Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or any of the characters, ideas, or themes therein.

Summary: Set while Bella is pregnant with Renesmee. Jacob, Seth and Leah reluctantly join the Cullens for a meal and some Discovery Channel on wolves....

A/N: This is just a quick idea that sprung into my head and I figured, 'Why not?'

After a meal that Leah had to admit was pretty good–even if it did smell like parasites–Leah was ready to get back outside. She hated being inside the Cullens' house for many different reasons. Partly because she disliked each Cullen–not just because they were vampires–but as people, in their own way.

Esme she didn't like because she was pushy. She hated to think of Leah outside with hardly any clothes and hardly any food. She'd practically forced Leah inside and shoved the food down her throat. Leah Clearwater, world-known bitch, did not like to be forced. And she liked the mommy vampire even less because for some reason she felt she couldn't scream, 'Get the hell away from me, bitch!' Esme was just too damn nice. Leah didn't like nice.

Then there was that bastard Edward. She knew he was in her head when he was just staring at her blankly with those freaky piss-yellow eyes. He wouldn't even answer the bitchy questions she asked him ('What's the inspection results, Dr. Bastard?' 'Is there a massacre going on behind me or something?' or, less creatively, 'Stop staring, bitch!'). It was like, knowing there was someone in the room who could read your thoughts only brought up all the thoughts you would want them to read the least. Leah suspected Edward knew her deep pain over Sam, her feelings of unjustified hurt and betrayal towards Emily, and the fact that she liked Jacob'sl pack far better than Sam's. Most of the time when he read her thoughts, she'd just stare blankly back at him till he mumbled 'Sorry,' sheepishly and turned away.

That's right, she thought. Nobody stares at Leah Clearwater.

Next, of course, there was the Blonde Bitch. Leah had never had so much competition in her life for her title of Queen Bitch of the World. Even the way Rosalie just glanced at Jacob and Leah screamed, I hate you with every fiber of my being. So Leah had given her share of dumb blonde jokes, to which Rosalie had only haughtily flipped her hair and announced, "Heard it." Blondie called Jacob Fido and Leah Fida. Leah and Rosalie had had their share of bitch-outs, most of which Leah had won. But she had admit, no one had ever come so close to her crown in years. Of course, she took comfort in the fact that even though Rosalie was taller and thinner and gorgeous in the face, she didn't have Leah's Native American gene. You know what that means. Leah had the bigger boobs and the better ass. In your face, Blondie!

Edward burst out laughing a few feet from where Leah was. For once, Leah didn't make a sarcastic comment. She just laughed with him.

"What?" everyone said.

"Nothing," they both answered.

What was she thinking about again?

Oh, yeah. Hating the Cullens. The blonde guy reminded her of Draco Malfoy. Not that the Cullens would know he was a sick, dark little boy who betrayed the man who had given him everything. Haha.

Edward chuckled again.

Where's the Harry Potter here? Leah wondered. If Jasper's Malfoy, we need some dueling action! Hey, if vampires and werewolves exist, why not wizards? Yeah, let's just screw up the world a little more!

Alice. Ugh. Alice. She was always so bouncy and flouncy and graceful and girly. Four times already she had asked Leah if she could give her a makeover, to which Jacob had burst out laughing. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he wheezed, "Give...Leah...a makeover..! Ha!" Alice annoyed the hell out of her.

Then there was Carlisle. Leah hated to hate him, because really, he was as close to human as any vampire is ever going to get. He couldn't care less about blood. And not only was he almost human, he was a good almost-human. He smiled and he laughed softly and he worried about everyone's health.

Dammit. He reminded her of her Dad. And she hated it.

The only one she found slightly bearable was Emmett Cullen. He was hilarious. Always joking, always laughing. He'd taken quite a liking to Leah, and though Leah was gruff and distant with him, she couldn't help laughing at some of his jokes, and he hers. The guy was a crackup.

And last, we come to Bella Cullen.

What. A. Bitch.

She'd torn Jacob's heart to pieces time after time, and every time he walked into the house her face lit up like he was the damn ice cream man. Leah saw how Jacob tried to be bitter, but every time Bella smiled it was like you could watch his heart melting down into his shoes. Ugh. Leah hoped she was never like that with Sam. Bella Cullen was a bitch. She'd done so much wrong in her life–especially towards Jacob–and no one ever even scolded her. So she just kept on doing it, crying and whining, 'I–I–I didn't m-mean to...!' Everyone always bowed at her feet, 'understanding' every mistake she made. What she needed was a fellow female to bitch her out. Hell, every time Leah looked at her she felt like screaming at her myself.

Leah hated them all.

And yet, here she was. Sitting on their couch with her elbow on the armrest, the other arm by her side. Leah's and Jacob's arms were touching, which was most likely as hot as the hottest day in hell. But weirdly, it didn't feel that way. Next to Jacob Seth was squeezed in, and next to him was Bella. She had been whimpering about being cold, so Seth had an arm around her shoulders. Dammit. She was such a whimpering, crying, bitch. Edward, next to Bella, stiffened as Leah thought this.

That's right, bastard, she thought. You heard me.

Alice was on the ground, leaning her head against Seth's knees. She liked to sit near either Jacob or Seth so she could clear her mind of all those damn visions. Carlisle and Esme sat in the love-seat next to the couch. Emmett rested his head against her knees, and Leah knew that as a fellow funny person he was partly doing this to annoy her. Otherwise, she would've kicked him off. Jasper was on a chair next to Alice, and Rosalie leaning against Edward's side of the couch.

Leah wasn't focused on anyone, though. Just the heat that was in her left arm. A strange, building, searing heat that was less uncomfortable than it was...oh, she didn't know. Sexy.

She watched Edward try to stifle a smile.

For some reason, Leah wondered if he could hear what Jacob was thinking. If he was thinking about the burning in their arms, if he was wondering why they didn't pull apart. But no. He was probably jealous of Seth with his arm around Bella. Yeah. He was probably thinking about Bella.

Which sucked, because that led Leah to start thinking about Sam.

For some reason, though, with this boiling heat in her left arm and the sudden awareness of Jacob's rough hair, his large, strong hands, his seventeen-year-old face which had seen more sorrow than anyone deserved in a lifetime...not to mention those abs....Damn, those muscles were huge!

Edward choked back a chuckle, but Leah shot him a look so venomous he instantly disguised it as a cough.

She turned my attention towards the TV. Blondie had the remote, and she was flipping through channels pretty quickly. She settled on The Office for a while, then the news, then some other reality show. How the hell do people live with her? Leah mused. If she were my sister, her blood would be on the walls by now! Edward let out a short laugh, but when people looked at him funny, he began to go into a sneezing fit to cover it up. By now Blondie had changed the channel to Ugly Betty.

"Hey, look, it's the wolves. Leah's Ugly Betty, Jacob's the gay receptionist and Seth's that femme little brother!" she exclaimed sarcastically.

"Racist," Leah snarled. "We're Native American. Those people are Hispanics, dumbass."

Edward and Emmett tried not to laugh, as well as Alice and maybe Jasper. After my little comment Rosalie changed the channel again.

She found the Discovery Channel. They were doing a segment on wolves.

Oh, shit.

"Well, this should be awkward," said Blonde Bitch with absolute euphoria on her face.

For a while it showed wolves' eating habits, where they lived, how they were endangered. Then it talked about how the Alpha male was selected.

"And now we get into the good stuff," Rosalie said.

The narrator continued,

"...All female wolves are naturally drawn to the Alpha." Suddenly Leah was hyper-aware of her arm touching Jacob's. He cleared his throat awkwardly and she knew he was feeling the same way she was. "...The pheromones that the Alpha Male emits are singularly responsible for attracting a mate." Jacob and Leah avoided looking at each other, but both couldn't help but glance. "Which is to say, in human terms, the Alpha Male pretty much smells like sex." Blondie laughed and Edward tried not to. "The Alpha chooses his mate based on which female is strongest or fastest."

Shit. Oh, shit.

The whole time Leah and Jacob were avoiding looking at each other, but in one split second of agonizing awkwardness, they caught each other's eyes. As Jacob looked into her green eyes and Leah into his brown ones, something happened. Not love. Not an imprint. Something else entirely.

But they both understood.

"Excuse me," said Leah hurriedly, getting up from the couch and stepping over Emmett.

"Yeah, hang on one sec," Jacob mumbled, working his way out of the tangle of people.

There was silence in the living room as the nine remaining people listened to pots being brushed aside in the kitchen, pans hitting the ground, much banging around and the sound of rapid movements.

Seth was the first to speak. He turned towards Edward.

"They're making out, aren't they," he said.

Edward just grinned, then turned towards them all.