And boy oh boy did Dean ever try. It got to the point that Sam and Bobby wouldn't even allow him to go to the bathroom by himself. And the day that Sam refused to allow Dean to close the door while he took care of business, was the day that Dean flew off of the handle.

"Why are you even bothering?" Dean asked, heat lacing his words. Dean Winchester's days of crying were over, now that he'd made his decision, he simply wanted to carry it out, and Bobby and Sam were making it impossible, and when Dean got frustrated, he got pissed.

"Because you're my brother."

"That excuse doesn't fly with me."

"Why is it an excuse when I say it but it is something important when you say it?"

"Because you don't mean it."

"What the hell Dean?"

"You don't even give a damn if I live or die. You did just fine when I was in hell, found yourself a new partner and everything."

"Give me a break Dean. I was torn up…"

"Yeah, right, so torn up you had to have sex with Ruby."

"You are going to hold that against me forever aren't you?"

"I'm going to hold it against you for as long as I live, and if I had my way, it would only be about another ten minutes. But because you are on some holy, wanna be martyr trip, you just won't let me off myself."

Sam threw his hands up in exasperation. "Why in the world do you want to die so badly Dean? Why? What have you done that is so horrible that it means you need to die? Haven't you had your fill of being dead? God knows I have."

"Whatever Sam. Just turn around for ten seconds and I'll be out of your hair."

"This has nothing to do with me. You know it and I know it! This is because you broke the first seal, because you tortured people in hell."

"And the hits just keep on coming." Dean mumbled, head hanging.

"No. No. It's the truth. You are a mess because you know it is your fault that this is happening." Hearing Sam say that this was his fault hurt more than when Castiel confirmed it. Why did he have to keep saying it? God, he knew that he was the one responsible for starting this mess, why did everyone have to continuously remind him of it?

"Dean, don't you think that they orchestrated this, don't you think that maybe the demons wanted this to happen this way, and they did everything in their power to make you make the decisions you made?"

"Yeah, it was their fault that I sold my soul. Yup. Of course. It sounds so easy doesn't it? The demons made me do it. The siren made me say it. I was possessed, it wasn't me. It's all so easy. So, simple to defer the guilt onto someone else. But truth is Sam, I did it, the cross road demon didn't want to make the deal, but I forced it. And Alistair didn't FORCE me to get off the rack and torture someone else. Nope. That was all me. All. Me."


"And nothing you say, nothing Cass says, nothing Bobby says, would make it any different. I was the one who made those decisions, and now I'm the one who has to live with them. That's why I want to die. That's why….when I go this time, there will never be another chance of heaven, I just should be thrown back into the pit and take my punishment like a man. Just let me die, just let me get it over with."


"No. Truly Sam. I shouldn't be here. I should be dead. What's dead should stay dead. I've done nothing right since I was four years old. And now, I've screwed up so big that the world will probably suffer for it."

"But, you can help Dean, you're a damn good hunter, you can hunt these sons of bitches and you can make everything right again."

"And who are these sons of bitches this time Sam? Do we even know?"


"Of course, because everything always goes right back to Lilith and how you want to kill her, and how I'm holding you back." Dean shook his head and walked past his brother and straight down the stairs. Sam, mad and more frustrated than ever clomped down right behind him, Bobby stood at the foot of the stairs effectively cutting Dean off, forcing him to stay in the center of the stair case. "What? Are you two just going to stand there forever. That won't work. I'll figure out something."

"Come on Dean. You can't live like this son." Bobby said.

"I know. That's why I just want to end it." The tears started in his voice again. "God help me, I just want out. I'm no good like this." And the tears free flowed down his face.

"Dean… You are a good man." Sam said.

"Son, you are a good hunter." Bobby followed.

"And I started all of this." Dean pulled a knife out of his boot, one that Sam hadn't seen before, and before either of them could do anything, Dean plunged it towards his chest.

The alarm rang at 6:00 AM. Dean Smith woke up, happy and healthy, ready for another day at the office.