Author's Note: CCS belongs to CLAMP and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.
And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum.
Card Captor Sakura: The Sealed Card
"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! There's this girl, named Sakura, and she likes to go round in slutty outfits and collect cards."
"I collected cards once too!"
"Baseball cards, basketball cards, hockey cards, football cards, Star Trek cards, Star Wars cards, X-men cards, Digimon cards, Pokémon cards, Yu-Gi-Oh cards, Naruto cards, credit cards, cards that have no use whatsoever, and tons, tons more!"
"But then I traded them all for a Snickers bar."
"Oh, come on! I was desperate and I HAD to eat something. At least I'm not the one strolling down the street in some flashy, flamboyant dress, waiting to be assaulted by some gang-bangers. Seriously though, how does this kid survive every day when she has to go to school all by herself?"
"Well, she's not always by herself. There's her friend, called Tomoyo, and her mother's got a lot of money because she's the president of this famous toy company, which I'm pretty sure manufactures sex toys. How do I know that? It's completely recession proof! How on Earth can that family afford so many bodyguards, cameras, limousines and a HUGE house?"
"I wonder if Hugh Hefner's hiding in there somewhere."
"So Sakura has a secret crush on this Chinese kid, called Syaoran, who used to be engaged to his cousin, Meiling, who looks much like a little bratty Chun-Li."
"Look out! She's doing her Spinning Bird Kick!"
"EE! OOH! OUCH! OW!"
"My parents married as cousins too! But they only discovered that AFTER I was born. Or were they in fact brother and sister?"
"Every time Sakura wants to confess her love for Syaoran, something always gets in the way. There's this one scene when they're at home and this flying plush doll comes out of nowhere and starts eating their strawberry cakes."
"I was not imagining that. There's a talking plush doll, that's obsessed with eating cakes and playing video games all day. What kind of drugs do these kids take anyway?"
"Can I have some?"
"I have a Furby doll who used to be my best friend and he loved talking to me every day. But now he's gone all moody. He speaks in a really low voice and I think he's either reached puberty or he's been possessed by the Devil. It must be his hormones kicking in…"
"So one day, Sakura notices that parts of her town are slowly disappearing around her, and she gets this random phone call from this guy all the way from England. And can you guess who it is?"
"OH MY GOD! IT'S HARRY POTTER! I'm not kidding! Harry Potter is actually in this movie! He warns Sakura that all these strange occurrences are being caused by the Sealed Card. And in order to stop it, the Sealed Card must choose somebody and take away his most precious feelings. This sounds like the dirty work of none other than Lord Voldemort! I bet he was the schemer behind all this! It ALWAYS is!"
"Stealing cards, making buildings disappear, intruding in Sakura's relationship with Syaoran, the lousy English voice cast…all part of his evil plans!"
"So the Sealed Card gobbles up everybody until Sakura and Syaoran are the only ones left. Syaoran is badly hurt, and the card traps Sakura up in a clock tower. And the card tells her-"
"BOO-HOO-HOO! Why are you in my way all the time? Can't you see I'm all alone and depressed? I just want to be with friends!"
"And Sakura's all like-"
"Well, you can't FORCE someone to be your friend and start eating up everything. It just doesn't quite work that way."
"And then the card's like-"
"Really? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that."
"So the Sealed Card tries to take away Syaoran's feelings, leaving him to become a couch potato who's only love is for watching TV and eating nachos like Beavis and Butt-head!"
"But then something weird happens and the Sealed Card transforms into a Hope Card. Sakura CRIES her eyes out and finally confesses her love for Syaoran, who hasn't turned into a couch potato after all, and still retains his wonderful feelings for Sakura…and his sexual fantasies, of course, which she'll never know."
"With all said and done, Sakura leaps over to embrace Syaoran…only to end up falling down a gaping hole to her untimely death."
"Sadly, they had to cut that last part out from the movie."
"This is meant to be a family film, but honestly, what's WRONG with these kids? Aren't they a little young to be thinking about having a serious, long-lasting relationship and then pushing it further to the next level and…?"
"Oh well, you'll understand that when you grow older."
"Hey, remember those little pogs in the 90s that kids used to play with? They should bring those back because I hear rumors of a sequel in the works, and they're calling it…"
"…POG SLAMMER SAKURA: GOTTA SLAM 'EM ALL!"
"How much more ingenious can you get?"
"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE?! AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA?! COME ON, CHANGE!"
Seriously though, 'Card Captor Sakura: The Sealed Card' was really good!
"Will you at least help me buy a new Furby? My old one's starting to lose his voice and he won't talk anymore. I think he hates me."