Spock & the Sex Survey

Character/Pairing: Uhura/Spock

Rating: M

Summary: Nyota forwards Spock a sex survey in order to learn more about Spock's sexual history. The following is a transcript of that survey.

A/N: This survey showed up on my friends' list on Live Journal and needless to say, it inspired me. XD

Spock: 'Computer, please play the questions and record responses to the survey Nyota forwarded to me.'

Computer: Working. What is it that you absolutely need sexually?

Spock: 'I do not function in terms of absolutes. However, sexually, I do need Nyota.'

Computer: What is something you have always wanted to try?

Spock: 'Quite some time ago, during a poker game with Jim, Mr Scott and McCoy, it was posited that sexual congress in zero gravity was an exceptional experience and not to be missed if at all possible.'

Computer: What is something you have never done in bed before?

Spock: 'There is much that I have never done before and I do not necessarily think this is a bad thing.'

Computer: What time of day do you like to have sex?

Spock: 'I prefer in the morning since it is most expeditious. Nyota prefers at night.'

Computer: What do you absolutely need to see to turn you on?

Spock: 'Again, I do not function in terms of absolutes. However, generally speaking, I prefer to see Nyota's face or eyes.'

Computer: How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

Spock: 'Three point eight seconds.'

Computer: If someone was in the next room while you had sex would it make you nervous or excited?

Spock: 'Vulcans do not get nervous or excited. I would not care if someone was in the next room.

Computer: Would it bother you if your girlfriend got naked at a beach or river?

Spock: 'Nyota has already been naked at a river on Lycaon IV with me. We were alone together and it did not bother me. However, if others were present I would strongly recommend against disrobing.'

Computer: Have you ever faked an orgasm?

Spock: 'Vulcans do not lie. It is also biologically impossible for me to fake an orgasm, unlike human women.'

Computer: What part of your body are you self-conscious about?

Spock: 'That is illogical.'

Computer: Do you have any sexual regrets?

Spock: 'Yes.'

Computer: Please adhere to the parameters of the survey and refrain from one word responses.

Spock: 'Yes, I have regrets pertaining to my first sexual experience when I was younger.'

Computer: If a lover cheated on you would you take them back?

Spock: 'You mean if Nyota cheated on me would I take her back?'

Computer: Correct.

Spock: 'Computer, halt survey.'

{Time lapse: 1 hour 8 minutes 12 seconds}

Spock: 'Computer, continue survey. Yes. I would take Nyota back. We would have several detailed conversations about why she cheated, why she would choose to return me and what she would do to gain my trust back. Then, I would demand that we attend couples counseling.'

Computer: How important is sex in your life?

Spock: 'Since my involvement with Nyota, it has become very important to me.'

Computer: How important is love in your life?

Spock: 'Again, since my involvement with Nyota, I have realized how important her love is to me.'

Computer: What is the biggest fight you have ever had with a girlfriend?

Spock: 'My most recent disagreement with Nyota regarded my failure to disclose that the antidote to the Lyacaon virus was not effective.'

Computer: Do you believe in make-up sex?

Spock: 'This very concept was realized after that disagreement occurred.'

Computer: Have you ever told a complete stranger something you kept from a lover?

Spock: 'I would never violate Nyota's trust in such a manner.'

Computer: Have you ever had a one night stand?

Spock: 'Yes.'

Computer: Please adhere to the parameters of the survey and refrain from one word responses.

Spock: 'Yes, I have had a one night stand.'

Computer: Please adhere to the parameters of the survey and refrain from re-stating the question.

Spock: 'My first sexual experience was a one night stand. It occurred when I was at Starfleet Academy with a friend of my roommate's sister. I do not recall much of the event, however, I deeply regret hurting the young woman's feelings as she wished to pursue a deeper and more permanent relationship with me. At the time, I was about to embark my career in Starfleet and I was not ready for such a commitment.'

Computer: Have you ever rebounded and known you were doing so?

Spock: 'Yes, I rebounded with Leila Kalomi. I did not realize I was doing so until a friend warned me of that was what I was doing with her. I ended the relationship with Leila causing her considerable pain.'

Computer: Who did you lose your virginity to?

Spock: 'To a young woman I was briefly acquainted with during my time at the Academy. She was the friend of my roommate's sister.'

Computer: When and where did you lose your virginity?

Spock: 'At the house of my Academy roommate during a party he was holding. It was in his sister's room.'

Computer: If you could go back in time would you change it or take it back?

Spock: 'Yes. I would absolutely go back in time and prevent my younger self from imbibing that hot chocolate that David's sister gave me.'

Computer: Would you go down on your girlfriend under a restaurant?

Spock: 'I do not perform sexual acts in public.'

Computer: Where would you have sex in public?

Spock: 'I do not perform sexual acts in public.'

Computer: Would you ever have sex while at work?

Spock: '...'

Computer: Please respond to the question.

Spock: 'There is a place just outside of Engineering that would be conducive to the requirements I would need to perform a sexual act in a work space. Hypothetically speaking of course since such actions would violate several Starfleet policies.'

Computer: Would you have sex in the rain?

Spock: 'I would not have sex in the rain as that would be very uncomfortable for me, not to mention completely illogical.'

Computer: What movie makes you horny?

Spock: 'Nyota recently showed me an early 21st century movie called 'Secretary' that was quite fascinating.'

Computer: What is the highest number of orgasms you have had in one sex romp?

Spock: 'Eight, both physical and mental. This is outside of pon farr of course.'

Computer: How many do you wish you could have?

Spock: 'Wishing is illogical.'

Computer: What do you like: trimmed, shaved or natural?

Spock: 'Please clarify.'

Computer: In reference to human genitals, do you prefer...

Spock: 'Ah, I understand. I have no particular preference. Nyota is natural and I prefer it that way.'

Computer: Would you have sex in a dressing room?

Spock: 'If it is private, then, yes, I would not be opposed to having sex in a dressing room.'

Computer: What sounds do you like to hear during sex?

Spock: 'I prefer to hear positive sounds from Nyota. Such communication indicates that I am performing well for her pleasure.'

Computer: What sounds do you make during sex?

Spock: 'I am not aware that I make sounds during sex.'

Computer: What words do you love to hear during sex?

Spock: 'I prefer to hear Nyota scream my name or tell me that she loves me. Or that she gives me instructions on how best to please her. Also, positive feedback, even if incomprehensible, is helpful.'

Computer: What do you yell during an orgasm?

Spock: 'I am almost certain I do not yell during orgasm.'

Computer: How many times a week do you like to have sex?

Spock: 'I prefer to have it at least once a day. However, our schedules do not always make that possible.'

Computer: Do you want to try the sixty-nine position?

Spock: 'I have already utilized that position. It is quite effective.'

Computer: What are your three favorite positions?

Spock: 'My most preferred position places me behind Nyota while she is on her hands and knees. My second preferred position is where she faces me and is on top. Third most preferred position is when I am on top of her.'

Computer: What are the top 3 erogenous zones on your body?

Spock: 'My hands, my ears and the sides of my neck.'

Computer: Would you ever have sex in your childhood bedroom?

Spock: 'That is a rather disturbing scenario and one I would not entertain as my childhood bedroom is right next to my parents' bedroom.'

Computer: Are there any secret desires you have never told?

Spock: 'Yes, I have an illogical desire to spank Nyota sometimes. It is during these times that I must increase my meditation in order for the feeling to pass. It is quite challenging. It is the same for my desire for Nyota to walk on me wearing her stiletto, thigh-high boots.... Computer, suspend survey.'

{Time Lapse: 8 minutes, 48 seconds}

Spock: 'Computer, continue survey.'

Computer: What is your favorite thing about sex?

Spock: 'To witness Nyota achieving orgasm.'

Computer: Would you ever work out nude?

Spock: 'Unlike humans, Vulcans have no issue with being nude. I customarily work out nude, but have refrained when Nyota is visiting as she finds it quite distracting.'

Computer: Would you ever fool around in a movie theater?

Spock: 'Vulcans do not fool around in movie theaters.'

Computer: Would you ever make a porno with your girlfriend?

Spock: 'If by porno, you mean creating a holovid to exhibit to others at a later date, then no, I would not make a porno with Nyota.'

Computer: Would you ever do a photo shoot in sexy clothes for your girlfriend?

Spock: 'Nyota has expressed an interest in photographing me. I am not sure if she meant in a sexual context. As I have found pleasure in perusing her own nude photographs, it would be reasonable for me to reciprocate.'

Computer: Do you think you need sex more or less often than the average person?

Spock: 'I do not consider myself, nor Nyota, to be average persons....I would say more often.'

Computer: Who was on your mind while you did this survey?

Spock: 'You, Nyota. Only you.'