Disclaimer: I do not own the Chronicles of Narnia.
A/N: Okay, I've been extremely patient so far with all this Ben Barnes/Spanish Caspian thing, but the camel's back finally broke today. The straw was a picture of Ben (as Caspian, in a rowboat during filming of VDT) with a beard and mustache and the latest video interview of him on Narniaweb (twas about Dorian Gray). Sure it was a short beard and mustache, but still, I never really saw Caspian as a clone of Inigo Montoya. Anyway, being who I am and needing a way to vent, I began to write. Hence this fic. Don't like Su bashing/Suspian bashing/movie!Caspian bashing? Don't read this. Why? Because Canon wins for once and the real Caspian has his revenge…heheheh…
Caspian's Revenge (very loosely based on the NCK series by JotM)
Prince Caspian the Tenth was riding through the woods on his black warhorse when he heard the terrified scream that echoed through the trees into his ears. He had to push his shaggy black locks out of the way in order to hear the noise, and when he did hear it, it took him a full five seconds to recognize that someone was probably in danger. (After all, those Telmarines have no imagination.)
With a grim smile on his long, smooth face, he whipped out his sword and gripped the Spanish handle tightly, nudging Desriah (his horse; at least, that's how he pronounced its name) into a run. The mighty stallion pounded the turf with his hooves until at last they crashed into a clearing and saw the trouble.
There was a girl standing to one side of the glade amongst several trees. Actually, there were two girls, but one was holding a dagger to the other's throat. The second girl screamed again, and at last Prince Caspian recognized the face of the beautiful, raven-locked, strangely dressed maiden.
"Queen Susan!" he shouted, nearly dropping his sword and holding out a hand toward her. Her panicked, green-blue eyes met his, and utter relief and joy flooded them.
She'd come back. She'd said she would never return, but she'd come back. And now his heart was overflowing with joy—until he noticed the frantic look she gave at the girl who was still holding a dagger to her throat. She, too, was staring at Prince Caspian, with a mixed expression of horror and glee.
This second girl, Prince Caspian noticed, using his keen skills of observation that were doubtless due to his Telmarine/Spanish ancestry, had long golden hair which hung loose about her shoulders. Her icy blue eyes met his, and he felt his courage falter at the look in them.
He was about to dismount and try to talk her out of killing his beloved Susan who had just somehow returned against hope to Narnia to live with him forever as his queen even though she had been expressly forbidden by Aslan to return when something slammed into him and quite knocked him from the saddle. As he was falling he caught sight of his attacker—a slim youth quite a few years younger than him who had just leapt from a tree with the very intent of knocking the Prince from Desriah.
With a rather undignified "Oof," the two young men landed in a sprawling heap on a pile of pine needles. Prince Caspian struggled to draw back so he could find his sword (which he'd dropped somewhere between the saddle and the ground) but before he could, he felt a strong hand on his shoulder as the other boy yanked him back and socked him in the jaw.
After he had recovered from the stun of the blow (the younger boy was either very intent on hurting him, or very angry, or both), Prince Caspian responded with a punch that caught the other boy squarely in the stomach. As his attacker gasped and drew back, trying to catch his breath, Prince Caspian took in the neatly trimmed blond hair and blue eyes that blazed with hatred. He took the opportunity to try to rise and see how Queen Susan was faring, but just as he stood the other boy recovered and hit him behind the knees, bringing him back down to the earth.
After that it was mostly on the ground; PC got a good slap that made his ears ring soundly (Has he really the audacity to box my ears? he thought angrily) but then struck back, splitting the boy's lip with a solid clout. The other boy punched rapidly twice, setting the prince's nose to bleeding and blackening one of his eyes, muttering (in a precise British accent that Prince Caspian despised), "Pass the black eye on to movie!Peter, will you? You can have the rest to yourself."
Seeing through a haze of red, Prince Caspian clutched wildly at the other boy's throat and actually caught hold for a moment, squeezing as hard as he could, but it was no good. The other boy slapped his arms away and pummeled him long and hard until he lay in a little heap, moaning in Spanish.
"And from now on," he heard the other boy say in his ear fiercely, "learn what happens when the Canon is threatened and Narnia Canon Keepers have to fix all your ruddy mistakes."
He whimpered something in reply, but then stopped as something landed next to (almost on top of) him. He opened the eye that wasn't bruised shut and saw the beautiful form of Queen Susan the Gentle (actually still Susan Pevensie, as she was wearing her school clothes being fresh from England), her green-blue eyes radiant with compassion and love.
"Oh, Caspian," she murmured, leaning forward to kiss him passionately. "It's been so long!"
It had only been a week, but as he was being kissed it didn't come into his head to argue. Suddenly someone grabbed him from behind and yanked him away from their soft embrace—and the blond boy hit him again, slapping him so hard that his head jerked back. His last thought, before fading into unconsciousness was: I wonder if she thought my mustache was hot...
With a sigh, the blond boy released movie!Caspian's shoulders and let him slump to the ground. He turned to the golden haired girl, who was restraining movie!Susan with difficulty, and gave her an apologetic smile.
"Sorry, your majesty. Thought I'd beaten it out of his system. I should've known he'd never give in so easily."
The good queen shrugged as she tied movie!Susan's hands behind her with a smooth piece of rope.
"I'm just grateful you came along to help, Caspian. I'm not sure I could've handled both of them—especially since my sister so stubbornly refused to come and help."
The real Caspian grinned and rubbed his throat thoughtfully.
"I don't blame her. Just look at that girl," he gestured disdainfully to movie!Susan, who was sobbing hysterically, still mumbling about her 'true love' and that she was 'so alone without him'. "The absolute picture of idiocy and folly. I believe I'd actually pity your sister—if my own version wasn't worse, that is."
Queen Lucy cast an amused glance upon the fallen movie!Caspian, whose shaggy black hair still fell raggedly over his eyes.
"Didn't know he'd grown a mustache. Must've been trying for that Inigo Montoya look."
Caspian nodded and sighed. Then he turned his stare to movie!Susan.
"What're you going to do with her?"
Lucy grinned impishly.
"Take her back to England, of course. I've destroyed the portal that brought her here (it was the ladies' room on the train…I've got to admit, rather original for a Suspian plot) and we're placing watchers on her just to make sure she doesn't try anything like this again."
"Right. Sounds great. But what for him?" He stared at the heap of Spanish hunkiness and a slow smile began to work across his face. "Wait-a-minute…I've got just the thing!"
When Prince Caspian awakened, he found himself in the same forest as before. Except this time he was surrounded by girls. Lots of girls. Some were Telmarine (they had long, lustrous raven locks like Susan and almond-shaped cinnamon eyes); there were a few with flaming red-gold hair and piercing emerald eyes, though most of them had long golden locks and sapphire-amethyst-azure-sky blue eyes that looked like deep depths of…something.
"Well, ladies," he heard a voice say from behind him. A British voice—the blond boy. "He's all yours."
The girls giggled almost in unison and the first one—a blonde—stepped forward, close enough so that he could smell her fragrant perfume.
"Liek, I'm Marianna Susanna Gabriella Julianna Gweneviere Eowyn Persephone Angelica Elisabeth Bella Jones and you're really hott."
Movie!Caspian swallowed as she leaned closer, and unconsciously drew back, but he knew there was no escape. Not now. The girls all waited for a long moment, but then one let out a squee and screamed, "He's got, like, a MUSTACHE!!!"
As the host of fangirls (intermixed with Mary Sue's) plunged toward the Telmarine/Spanish Prince who was suddenly wishing he was a little less 'hott', someone let out a chuckle, filled with wicked amusement and satisfaction.
"And it's Destrier, by the way," the blond boy said calmly, patting the neck of the stallion as he watched with sardonic glee. "Not Desriah. Stupid Spanish accent."