I do not own the rights to True Blood, any of its characters,
nor the poem "Twas the Night Before Christmas," by Clement Clarke Moore.
'Twas The Week Before True Blood
'Twas the week before True Blood and all through the land
The viewers were anxious to see what was planned.
A season of orgies, and naked folks fighting,
Would finally end (once they improved the writing.)
It was hard to believe all that happened this season;
With maenads and shifters and pigs, for no reason.
The vampires were scary but the humans were, too:
Cold, black-eyed zombies with nothing to do.
There was torture in dungeons and Eric in foils;
Sookie's back clawed at when MA's rage boils.
Miss Jeanette's heart, cut out with a knife;
Jessica's virginity, which will last her whole life.
Flashbacks of Bill from an earlier day,
Bloody and ruthless in a creepy new way.
Godric goes missing so Sook makes a deal--
Working for vampires might have some appeal.
Lafayette survives but he pays a steep price;
For dealing with Eric is never that nice.
And sucking the blood of the Viking, it seems,
Leads one to having some 'interesting' dreams.
Jason is desperate to find his true calling.
The Fellowship beckons, so he starts falling.
Under their power and need to wage war,
The Newlins adopt him and give him a tour.
Jason likes Sarah and she likes him, too.
Fantasies start that involve Barbeque.
It's not very long 'til they're naked and hot,
She feels betrayed, so with a paintball he's shot.
Poor Sam loves Daphne, but she's just a fake.
Eggs coldly stabs her as she kneels by the lake.
And Hunter Soufflé soon becomes a nice snack
But makes Tara violent and want to slap back.
The vamps head to Dallas as more trouble brews.
Then an airport attack sends them bad news.
The locals are thinking of whether to fight
Though Eric wants Godric rescued that night.
A new plan is formed but Hugo's a traitor.
Sookie is trapped – she discovers this later.
She longs for Bill's help but must sit there and wait
'Til Godric appears and averts a worse fate.
Lorena the bitch has made it to town
Keeping Bill hostage and holding him down.
He's torn up with guilt and now seeing red,
A plasma TV gets crashed on her head.
He rushes to church, makes time on the double,
Finds Sookie and Eric in boatloads of trouble.
But here's brother Jason to save the whole day,
Though the Dallas vampires still want to play.
Godric seeks peace so he makes them all leave.
As he offers Steve Newlin a kindly reprieve.
No tolerance left, only hate survives,
A bombing soon takes away many more lives.
Sookie gets tricked when the sly Viking lied;
Drinking his blood has now made them tied.
Bill is incensed -- Eric wants the lovers apart;
But punching your Sheriff is just not that smart!
Life for old Godric is no longer fun
He finds final peace when he meets the sun.
Tears of blood flow without any warning.
Cold-hearted Eric shocks us in mourning.
Bon Temps has changed when Sookie returns.
Seeing the damage, the telepath burns.
Sam's stuck in jail and Andy's now drunk.
And it's sad to see how low Arlene's sunk.
Parties and drinking and sex in Gran's house,
Huge platters of food, though Karl is a louse.
Chanting, vibrations, and a mask of a bull,
Drums in a rhythm that enchant and pull.
The town needs help! But from whom? Where to go?
The solution rests with someone vamps know.
The Queen is quite helpful to Eric and Bill
But now in what ways must they bend to her will?
What strange light lies in our Sookie's soft touch?
And can it help cure all the problems that much?
We're faced with a creature who simply won't die,
Make her go away, HBO, please try!
Just one more show to end Season Two,
Will we ever survive? What will we do?
Will Alan Ball trick with the plots that he cooks?
Will he keep straying so far from the books?
Now, Anna! Now, Stephen! Now Alex, the sex Swede!
Remember to smile bright for pictures we all need!
On, Nelsan! On, Sam! On Rutina and Ryan!
Stay hot in the news and keep us all sighin'!
We'll ponder and guess what the plot lines will be
As we wait the long months 'til we start Season Three.
As the credits roll by on our screen, out of sight…
Good vamp dreams to all, and to all a good-night!