tendency to do this. It is not a glitch it's the way he was programmed.
Problem: I can't get him to take off his mask. Who does he think he is, the Phantom of the Opera?
Solution: leave the mask alone and don't say he's the Phantom of the Opera near him, he would take it as an insult, which would put him into angry mode. We're not coming to look for what is left of you.
Problem: I think the amount of alcohol he consumes is going to damage his circuits, were can I take him to be checked.
Solution: nowhere. It won't damage his circuits the people who created him knew he drank a lot and designed him to allow for this.