Keitaro's Extra Long Rant! - By KeitaroMutsumi4EVA
Keitaro got out of bed as usual. He got ready as usual. He opened the door and Su greeted him with a kick to the skull as usual. He should have visited the hospital for the instant concussion he received, but he persevered, as usual.
Keitaro joined the tenants for breakfast. He was about to take a bite of his toast, when Naru suddenly barked like a rapid dog on crack.
"KEITARO! YOU ARE THREE MINUTES LATE FOR BREAKFAST!" she shouted, "YOU CALL YOURSELF A MANAGER? I HATE YOU! YOU ARE PATHETIC! I WANT TO PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT BECAUSE I GET A SICK SATISFACTION OUT OF PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE THROAT!"
"Sorry." said Keitaro.
"URASHIMA!!" roared Motoko, "I WANT TO CHALLENGE YOU TO A FIGHT BECAUSE YOUR FACE OFFENDS ME! IF I WIN YOU MUST LEAVE HINATA SOU FOR GOOD, AND IF YOU WIN, YOU ALSO MUST LEAVE HINATA SOU FOR GOOD!"
"Sorry." said Keitaro.
"Oooh Keitaro..." teased Kitsune, "I can't pay the rent for the next seventeen years, because I'm too busy whoring myself out! Is that okay Keitaro? Thanks Keitaro!"
"Sorry." said Keitaro.
"HEY KEITARO!" cheered Su, "I WANNA PLAY WITH YOU SO I CAN GIVE YOU ANOTHER CONCUSSION! WHATEVER A CONCUSSION IS!"
"Sorry." said Keitaro.
"I hope you like the toast Senpai!" said Shinobu, "I made it with cinnamon and nutmeg and lots of other rare ingredients that I travelled half the world to find!"
Keitaro stood up from his chair.
"Enough!!!" bellowed Keitaro at the top of his voice, "I'm so sick and tired of the constant bullshit I have to suffer! Look! I can be out of character as well, so don't go thinking you're all so damn special! First of all, Naru. Naru. I hate you. Every time I see your face I want to gouge my eyes out just so I don't have to see you! You're voice makes me want to croak! I want you to croak! When we're studying, you're always so serious, like, if you fail, and you fail at life by the way, you get all emo and the world envelopes into a dark hole, and you should go into a dark hole too! And stay there forever! And what's the deal with that liddokun doll? Seriously! What are you? Five years old? Your just a child in a woman's shell! I don't know whether to rape you, or stick rattles and dollies inside you anally, which could be technically the same thing, but whatever Naru! I hate you! You have no purpose in life! What was your life like without me? I bet it was boring! I'm just a scapegoat to you Naru! I hate you Naru! I wish you had aids, or I wish I had aids so I could give them to you! I hate you! I hope you croak and die!"
He turned his attention towards Motoko.
"And Motoko! Ah yes, the kendo bitch from hell, although I'd wager even hell would refuse such a bloodthirsty bitch like you! All you do is treat me like a kebab! Your skills have diminished Motoko because all you ever do is fight me! Why can't you fight Tsuruko, your extra hot sister? Oh I know, because you wouldn't last more than five seconds against her! I bet you can't even fight Kanako, my extra hot sister! Come to think of it, I don't anyone under the sun can defeat my sister, since she's like, a manifestation of God or something, but she would still kick your ass, kendo bitch! Oh yeah, and why are you so tall and thin? Were you a lamppost in your former life? I bet you were! I bet you were a lamppost and dogs were like, walking up to you and taking a leak all over you! I hope you stab yourself, you anorexic cow!"
He turned his attention towards Kitsune.
"And Kitsune! Kitsune, Kitsune, Kitsune. I'm surprised you haven't become a prostitute yet! Why don't you go and work for a pimp the rest of your life, and then get your skull run over by a car! Why don't you drink yourself to death so you can sleep with demons, you demonic drunk whoremonkey! Or why don't you invite all your slutty friends, or should that be fiends, so we can all get drunk and naked in the centre of this room! Actually, that doesn't sound like a bad idea. Um, where was I? Oh yes, I was saying how much of a a slut you are! Kitsune you're a slut! Stop teasing me with your flamboyant personality and giant fake balloons you have the nerve to call breasts! Fuck you! And I don't mean fuck you literally, although that does sound like a good idea!"
He turned his attention towards Su.
"Oh yes and Su! The girl who likes to break my bones for entertainment! You should be stripped of your title as princess because you hardly act like one! Seriously, where are you from anyway? Molmol island?! Where the hell is that?! Then you have all these people in suits that do all your bidding for you?! It's like what the fuck?! Where the hell did those guys suddenly come from?! And all you invent are those stupid upgraded mecha tamas! Behold everyone! Kaolla Su! IQ of six billion, common sense of fuck all! You could create human life for fuck sake! You could make stuff even God couldn't make! But no! You're like, Keitaro play with me so I can put you in a hospital! So yes, thank you Su, thank you for almost killing me every minute of my life! Oh, and I was being sarcastic by the way! And no, sarcastic is not something you can eat!"
Last but not least, he turned his attention towards Shinobu.
"And Shinobu... I DON'T LIKE NUTMEG! Seriously, nutmeg?! What sort of human being puts nutmeg on toast? Can't you just butter it, like normal people?! I should throw you out the house for even thinking about putting nutmeg on my toast! That's like the mother of all insults!"
At last Keitaro stopped ranting. It was incredible how he managed to say all that without needing a glass of water. Until now, he didn't even stop to breathe. The girls patiently waited for Keitaro to stop ranting, and when he did, the girls could only sigh.
"Uh, my head!" Groaned Keitaro, "What the hell just happened to me?!"
"I'm afraid you were being controlled by the author." Naru said, "I was once controlled by him too. He made he punch a pedestrian in the face for no explored reason!"
"And he made he drink a glass of orange juice!" Kitsune said, "I never drink anything non-alcoholic!"
"And he made me cut leaves with my sword all day and night!" Motoko said, "Oh wait, I do that sort of thing anyway, don't I? Wow, I really need to get a hobby..."
"And he made me make a mecha Keitaro with an extra long, erm, leg!" said Su.
"And he forced me to put nutmeg in Keitaro's toast!" Shinobu said, "I had a feeling Keitaro wouldn't have liked it, but the author made me do it anyway! He's so mean!"
Suddenly, Naru stood up dramatically and started to undress. So did Kitsune, Motoko, in fact everyone was except Keitaro.
"C-Curse you author!" Naru said as she pulled down her skirt, "Just wait till I break the fourth wall! Then you'll be sorry!"
Keitaro found himself running out of the dormitory.
"Where are you going?" the girls asked.
"I can't help it!" Keitaro shouted, "The author is making me run to the stores so I can buy loads of Viagra and lubricant!"
Actually, the author wasn't controlling Keitaro at all. Keitaro really was running to the stores so he could buy loads of Viagra and lubricant.
"Oh, by the way, author-san," asked Keitaro, "When I return, can you make Shinobu and Kaolla sixteen years old?"
The author nodded.
"Thanks!" said Keitaro. When Keitaro returned, he was in for one hell of a fun day...