Happy Birthday Orihime!!!
I'm so sorry I'm giving you a crappy fic for your birthday DX (not to mention 2 and a half hours late in my time zone) No seriously...I debated whether to even publish it...it's crap... so crappy it's not even funny...okay maybe it'll be a little funny...we'll see XD Anyways, just warning you I didn't have time to do much with it and now I don't think I'll ever feel like doing any revising. I skimmed it for proofreading...it's really rough and all over the place. I'd call it more of a crack fic. Pretty much no plot whatsoever XD But anyways. What can ya do? I'll make up with a soon to be out LBLB chapter. All I have to do is a little revising with that one.
Okay, so if you haven't been watching the fillers, you might be a bit confused in a couple of spots. There's a reference to when Renji was thinking of Rukia (episode 235) and it was all soft and white and such around her face. And then there's a bit with his zanpakuto spirit. Aaand, I think that's about it :D
Oh and this is kind of a sequel to Ichigo's birthday fic, Bleach Beach Birthday. Not near as good though. So don't get your hopes up XD I blame Pierrot for giving me nothing to work with D= I miss Hime!! T^T
Also there's some BA forum specific stuff in here, but it shouldn't fly by anybody's heads. They're actual people and those are their ideas. Not mine. Except the one I say is mine XD
And I dedicate this piece of crack to my friend who, like me, shares a birthday with Orihime. Happy Birthday DancerGrl!!!! (sorry it's so blah XD I'll dedicate something else to you that's better sometime XD)
Bleach (c) Kubo Tite
"A-Abe-san…I'm sorry but…um…you see…"
"Spit it out already you numbskull!" the anime director snapped at his nervously stammering assistant director who near jumped clear from his skin.
"U-Um…we still can't find Kurosaki-san…"
The blood vessels on Abe's head were nearing their bursting point. "For the love of God what is wrong with that idiot!" He jumped off his chair and marched away, muttering to himself, "I'll find that goddamn twitterpated sonofabitch if it's the last thing I do. And then seeing my fist is the last thing he'll ever do."
The director stormed through the studio and in and out of hallways, his ominous presence acting as Moses' rod to the parting people waters. Suddenly his shiny black shoes came to a screeching halt as his sharp ears caught the faint sound of giggling. His head turned sharply, followed by his body as he narrowed his sharp eyes in hot pursuit.
He came to another turn and looking down that hallway, he nearly snorted in disgust. There was Ichigo in his shinigami outfit, standing with one hand in his pocket and the other leaned high against the wall that Orihime's back was leaning against, her hands clasped behind her as she giggled and blushed at something he said with that cocky smirk on his face. It was disgusting. Ichigo pulled his hand out of his pocket and brushed away a strand of hair as he tilted his head and started to lean in… Oh hell no!
The couple jerked at the angry bark and turned startled faces to the incoming, red faced director. "Abe? What the hell?"
The director gaped at Ichigo. "What do you mean 'what the hell' you lazy ass, skirt chasing imbecile?! We've got scenes to shoot and you're back here in a dim hallway neckin' away like a couple of teenagers! What is Inoue-san even doing here?! You're supposed to be on extended vacation, young lady!"
"I-I'm sorry, Abe-san." Orihime bowed to the director. "It won't happen again."
"The hell it won't!" Ichigo exploded. "She's been on vacation for weeks and she's tired of it and wants to be here and I want her to be here!"
Orihime fidgeted as Abe's nostrils flared. "Fine! I don't care where she is! Just do. Your. Job! Do you understand me, Kurosaki?"
"Yeah, yeah. I got it. Keep your shirt on." Ichigo flippantly waved his hand at the fuming director and took Orihime by the hand, leading them back towards the studio.
Just as they disappeared around the corner, his assistant appeared. "Ah! Abe-san! There's Kurosaki-san and – Eep! A-Abe-san! C-Calm down! Remember your blood pressure!" The smaller man leaned back as Abe's distorted face came in closer and closer.
"Don't say another word or I'm going to relieve my blood pressure by wringing your scrawny little neck!" Abe pivoted on his heel and stomped away as his poor assistant tried to stop the shaking in his legs.
"A-Abe-san is always so angry."
"Would you stop snickering and help get me out of this shitty crap already!" Rukia struggled to get out of the fluffy white "shitty crap" as Renji stood their laughing at her.
"Y-You look pretty cute. All girly and stuff." He snickered some more at her glare.
"This is not a frickin' shoujo manga!!" She struggled some more only to make the situation worse. "And was it really necessary to bury me in this shit?!" Rukia suddenly glanced up at Renji and looked him up and down suspiciously. "I better not actually look like this in your head."
"What do you mean?" he grinned.
"When you think of me!! I better not have all this soft, shiny shoujo crap around my head."
"Nope. No soft, shiny shoujo crap."
She nodded. "Good. I wouldn't think so but-"
"You usually don't have anything around your head when I think of you."
"Well…that's good," she said, a little confused at his redundancy.
"You usually aren't even wearing anything, as a matter of fact." Renji grinned and laughed as her face flamed and she struggled even harder to get out of the white mess.
"Renji!! You idiot!!"
"Okay, okay. Hold still for a second." She complied and he easily pulled her out of the fluff.
"You jerk! You could have done that the whole time and you just stood there!" He continued to laugh at her as he held her little body at arm's length. "Renji! Put me down or what you got on your birthday is never happening again!" He sobered at lightning speed and promptly set her down as she smirked up at him.
"That's what I thought. You know what? Since you were such a jerk I think I won't ever do that for you again after all."
"R-Rukia!" Renji blanched and started to run after her retreating back. "N-Now there's no reason to be extreme about this…"
"Extreme?!" She whirled around and glared up at him. "You think that's extreme?! Extreme is making me come in to work on my week off and drowning me in shoujo bubbles!"
"Look…Rukia…" He placed his hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry. What do you say I do the same for you?"
Little pink spots showed up on her cheeks. "R-Really?"
"Yeah. How about right now?"
Her eyes widened. "Right now?! But…"
"Well it won't be as thorough as the one you gave me, but we can at least get started and we'll finish later. Whaddya say?"
Rukia bit her lip and then nodded, allowing him to lead her to a nearby chair.
"Abarai-san? We'll be ready for you in about five minutes."
Renji nodded at the assistant and turned back to start with Rukia. As soon as he began her head fell back and her eyes slid shut in ecstasy.
"Yo! Renji. Rukia." Ichigo and Orihime passed by just then, waving at them.
Rukia made a small noise as Renji waved hello.
Ichigo scowled and looked around. "You have any idea when it's my scene?"
Rukia opened one eye and it glared at him. "How the hell would I know? Go away. You're interrupting."
The orange haired actor smirked at Renji. "She got you so whipped you're her personal masseuse now?"
Renji's hands stopped kneading her shoulders and he snarled at Ichigo. "Shut the hell up! Just where have you been all this time?"
"Eh. Sorry. I…uh…lost track of time…"
"Oh?" His scarlet eyes shifted to Orihime and then grinned at Ichigo. "I wonder what on earth you could have been doing."
Rukia swatted Renji's arm. "Stop yammering and start massaging, dammit!"
"All right, all right."
Ichigo and Orihime both jumped at the deadpan voice and turned to see Ulquiorra standing there.
"Excuse me," he repeated.
"Oh! Sorry, man," Ichigo said as he and Orihime stepped out of his way.
"What are you doing here, Ulqui-chan?" Orihime asked cheerfully.
His green iris slid over to stare at her. Just when things were getting a little more than slightly awkward he reached into his pocket and pulled out a white teddy bear holding a heart that said "Happy Birthday". "Happy Birthday, little girl."
"Wah!" She took it with sparkling eyes. "Thank you Ulqui-chan!"
Ulquiorra nodded and then glanced up at Ichigo whose zanpakuto hand was twitching while his eyes burned holes into the pale man's head…or at least he wished they would have. What he wouldn't give for one of Orihime's laser robot powers right about now.
"Isn't this nice of him, Ichigo-kun?"
"Nice. Yeah. Real nice." Ichigo hugged an arm around her waist, pulling her close, and pointedly glared at Ulquiorra. "Thank you for the nice gift to my girl…Ulqui-chan."
Ulquiorra's eyebrow twitched slightly but then he turned and walked away without another word. Renji let out a low whistle when he'd gotten out of earshot. "That is one weird dude. Is he gonna stay in that green and white makeup for the entire year the fillers are shooting?"
Ichigo shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe he likes it."
Orihime frowned as she hugged the little bear. "You boys be nice to Ulqui-chan. It was very nice of him to come all the way down here just to give me a birthday present."
"Nice my ass," he muttered.
Ichigo yawned as he strolled towards a snickering Rukia sitting in front of a laptop. "What are you still doing here, Rukia? I thought you were done with your bit like an hour ago." Her eyes slowly lifted from the screen and the blood drained from his face at the delighted and evil stare she gave him. "R-Rukia?"
"Come here, Ichigo."
Cautiously he came towards her and glanced at the screen when she gestured. "Oh for the love of God. Are you looking at another one of those Bleach fan forums? Your addiction to those is almost as bad as your manga addiction."
"No, no! This one is really, really funny… Ichigo? Have you gotten a present for Orihime yet?"
"Uh…Y-Yeah of course!"
"Ulquiorra giving her that present wasn't the first time you realized it was her birthday was it?"
"So you've been stressing about it for weeks."
"And you still don't know what to get her."
"That's what I thought." She got up from her chair. "Here. Have a seat. You might find a really good idea on here."
Ichigo looked her up and down suspiciously, but then sat down and peered at the screen. "Bleach Asylum? Oh. Yeah. Great. These people are going to have fantastic ideas…What the hell? Is that your screenname? Pineapple_n_Chappy?" His snickering stopped when she swatted him upside the head.
"Shut up and read!"
"IchiHime…Five Lifetimes, One Love…" Hmph…not a bad title actually…wait a second! He whirled his head around and stared at Rukia. "We have our own fanclub?!"
Rukia rolled her eyes. "Where have you been? Yes of course you have a fanclub!"
"Wow…that's…um…wow…I don't know what to say to that…"
"You don't have to say anything, idiot! Just read!"
"Okay, okay…." Hmm…'What special gift would Ichigo give to Orihime'…I'd like to know that myself…a teddy bear? Not a bad idea…Oh but I'll kill myself before I copy that emosonofabitch… "Propose?!" he suddenly yelled, bringing a whole lot of stares his way.
"You're so loud," Rukia smirked.
"Well…it's just that this…copper person is jumpin' the gun a little bit," his voice squeaked. He decided to quickly move on…and his eyes flew open in shock. How the hell did this Nocturne know he was still a virgin?! Dammit… Like it wasn't embarrassing enough… He glanced up at Rukia. "Stop your cackling! Don't you have something better to do?"
"Fine, fine!" she laughed. "Have fun and you better get her something good!"
"Yeah, yeah." She didn't need to tell him that. Jesus. An original Shakespeare collection! How the hell was he supposed to top that?!...He shook himself and continued to read… For me I have to say, a surprise party with a humongous strawberry cake. And the moment Orihime blows the candles, Ichigo pops out of the cake wearing a suit and a lion mane with whiskers and a lion nose. Ichigo hands her a bouquet of blue asters and pink lilies, then they do the horizontal tango.
Ichigo stared at the screen for several long, stunned seconds. "What the hell is wrong with this kramsib guy's head?!" Actually, it kind of sounded like something Orihime would think up…but no way in hell was he doing that. Whatever…there's gotta be some better ideas…so, for Hime's birthday, i'll keep it PG-13, At least this Whānui person has some sense,and maybe have Ichigo give Orihime a bull-plushie to signify that she is his one and only weaver princess. or maybe, he'll ask Yuzu to help him bake a wasabi-chocolate cake with red bean paste frosting, which he'll courageously eat with Orihime. Ichigo winced as he remembered the days when he used to have to do that very thing. Thank God she was a good cook now…
Anyways my answer is a kiss. Straight up, and out of the blue. Oh and a katana to fight off all those evil bastards that are after his woman. With "Tsubaki" engraved on the blade. No, Nocturne, not your kind of sword... yet anyways... Delightful images of plunging his zanpakuto into Ulquiorra made him grin sadistically…until Nocturne's name showed up again. He had a feeling he really didn't want to know what her kind of sword was…
Suddenly Ichigo's brain broke when he read this question: Who would Ichigo and Orihime have a threesome with? Why he kept reading, he'll never know… "Ulquiorra?!" he nearly screamed and jumped out of the chair. He glared at the people staring at him and sat back down, trying desperately to clear his head of a threesome with Ulquiorra, him, and Orihime. Oh God… Heaven only knew why he didn't get out of there right then and there…but there was some kind of pull…he couldn't get away from these crazy fans and their weird-ass club…
The answers kept coming…. Grimmjow, Kon, Chad, Bull!Ichi?! These people have lost their ever-lovin minds.
He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw someone going back to answering the birthday question, His chocolate-covered naked self on a silver platter (with a large and strategically placed bow). Whoever this Enelya87 was…he was going to find her and make mincemeat pie out of her.
He scrolled down and saw that another question was posed, with Ichigo and Orihime, who would be on top? Ichigo slammed the laptop closed.
Scary fandom is scary.
He groaned and tried to get images of Orihime covered in chocolate and strategically placed bows out of his head…and why did Grimmjow keep walking in?! Ichigo ground the heels of his hands into eyes. What was he going to do?
Maybe Nocturne isn't so crazy after all…he could give her his virginity… No! He gave his head a hard shake. God, after only ten minutes of looking at that fan club it had already corrupted him.
Ichigo leaned back in his chair, his eyes closed as his head fell back.…what on earth was he going to get her? …And who would be on top?
His eyes flew open to see grey eyes staring into his and walls of auburn hair surrounding him. Hmm…her on top was pretty appealing actually… "Shit!" His head flew up, narrowly missing her chin and he spun around to face her.
"I'm sorry, Ichigo-kun. I didn't mean to scare you!"
"N-N-N-No! You didn't…uh…scare me, Hime."
She eyed him disbelievingly for a second, but finally just shrugged her shoulders. "Okay, well I just came to tell you that Abe-san is ready to shoot your last scene. "
"Thanks." He stood up and started to leave, but then turned around to look at her. "Hime? Are you sure all you want to do is karaoke for your birthday?"
She clasped her hands together and looked excitedly into Ichigo's eyes. "Oh yes, Ichigo-kun! I love karaoke! Don't you?"
Hell no. "Well…I've actually never been…"
Her eyes looked so horrified he almost turned around to see if Barragan had been playing with Ulquiorra's make up again. "Never been to karaoke?! Oh how horrible!" She suddenly beamed up at him as she grasped his hands in hers. "You're going to have so much fun tonight, Ichigo-kun!"
Ichigo couldn't help but smile down at her contagious excitement and flicked his wrists so he captured her hands, pulling her into him and capturing her lips. She immediately responded to his lips and wrapped her arms tightly around his waist. His hands explored her back as he let her explore his mouth.
Her arms suddenly released their hold and her hands went around and up his chest to hug his neck, rising to her tip toes, deepening the kiss. Ichigo slowly moved his hand up and down the side of her waist as their tongues tangled, the world around them forgotten.
The couple started from the kiss at the too familiar bark, and Orihime tried to jump back, but Ichigo held her in place.
"Abe," he began. "Before you say anything, you do realize it's her birthday don't you? So you should be nice."
"Of course I realize it's her birthday! But it's not yours is it?"
"I'm her boyfriend."
Abe's face deadpanned. "I fail to see the relevance. "
"You hurt me, you hurt her."
The director's expression turned into one of delighted surprise. "Why Kurosaki, I didn't realize you were such a pansy that you'd be hurt by the words of a mere anime director."
Ichigo scowled. "Why you – Fine! I'll be there in a second!" Abe crossed his arms and stood with his feet widely planted. "Go! Walk! I'll be there!"
The nostrils flared, but Abe decided to head back instead of probably having to witness more lovey dovey crap.
Ichigo turned to the girl in his arms and smiled crookedly at her. "Now…what was I saying? Oh yeah…" He stopped her opening mouth from protesting and thoroughly kissed her before finally releasing her lips to whisper in her ear. "Have I told you Happy Birthday yet?"
She giggled and kissed his ear. "Several times."
"Ah. Good. Just wanna be thorough about it." He placed a final kiss below her ear and they walked back to the studio, hand in hand.
"What are you lookin' at shortie?"
"Don't call me shortie you…you..Dolly Parton monkey mutant!"
"Am not! Who would be jealous of a cow-breasted furball!"
"Okay! That's it! You asked for it Miss Flatchest!" The baboon female zanpakuto rolled up her fur sleeves as Rukia gripped the handle of her zanpakuto.
"Hey!" Renji ran up to them. "What's going on?!"
He looked down at the short shinigami suddenly staring up at him with cold fury. "Why is your zanpakuto spirit female?"
His eyes grew huge. "R-Rukia… I can explain!"
"It's because it's what you wanted, pervert," the big breasted woman explained.
Rukia narrowed her eyes at him. "You sicko." She pushed him out of the way and strutted towards the door.
"Make yourself at home on the couch tonight, Renji," she called back to him.
"Aw, man. Not again," he grumbled.
"So…looks like this filler is doing quite well," Abe concluded, setting down the papers of ratings and feedback letters. "Right, Kubo?"
Kubo's head started bobbing.
"Yes. Of course you would agree…Kubo? You can stop nodding now…"
Kubo didn't stop bobbing as his face scrunched up and suddenly he started using his fingers as drumsticks against the table.
"Kubo? What the hell are you doing?"
"What did you learn today? I learned nothin'! What did you do today? I did nothin'! What did you learn at school? I didn't go-o! Why didn't you go to school? I don't know-ow! It's cooool – to know nothin'!"
"Kubo! Why the hell are you singing?! What-"
"…it's cooool – to know nothin'!"
Abe's face turned its favorite shade of red and he reached up behind the short curtain of Kubo's hair and yanked out the ear bud.
"Oi!" Kubo glared at him. "Rude! What's with the rudeness? You don't yank out Kaiser Chiefs! It's just not done!"
"You weren't listening to me!"
"Bummer," Kubo muttered.
"What was that?"
"Nothing. What were you saying, Abe-sama?"
"In short, I was saying that the ratings are high for this filler and the feedback is positive."
"There was a long version of that? Yikes," Kubo gazed longingly at the black ear bud dangling from his fingers.
"Anyway, it's good news that the filler is popular!"
"Of course it would be popular. It was my idea this time."
Kubo watched Abe's nostrils flare out and in to the beat of the music, and then glanced sadly at the iPod in his lap as the director sputtered. "Why you arrogant sonofabitch! Just because something is your idea doesn't mean it's going to be successful!"
The mangaka yawned. "Of course it does, Abe. I'm a genius like that." He sneaked the bud back into his ear as Abe went another tirade.
Abe looked solemnly over the small crowd and slowly lifted the microphone to his lips, taking in a deep breath. "I've paid my duuues… Time after time… I've done my sentence, but committed no criiiime. And bad mistakes… I've made a feew…" The director lifted a shaking fist. "I've had my share of sand kicked in my face, but I've come throoouugh!"
Kubo held up the other microphone and draped a drunken arm across the director's shoulders as they sung together. "Weee are the champions, my friend. And we'll keep on fighting till the end! …Weee are the champions! WEEE are the champions! Nooo time for losers, cause weee are the champions."
Kubo took a stumbling step forward and reached his hand towards the ceiling. "Of the woooorrrllllld!"
"Please tell me somebody is filming this," Renji muttered.
Ichigo smirked from his position on the couch with an arm draped around Orihime's shaking shoulders and nodded back to one of the cameramen who had fortunately brought his camera with him. "See…this is why I want nothing to do with alcohol."
"Oh but it makes people do such funny things!" Orihime said in between giggles.
"Yeah. Exactly. I've got an image to maintain."
Rukia rolled her eyes and groaned. "Oh God, you and your image… Where's Rangiku? A beer bong should help shatter that so-called image of yours."
"Tch. Not in a million years. Not one ounce of alcohol is ever touching my lips when I'm around you people." He noticed Rukia's glance flick over at Orihime. "No! Don't even think about it! One paprika spiced cosmopolitan is more than enough for her."
Rukia snorted. "Well at least she's not such a stick in the mud as you are. She actually has a drink on her birthday of legal age."
"And thank you, Ichigo-kun, for buying it for me! It's really, really good! Are you sure you don't wanna try a sip?" She held the innocent looking, but surely deadly, pink drink.
"No thanks, Hime. I'll take your word for it… Stop looking at me like that, Rukia! Renji! You people are not getting me to drink, dammit!"
The crowd watched in anticipation as Ichigo swayed up on stage with a microphone clutched in his hands. "Lay lady lay… lay across my big brass bed… Lay lady lay… lay across my big brass bed…"
He was oblivious to the bursts of hoots and hollers from his audience who would never let him live this down…and also widely distribute the video.
Ichigo stumbled off the stage towards Orihime. "Whatever colors you have… in your mind… I'll show them to you… and you'll see them shine!" He drunkenly dropped to his knee and took her hand in his. "Lay lady lay… lay across my big brass bed…"
Orihime was struggling hard to keep back the laughter as tears formed at the corners of her eyes. This was definitely the best birthday ever.
"I long to see you in the morning light… I long to reach for you in the night! Stay lady stay… stay while the night is still ahead…" Ichigo finished the singing his serenade to a deeply blushing yet shaking with laughter girlfriend and solemnly kissed her hand before losing the balance on his knee and falling plop on his ass.
The crowd erupted in laughter and Ichigo just sniffed and reached for the nearest beer bottle, lifting it to Orihime before taking a swig. "Happeh birfday, sweethearts!"
Rukia wiped the tears from her eyes as she tried to breath normally again. "Oh my, I never would have taken him for a Bob Dylan fan."
Renji snorted. "I never would have thought he'd be a fairly decent singer!"
Orihime knelt down next to Ichigo and gently placed her hand on his beer-holding hand while still giggling at him. "I think maybe you've had enough."
Ichigo blinked at her. "Enough?" … "Oh! Yes, yes enough. You're quite right. Come, woman! To home!"
Orihime squealed as he suddenly stood to his feet while sweeping her up over his shoulder in one astonishingly graceful move. He swung around and started to head towards the door amidst the snickering and shouts of final birthday wishes to Orihime.
"Kubo? Where d'ya fink our birfday gal is bein' takin'?" Abe asked groggily.
"Well," Kubo hiccupped as he stuck his finger up in a studious manner. "I hypothemithersizer that he's gonna lay her across his big brass bed."
"Oh I see. How nice."
"I love you."
Kubo turned to Abe as his chin started to tremble and slapped his hand on Abe's back. "I love ya too, man."
The men embraced and then promptly passed out in each other's arms.
"So you like it?" Ichigo asked eagerly after Orihime had opened her gift back at her apartment.
"Ichigo-kun! I love it!" She grinned down at the complete DVD collection of Abbot & Costello and couldn't wait to start watching them with him. "Thank you so much, Ichi!" She leaned towards him and pressed her lips to his. He smiled wobbily against her lips and put his arms around, pulling her against himself… and toppling them both to the living room floor in a laughing twisted mess.
Ichigo grinned down at her with unfocused eyes. "Yay! She likes it!"
Orihime giggle-snorted at his completely out of character "yay". "You're such a funny drunk, Ichigo."
"Funny huh? I'll show you funny, little missy!" He wildly wiggled his fingers against her sides and stomach , hitting all her ticklish spots – which was pretty much everywhere – and sending her into hysterics.
Finally Orihime begged for mercy and he pulled her into a rolling hug, her ending up on top of him. She kissed him lightly on the nose and he kissed her back on hers. "You look tired. We should go to bed."
She suppressed a smile at his droopy eyelids. "You're right, Ichigo. I do look tired." Orihime started to lift off of him, but he pulled her back down and then pulled another jump-up-sweep-up move and started towards the bedroom with her in his arms. Orihime blushed furiously, even though he was too drunk for anything to happen. Still…it made her start thinking about it which was a little embarrassing…and some other kinds of feelings…
Thankfully, they'd changed into loungewear before she'd opened her gift so Ichigo gently laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers over her. He plopped down on to the bed next to her and curled up behind her back, snaking his hand around her waist, and she felt a kiss to her shoulder.
"I love you, Hime," he whispered sleepily.
She lightly squeezed on his forearm and whispered back, "I love you, Ichigo. Thank you for an amazing birthday."
He let out a small noise and tugged her closer, thoughts of that copper's marriage proposal idea as a good gift for next year's birthday… or maybe Christmas… And then he dreamt of a half naked Grimmjow jumping out of a strawberry cake in lion ears and tail.
Kubo and Abe avoided each other for weeks.
I told ya XD Thanks for reading anyways!!!!