Keep Your Eye on the Council
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Note: This was, of course, inspired by all those fics where this actually happens…except those stories are serious and Tsunade doesn't find her backbone until years later when Konoha is on the verge of destruction and they need Naruto again. Know what I'm talking about? Of course you do. They're EVERYWHERE.
"Sakura-chan, where are we going?" Naruto asked as the pink-haired medic-to-be pushed his gurney along the streets of Konoha.
"The Council wants to see you," Sakura replied stiffly.
"…We have a Council?" Naruto asked.
"Of course we do! You don't think the Hokage does everything herself, do you?" Sakura demanded. When Naruto remained conspicuously silent, she continued, "You are such an idiot!"
"It could be the fact that the blinding pain from the giant gaping hole in my chest that no one thought to give me any anesthesia for is making it difficult for me to concentrate but…" Naruto hesitated before soldiering on. "I kind of get the feeling your mad at me, Sakura."
Sakura snorted. "You think?"
Naruto looked puzzled. "Yes. I just said that. I can't think of why, though. I mean, I haven't done anything perverted in awhile. I haven't even really been around all that much, too be honest. And what's more, I just kicked Sasuke-teme's ass and brought him home for you. All with a gaping hole in the chest! Seriously, why am I even alive? And why the hell does the Teme even know assassination jutsu, anyway? All I learned how to do during that month of training was summon frogs, and that's not nearly as useful as you might think. All they want to do is eat or complain about how you're 'wasting their talents' or 'don't give adequate notice when summoning.'"
"Stop complaining!" Sakura shouted, punching him in the head.
"Ow! I think you gave me a concussion…" Naruto moaned. "Way to beat up on the infirmed, Sakura-chan."
"It's no less than you deserve," Sakura insisted.
"For what?" Naruto asked, clueless. As Sakura raised her arm to punch him again, he quickly added, "It might very well be obvious why you're pissed, but seeing as how you just gave me a concussion, I think I'm entitled to a few moments of confusion."
"I asked you to save Sasuke-kun and you go and nearly kill him!" Sakura growled. "I mean, have you SEEN him? He looks so beat up…It really makes me want to jump him, really."
The blonde stared at his crush in blatant disbelief. "Sakura-chan…he was trying to defect from the Village! I had to fight back. Besides, he may be beat up, but do you not SEE this gaping hole in my chest? Seriously, I'm not sure I should have left the hospital…"
"You'll be fine. Or, I suppose, you could die. I don't really care, since you tried to kill the future father-of-my-children," Sakura said dismissively.
"How the hell did you expect me to stop him if I wasn't supposed to fight him?" Naruto demanded.
"I don't know!" Sakura burst out. "If I did then I would have gone myself. I guess I sort of expected you to technically get into a fight without hurting him and then he'd have some sort of flashback to his troubled past-"
Naruto snorted. "Please. In order to have a flashback, you kind of have to stop thinking about it for five seconds."
Studiously ignoring him, the pink-haired girl continued, "He would inexplicably tell you all about it, you would tell him that he was being an idiot and why, and that would change the course of his life for the better. That's how it usually works when you fight someone, after all."
"Point," Naruto admitted. "But Sasuke-teme's spent just as much time around me in combat as you have so I think he's sort of immune by now. Besides, my miraculous Therapy Jutsu usually happens during the first or near-first close encounter I have with a person and we've been a team for months."
"I don't care," Sakura said frankly. "You should have tried harder. Now, if you'll excuse me we're here and I need to go see the Hokage about some medical training."
"But Sakura-chan! We're at the bottom of a set of stairs and I can't get up!" Naruto protested. "Can't you at least help me get in the building?"
Sakura pretended not to hear him and hurried along her way.
"Why do I only care about people that treat me like crap?" Naruto wondered aloud. "I mean, most people do, but I'm sure I can find someone who doesn't. Like…Hinata! But she's always turning red and passing out, she's probably really sick. Not to mention all the times she coughs up blood. That can't be good. Or there's…um, that one teammate of hers that isn't Kiba. The one with the bugs and no discernible personality…but since I can't remember his name, that probably wouldn't work. Oh, but there's Shikamaru! He's probably too lazy to make me go away!"
With that settled, Naruto set about trying to get up the stairs. Three-quarters of an hour later, he finally wheeled his way into the Council room where he found two really old people surrounded by a bunch of citizens and a few Ninja who looked like they were related to his friends. Possibly clan heads?
"You're late," the old woman said shortly.
"I'm sorry, I was-" Naruto began, about to explain about Sakura's abrupt departure when the old man cut him off.
"Let me assure you that neither Koharu nor I have the time nor the inclination hear all about your adventures with the Wonderful Wizard of Oz," the man cut him off.
Naruto was confused. "What? But I wasn't-"
"Save it," Koharu interrupted. Geez, would these old geezers ever let him get a word in edgewise? "Homura and I are well aware that you are a student of Kakashi."
"Well, yeah," Naruto admitted. "But that doesn't mean that I show up hours after I'm supposed to with some ridiculous excuse and a porno."
"Really?" Homura asked dryly. "We asked you to meet here an hour ago."
Naruto opened his mouth to explain, realized that they probably wouldn't believe him anyway, and instead asked, "What do you guys want, anyway?"
"So glad you asked," Koharu said, looking pleased. "In light of recent events, this Council – meaning Homura and myself – have decided to banish you from Konoha."
Naruto's mouth dropped open. "Banish me? What events?"
"Before we answer that question," Homura piped up, "first we must ask one of our own. Is anyone here younger than sixteen?"
The assembled crowd shook their heads.
"Great," Homura said. "We felt the Kyuubi chakra during your battle with Uchiha Sasuke. Do you deny it?"
"Hey, that's not fair, I-" Naruto started to protest.
"Do you deny it?"
"Well, no…" Naruto admitted.
"You have used the Kyuubi chakra, ergo you are a threat to us all and must be eliminated," Koharu proclaimed. "We would kill you, but that might release the Kyuubi and that would be even worse."
"I had to use the Kyuubi chakra, though!" Naruto insisted. "Sasuke-teme was using the Chidori, which the ANBU who arrived later claimed was an assassination technique. Who on earth though it would be a good idea to teach the most unstable genin in the Village an easy way to kill people?"
The Council members exchanged a look.
"We agree that probably wasn't the most responsible thing in the world," Homura agreed. "But then, that's Kakashi for you."
"Oh great, so he can teach the Teme how to kill people but he can't be bothered to help me make a buushin…" Naruto grumbled.
Koharu raised an eyebrow. "If you don't mind me asking, how in the world did you manage to graduate from the academy if you can't even make a simple buushin?"
"I can make a Kage Buushin," Naruto explained.
"But not a regular one. That's…bizarre," Koharu decided.
Naruto shrugged. "I guess. But anyway, the Teme tried to kill me! I have a giant gaping hole in my chest that nobody seems to care about! Why is everyone on my case and not his?"
"It was probably self-defense," Homura told him.
"He looks like someone beat him up and I have a GIANT GAPING HOLE IN MY CHEST," Naruto shouted. "How the hell does that constitute as 'self-defense'?"
"Who threw the first punch?" Koharu asked.
Naruto looked down sheepishly. "…I did…"
"Well, there you have it," she replied. "Now we're not going to imprison you because we don't want you to hate Konoha so you'll let the Kyuubi attack us or go on a rampage yourself, but-"
"Wait, wait, wait," Naruto interrupted, ignoring the Council member's glare. "You actually care if I hate Konoha or not?"
"Of course we do," Homura answered, surprised. "Why do you think we let you become a ninja, haven't kicked you out yet, and made trying to kill you a fineable offense?"
"If you cared then why in the world have you people treated me like crap for years and basically done your best to make me hate you? Shouldn't you have tried to get me to like you so I wouldn't be inclined to rampage?" Naruto asked logically.
"We couldn't," one of the civilians piped up. "You're a demon."
Naruto whirled around to face her. "Do I look like a demon?"
"Well, no…" she admitted. "You do have those vaguely-whisker-resembling scars on your cheeks, though."
"And it's clearly demon trickery that makes you look human," another civilian agreed.
Naruto sighed. "Who thought it would be a good idea to let everyone know about me?"
"Don't look at us," Koharu said defensively. "We were all for telling everyone that the Yondaime had just killed the Kyuubi."
"Sarutobi 'believed in people' however. He thought the Village could handle it. Let me tell you, that discussion was probably the only time we ever agreed with Jiraiya about anything…" Homura remarked.
"So if you're kicking me out, what's going to happen to Sasuke-teme? A slap on the wrist?" Naruto asked, a bit bitterly.
Koharu laughed. "As if. Everyone thinks you're the Kyuubi who is just biding his time until we all trust you to kill us all and Uchiha Sasuke is the last of a very unpleasant but tragically deceased clan. We're making him Rokudaime."
Naruto blinked, hoping he'd heard wrong. "Rokudaime?" he asked carefully. At her nod, he continued, horrified, "But…that's…what about baa-chan? She's been in charge for a month! She can't possibly be retiring already."
"Well, no, she hasn't," Homura admitted. "But we feel confident that once we offer to cover her gambling debts, she'll gracefully step aside. After all, she only took the position because she lost a bet."
"But the Teme just tried to defect like five minutes ago!" Naruto pointed out.
"That was then, this is now," Koharu said, unconcerned. "Besides, the people love him, right?"
As if on cue, the crowd started chanting, "Uchiha! Uchiha! Uchiha! Uchiha!"
"You know what, fine," Naruto said, shaking his head. "I don't even want to be Hokage anymore if the Sasuke-teme's going to be it. You do know that he's twelve, right?"
"I'm sure he'll do fine," Homura replied.
"Whatever," Naruto decided. "I'm defecting to Suna. I probably won't be able to leave for a few days, though, because I'm not sure where it is and Gaara and his siblings will probably also be staying for a few days."
"Why Suna?" Koharu asked.
"Because the only other place I've been to is Wave Country and they don't even have shinobi there!" Naruto said, sounding shocked. "Besides, I still want to be a Kage and I've heard that they're considering Gaara for the position. Since he's almost as unstable as the Teme, I figure I'll have no problem eventually making Kazekage." With that, Naruto wheeled himself out of the building.
"Does anybody have any objections to Uchiha Sasuke being the Rokudaime Hokage?" Homura asked.
Hyuuga Hiashi stood. "Wasn't he just a traitor five minutes ago?"
"Are you just saying that because you're still carrying on a petty rivalry the Hyuuga had with the Uchiha even though the only Uchiha remaining in the Village is a twelve-year-old boy?" Koharu asked.
"…My point is still valid," Hiashi declared finally.
"Everybody else likes the idea, right?" Homura asked.
The crowd responded by beginning their 'Uchiha' chant again.
"If I may," Danzo said quietly, coming up to stand beside the Council members. "Why do you wish the Uchiha to become Hokage, anyway? He clearly has no great love for Konoha, is only twelve, just tried to defect, is obsessed with revenge…and he's an Uchiha!"
"That is all true," Koharu nodded. "But that means he won't really care what we do and we can rule Konoha without having to worry about dealing with Tsunade-hime's qualms."
"Your plan has merits," Danzo acknowledged. "As long as you can stop him from trying to leave again and from going mad with power."
"We'll keep an eye on him," Homura vowed.
"What's this I hear about a Council meeting that I wasn't informed of?" Tsunade demanded, strolling into the building, followed closely by Shizune.
"Ah, Hokage-sama," Koharu greeted with a smile. "How would you like to step down in exchange for all of your present and future gambling debts to be settled by Konoha?"
Tsunade looked torn. "I-"
"Tsunade-sama," Shizune cried. "You mustn't! Think of what's best for Konoha! The villagers chanting seems to indicate that they want Uchiha Sasuke to be your replacement."
Tsunade blinked. "Uchiha Sasuke? Is this true?"
"…Yes," Homura admitted.
Tsunade laughed. "Oh, that's rich. Unfortunately for you, however, he escaped from the hospital fifteen minutes ago."
"How is this possible?" Danzo demanded.
An ANBU in a rabbit mask spoke up, "My bad. He jumped through a window while he was in the bathroom and I didn't notice until he was long gone."
"Do the hospital bathrooms even have windows?" Shizune asked curiously.
The ANBU shrugged. "It does now."
"Unfortunately, Naruto appears to be the only one who could possibly have any hope of bringing back such a dangerous ninja," Tsunade said gravely. "Which I find a little hard to believe seeing as how they're both twelve and both failed the Chuunin Exam, but what do I know? I'm new here."
"Naruto can't possibly go," Shizune added. "Seeing as how he's gravely wounded."
"And banished," Hiashi said helpfully.
Tsunade's eye twitched. "Banished?"
Homura looked nervous. "Um…yes?"
"On whose authority?" Tsunade demanded.
"The Council feels that it is for the best-" Koharu began.
"I don't give a damn what the Council 'feels'," Tsunade interrupted. "The final decision on such matters rests with me and there's no way in hell I'm kicking him out of the Village he's going to be Hokage of. Shizune, go find him before he accidentally become a missing-nin."
"Hai," Shizune nodded before hurrying back to the hospital where she hoped to find the blonde boy in question.
"God, I turn my back on you people for two seconds…" Tsunade grumbled.
"Well, it was a good try," Koharu said with a sigh as she stood.
"Indeed. Maybe we'll get her next time," Homura agreed as he went off with his fellow Council member to plot their next attempt to seize control of Konoha. So what is the Uchiha boy was gone? That Danzo fellow seemed like he would be a good candidate for Rokudaime…