Attacked by The Allies
A Hogan's Heroes story by Deana Lisi
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Hogan's Heroes characters. Boo hoo.


"The air raid is scheduled for 1900 hours," said a British voice over the radio. "We need you to retrieve a copy of the plans before the planes arrive."

"Understood; we'll have them. Papa Bear out." Hogan handed the microphone to Kinch, before rubbing his hands together excitedly and looking at his men.

"How do you plan to go about this, Colonel?" Carter asked.

"Simple," said Hogan. "We drive up, walk in, take the plans, and go."

"An' who exactly is 'we'?" asked Newkirk.

Hogan smiled and walked over to him, putting an arm around his shoulders. "Why, thank you for volunteering, Newkirk!" He looked up at the ceiling of the tunnel, thinking. "Hmm…I think we'll let you play the general this time. How would you like that?"

Newkirk rolled his eyes, though he was eager for some action. "Well, me fake German accent is better than yours…"

Hogan made a face, even though he knew it was true. "Better than mine what?"

Newkirk snapped to attention. "Better than yours sir!"

Everyone laughed.

"All right, all right…" Hogan said. "We need uniforms…"


Two hours later saw Hogan and Newkirk driving their stolen German staff car towards a new weapons facility where the Germans were designing a new type of automatic rifle. Hogan was at the wheel, dressed as a sergeant, while Newkirk was dressed as a general.

Pulling up at the gate, the SS uniforms were enough to get them through without question, and Hogan parked and ran around to the passenger side, opening the door and giving Newkirk a salute.

With a stern expression, Newkirk stepped out of the car, holding a riding crop under his arm in imitation of Colonel Klink. He walked past Hogan and into the front door of the building.

Hogan ran ahead of Newkirk, and shouted, "Achtung!"

A man sitting at a desk looked up and jumped to his feet, standing at attention.

Newkirk approached the man slowly, looking down his nose at him. "Who ees in charge here?"

"Zat vould be me, Herr General!"

Newkirk frowned, as if disappointed at that. "Hmm. Better then nothzing, I suppose. I vould like to see zee plans for zee new gun."

The man hesitated. "I vas not informed that—"

Newkirk snapped his riding crop on the man's desk. "I vish to see zem now! Sergeant?!"

Hogan snapped to attention. "General!"

"Take zis man's orders and give zem to me so I can change zem to zee Russian Front!"

Hogan stepped forward, but the man held up a hand. "I have a copy of zee plans right here!" He quickly opened a drawer and took them out.

"Give zem to me, Sergeant," Newkirk said.

Hogan snatched them from the man and handed them to Newkirk, who took a monocle out of his pocket and stuck it in his right eye. "Hmm…hmm…yes…" Newkirk mumbled, studying them. He looked at the German and nodded. "Danke," he said. He then rolled the plans up, stuck them inside his jacket, and turned around.

"Herr General!" said the man, shocked that he was taking the plans.

Newkirk turned around, tucking his riding crop under his arm again. "Yes?" he said, menacingly.

"You…can't take...take…"

Hogan looked at the man. "Achtung!" he shouted.

The terrified German once again snapped to attention.

Newkirk and Hogan walked out, with Hogan opening the door for the 'General'. They both got in and drove away, and Newkirk laughed once they were out the gates.

"Blimey, that was fun!" he said.

Hogan shook his head. "I gotta hand it to you…you sure can imitate a German. Are you sure there's no krauts in your family?"

Newkirk gave him a shocked look. "Colonel!"

Hogan smiled. "Where did you get the monocle?"

"Took it right outta Klink's 'and last week!" Newkirk replied, dropping it into his pocket. "I knew it'd come in 'andy someday!"

Hogan smiled again and shook his head, not surprised in the least.

They continued to drive, making it nearly halfway back to the stalag when they suddenly heard a loud rumbling noise.

Newkirk looked out the window, his eyes dawning with shock. "Colonel! It's the air raid!"

Hogan frowned. "What?! What time is it?"

Newkirk looked at his watch, but had no chance to answer before a bomb exploded nearby.

Hogan swerved the car, and the bombs continued to fall.

"It's only 1800, Colonel!" Newkirk finally was able to say.

Hogan had no chance to answer before a bomb landed close enough for the blast to knock their car off the road, flipping it over once before it landed against a tree.

If anyone had seen the accident, they would've noticed that no one immediately got out of the vehicle.