Disclaimer: Harry Potter? What's that? Even if I did know what the heck a 'Hairy Potter' was, I wouldn't own it!
A/N: Crackfic oneshot. Long before Harry Potter ever learned magic, a fad was raging across the Hogwarts ramparts. And it's up to the Weasley twins to mercilessly harangue McGonagall until she bans the saying for its dirty connotation! Strange? Yes. Point or plot? No. Enjoyable to read? Oh, most definitely.
Spring at Hogwarts was always a difficult time of year. Exams sprung up on unsuspecting students like crouching hippogriffs eager to prey. Fifth and seventh years were known to occasionally go mad or simply disappear from the grounds. Others coped by expending excess energy in the form of tomfoolery, much to the disparagement of the teachers. One such pair who excelled in the art had made pranking and the weapon of chaos their sole ambition while at school, spring season or no (though everyone's inattention and similar attempts at mischief certainly made their jobs easier!). It was with this objective in mind that the second year Weasley twins let accidentally-on-purpose slip a Poof! Poultry-Producing Pill near the end of Transfiguration. Flustered Professor McGonagall had dismissed their class early to round up the magically breeding chickens currently running amuck round the room. That is, all but two.
"Mr. Weasley! Yes, both of you," the animagus fairly sneered. "Back here. Now." Snape would have cried in pride to see someone almost achieve his frightening trademark expression.
Ah, salvation had been so close!
Trying to appear chagrined, Fred and George Weasley scuffled back to her desk, where the professor was battling a wild capon for her wand. "I-have... no doubt... in my mind who-is-responsible... for this fiasco-"
It took a lot of effort to refrain from snickering. A lot. Because half of the words McGonagall spoke were punctuated by a vicious swipe at the nipping chicken.
"And... this behavior... oh MERLIN'S STAFF!" the woman finally exclaimed, flinging the poultry off her desk. Fred and George exchanged gleeful looks, the impish gleams in their eyes forecasting that devilry was afoot in both of their minds. Whoever coined the swear phrase "Merlin's staff" (no doubt some ickle firstie trying to be cool and inadvertently succeeding) was about to regret ever starting such a fad... and really, it was getting annoying, anyway- even the teachers had unconsciously started using the faux profanity to express displeasure!
They were going to make certain Professor McGonagall never used those two words in the same context ever again...
Technique, you might ask? Why, through total scarring of the mind, of course! Time to toss "Merlin's staff" into the gutter after fouling up the maxim!
"That's not very nice," George chastised lightly. McGonagall turned beady eyes on the ginger, pinning a baleful glare on his mild countenance.
"Beg your pardon?" Patience. Patience. Kindness. Forced kindness. Yep, forced was the way to go. Add a little bite; scare off this new, strange tactic of trying to skive detention... as usual...
"Well, how would you like your sensitive member used as an expletive?" Fred prompted, a touch smugly.
McGonagall's jaw dropped. She was speechless, a feat no normal student could attain. "I- I... what?"
"Exactly," George said.
"Are you seriously alluding-"
"It's like shouting 'Merlin's stick!' or worse... 'Merlin's dick!'..."
"FRED WEASLEY!" McGonagall barked, red in the face even as her lips pursed stark white. "I never... in all my years..."
George sighed, feigning disappointment. "Me neither, Professor. It's horrible. To hear one swear so abhorrently... Why, it's appalling! We're disgracing the name and the no-doubt large 'staff' of Merlin... Abominable-"
"So sexually explicit to the young first years-"
"Enough!" Professor McGonagall fairly howled, and a couple chickens squawked in protest with her. They seemed totally forgotten by the raving Transfiguration teacher. Her cheeks had never been brighter than after this conversation with the twins, and her composure never this discomfited. "I... I shall speak to Professor Dumbledore on the- the matter tonight... for- for now, go... go on to your next class... yes, I'll certainly discuss this with Dumbledore- I never thought-"
And the twins snuck away, leaving their professor to her flushed self-ramblings as they grinned wickedly.
A) No detentions were served in regards to the Poultry Pill.
B) Professor McGonagall blushed for a week straight every time she set eyes on the Weasley twins. They, of course, chocked it up to her newfound love obsession and proceeded to call her "Minnie" amongst the Gryffindors. McGonagall never did find out who sent her the subsequent love note. She has her suspicions.
C) Dumbledore banned the use of "Merlin's staff" at Hogwarts the next morning over breakfast, thus eradicating the school of such an awful terminology. People still proclaimed the maxim in secret, but by the time famous Harry Potter arrived at Hogwarts, it had all but died.
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