A/N: I decided to do kind of a camera confessions epilogue … don't ask me what's up … my muse, well, she's pretty freaky sometimes. When I sat down to write, this is what came out. PS: I really want to do a sequel (I already decided what the main conflict should be, and it's something I'm excited about exploring – it's pretty obvious in Justin's confession what that conflict is). Let me know if that's something you might be interested in reading.


I love Brian. So much I feel like the weight of it could crush me sometimes. Other times, I feel transcendent, like my love for him and his for me lifts me up, makes me weightless, burdenless, free. Sounds stupid, I know. It's hard to explain to someone if that person's never felt it before. Love brings out the best and sometimes the worst in us. It makes us feel so small, impossibly small, and so big, impossibly big.

Brian has changed a lot in the last few months … or rather, he's let me see much more of what I already knew was there. He's always been jealous, protective, loving, and even willing to sacrifice. I guess all the scares we've had recently have forced him to go big or go home … and he went big.

But … some facets of his evolution pose much more of a challenge. His reputation still matters to him. It shouldn't. It's infantile. But he needs others to want him the same way I need him to want me. It's all about fear and insecurity. Brian spent too long believing his own hype (and bad press). Part of him still believes he's only good for one thing: the material. He's the money, the sperm, the charm, the sex.

Truth be told, part of me needs him to still be that predator, the larger than life Brian-Fucking-Kinney. This realization has been a hard one for me to swallow. For so long, I kept telling myself I just wanted him to want only me, but part of the reason I wanted it so much (other than the obvious – I'm madly in love with him) is that I never thought it could happen and everyone else wanted him to the point of literal drooling.

Now that I have his undivided attention, I'm a little terrified. Will I still love this Brian as much as I loved Brian-Fucking-Kinney? A few months ago, I had a secret. I was breaking the rules, again, but on a massive scale. That all came out with an unbelievable number of consequences, some amazing, some terrible. I guess now I have a new secret. Or maybe not. Maybe it's no secret. Maybe I'm simply guilty of being human. My greatest current fear is fairly typical. I wanted something so badly it drove me half insane. Now I have it. Will I be satisfied? Or will I start to want something else? Are humans just about the wanting? Do we need to want things more than we need to have things? Is that what urges us ever forward? I don't know. But I guess I'm about to find out.

I didn't actually mean to confess my new 'secret.' What I planned to do was to tell you that Brian may have evolved but not far enough to be all hunky dory with his reputation in the trash. So I decided we should tell people that we're not monogamous. That that was a failed month-long experiment. Because men can't be monogamous. It's just not in their DNA. I guess that's what led me to confess. I'm a little worried that what we tell people is actually true … that men aren't capable of monogamy, not long term. And, of course, that part of what makes us (Brian and me) so irresistible to each other is that so many others want (and in the past actually got to have) us.

What brought all this philosophical contemplation and confession to the fore, you ask? It was the double seduction/rejection of the two sex-god up and comers. For a moment, a terrible moment, I wanted Brian to fuck his guy … and I wanted to fuck mine (I may give you a play-by-play about that later). In fact, I ALMOST told Brian to fuck his guy. I ALMOST told Brian we should not be fully monogamous. I ALMOST suggested we create new rules (maybe we only fuck people outside the house and together … like go on the prowl together). And I haven't entirely given up on this idea. I just wasn't sure. I'm still not sure. And I know how one thing can too easily lead to another. Our first set of rules led to the passive-aggressive use of sex to intentionally hurt each other … led to Ethan. So yeah, I'm totally fucked up, right? That's why I've started to worry that we always desperately want what we can't have and we do it because we don't actually want it. I worry that what we really want is TO WANT.

PS: I could make one of the above non-monogamy suggestions and blame it on Brian, act like I'm doing HIM a favor. That makes me even more fucked up and I know it. I could say, "Brian, I know how important your reputation is to you, and you are important to me, so let's find some compromise. I love you enough to give this to you." FUCKED UP AM I.

I think Brian understands this potential fact of human nature. I think that's why he worked so hard to make himself irresistible and completely unattainable. Not being wanted by others is making him a little batty. And I think my not wanting him would send him over the edge. That's why he was so paranoid about labels and locked doors. He wanted to always know that people were with him because they wanted to be, because they genuinely wanted him.

The sayings … always leave on a high note and always leave them wanting more … they're sayings for a reason, and Brian knows this. Yet … he's willing to take a chance on me. He's trusting in someone in a way he never wanted to before because he thought he knew what would happen, what must inevitably happen. I don't think he's any less scared. He's allowing himself to be vulnerable, to risk hurt FOR ME. And I'm terrified that I'll let him down. That, at the end of the day, I'll be all talk, no substance. That his worst fears about me (and everyone else … Michael, Lindsay, etc.) are true. That I fell for the legend, not the man. That the man won't be enough.


I don't generally DO confession. You could blame my Jesus-freak mom for that. That woman won't get off her knees. Normally, I would say that everyone should be on their knees as often as possible. But not doing what she does. You could also blame my punch-happy pop. He wasn't big on confessing to weakness. Or admitting feelings. Weakness and feelings were for women. And we were men. Suck it up. That was his motto. AGAIN, I would normally be ALL for that, in a different context.

So, yeah, I don't normally DO confession, but between Justin and the couples counseling, I guess I'm getting more used to the idea. So … what monumental thing happened over the last few months? I don't know. I guess I realized that I was willing to do more to 'keep Justin around' than I initially thought. That's one. He's probably all over that one in his 'confession.' So I'll move onto earth-shaking change number two.

Mikey is no longer my best friend. And Lindsay is no longer my … whatever the fuck she was. Turns out, I had to choose. Justin or them. And I chose Justin. The fucked up thing is, Justin isn't the one who made me choose. It was them. Turns out, they were willing to do unimaginable things to try to maintain the 'status quo.' Mikey intentionally tried to sabotage Justin and me. Our whatever. And he used everything he'd learned about me over the years to do it. I think that was the worst part. My parents taught me early on that letting people get close to you meant teaching them how to hurt you, showing them the places you were weakest, and they were right.

1. Mikey knew how jealous I was (in general … that included Ethan – he'd seen it with David and Ben first, so he knew) and how hard it was for me to trust (anyone but especially Justin) in the first place. So he knew just what to say to get me to believe Justin had lied to me again. That caused me to tell Justin to get lost without even asking for an explanation after I discovered Ethan had Justin's new number. He knew I'd immediately think the worst, and I did.

2. Then when he realized I wasn't about to ditch Justin, he tried to get Justin to ditch me. I suppose he figured I'd come running back to him if that were to happen. He wouldn't have been wrong. I probably would have. But then he helped Ethan. He got me out of the way so that Trey could convince Justin that I'd lied to him. Then he tried to make sure the coast was clear so that Ethan would have a shot at 'comforting' Justin and ultimately winning Justin back. Mikey didn't even try to deny it. He said, "I know you're not capable of settling down, of being monogamous. I was trying to do you a favor. Eventually, you were going to figure it out, but by then, you would have wrecked your reputation. Justin was making a fool out of you. I couldn't let that happen." Sickened me.

3. When his earlier efforts to break us up failed, he started giving me the play-by-play of the death of my reputation. And he even encouraged me to cheat on Justin to rescue that reputation. He knew that the way my family treated me made me WAY overcompensate. I needed, or I thought I needed, a thousand adoring subjects and one loyal, worshipping sidekick with whom to celebrate conquests. Susan says that what I actually need is one person who genuinely loves me … friends who believe I can evolve and let me (and maybe even encourage me to) do that … and maybe even a family.

So what did I do? I told Mikey that a real friend would want me to find someone I loved who loved me back. That a real friend would respect my desires and decisions (I got that from Justin – I haven't always respected Justin's desires or decisions). That a real friend would know that things like a reputation aren't worth shit in the grand scheme of things. That a real friend would tell me that I was capable of anything I set my mind to. That a real friend would help me get what I want, not stand in my way.

So I don't really hang out at the diner anymore. And I don't go to Sunday dinners. I don't hold anything against Deb. In fact, Mikey was 'awarded' the diner and Sunday dinners in the 'separation.' Justin still works at the diner, but he's looking for a new job. I've actually been thinking about telling him we're looking for an intern (at the advertising agency). If he applied, he'd definitely get the position. I'm not sure I'm ready for that much 'intimacy.' I'm still deciding. Rage is finished. Justin wasn't keen on continuing to work with Mikey before he learned that he colluded with Ethan. Now he's dead set against it.

I have a new 'diner.' It's a bit farther of a walk from the clubs and has no lemon bars … but they make a helluva turkey sandwich, serve dark coffee, and bake 'specialty cupcakes' that Justin is now in love with. I was kind of surprised at what happened that first morning (after Justin and I discovered it). Justin and I walked in … sat down … ordered coffee … and who should tromp in ten minutes later, but Ted, Emmett, and Rob. Apparently, I got that segment of the gang in the 'separation.' I was actually kind of … well … it was kind of sweet. So now we meet most mornings. Justin hasn't been doing morning shifts at the diner. Emmett and Rob weren't as much of a surprise as Ted was. Our dynamic changed after the stake out.

The 'new gang' and Justin and I have also changed bars. I don't know whether they split their time (sometimes still hanging out with Mikey at Babylon and/or Woody's – I doubt it, but I'd rather not know), but Fridays and Saturdays, we go out, to Boitoi or Pistol.

And … you'll never believe it … every once in a while, I invite Ted over to get high and eat pizza. But Ted hasn't replaced Mikey. I only realized this after the 'separation,' but Mikey stopped being my best friend somewhere along the way, and I didn't see it. Justin's been my best friend for a while and still is.

Lindsay … that's a mess. Double checking some things with Justin just confirmed my suspicions that Lindsay had recommended Susan because of her office's proximity to Gus's pediatrician. Justin and I met Susan outside of the office and let her know that Lindsay had somehow been able to listen in to our sessions. I asked Susan to try to be discreet with her inquiries. I don't want Lindsay to know I'm onto her (because of Gus), but I don't want her to continue spying on our counseling sessions either. Susan ended up firing her secretary, but gave her severance pay and a recommendation on condition that she sign a non-disclosure agreement. So she hasn't told Lindsay why she was fired. If she does that, she has to return the money. I wanted to have it out with her, but I need to pretend everything's cool so that she doesn't keep me from seeing Gus. But I avoid her as often as possible. And I don't listen to her anymore, about anything but especially Justin. When she starts, I pretend to have something to do.

What's left? Oh right, my reputation. Only 'the new gang' knows that Justin and I are monogamous. And Justin and I had fun seducing and rejecting the Justin Timberlake and John Barrowman lookalikes, respectively. I don't exactly have the same reputation. But I'm no longer a laughingstock. And I'm a lot more okay with that than ever I thought I would or could be.


I HEART camera confessions. Okay, so let's see … what's changed for me?

I'm a SWITCH now! Your eyes have probably just popped out of your head and landed on the floor in a gooey bloody heap. I KNOW, right? But … MY MAN (I adore saying that phrase), Rob, he likes being fucked almost as much as I do, so we alternate. And dear God! Now I know why Brian likes Baby so much (well, he LOVES Justin, but I mean, before he loved him … I know why he liked him so much). Rob has CRAZY energy and the shortest refractory period known to man. I can barely keep up!

Hmmm … what else? Oh I have even more respect for Brian than I did before. I mean, I KNEW that he loved Justin and that he was always taking care of people, though he tried to keep it on the d/l, but I guess I didn't realize just HOW MUCH Brian loves Justin. Now I know. I even enjoy his company. He still mocks me mercilessly, but … paint me SHOCKED … he sometimes gives me 'relationship' advice. It defies belief. And he's always nice to Rob.

Michael … sigh. I still talk to him on the phone sometimes, but … I don't know. I've watched him torture Baby and try to ruin things between him and Brian for so long that I guess I'm just tired of it. He was always pretty low down but he stooped to levels I never would have imagined possible. And after what he did with Ben, I can't even feel sorry for him when he goes on and on about Ben and his new boyfriend. I try to summon up some compassion, but I just … I'm just not feeling it.

I guess that's it. Did I mention that I have a BOYFRIEND? A strapping young fellow … and an artist. Or that I'm versatile now? Oh, I did. Well … good.


Uh … I'm still working on my … talking. Do I … uh … do I have to?


I'm in love with Emmett. I haven't told him though.

Justin and I are officially friends now. I have a friend. That's kind of a wow thing for me. It's been a long time.

I'm working on a new art project … Excuse me for a second.

Justin said he won. Justin, Brian, and Emmett all bet how long I could talk without mentioning art. Justin put his money on less than ten sentences. He won fifty bucks.

I guess you probably aren't as into art, so I'll move on. I think the biggest change is that Emmett and I talk sometimes about what happened in Minnesota. A little anyway. I've never been able to talk about it before. My dad's parole hearing is coming up. I might try to go. I don't want him to get out of jail. That sounds dark, and it is, but I'm kind of proud that I'm even thinking about it. Going would be a huge milestone for me.

Umm … okay. I guess that's all I have. Bye. Oh wait. I forgot you wanted to see the Ethan video. Uh … here it is.

A picture of Ethan flashes a few times and then holds steady. Typewriter letters slide from the right into view. "Ethan Gold, PIFA student, cyberstalker, creepy voyeur, baby fetishist, WORST 'BOYFRIEND' EVER"

John Walsh, from America's Most Wanted, or someone with a remarkably similar voice, starts speaking. "If you see this unstable person, Ethan Gold, turn and RUN – DON'T WALK – as far and as fast as you can. I repeat, RUN – DON'T WALK. One young man had the misfortune to begin a no-strings-attached relationship with him and after only two months, Ethan was OBSESSED. Listen to what he had to say."

Ethan: "Baby, I miss you so much. I know you said that we're over, that you're in love with someone else, but I need you to think long and hard about what you're giving up. I'll sit on the couch with you and tickle your toes while watching Dawson's Creek. I'll take baths with you and give you soapstyles."

A picture of Ethan with a photoshopped froth-pompadour flashes a few times.

John Walsh speaks again: "You heard it here first folks. This individual clearly has a 'mommy-baby' fetish. Don't believe me? Listen closely to this."

"I wish I could hold you in my arms. I'd wipe your forehead with a cool damp cloth and rub your back. I'd even sing to you a song my mom used to sing to me. (singing) Don't you come here no more, I won't be home anymore, I'll be OUT walking in the sun … (talking) I'd kiss you even if you were all goopy and leaking snot."

John Walsh speaks again. "And I suppose you'd expect your quote-unquote boyfriend to kiss you in that condition as well?"

Ethan yells: "Of course!" Ethan hits himself in the head with the heel of his right hand.

A photoshopped picture of Ethan with snot coming out of his nose moves forward, looks like he's coming at the audience.

John Walsh speaks again. "Unacceptable! Simply unacceptable! If this fetish weren't bad enough, months after the unfortunate young man who quote-unquote dated him curbed his sorry ass, he still couldn't take a hint. Let's take a listen."

Ethan is on his knees in front of someone whose face and body are blurred for anonymity: "I love you SO MUCH. If you let me, I could make you happier than you ever thought possible. I will LOVE and WANT ONLY you from today until the end of time."

John Walsh speaks again. "At this point, Ethan and the unfortunate young man had been broken up longer than they had been quote-unquote together. That's just sad. And yet, he truly believes, he is 'da man.'"

(Staying Alive plays) Ethan struts down the street. He paddles the air, executes a Michael Jackson spin, throws his arm high into the air and whoops, and then does three rounds of the cabbage patch.

John Walsh speaks again. "No, sir, you are most certainly NOT … 'da man.'"

A picture of Ethan flashes a few times and then holds steady. Typewriter letters slide from the right into view. "Ethan Gold, PIFA student, cyberstalker, creepy voyeur, baby fetishist, WORST 'BOYFRIEND' EVER"

John Walsh speaks again. "I feel duty bound to warn you once more. If you see this unstable individual, RUN – DON'T WALK – as far and as fast as you can. You do NOT want to be his quote-unquote baby. No, you do not. At the slightest encouragement, a smile, a sexual encounter, a date, he'll have the rings for the commitment ceremony engraved."

Oh, uh, it's Rob again. Brian wanted me to tell you that the video just received its four millionth view. Okay. Uh, bye again.