My Alice. My Love. My Life.
Wife isn't a big enough word for what she is to me. It fails to capture how my entire existence revolves around her, as if I had been born for her alone. I don't think there's been a word invented yet, for what she means to me. She is the key part in my continued life, such as it is. Like air to a human, like blood to a vampire, I need her to survive. She is everything to me. My family, my friends, the cars, the money, the humans, even the blood, all of it pales in comparison to her.
When I was changed, when I was brought into this immortal life, I believed I would never desire anything as much as I craved the blood of the humans I slaughtered. And then I met her. Being near her makes it easier for me to survive on this diet. My fear of disappointing her, having her look at me like that, with such sympathy and understanding, overcomes even my hatred of being perceived as weak. I know my family wouldn't see me that way if I...slipped up, but their pity, Esme's especially, would be even worse. I know Alice would support me if that ever happened. But I'd hate to be the reason for her to leave Forks. To leave Edward, leave Bella, behind.
But every time I'm not near her, the landscape seems to pale, the colours are less bright, the scenery less magnificent, the life less obvious, the wonders less extreme, all of it just less, because she's not there, by my side. And she is so graceful, even for a vampire; she seems to dance across the ground, even when she just walks towards me at a normal human pace. I enjoy just watching her. Watching her move or talk or argue or even shop.
It's agony for me to be away from her. When she went to Italy with Bella, I almost killed myself waiting for her. Hundreds of times I almost caught a plane to her. But she'd asked me not to. I knew she'd been lying when she'd said she'd make sure she was safe. She had no guarantee I knew that. When I saw her again, everything else faded and it was just us at the airport. Me and her. If she hadn't come back...if she'd been killed there...I dread the thought, but if, just if, she had, I don't know what I'd have done. Go to the Volturi too, I guess. Edward gave me inspiration, in a dark sort of way. There would be no point to living for me, if she wasn't there.
I heard her telling Bella the other day that her first memory in this life was a vision of me, of us and what the future held. She had no doubt in her mind then that we were meant to be, and I have no doubt of it now, decades later. I could hear the joy in her voice as she recalled her memory. How glad she was to know I was out there, waiting, thought I didn't know it yet.
The werewolves, or shape shifters have a word for this I think. Imprinting. Only I doubt they would be happy about us sharing something. Maybe vampires have their own type of imprinting; after all, eternity is a long time to walk the world alone. Maybe imprinting or something similar exists in the nature of humanity and both werewolves and vampires, being human at some stage, retain it as they become the creatures of legend. Bella found Edward before she was a vampire. Or maybe those that find the one are just lucky. Lucky that they get the chance to find that one person in the entire world that they feel completely at ease with. That one person they can't live without. That one person they'd do anything for.
I've read about it too I think, this feeling, in a diluted form of course, humans call it something different again. Mind you, reading isn't exactly my favourite pastime; I was a soldier for too long to spend much time sitting idle, but with a life like ours you acquire many hobbies. So I'd tried reading just as I'd tried the next thing and though it's not something I spend the majority of my time doing I have enjoyed it, reading the classics of contemporary literature, working my way through almost every book in Carlisle's library which, as expected, is a rather extensive collection. Human authors call it 'Love at first sight'. But even their descriptions fail to capture what she is to me.
Imprinting, love at first sight, whatever it is, whatever each species decides to call it I think that putting it into words lessens its value. Describing it in such a complicated way lessens it, trying to explain it makes it more human, less magical, which is what it is. Magic. And like magic there is no why or how to it, it just is.
To put it simply: I love her.
That's the only way to say it. It sounds so simple but those are the only words that can even come close to doing it justice. I think why I can't find the words for this feeling is because words are a thing of the mind and love is not of the mind, but of the heart. A feeling. Only felt.