Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ
Well, I haven't seen many stories about how weird Midna's voice is, but they are usually only one chapter long. If you've done this already, I didn't know, so my freaking bad. This is going to cover the entire journey (or at least when I can find "Midna Says Weird Things" on Youtube.)
Chapter One's Midna dialogue was found on Youtube, posted by Ninkodie, so I didn't do it. I'm not taking credit for it. Watch it if you want, it's funny.
Why Oh Why Do the Goddesses Mock Me So??
I'm stuck. In a dungeon. Chained to the floor. As a STUPID, STINKING, GODDESSES-DAMNED WOLF!!!
And just when I think I can't stoop any lower than trying to eat metal. This thing appears on the other side of the gate. I thought it had ugly horns until I realized it was this bigass helmet, and it was completely naked. Not that it mattered much; the thing didn't resemble a human at all. Its skin was green and black, for crying out loud, and its eyes... they were a really freaky mix of yellow and maroon.
This imp suddenly gives me a really creepy grin, before jumping up into the air and somehow appearing on my side of the gate. It leaned forward, grinning toothily, and asked, "Inka?"
I stopped snarling at it and blinked. No, I haven't seen your friend Inka, Imp-thing. But if Inka happens to be this big ugly black monster, then try the Faron Woods.
Imp-girl shakes her head at me and says, "Chicken Shit."
I immediately lower my head and start growling. You want chicken shit, check out a mirror. I'll rip your throat out if you call me chicken shit again.
Imp-girl pays me no mind, she simply waves a hand that she folded across her chest and says, "Your good boy too if you pay. Bad wipple!"
I did not like the direction her nonsense was taking. What the hell would I be "paying" for, and what the fuck was a "wipple"?! I keep growling, and she giggles, satisfied for some reason. "You see my triscuits?" she asks, mockingly.
Again, I stop growling. Triscuits? I mean, I'd love some, but she doesn't have anything. But a helmet. Nothing else, not even other clothes to speak of. I came to the conclusion that she was retarded.
She gives me another creepy smile, and then taunts me. "So him? You eat him!"
I blink. Who did I eat?
Then, like the retard she is, she jumps in front of me, singing, "Crispy Treats, yeah?" and smacks my jaw upward. I bite, barely missing as she jumps back with a laugh. Retard indeed. I could eat her, but then that would imply that she was too stupid to know the gender difference between him and her, or even what she...it...whatever...was.
Imp-girl laughs eerily as she backs up, and sticks her face out with that smile that
I would love to rake my claws into. She says, "If you can break it!" Though I have no idea what she's talking about, I know I would love to break her face. but then, she closes her eyes and concentrates, forming a red energy ball in her hands. When it reaches full size, she flings it at me, and the metal chain snaps.
That scared me shitless for a second, and I tentatively sniff my paw.
Then, I have another heart attack. Impy comes out of nowhere into my face, laughing with that annoying, stupid, annoying smile-glare-thing on her face. She abruptly jumps away, and I thank her for leaving my personal bubble. Bubbles start forming around her as she backs towards the gate, and my momentary confusion is pierced by her next words.
"You're both GAY!!"
My eyes widen in a rage. WHO SAID WHAT, YOU STUPID BITCH, WHO SAID I WAS GAY AND WITH WHO OH YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE ARE GOING TO DIE!!! I was about to leap towards her and rip out that annoyingly annoying throat of hers, but in a whirl of bubbles, she's through the bars. She smirks at me from the other side. "Do you chew crickets? See, there!"
I blink. I have no idea what crickets have to do with being gay, and there are no crickets to chew down here. And if there was, I wouldn't chew them anyway. She motions for me to come over, and yawns, implying her doubt that I will.
Impy is really starting to piss me off.
Without hesitating, I run up to the crate in the corner and blast in apart. I then dig under the bars. I'm shaking off dirt and making plans to kill the imp, but her weird laugh makes me aware of the fact that she is gone.
Confused, I look around, but her whereabouts are shortly confirmed when she lands ungracefully--and heavily--on my back, saying, "You have come to a black line."
NOBODY RIDES ON MY BACK, IMPY!! I AM NOT A MULE!! However, proving so is very hard, as I dance around in an effort to throw her off. It doesn't work, and she starts patting my fur to calm me down.
Embarassingly, it works. Mmm... that feels good.... NO LINK WHAT ARE YOU SAYING!!!
Impy flops forward on me, and says, "I like your big head!"
Then, she rudely grabs my ear and pulls my head towards hers, ordering, "Now, copy what I SAY!"
Impy, If I was able to speak I would have said a whole lot.
However, Impy can't ear my thoughts, and she suddenly lets go of my ear. I lower my head to prevent further abuses to my ear, glaring as she says, "I see that brett hm hm."
I don't know what a brett is, but if it's one of those clip-things girls wear in their hair, she really is dead. Or is she talking about my earrings? Yeah, I love them too, Impy. Aren't they awesome?
All of a sudden, Impy kicks at my sides as if I'm a horse, saying, "What are we waiting for?"
My bark goes ignored.
Okay, so is it decently funny enough to try and continue the adventure? Or should this pathetic excuse of humor be removed?
Yes, I know girls wear barettes and not bretts. but it said bretts, and it's funnier anyway with Link not knowing.
And yeah, there are different dialogues for cutscenes, so if you've seen another and it had different text, it's because Midna did in fact say something different. I will be using several different versions to get a complete adventure-dialogue, so bear with me.