The Second Time
Night had become pure torture. Ignorance of the actual act of making love to my wife had surely been my salvation the last 2 years. Now that I knew…. thoughts of me touching her…. inside of her…. They gnawed at my sanity. I would lie in our bed night after wretched night, her warm wondrous body sprawled across my stone chest, taunting me.
Fourteen days.... I felt like a starving man holding food he was not allowed to eat. I vacillated between guilt and anger, anger at my waning control and guilt at just what that would bring about. I thought about the first time that I inhaled her intoxicating scent. The need to take her, destroy her for my own self gratification. It was nothing compared to craving I was experiencing now.
I attempted what sensory deprivation I could. I kept my eyes closed as she slept. I even tried to hold my breath hoping that it would help, not that I seriously believed it would. But there was no relief from the warmth of her body against mine or the tingling charges her cheek gave my shoulder as she exhaled into my neck. Our legs were entwined together, her warm thigh lying on top my loins, her hand relaxed across my arm. The sound of her sleeping heart beat peacefully through the room.
Her heart…My cold body pulled the heat from hers as her vibrantly alive heart beat into my dead one, constantly reminding me of what I am… and what I can never be. What I can never be for her. But this was almost nothing compared the memories that I could not escape. I tried to block the unbidden thoughts. My mouth caressing her bare breasts….my nose skimming her naked collarbone… watching her face turn crimson as my fingers played inside of her, her chocolate eyes alight with desire... listening to her moans of pleasure… How to touch her, where to touch her? I fantasized all night, mapping it out in my head. I tried to stop it, but I just couldn't. It was pure agony.
Now this new offer from Bella, she would go to college, stay human for me…for me…
I wanted to laugh at the irony. The side of me that loved her cringed at the very idea of destroying her soul, turning her into a monster like me. But my selfish side yearned for it. It had since the night in her bedroom while she lay sleeping, whispering that she loved me. At the time I pushed the grotesque thoughts aside, but I couldn't deny their existence. I would never lose her. I could touch her without the constant fear of hurting her. The burning in my throat every time she was near would no longer exist. How could she not know after all this time that keeping her human was for her and not for me? Everything was for her, it always would be.
Then there was the worst torment of all. She did in fact enjoy the crime I committed against her on our wedding night. If took days of her begging and pleading to make love again to convince me she wanted me as much as I wanted her. It didn't matter, yet nothing mattered more. As much as I would have given anything to be with her again, the danger I had put her in… put us in… My stomach twisted in knots at the thought. I had hurt her, damn nearly killed us. She was bruised and batter and there was no one to blame but myself. How had I deluded myself into thinking it would be safe?
I tried to avoid looking at her the first few days afterward. I closed my eyes when we kissed. The bruises, evidence of my assault, growing darker at first made my eyes sting. An accidental glance would bring a lump in my throat, making conversation impossible. Worse than my own reaction, was Bella's response to it. The pain I could hear in her voice at my rejection tore at my very being. I would force myself to look at her then, to smile and put on a good face. This time was to be her last as a human. It should be special.
As the days passed, the evidence of my offenses faded. I kept looking for things to do on the island to keep her distracted, to keep me distracted. It didn't help either of us.
"Please Edward" She begged snuggled up to me in bed every night. I would intentionally exhaust her every day praying that she would fall off to sleep before the pleading got too intense. I had to. I knew my limits and every moment that passed I became weaker and weaker.
I took her hiking in the jungle. I didn't carry her. She would be ahead of me and I would become mesmerized just watching her ponytail bobbing as she walked, hoping for her to stumble as an excuse to catch her. It wasn't helping that when we went hiking she wore skimpy little shorts and tank tops. She wore sweats and jeans at home. I would yearn for their protection as my rebellious eyes would become glued to the soft curves of her hips as she walked. I would gawk, eyes riveted to her in the water, her slim legs fluid in motion as she swam, her long hair, freed from gravity, undulating around her. She might as well have been naked for all the coverage the bikinis Alice packed for swimming provided. Then there was the body hugging things she wore to bed. There wasn't enough material there to call them nightgowns. She would parade out every evening from the bathroom in French lace and silk almost as soft as her skin, savagely taunting me.
I knew what she was doing; making every effort she could to undermine my resolve. The lingerie this evening nearly drove me mad, a see-through concoction of black chiffon and lace. It took every ounce of strength I had to not leap from the mattress, tear it off her and have her in the doorway, not bothering with the bed. I hung my head. It felt emasculating doing this to her.
Fear was making me grow more distant every day. And every day I was forced to see the pain my distance was inflicting on her. She would touch me casually and I would flinch. On day eleven I had gotten to the point where the only kisses I could give her were pecks on the forehead. I was becoming terrified of going anywhere near her mouth for fear of what it would do to my determination. Her strategy of caressing my bare chest before she fell asleep gnawed at my restraint. Her soft warm lips on my shoulder sent bolts of lightning into my bones, painful because I was unable to respond as I so desperately desired. She was heartbroken yesterday when I pulled a t-shirt on for bed, trying to put some barrier between me and her barely clad body, the desolate look in her eyes pushing me further into despair. At least back at home she was always covered up. At least back home I didn't know how the texture of her nipple felt on my tongue, the sound of her crying out my name when she climaxed…..
No, no, no, no…
She awoke with a gasp.
"Bella, Are you alright, sweetheart?" I looked down at her as I spoke. Her mouth looked so warm and inviting tonight.
"Oh," she gasped again. Tears welled up in her eyes spilling down her face. What had happened?
"Bella! What wrong?"
"It was only a dream." She sobbed.
It's ok, love, you're fine. I'm here." Anxiously I tried to comfort her. "Did you have another nightmare? It wasn't real, it wasn't real". Was it because of me? Had my rejection hurt her so much these last weeks that she was having nightmares about me now?
"Not a nightmare." She shook her head, rubbing her eyes. "It was a good dream"
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because I woke up." she wailed as tears continued to fall. This was unbearable.
"Everything is alright, Bella." I attempted yet again to calm her. "Take deep breaths"
"It was so real" she sobbed. "I wanted it to be real."
"Tell me about it.' I urged. "Maybe that will help."
"We were on the beach…." She looked almost angry at me. What had I done to her in this dream?
Her eyes fluttered, trying to shake off the tears. "Oh, Edward…"
"Tell me, Bella," I begged.
She launched her lips at mine, her tears touching my own face, stinging it. It had been three days since our lips had met. Sudden pardon from my self imposed sentence was disarming. Her arms wrapped tight around my neck, the taste of her hot moist mouth began to drive almost all responsible thought from my head. I wanted her. I wanted her right now. No, no, no I commanded myself, pushing my struggling wife as gently as I could away from me. I needed the space. I was losing it.
"No, Bella." Every molecule of me wanted to say yes.
She pulled away. Fresh tears poured from her eyes as I refused her yet again. I felt caged. The inside of me was dying all over again looking at her this way. I didn't know what was going on here but I knew one thing for sure. This was my fault.
She was apologizing for the hideous creature that I am. The pain of refusing her was intolerable. I couldn't bear the space between us any longer. I took her into my arms, begging her to understand.
"I can't Bella, I can't" Each word felt like a mortal wound.
My resolve crumbled before my eyes. I couldn't deny us any more. My mouth returned to hers. Yes…. relief and satisfaction swept through me as I broke through the iron bars of my self imposed prison. How could anything that hurt so bad feel so good? I was a drowning man, finally reaching the surface, my lungs inhaling her sweet breath. Resisting her for fourteen days made my actions desperate. My hands reached up and tore the black lace from her body. She was still straddled on top of me. Thinking about what happened the last time I quickly rolled us over. Her fingers were tugging on the idiotic tee-shirt I was wearing. I pushed her hands aside and pulled it off in one swift motion, my mouth returning to hers before it even hit the floor. Her limbs were everywhere. Her feet were at the back of the waistline of the boxers I was wearing, her heels trying to push them down. Her one hand was sliding down my stomach, trying to touch me, the other one firmly gripping my hair, clamping her lips to mine.
In truth neither of us could be trusted, but seeing as how she apparently didn't care if I killed her just for the satisfaction of having me inside her, I was going to have to manage things. I locked my hands around her wrists pulling them above her head.
"We have to be careful" I implored her, my lips at the base of her throat making their way up to her chin.
"Yes Edward, I promise to be good"
"That's what I'm worried about." My eyes were again level with hers. They sparkled with enthusiasm and desire. My muscles tingled with electricity. Expectation vibrated in every granite pore of my body, it knew what was coming.
I gathered up both wrists in one hand freeing my other to finish off removing my boxers, chuckling as she still tried to assist with her feet. She smiled up at me. It was an innocent smile. If she misbehaves again I would go out and find some rope. I smiled back at her, horrified and embarrassed, yet slightly intrigued by my own thoughts. My lips did not return to hers. They moved down her throat once more, my nose skimmed back and forth down the center of her body, properly inhaling her sweet floral scent for the first time in days. Her heart hammered. She shivered in response. So did I. My grin grew wider as my nose turned left, circling the firm pale mound, the hand underneath her back pulling her closer to me. Sweat was starting to bead up on her as her excitement grew. I looked up at her face, her eyes were closed, her mouth hung open, panting. Current spiked in me as I saw that I was pleasing her. My mouth fell upon her erect nipple, tasting the hot salty perspiration. Her back arched with delight. Getting more excited as she groaned my name, I released her hands deciding to move farther down with my lips, slowly making my way to her stomach. My eyes were diverted by the sight of her fingers twitching at the sides of her body.
Good….she was at least making an effort.
Getting back to the task at hand, my tongue decided to trace patterns around her navel. She started to giggle in response. There was so much going on inside of me, places I wanted to explore. But my mouth was becoming hungry for hers again. I worked my way back up; pausing to taste the breast I had missed on the way down. I chuckled to myself again. I thought dessert was for the end of the meal.
Her eyes were open again when I reached her face. Staring into the liquid pools I felt it come on. An ache to grab a hold of her, take her, ravage her. My head was spinning. My starved mouth returned to hers. Our breathing became erratic. She wrapped her legs around my waist, her arms around my neck. I didn't expect her to keep them to herself any longer. I sure wasn't. Our heart hammered wildly through us….our heart? I was slipping. I needed to take a break. I rolled to my side. She turned looking at me anxiously.
"Just give me a second." I whispered, trying to get my mind and body under control.
Her body turned and she began to pull from my side facing away from me. I swiftly wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her back into my chest. I nestle my nose in her hair.
"I'm so sorry." My voice broke as I spoke the words.
"I understand. It's alright"
She brought our enclosed hands up to her face laying her cheek on them sighing, giving me the time to gain my composure. At that moment I became staggered with emotion. I denied and rejected her while she worried about me. She would truly do anything for me. Wait for me, deprive her self. How could I have possibly made her wait two weeks?
…All because of my pathetic lack of control…
Well, she wasn't going to have to wait much longer.
I took a deep breath inhaling into her hair and squeezed her tight into me.
"I'm ok." I murmured. I would never deny her again.
I began to kiss her, working my way to her neck. She seemed to sense the intensity of emotion pouring out of me, turning around and locking her mouth with mine once more. I pressed my lips against my teeth, opening my mouth to her. Her tongue penetrated me. I pushed myself farther than I had ever before, allowing us to stay this way for some time. In spite of the fact her hot breath scalded my throat, the nerve endings in my mouth sang with joy. Our bodies lay side by side, arms and legs intertwined. My wife was the first one to pull away, trying to catch her breath. I whispered her name at her jaw in her mouths absence.
Her hand pushed at my shoulder. She climbed on top of me….again….. I focused on relaxing; I laid my hands lightly on her back, tracing patterns with my fingers. I willed myself to be safe for her. I knew what to expect now. I absorbed the wonderful sensations penetrating down to my bones, while controlling my desires. Once I got use to the sensory overload, it felt amazing. Bella's erect nipples grazed my chest, her lips on my eyelids, my ear, and my neck. She pulled herself up, just as she had done before. She cradled me between the palm of her hand and her pelvis. She rocked the outside of her body against me, her hand keeping the same rhythm. I kept my hands on her thighs. Sweat was rolling down her flushed neck, around her breasts. She paused looking down at me. She appeared anxious, almost frustrated.
"It's alright," I reassured her, "More than alright."
Her eyes looked dangerous. An exuberant smile broke across her. She returned to grinding up against me. Her head swung back, her hair sticking to her perspiration soaked body, her free hand going to her breast…..touching herself….. "I love you so much Edward….." She took her hand off me and started to suck on her own fingers.
I could not hold still any longer. My fingers went to the hand on her breast, my body lifted off the bed. My other hand pulled her fingers from her mouth. My eyes met hers, our faces so close our noses touched.
"I love you too, Mrs. Cullen" and I was about to prove it.
I grabbed the back of her head, pulling her face into mine. We fell back onto the bed engulfed in her heat and the sound of her stammering heart. Her body was so hot and wet that it felt like she just stepped out of a scalding shower. The smell of her sweat intensified her scent, it bled into me.
I rolled us over, flipping her on to her stomach at the same time. I moved her sticky hair and began to kiss her neck and worked my way down her smooth back. As she pulled up on to her knees, my hands pulled her up to my chest and we knelt on the bed my lips returning to her neck. Of course this position allowed her to start to grind on me again.
My hands went to her breasts, her head turned; I could just reach her mouth. Her hand reached back and began to touch me again. One of my hands slid off her soaked breast and reached down between her thighs. I didn't go straight for the prize. Instead, I leaned her back onto my thighs brushing her gently everywhere but where she wanted me to go. She squirmed and whimpered trying to get my fingers where she wanted them.
"You're… m-m-making me…. n-nuts" she gasped. Was it safe for someone's heart to race like that?
"That's my plan" I smirked.
Oh no! The weapons in her arsenal were not many, but they were formidable. Naturally I caved. She took my hand in hers and dragged my fingers where she desired them. I began to stroke her as her hand lay atop mine encasing it in her heat, feeling the pulsating blood pooling between her legs. I lightly began to drum my two fingers at the top of the opening. She moaned with pleasure. I increased my tempo and she shrieked falling, catching herself with shaking arms, no longer able to hold her self up.
"Do it…. Do it now…. I… please… need….I need…. You…. Inside of me….."
I thrust into her from behind. I felt exactly like the first time, the engulfing heat, the sense of her blood running through me. Knowing what to expect it didn't shock me as much though as I submerge myself in the ecstasy. I had firm control of myself; my hips began rock as I moved in and out of her. She caught on to my rhythm and began to move with me. I could feel the pulsating muscles inside of her tightening around me. My hand reached out for the headboard to brace myself, my other arm wrapped around her body, my hand returning to her breast. I didn't want to push to hard. I could easily send her head into the wall. I began to growl with frustration and desire. Realizing what was happening I began to ease up, taking my hand off her, bracing it on the bed. She was having none of that. Her body was a driving force, slamming against me. Grunting in time with her increasing rhythm she sucked me in, over and over. Once again I had lost control of the situation. I heard myself growling again. This only seemed to push her harder, her head thrashing about making a few feral noises herself. I began to move with her again. It was time. I could feel my self begin to climax. She began screaming my name, my body reacted immediately. The hand on the headboard crushed the spot into splinters. My head rolled back roaring once more, my body stiffened releasing into her again.
We both collapsed onto the bed, in desperate need for air. This second experience of physical exhaustion did frighten me the way it had the first time. Would I ever get used to it? Would I want to? I wallowed in the humanity of the sensation. My wife curled back up on top of me again. I couldn't find words to express the love, the happiness, the gratification flowing freely through my entire being at this moment. I knew I hadn't hurt her. I knew I could be safe for her. I lifted my head up to kiss her beautiful mouth. She sighed with contentment and drifted off to sleep.
I spent the rest of the night happier than I thought possible. My heart swelled at the thought that I didn't need to deny her anymore, that I wasn't going to deny her anymore. I laid in bed watching the sun begin to rise, thrilled for the arrival of another day, another day to love my wife. My planning began in earnest….
His mouth was on mine. Days of frustration and deprivation made us both wild. His hands reached up and ripped the nightgown from my body. He rolled us over and I grabbed at his t-shirt. That shirt was going if I had to tear it off with my teeth. Edward's lips left mine for a fraction of a second. His hands pushed mine aside, his shirt was gone and his mouth was back to mine before I had time to register what happened. I was frantic for more contact. My feet pulled up around his waist trying to push down his boxers with an indecent eagerness that I refused to apologize for. My right hand was assisting, sliding down the front. Hmm… look what I found. The fingers of my other hand dug into his bronze hair, pulling my head off the bed to meet his.
Suddenly I fell back on the mattress, my lips breaking away from his. My hands were over my head locked in his steel grasp.
"We have to be careful" he whispered into my throat. His mouth edged toward mine. This didn't feel like a refusal, just a plea for caution.
"Yes Edward, I promise to be good"
"That's what I'm worried about." His burning black eyes told me I had nothing to fear. He was as needy as I was.
He trapped my hands together, freeing one of his to finishing removing his shorts, laughing at my meager attempts to assist him with my remaining free limbs. Being held down like this sent a wave of unexpected pleasure through me. It surprised me. I didn't really think of myself that way. I smiled flushed. His return grin was wicked. He ducked his head down and returned his lips to my throat, his hand still imprisoning mine. Edward's nose ran down the center of my body, his cool breath causing me to tremble in response. I could feel the heat rising off myself. In spite of his cool body absorbing it, I began to sweat. My eyes closed and I began to need air as his nose circled my breast. Between my quivering legs I began to throb. His nose circled my breast, his mouth found my nipple, licking the sweat off it. Did he have a clue what he was doing to me?
He released my hands. My first thought was to sink them into his hair. I resisted the urge. He asked me to behave. Now that we were this far, I wouldn't give him any reason to stop. I left them at my sides, fighting the hysterical need to touch him with all my might. He lay sandwiched between my knees, his cool tongue tickling me. I squirmed and giggled in response. I felt his smile against my stomach and he began to move back up me, stopping to wrap his mouth around the breast he didn't get on the way down.
His dark eyes bore into mine. They were fiery black. I yearned to have him inside me. My hands refused to stay where they were. They wrapped around his neck. His mouth returned to mine. I could feel the intensity building inside his body, my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode. Air was coming into my lungs to fast. I was starting to hyperventilate.
He pulled away from me, rolling onto his side. I look at him, worried he would stop, afraid he thought he was losing control. I was.
"Just give me a second." He whispered his breath as ragged as mine.
I was frustrated but I would give him his break. It wasn't fair of me to push him like this. I knew it, but I couldn't help feeling a little rejected. I began to roll onto my side, facing away from him. I didn't want him to see my face. I knew it would only make it worse for him. His arm reached out and pulled me to him.
"I'm so sorry." He breathed into my hair, the anguish clear in his voice.
"I understand. It's alright."
I wanted to comfort him. I took his hand in mine, holding it to my face. I would wait. I couldn't stand to see him suffer. I would wait until I was changed if that was what he needed. I could wait forever for him.
He exhaled into my hair and hugged me tight.
"I'm ok." He murmured. He began to kiss me again. There was a new and different intensity to him. Passion and determination radiated out from him as his mouth made its way to my neck. The fire that had dampened slightly blasted back though me. I spun around to face him; his volcanic eyes pulling me in. His mouth opened as it met mine, our tongues embraced. We lay side by side our limbs tangle up in each other. The flavor of his mouth was inside my brain making it spin. I waited for him to stop. He didn't. My heart hammered, I was getting dizzy needing air. I pulled away gasping.
"Bella…. Bella…." He mouthed into my jaw.
I don't know what sent me over the edge. I push him onto his back and climb on top of him again. This was for his own good. He needed this as much as I did. We would be ok; I knew it in my soul. My knees were at his sides. I started at his eyelids, sitting myself up as my mouth worked down his body. His hands lay lightly on my back; his fingers ran up and down my spine. I knelt astride his hips, my hand and my pelvis encircling his stone shaft, stroking him up and down in unison. His hands slid off my back to my thighs. Between the heat of passion and exertion of my movements, perspiration poured out of me. I paused staring down at him, waiting for more response than I was getting.
"It's alright," he said, "More than alright."
His tone was calm. He was in control, too much in control. Well, I was going to fix that. I return to grinding against him. I let myself get caught up in my own body. I watched his eyes widen, his mouth pop open with a sharp intake of breath as I began to touch my breast, playing with the erect nipple.
"I love you so much Edward….."
I pulled my hand away from him and put my fingers in my mouth.
I didn't even see him lift off the bed; his hands no longer lay lightly on my thighs. One joined my own at my breast, the other tore my hand from my mouth. His fierce glare froze me in place.
"I love you too, Mrs. Cullen"
His fingers tangled in my wet hair pulling his mouth back to mine as we fell back onto the mattress.
The next thing I new, I was on my stomach. His lips were on my neck weaving their way down my back. Instinctively I pulled up on to my knees. I felt like an animal. His stone arms lifted my back to his chest as he fused his mouth to my carotid. My legs pumped feeling his rock hard erection pressed tightly between his body and mine. It almost vibrated with tension. Edward's hands were on my breast holding me up. I turned my head frantic to have his mouth back on mine. As our lips met my hand slid back behind me longing to touch him again. His hand slid down my torso, his fingers brushed between my thighs, lightly grazing over the pulsating volcano between them.
He was hesitating. Not being cautious, but trying to drive me into a frenzy. My body writhed and twisted trying to get his fingers inside me.
"You're… m-m-making me…. n-nuts" How much could a person take?
"That's my plan" He mocked me.
"Please…..Please….Edward…." I exploited his weak spot.
I captured his now willing hand sliding it straight inside me. I kept my hand on his as his fingers vibrated on the bundle of nerves atop the opening. I felt my orgasm start to build as he ratcheted up the tempo.
I caught myself just in time to avoid a face plant into the bed.
"Do it…. Do it now…. I… please… need….I need…. You…. Inside of me….." I was barely coherent.
He penetrated me from behind. His hips began to rock and I moved with him, his arm under me for support. This was so liberating, partners in this act of love. His thrusts felt much deeper in this position. I reveled in it. A low growl was building deep in his chest, it shook the bed. I felt him start to slow down, releasing his arm from me. I dropped to my elbows, the palms of my hands braced against the headboard. My body took over and I crashed into him, grunting in unison with my movements. My body began to tremble from the exertion, from the waves of ecstasy running through me. He growled as he joined me again driving a fresh jolt of need through me. It was like I was a wild beast; I growl back pushing myself harder and faster. My entire body started to tingle.
"Edward… Edward!" I shrieked as my body shook from my orgasm.
I felt him stiffen, I heard him roar, both of us caught up in the ecstasy of the moment. We collapsed together on the bed. After a moment to calm myself down, I turned and crawled back up on my husband's chest. Not feeling complete until I could see his contented face, I turned and kissed him one last time, then settled into a blissful sleep.